King of the Penguins is a Lofty Goal, but I can do it

Today, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, friends and enemies... is my birthday.  A day I share with such stalwarts as actor, Buffy marryer and WWE Smackdown writer, Freddie Prinze, Jr; and of course Mr. Dawson Leery himself James Van Der Beek, who is forever known as Dawson. He's Dawson, damnit. Joey should have ended up with him.

Hooray! Feel free to throw around as much confetti as you’d like, and right now you’re allowed at least one piece of cake or ice cream, but you have to save room for your dinner later. Keep in mind instead of presents, I’d like you to donate to the Human Fund, which as we all know was the fictional charity on Seinfeld. 

Rest assured, everyone, I know the rules of Birthday wishing. I know I can't wish for more wishes, so I will immediately wish for a million genies, then for a million dollars, then Emma Stone, and maybe world peace. If there's time. There may not be time. It depends if I can work Jennifer Lawrence in there, too. It's ok, I'm sure Emma, Jennifer, and I can learn to live together. That's wish number seven.

Birthdays are always interesting. On the one hand, it’s nice that everyone legally has to be nice to you for a day or be arrested personally by the President and the Incredible Hulk (at least that’s the way it works in my brain. It’s possible I’m making that part up.) On the other, it’s a day of reflection, in between cake, clowns, and Hulk attacks. It’s a day to look at where you were last year, and exactly what has changed.

Last year, I was working at George Mason University, taking a class in Young Adult literature, and my cat was dying. (Yes, my cat, Clark, passed away on my birthday. The bar is low... this year can only be better. That’s not a challenge, universe.) But I wasn’t really going anywhere. I was getting more and more comfortable in my space, and while I didn’t really want things to be shaken up the way they were, things got shaken up. Honestly, if you told me that I’d be here, now, I’d probably called you a dirty liar and made questionable references about your parentage.

But hey... life is strange, isn’t it? Life is funny that way. Not “funny ha-ha” more “funny I’m going to lob a spitwad in your direction.”

But this about celebration! I’m 34 today! That means on one scant year, I’ll be eligible to run for President. My slogan: “Why not Michael?” No, I’m much too smart to run for President. Besides, I’m a big believer of Groucho, “I don’t want to be part of any club that would have me as a member.” By this time next year I’ll be an English Teacher. And hopefully published author. Possible king of the Penguins, but we’ll have to see about that one... the vetting process is strict.

By the way, that’s a statement of fact. I will be a teacher. And a published writer. I’m making that declaration now.

This also marks a milestone in and of itself. In one month, I’ll be celebrating another birthday... the one year mark for Bad Shakespeare. I have some fun stuff planned as the bad bard turns one, particularly a chance to wear the latest in Bad Shakespeare fashion!

Also in honor of my birthday, I’m keeping this short and sweet. I hope you all have a great day. In all seriousness, in honor of my birthday, I want you all to get your favorite pastry. I don’t care if you’re on a diet, if you gave it up for lent, or if there’s some other random reason in the universe... it’s my birthday. I’ve had a bad year. And I want you all to celebrate with me. So grab a pastry... in honor of me, Lovable Michael.