One of the best aspects of my current job is the fact that I work with some crazy people who tend to help nurture my crazier side. I’m still working hard to become a teacher, but if I can’t be a teacher right now, I’m glad I have a good work environment with people who help me realize that yes, I’m pretty crazy, but crazy with friends is creative. What follows is based on a conversation we had one day at work. Special thanks to Kim, Tyler, John, and Beppe for contributing and encouraging the following blog post.
Many movies came out this past year... One of the greatest was of course, Les Miserables. That’s right, the timeless tale of redemption and music that won Anne Hathaway her first Oscar (After she was snubbed for The Princess Diaries 2) was not only a hit, it was also nominated for Best Picture but lost to the a movie directed by Reindeer Games star Ben Affleck. But there’s hope. This is Hollywood. There’s always hope... as we work on the sequel. Today we are going to talk about our pitch for Les Miserables 2: Javert’s Revenge.
Zombies are in now, so naturally this movie opens with Javert, having just killed himself to spite Valjean’s gift of his life (listen folks, there’s committing to your blood feud, and then there’s Javerting your blood feud). Javert, his hatred and lust for justice so deep, he actually returns from the depths of hell to bring about justice on the Earth. The opening scene is a watery zombie-hand reaching from the watery depths of Hell itself as Zombie-Javert removes himself from the river where he killed himself.
Zombie-Javert then goes on a rampage, not just killing all those involved with the barricade, but also taking his own special brand of street justice to even the smallest infraction. Litter? Zombie-Javert will find you. Murder? Zombie-Javert will have none of that? Steal a loaf of bread? You’ve just awaked Zombie-Javert’s lust for true vengeance!
While this is happening, of course, Marius and Cosette are raising their baby daughter, Fantine, of course named after Cosette’s mother. Marius can’t help but feel that they are constantly being watched... and of course they are by Zombie-Javert and his lust for blood. In fact I’m sure one scene will musically involve Cosette insisting that everything will be fine as lightning strikes and we see just the outline of Russell Crowe in the shadow, waiting to pounce.
The Thenardiers of course are still around, selling trinkets that will deflect zombies from your house. Naturally, they end up working for Zombie-Javert, as they always back the winner.
Now, I’m not sure how this happened, but somewhere along the line our group saw something online that was a picture of Marius standing next to a bear with the line “Black.. the color of dis bear” as the caption. So, while Zombie-Javert is stalking the young couple, waiting for Valjean to reappear, we decided that Marius was going to be raising an army of bears for protection. It will all make sense once we have the musical number/training montage. Everything makes sense in the montage.
Naturally, all this Zombie-Javert killing raises the interest of Jean Valjean, who can’t sit idly by... or you know, deadly by, while all this killing is going on, so he comes back as a zombie as well, only a zombie as a force for good. I envision this scene well, as a young child is on the street, hungry, and a baker walks by, scoffing at the young child. Just as he looks up, post-scoff, a zombified hand reaches up and grabs a single loaf of bread... and hands it to the child. It’s Zombie-Valjean. He’s come to rush through the streets of Paris, striving to put right what Zombie-Javert has put wrong. It’s an extremely emotional scene, as the Zombie-Valjean will attempt to cry, but can’t... he’s just unable. He’s a zombie. Tom Hanks taught us there’s no crying in zombiehood.
This leads to a reprise of the wonderful musical number “Confrontation” only this time it’s Zombie-Javert vs. Zombie Valjean. Also, Marius’ army of bears vs. The Thenardiers, which admittedly would be a much shorter number, and mostly consist of bears roaring and Thenardier-screaming, but set to the jaunty tune of “Master of the House.”
Of course there will be a happy ending to it all, with Zombie-Valjean and Marius taking down Zombie-Javert, but only after he kidnaps Baby Fantine and Cosette, and a thrilling horse chase occurs through the rain-soaked streets of Paris, set to a hot pop song of the day and performed by onlookers. Many fruit stands will be ruined, that’s for sure.
That’s as far as we got with the story. There’s some talk of a rogue bear escaping Marius’ bear-army and wreaking havoc, thus setting up a third movie and thus completing a trilogy, and as we know any movie worth making is worth making as a trilogy. Zombies are hot right now, so we’re pretty sure we can convince most of the cast to return, (What’s Russell Crowe doing right now that’s so important?) except for Anne Hathaway who’s probably a big star right now and too busy eying Princess Diaries 3 to consider coming back to reprise her role. But that’s why I didn’t include her, and if we need her for a flashback there are expensive computers that will allow us to digitally insert her into the action.
But as far as stories go, Hollywood, call us. We have your next big hit right here.