To Cook Crystal Meth, or to Not Cook Crystal Meth... That is the Question

    I recently started watching this show Breaking Bad…

                Sorry, that sentence should read, “I recently started understanding a show called Breaking Bad.”

                I fully understand that I am late to the Breaking Bad party… it’s been on for a couple of years and it’s been raved about since oh, 10 minutes after the first commercial break. For those of you who don’t know, Breaking Bad is about a guy named Walter White (played by the guy who was the father on Malcolm in the Middle) who is a chemistry teacher with terminal lung cancer who starts producing Crystal Meth in order to provide for his family (which would have made for an interesting sub-plot on Malcolm in the Middle. ) I tried to get into the show, I really did. But I just couldn’t get past the first few episodes. I didn’t like it. I found his wife unbearable, his kid was too “perfect TV version of a kid” the wife’s sister was just annoying, and I found the team up of Walter and his assistant and former student Jesse unlikable.

                But then I continued on the advice of a friend and most of the internet, and I realized what I was doing wrong. I was trying to empathize with Walter. I wasn’t supposed to. Walter is a tragic hero defined by his flaws. Walter White is a Shakespearean tragic hero in the vein of Othello, the Scottish guy (It’s bad luck to say “Macbeth"), King Lear, or Hamlet. After realizing that, and realizing that I was not watching a sympathetic man just trying to help his family, I’m watching the destruction of a man who thinks he is helping his family.

                Breaking Bad is the perfect example of a point I’ve tried to make time and time again that we can’t push aside new literature for the sake of old. And Breaking Bad is literature. Had Crystal Meth and High School Chemistry existed in Shakespeare’s time, we would have heard about The Tragedy of Walter White, Teacher from Venice, and kids would have hated reading about it. This television show is full of all those lessons your English teacher (and soon hopefully, me!) have tried to tell you about why Shakespeare was so great: flawed heroes, scheming, guilt, symbolism, death, redemption… there is even a Shakespearean fool in it! The character of Saul Goodman is a flashy, late night attorney, that is a genius when it comes to the law, genius when it comes to illegal activities and yet brings humor to a television show that featured a man crashing two airlines into each other.

                I could go on, and I probably will at some point. This post is meant to be an appetizer in a television show that really can only be described as “Shakespearean”. If you haven’t seen it, I would recommend trying to watch it. It is currently in its last season, but that’s no reason why you can’t check it out. God invented DVD’s and streaming television for a reason. (He did invent that, right?) And I realize this is coming across as an advertisement for AMC and this show, but let’s be honest that my only real sponsor is Carl’s Jr.

                But I really haven’t been excited for a television show in a long time. I plan on exploring more about this show over the next few weeks, and more on why I think that it’s Shakespearean. So, stay tuned, everyone!

I Enjoy Parties, But I Never Can Pick the Right One

               I was all set to do a full length feature post on a new law in Missouri where students can now refuse any assignments that conflict with their religion. Oh, the fun I was going to have, suggesting that I was going to head to Missouri and start a new religion that rejects your barbaric notions of “Algebra” and baptisms into said religion would cost oh, let’s say, $100. Then I realized that this would have been my third post on something political in the space of a month. (I’m not counting the Rush Limbaugh thing. That was me making fun of someone who said something stupid, his politics had nothing to do with it.)

                The sad thing is, I really don’t intend for this to become a political blog. It’s my blog on my journey to be a teacher, as well as some of my comedy. But the thing is, I will forever comment on anything I see going on in education that disturbs me, because that’s why I’m going into education… to make a difference. Not just on the kids, but because I’m tired of seeing how the education system is run lately. And I carefully consider my options: I can sit on the outside and complain, or I can get in there, make some enemies and do something about it. But that introduces the sad thing into this blog… politics has gotten too intertwined with education.

                All due respect to Mitt Romney and Barack Obama our two leading candidates to run this country, they have not spent any time in the classroom beyond their school years, and any parent-teacher conferences that I'm sure are pretty horrifying for teachers. (I don't care who you are, once the men in the sunglasses and suits show up, it's time to be a little nervous.)Hey, there’s no shame in that. That’s like, 90% of everyone, right? I’m not calling them out on that. I’m calling out them, and any other politician that claims to know the first thing about teaching. Hey, I know very little about defense spending, taxes, or setting up Congressional Toga Party Wednesdays, so I stay out of those areas. (Do only the committee chairmen get to wear the laurels? Does everyone don a white toga, or is there one sad senator that has to use the Star Wars bedsheets? It's very complicated.)

                But education has to be separated from politics. Politicians don't know about how children need to be educated. They can only pander to a vocal group of people that are serving their own agenda, whatever that may be.  The idea should be this: We train the next generation as best we can, because they are the ones taking care of us. I want the doctor that replaces my heart after the Robot-Human war to be fully trained (and 100% human. I just don’t trust them after they rose up and took over Canada.) and be versed in all things medical. We want the next generation to know MORE than us. And none of that involves politicians or politics. Politics shouldn't create a barrier to that because someone "disagrees" with something being taught. (Yes, I know some  of you are saying "but teachers make political statements all the time!". But if your argument is “but teachers do it, so why can’t politicians do it back to them?” then I direct you back to second grade, when your parents or a teacher should have taught you that was not a valid argument.)

                One of the most painful moments in my recent history was watching the ongoing saga of the Unions in Wisconsin. Again, I don’t know enough to know what all of the issues are with that. It was explained to me, but I just don’t know… my brain doesn’t work like that (No one would explain it to me in Star Wars terms). But I got to watch as teachers got called lazy, uneducated, people who just wanted to brainwash students and take lavish three month vacations during the summer (you know how all teachers take their teacher money and head to their third homes on the coast after a year of telling students all about "history" or "science")… all by politicians who were trying to demonize the teachers union. That was harsh for me, particularly as some family members chose to take the side of those calling teachers evil, useless, or just in general a waste of a profession. Usually by writing it down, not noting the irony in that. It made me feel exceptionally unimportant. It still does. It's one of the harder things I've had to get over when I decided to become a teacher. But mostly, it made me angry. 

I don’t care about politics. I care about William Shakespeare. I care about Neil Gaiman. I care Dave Barry. I care about Jane Austen. I care about passing my love for literature onto the next generation, and hopefully letting them think for themselves. I don’t want to be mired in the politics of teaching that Banquo may or may not have been a ghost (because ghosts aren't real!) or being demonized because I taught a book that some politician hasn’t picked up in sixty years had a bad experience with and decided that no one else should learn it. (Yes, Congressman from New York… we know you got a C plus on that paper about Brave New World. I don’t think that’s grounds for having all the copies destroyed.) The fact is, that I should be able to do a million posts about all the education stories around the country and never once mention "Democrat" or "Republican" or "Green Party." (Just kidding. No one talks about the Green Party.)

                So, back to my original point: Politicians need to stay out of education. No, we don’t need a law in Missouri saying kids can refuse assignments based on religious grounds. (I suspect that anyone refusing to do a project on evolution may not be barred from playing sports on Sunday, as mentioned in their religion.) Let’s not rewrite history books in Texas because you disapprove of Thomas Jefferson’s writings and teachings. Let’s not demonize teachers by misrepresenting them. Let's not pull funding from failing schools and hurt them further.   Let’s not demonize students for wanting to go into higher education and learn something.

                This turned a lot more soapboxy than I intended. I will not apologize for that. This isn’t as funny as some of my other posts. I will go back to comedy soon, and yes, some of it will go back to blasting stupid things said by stupid politicians trying to score political points with people who disagree with something their kids are learning. But it will be education based, because that's what I understand. That's what I am learning.  I want what's best for students.

               

Joseph Gordon-Levitt Stars as a Bike Messenger who... TO THE MULTIPLEX!

     There is a movie coming out that I am certain will blow all of your minds. Joseph Gordon-Levitt (Seen in Inception, Dark Knight Rises, and other movies not directed by Christopher Nolan.) plays a bike messenger that picks up the wrong envelope, and is chased around New York City. Every trailer I have seen demonstrates that this movie has the potential to be my pick for the movie that I am looking forward to more than any other this summer, because it is going to be bad.

    As loyal readers of this blog may have guessed (or non loyal ones. Or people that have casually seen me on the street) I love movies. I can’t get enough of them. I just love the smell of the popcorn, I love the previews, I love the uncomfortable seats. I just love the entire experience of going to the movies. I especially enjoy summer, when it seems like they release roughly two million movies into the theaters. (Three-fourths of those being remakes, sequels or remakes of sequels.)

    But at the end of the summer, there’s a very special week that I look forward to more than anything. It’s the last big weekend of the summer. Not Labor Day. Generally studios save their decent movies for big holidays or the start of the summer. (Or at least try. We all remember Speed Racer.) But the end of August is when movie studios generally release movies that are... let’s say less good.  Every once in a while they end up some surprise sleeper that’s decent, but for the most of the time, we won’t mince words, they suck. But they suck in an awesome way.

    Let’s look at Premium Rush, the movie I mentioned. This movie was clearly filmed several years ago, way before JGL (As they call him in the movie biz... look at me all going Hollywood here! Just like the real Shakespeare) was as famous as he was now. He hadn't been in any of his Nolan movies, and was known for doing Third Rock from the Sun and a few arty flicks. And it’s clearly been held off. Which means it is going to be just awesome. I simply can't wait for this.

    I love movies like this. You need to just shut off your brain and accept it for what it is. I can’t really describe how much I look forward to it or how it makes me feel. I enjoy the other movies, yes. Look at what I wrote for The Avengers back when it came out. But I walked into that one with impossibly high expectations that they easily met. But let’s face it... a movie starring someone that has been getting a lot of buzz over the past few years that is being dumped in August... that’s not The Avengers expectations. That’s barely the first Hulk movie expectations. (The arty one that got us into the mind of a giant green wrecking ball. Hulk Smash. That's what Hulk does.)

    So why am I looking forward to it if I have such low expectations? Because art is all around us. And sometimes the art of a “bad” summer movie is something that is underappreciated. This movie is going to spectacular. It is going to be enjoyable. And sometimes in our quest to find good movies or find art we forget that everything in some level is art.

    No one is going to be clutching an Oscar for Premium Rush. But I also know that I will go into it, and I will shut off my brain and I will enjoy it. So on the most basic level, it will have done its job. And that itself is art.

It Might Be Dangerous Out There. Take This.

                So, I recently entered a humor writing contest. It’s a contest held by the hilarious newspaper “The Washington Post” and they asked everyone who wants to enter to write a story from their life. I’m proud to say that I got my act together, and I submitted my final draft yesterday. When I hit the submit button there was applause and angels came down from the sky and oh the dances we danced to a lively trumpet tune.

                Ok, it wasn’t exactly like that (it was more of a jaunty piano jig.) But I consider this a big deal because I’ve been working hard to get myself out there more. Obviously I‘m doing so with this blog, and my loyal readers have been extremely helpful in doing so. I mean, I talk a lot about teaching, but obviously I enjoy writing if I take the time to post on this blog as much as I do. But it’s scary getting yourself out there. It’s very scary to think that your writing is going to be read by some, dismissed by know-it-alls (because we know there isn’t anyone like that out on the internet), and loved by a few people who just enjoy what you write on a whatever you call it-ly basis.

                This is the first real contest I’ve entered since I left college, so this is a big step in the evolution of Michael from mild mannered getting byer to guy who actually is doing what he wants with his life. This blog has been a nice step in the right direction of getting the creative juices going, and writing is inspiring writing is inspiring writing is inspiring writing, just like the royals keep producing royals.

                But WHY is it so difficult to get stuff out there? And I don’t mean winning or being published. I mean, hell, in this day and age getting published is easy. You want to be published there are literally a thousand programs that will allow you to make a book. I could even release a CD where I sing all the greatest hits that Britney Spears ever had. (I’m saving that for phase 2 of my world domination plan.) No, I’m talking about putting yourself out there to be judged and picked over. Why are we willing to keep this stuff inside for so long?

                I consider myself amusing. I know other people find me amusing, too, but most of them that comment are friends. And I greatly appreciate it. I also know that I have some people who read this who aren’t friends. And I appreciate that, too. But that doesn’t make putting myself out there any less difficult, you know? But therein lies the rub, Horatio… you have to put yourself out there in order for people to read you, and for the amusingness to not just be the voices in your head laughing at the jokes YOU think are funny.

                The fact that I have a blog allows me to work things out in the public square a little more than I normally would. Some of this is a pep talk to ensure myself that even if I don’t win (I may not be up to The Washington Post’s usual level of humor. And they must know humor right? They’re still running “Peanuts” reruns instead of giving the space over to a newer, less funny cartoonist.) I still made the right choice by taking the risk and putting myself out there. Deep down, I know I have. That’s the only way to move forward, to take risks and be uncomfortable for a little bit. (Also, I understand the irony of writing all these fears down, then showing it to whoever stumbles on Bad Shakespeare: The Blog.)

                I guess that’s just part of my journey from mild mannered guy who occupies a desk to Michael Hock: The person I want to be. 

Shakespeare's Classified Ads

Shakespearean Classified Ads. To respond, please compose a sonnet and fire an arrow towards the big castle on the hill.

WANTED: Players to catch the conscience of the King. I am an a prince and I’m currently looking for players to put on a production of self-written play. Must be willing to put up with a little bit of madness. Also, there is a chance that the play will be so powerful that it will result in spontaneous confession from all guilty parties who may be in attendance. This includes but is not limited to: The King, the Queen, and maybe that palace guard who I believe has been taking lunches out of the snack room when no one has been looking.

WANTED: Newly appointed King seeks paranormal investigator to help rid castle of ghosts and floating daggers. Newly appointed Queen is possibly possessed. We just don’t know yet. Please respond before the trees start moving and/or King is appointed by one who is not of woman born.

WANTED: King of the Fairies seeks rare flower to help undo a love spell gone awry. At first it was kind of funny, but now it’s just leading to confusion and his wife falling in love with a half man/half donkey. It really has been an interesting day. If anyone has any information regarding this unique flower, please respond as soon as possible.

ADVERTISEMENT: Cases of mistaken identity? Land disputes? Knaves plotting against the king? Graves need digging while discussing important politics? Are you an ass? Call the fools of the Shakespearean Fools Agency. Acting Foolish since ye olde days.

ADVERTISEMENT: No credit? Bad Credit? Good Credit? Too young? Too old? Need cash fast but don’t have a kingdom or a horse to lend against? Call Shylock’s Lending. Where a bad deal won’t actually cost you a pound of flesh.

Welcome to the League of Evil Wizards 2012 Convention!

         Hello,

                Thank you for your interest this year’s League of Evil Wizards (LOEWs) convention. This is just a brief guide to some of the exciting programs and events that we have scheduled for this year. Pre-registration is not required for the convention, but it is recommended. Magically erasing the name of your rivals and placing your name on the guest list is required. Please note that turning anyone into any type of rodent, amphibian, or other animal will result in high praise, but immediate removal from the Convention.

                -Friday at 8:30 we will be discussing the ongoing lawsuit between Loews Home Improvement Stores and the name of our organizations. Our lawyers tell us that banishment to another dimension is simply not possible, so we will have to work things out reasonably.

                -Friday at Midnight the Convention Conjurors’ will be putting on a show out in the stone circle in the forest. This event is 21 and over, so no adolescent genius wizards.

                -Saturday Morning at 8:00 be up early for our wizarding breakfast and a special talk from Galinda the Good Witch on how to assemble a new animal from several existing animals. You may know her from Oz, where her work for the Wicked Witch of the West (rest her soul) was well known by many.

                -Saturday at 10 we have a special presentation of Time Travel and You: Don’t go back in time to destroy your enemies because they’ll just follow you and trap you there. This is a recorded presentation, so please show up on time.

                -Noon sees us with Potions 101. Included in this will be a special lunch, followed by a special afternoon hunt in which we try to capture whichever wizard drank the secret potion and will be currently rampaging in the nearby town as a troll.

                -Three O’clock will be the presentation: Caring for Your Dragon: The Advantages and Disadvantages of an All-Virgin Diet.

                -Dinner will be free time, so get to know your fellow wizards, or duel them to the death if you feel necessary. There will also be a special bus that will take you directly into town so you can witness the aftermath of troll attacks, or steal some souvenirs from the kids.

                -After dinner we will either an extra special presentation of How to Kill Your Nemesis in The Most Creative Way Possible or Don’t Kidnap Your Nemesis on Thursday then wait until Saturday Night to Kill Him. It could go either way.

                The cost for this year’s LOEWs Convention is either three gold pouches, the blood of a Leprechaun, or a Dragon’s Egg. To register, please place payment in a circle of fire, sprinkle with some fairy dust, and say the enchantment on the enclosed card.

                We look forward to seeing you this year.

                Sincerely,

                Pathar the Malevolent

                Director, LOEWs Convention ‘12

Instead of Asking "What If" I ask "Why If"

               Once again, disclaimer: I do not know squat about politics, other than the news says that the one guy is running against the other guy, and although there are other guys running no one pays attention to them. I’m a guy who comments on things he sees. Last time it was a well-known Republican and a comic book. Today it’s musings brought about a well-known Democrat and education. I give my opinion. Don’t like’em… there are still plenty of evil robot jokes. You’ll like those, unless you’re an evil robot, in which case I await to serve you my liege. So, here we go…

                A couple of weeks ago President Barack Obama unveiled his “STEM Master Teacher Corps” which sounds like a really bad movie starring Tommy Lee Jones as a retired Drill Sergeant who becomes a teacher to turn kid’s lives around. But in the end, they end up touching his heart just as much as they touch his. (I like Tommy Lee Jones, I just don’t think this is a good career move. Call me and we’ll discuss.)

                Moving on.

                “The STEM Master Teacher Corps” is an elite group of teachers (I’m being serious, this is in the official description) that would work to boost U.S. student’s worldwide performance in Engineering, Math, Science, and Technology. The plan calls for the hiring of more teachers, especially in Math and Science.  (For those who can’t tell “STEM” stands for Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math.)

                This is where a lot of you are going, “yay? I guess? What’s your point? Aren't you always going on about teaching... Isn’t this a good thing?”

                Well, yes, the idea of anyone deciding that teaching is important is a good thing. But pay close attention to the title of this blog, and then pay attention to the emphasis on who he was going to hire. I’ll let it come to for a minute… and there it is. More Math and Science. This blog is called “Bad Shakespeare.” I’m studying to enter the cutthroat world of English teaching. That begs a BIG Bad Shakespearean Question: “Why then, are you studying English? What’s the importance of the arts if even as the President has decided that we are going focus on getting kids some education, we will be starting with science, math, and notably not English or the Arts?

                See, I had mentioned way back at the start of this blog that someone made a sarcastic comment regarding the fact that I was studying to be an English Teacher. Yeah, that wasn’t the first or last one, but while some are focused on the “teacher” part, others are focused on the “English” part. Some people feel that teaching English isn’t important beyond the simple reading and writing aspect of it. As soon as you get done with that part, it’s important to focus on the “real world” stuff, which doesn’t include the arts or Shakespeare.

                But that robs kids of something fundamentally important. Teaching the English isn’t just about showing them how to spell a word or correctly map a sentence, most of which can be done with a computer. It’s this good now, I can’t wait to see how well it’s done when my kids are in school. (Where they’ll all be monitored by robots, anyway.)Teaching English is about teaching something inside of us. It’s learning that each one of these words has its own little personality, and it’s up to you to figure how they should fit together. It’s taking a look at the bigger issues, like who we are as people, and boiling them down into bite sized chunks called “books” or “plays” or in some rare cases, “movies.” (For example Die Hard. That’s right, we’re all John McClane facing down our own Hans Gruber.)

                Humanity has always sought to create worlds bigger than just the stars and the moon or designing the next “wheel.” It’s seeing a beautiful sky and being so moved to tears that you want to write a book or paint a picture, not just being able to break it down to a chemical reaction and saying “that’s why it’s orange.” And none of this is saying these things aren’t important. They’re very important. But why do they have to be mutually exclusive?

                None of this is meant to knock down scientists who are very good at what they do, and are artists in their own way. I mean, I’m sure it was some kind of scientist who invented a way for us to get the McRib so quickly, so I guess they’re not all bad. It’s just that when it comes down to emphasizing a subject, English tends to get lost in the mix. History sometimes, too, but I’m not studying to be a History teacher history is boring that can go away. (I’m kidding. History isn’t boring, but it’s not as thrown away as easily as English and a study of the arts.) But once you leave out things like English and the Arts, you start to leave out critical thinking. You leave out that age old question that humans have been asking since the dawn of time "Why?"

                English helps us look at the world in a unique way. It’s also a uniquely human thing. All animals focus on science, math, or technology… whether it’s elephants figuring out a herd, or a lion thinking of a better way to take down an elephant… but have you ever heard lion poetry (which admittedly would be kind of cool)? Or an elephant try to figure how why he’s here? So, focusing solely on the “important subjects” can take away that uniqueness that makes us human. Then what are you left with? You’re left with robots that can add and subtract, but can do little to tell you the point of it.