New Names for the Washington Football Team

Imagine having to face this whenever you lost.

Here in Washington, D.C. a controversy is a-brewin’. 

Well, here in Washington, D.C., controversy is always a-brewin’. I mean, this is the seat of power for the United States, and yet we can’t even have most of our streets go a few miles without a sharp random turn to help with the construction that has been going on since 1982, the Metro is pretty much a joke, and a politician of one party visiting a Hamburger Restaurant for lunch can possibly lead to Congressional Action from the other party. So saying that a controversy is a-brewin’ in this particular area is basically saying, “It’s Tuesday.” 

No, this is a different type of controversy. You see, the football team here currently has an unfortunate name, as well as a very unfortunate record. Many feel that the name is offensive: the Washington Redskins. I’m not much of a football watching person (Go, Sport Teams!) but I have been following the name debate for quite some time now, and watching as it came to a head a few weeks ago when the  U.S. Trademark office cancelled their trademark, thus allowing even more bootleg merchandise from those people that sell things outside the stadium that I’m sure was totally legit.

Quick note, I am aware that some news organizations have stopped using the “Redskins” name. Offensive or not - this is the name for right now. I have my own personal feelings on the name, but this isn’t a piece on that. Also, they say that they’re going to stop using the Redskin name by announcing they won’t be using the Redskin name, thus throwing the name “Redskin” in one more time for good measure, and that’s just kind of wrong. Just like I did now. This is something else entirely. So, until the name changes, I’m going to use it, because it exists, and my personal feeling that words are words, and have the meaning we associate with them. Also, I feel “The Washington Football Team” not dances around the issue too much, and is a bit of a cop-out - if you felt that strongly about it, no matter the market, you’d stop writing about it until the name issue was solved. But, that’s too hard a stance for some people. Also if said wrong, can confuse people into think you’re talking about the Seahawks, and I don’t really have an issue with them. I guess that would be more “The Seattle Team” Again, not a football guy.

In any event, since the Redskins have lost the trademark to their own name, and the writing is basically on the wall that in a few years we’re going to have a new name for “The Washington, D.C. so I’m not talking about the Seattle Washington Seahawks,” I’ve decided to step in and help. As I’ve said repeatedly, I’m not much of a football guy. Most of my sports are Soccer or invented by science-fiction writers (Go, local Quidditch Team!). But I’m pretty creative, and I can come up with names like nobody’s business. So, I’ve decided to lend that help to the Redskin front office, and offer up some different names for the team. 

The Washington, D.C. Seahawks. This one gets that joke out of the way easy. Plus: we can finally get the all Washington Seahawks Superbowl that we’ve been clamoring for since 1974.

D.C. United or Washington Nationals. Jump on the bandwagon of our two teams that actually have the shot of winning the championships or making the playoffs. Then, rather than discussing the name change of our football team for six months, we can focus on the two teams that are both currently second in their respective divisions, rather than the team that finished at the bottom of their division last year because their name is offensive. 

The D.C. Griffins. Robert Griffin backlash hasn’t started just yet after it was was realized he wouldn’t carry the team to the Superbowl after his first year of playing, which is actually good for this area and the revolving door or Quarterbacks. Why not capitalize on this right now?

The Washington Daniel Snyders. If no one thinks that he has this up his sleeve right now, you’re all living in a dream world. There would be backlash, yes, but trust me, there’s a mockup of this right now.

The D.C. Potatoes. I’m still not sure why “Redskin” as a potato isn’t offensive when “Redskin” as a team name, isn’t. Shouldn’t they just call them “Red” Potatoes? I don’t think this would be a good name so much as the idea of changing the logo to a potato is being thrown around, and that idea is kind of stupid. 

The D.C. L’Enfants. What better way to inspire our team into stopping the other team then by naming it after the guy who designed the way D.C. snarls up traffic each and every day? We could have his face on all the helmets as a reminder that you won’t get past our defense. 

The Washington Generals. Nope. Makes too much sense. Plus there’s already a team with that name, and it’s not like owners have money to buy that trademark from them or anything like that.

The Washington Washingtons. Personally, this is perfect. Pretty much change the design of the uniform to a picture of George Washington with his axe, ready to chop down the opposing team. Plus, really distinguishes ourselves from the Seahawks. 

The Fighting Samuel L. Jacksons. Yes, let’s name the team after one of it’s most famous native DCers. DCite? Washingtonian. The logo pretty much creates itself, Samuel L. Jackson would make regular appearances, and it has a lot better ring to it than the Fighting Katherine Heigls, Plus, it worked for Marvel Comics…

The Fighting Andrew Jacksons. Why not name it after our most belligerent President who was known for beating people with canes? Plus... well, it would be kind of fitting...

The Washington Warriors. Again, this one makes sense, so I doubt we’ll see the name thrown out as viable alternative

The Washington Ravens. By this, I mean they all just disband, join other real NFL teams, and we can get the Ravens to play here. I mean, by the second week of playoffs most bars in D.C. have started rooting for the Ravens anyway, because it’s evident that’s the best way of a team within 100 miles of D.C. getting to the Superbowl.