Your Bad Shakespeare Back to School Guide!

    Well, boys and girls, we’ve returned to that time of year. That time of year when the traffic in the DC area gets “worse” (somehow), where you have to go get your own damn coffee instead of assigning it to an unsuspecting intern, and where all the coeds are taken safely off the streets and put back together in one ecosystem to thrive in their natural habitat. Yes, that’s right it’s once again time for back to college time for everyone.

    Back to college time can be an interesting and strange time for everyone. It can be especially frightening for those students making the transition from the comfort of High School into the big bright beautiful world of college. Your good buddy Bad Shakespeare is here to help! Here is Bad Shakespeare’s advice to your first few weeks at college.

1. Freshman gentlemen, those really pretty girls are called “juniors.” They generally won’t give you the time of day.

2. For most of you, this is your first extended time away from your parents. Many of you will find this a time to “cut loose” or “party till your head comes off.” Others will see this as an opportunity buckle down, prove that you can be on your own. Fair warning now, you’ll probably end up rooming together.

3. This is a great time to set up a new identity for yourself, separate from your old High School self. “Ninja” or “Pirate” are always popular. Don’t discount the seldom used “Leprechaun” or “Natalie Portman from Black Swan.”

4. You’re going to have to buy books for your classes. Good luck with that.

5. It’s important to take down the biggest, strongest professor in the yard on your first day. That’s how you earn respect.

6. That one episode of that show you want to watch on Netflix is going to turn into a marathon the day that big paper is due, by the way. There’s no way around that. I wish there was another way.

7. You’ve heard of the freshman 15. Every year thousands of writers are paid to write at least a million articles on how you’re supposed to avoid this. They have to write at least a million based on an ancient deal with the god Bacchus, otherwise he’ll destroy Detroit. Don’t worry about it that much.

8. You know how you were the funny guy in all your high school classes? You aren't.

Enjoy your first semester at college, everyone!