Ok, party people, as of this moment we are officially one week away from Halloween! Yay! Halloween ranks up there as one of my favorite candy-getting holidays, the first being the Monday after Easter when those Cadbury Eggs are all going on sale.
I love this time of year. The leaves are all changing, people dress up in fancy/funny/slutty costumes, people complain about the fancy/funny/slutty costumes that the person near them is wearing, the movies get scarier, there’s inevitably some scary movie marathon obviously slapped together by people who don’t know what scary is, and there’s a good excuse for Ghostbusters to run on television as much as possible. Really it’s the perfect storm of awesomeness.
But it’s not all fun and games. For some people, this is the scariest part of the year: The week before Halloween and they don’t have a clue who they’re going as. Fortunately, it’s Bad Shakespeare to the rescue with your Bad Shakespeare Guide to Halloween.
-Don’t be the house that gives out toothbrushes, dental floss, trail mix, or anything like that. No one likes it. They may say “thank you” but it’s because their parents are standing behind them, making them. You will be mocked.
-Conversely, don’t be the house that gives out full candy bars. Yes, the kids will love you, but you’re really just making all of the other houses look bad. Unless you want to play mind games, and wait for a group of three. Give one the full bar, and the other two little pieces of candy. Then you’ve just given them something fun to talk about on the way to the next house.
-If you will not be home for the night, just put out a plastic bowl and a sign that says “take one.” Kids will just assume that someone has taken all of the candy.
-Ideally you should have prepped your eggs and mayonnaise for your Halloween Shenanigans this past summer when it was hot out. If you haven’t already, pull these things out of the fridge and leave them somewhere warm. Remember it’s about quality. Take pride in your pranking.
-If you are going to a Halloween Party, remember that you need to have a designated driver AND they need to be wearing a costume that makes it easy for them to operate a car.
-Timely costumes are always the rage, but no one wants to see your take on the current election, be it “Mitt Zombie” or “Ba-Ba-Ba-rock Obama”, Big Bird, Binder Full of Women, or any variation of anything Gangnam Style. “Call Me Maybe” is coming back, slightly, or at least there has been enough time.
-Sparkly Vampire is never ok.
-Yes. We know that chick is dressed like an extremely slutty nurse. No. I wasn’t looking at her.
-Lastly, remember the movies you are going to pick out are probably going to be scary. So while I know you think you’re going to get through at least four of the scariest movies you can find, I would recommend bringing Ghostbusters. Just in case.