Dear Mr. Smith
We at Franklin Family Construction are pleased that you chose us to assist with the construction of your facility. However, we are not pleased to hear that you were not satisfied with the results. We sincerely apologize for this, as we strive to provide you with not only the best construction services, but with the best customer service as well. Maybe I can address some of the concerns in your most recent letter.
1. The ropes above the shark pit were never intended to carry anyone over 200 pounds. This was made explicitly clear when you chose to go with the cheapest model available. If anyone over 200 pounds is tied to those ropes, this overexerts the motor and as you put it, “can allow people to escape” if equipped with a laser in their watch. (Also, an unforeseen circumstance.)
2. You had chosen a location that was off any electrical grid. I know we attempted to compensate with solar and wind power, but you were warned that there would not be enough to power your Beam of Incomprehensible Destruction. I know that times are tight, and that there isn’t much call for a man in your business, but had we tapped into the geothermal energy of the volcano you were on top of, perhaps we would have been able to generate enough power to at least reach France.
3. Perhaps we could have placed the self-destruct button further away from the coffee maker in the break room.
4. Our construction crew is very talented. We pride ourselves on having the best, hardest working crew. However, it was a little difficult for our Foreman to motivate our crew to work hard after the first few disintegrations. We apologize for the delay in your service because of this.
5. We had subcontracted out the escape pod. I apologize that did not work as well as we had originally advertised. Due to the aforementioned disintegrations, we were falling behind.
We apologize again for any inconvenience these problems may have caused. Please accept the enclosed coupon for 30% off our next estimate, and hopefully you can use us when you are no longer incarcerated.
Thank you again for your business, and for the referral to your colleague, Mr. “Jones.”
Customer Service Representative
Franklin Family Construction