The Apologist

                Last time on Bad Shakespeare, I made a comment about one ofour Presidential Candidates. I did so because I am passionate about teaching,and he had made a comment that ran counter to that. To those on the other sideof the aisle I apologize, as I do not intend to turn this into a political blog.I already know the truth about U.S. politics, that all political events arecarefully orchestrated by Adam Sandler for his personal amusement. But if youwere offended, I apologize.

                While I’mat it, here are a few more apologies.

                I wouldlike to apologize to that one couple in Louisville that asked me for directions,and I sent them the wrong way. I’d like to say that I just didn’t want to seemlike a tourist, but I was headed to that same restaurant, and I didn’t want youto get the last table. Wendy’s is a very classy joint.

                Iapologize to Adam Sandler for “blowing up his spot” as the kids don’t say butparents still think they say and telling everyone that he’s responsible for allU.S. politics as he watches from his giant bin of money that he swims in daily,Scrooge McDuck-Style.

                Iapologize to Boy Scout Troop 456. Had I realized that you were camping in thatlocation, I would not have let my pet Bigfoot play there. You do understandthat he needs time out in the open forest to hide so people can take blurrypictures.

                Iapologize to the squirrels that reside on George Mason University. I reallyfelt that if we organized, we could take back the pond from the Canadian Geesethat reside there. No worries, I’m sure we can find some more acorns and FrenchFries before winter, and I have high hopes if we can shore up our numbersbefore Spring of 2013.

                I wishto apologize to Scarlett Johans…. Johannn…. Johanne…. To that chick in theAvengers for sending you all those love letters without being able to spellyour name correctly. I suppose I could look it up on Google, but that is a lotof extra work.

                I wouldlike to apologize to all those who are currently infected with Bieber Fever.Sorry. My bad.

                Lastly,I want to apologize to Steve Martin, who wrote a similar essay in his book, Pure Drivel, which I read, liked, andstole as the format for this essay here. Because I’m mentioning you, this canclassify as an “homage” and not “pure theft.” However, Shakespeare stoleeverything he ever wrote and now he has a line of fishing equipment named afterhim.

                Feels great to get THAT off my chest.