It’s September, which means that in a scant two months voters will go to the polls and elect a President to head up our government. Also included in this will be hundreds of Senators and Congressmen. Yes, everyone gets worked up once every four years (despite the fact that local elections happen every year) and everyone starts talking about exactly how this new Government will affect us all. What people aren’t talking about, however, is Shadow Government, and how the upcoming Shadow Elections. Which is, I guess, the point.
Yes, around the same time as the elections, the Shadow Elections will take place with the Shadow Voters, electing a Shadow President along with a new Shadow Congress. Since no one really talks about the Shadow Government (except the band, “They Might Be Giants” who wrote a song about how the Shadow Government is never around when you really need them, an approved message from the Shadow Government.) But this is an exciting Shadow Election year, with every Shadow Seat up for grabs, including Shadow Dog Catcher.
The Shadow Government in America has a very long and proud legacy, ever since John Hancock ran for Shadow President against Benjamin Franklin and lost by almost 20 Shadow Votes, and George Washington took over as official President because Franklin was too busy attempting to reanimate dead mice with electricity and having sex with as many women as he possibly could. (At the time, America was very anti-Undead Mouse Army. It was a different time.) The trend, of course, continues today as Shadow Candidate Brian Jones shows is plan that [REDACTED] is better than Gary Smith’s plan, thus ensuring that [REDACTED] ends its secret war with [REDACTED]. And as a proud Shadow Voter, I am certainly looking forward to the Shadow Debates and our secret Shadow Moderator [REDACTED] who is not as dead as everyone thinks.
Of course, it’s not all fun and games, as there are plenty of Shadow Fringe Candidates running in the different parties. And let’s not forget all the Shadow Gaffes being reported by the Mainstream Shadow Media, which is clearly on the side of Brian Jones as he makes his bid for President. Although the Shadow Polls are showing that Gary Johnson’s numbers are going through the roof after he was able to negotiate a treaty between the Brain Slugs of Moxon 9 and Hollywood, thus ensuring that they would have fresh brainwaves to feast on as you watch the next Will Ferrell movie, and as a result, winning his full endorsement.
This is in contrast to Brian Jones’s plan of lifting the ban on Time Travel, and destroying the Brain Slugs of Morlon 9 before they were able to influence the outcome of the 1993 Academy Awards, thus ensuring that Marisa Tomei does not win her Oscar, and setting America down the path that required further involvement of the Shadow Government. Marisa Tomei officially rejected this proposal before her memory was erased.
So it is important for all Shadow voters to make their appearance on the undisclosed day of the undisclosed month at the undisclosed voting booths to make sure you vote, provided you aren’t one of the first 100 people and immediately drafted into the Shadow Government’s Secret Army to help fight the Gorilla Men that definitely weren’t created in a lab accident in the Shadow Government’s secret lab beneath the surface of the moon. Your Shadow Government depends on it.