Wednesday, September 12, 2012

iPhone 100 Release Party!

   Hello and thank you for joining us for our live Applesoft iPhone 100 event. It’s hard to believe that it’s been over 100 years since we first released the iPhone, and we are already on it’s 100th iteration. There has been a lot of history surrounding these phones. From the first form factor that seemed like a giant brick compared to the tiny device you inject into your blood stream once every two weeks. I know there has been some controversy with it as well, from dropped calls, to teleportation accidents and the brief moment when the iPhone 12s developed sentience and turned on most of their owners, but we believe that we have worked out the bugs, and we are pleased to announce our newest iPhone. Here are some of the new features that we have developed.

    -The ability to produce mini-flux capacitors, thus allowing full integration to GoogleTime. Unlike the ill fated iTime that resulted in major changes to the timestream, GoogleTime allows you to view the past, rather than change it. So feel free to look back on important moments of history, like the signing of the Declaration of Independence, the fall of the Berlin Wall, or the conclusion of the Cat/Human war and the signing of the I Kan Haz Treatiez.
    However, please note that all those still using iTime, President Kennedy has asked you stop going back in time to undo/redo his assassination. Thank you. A software patch is coming up to prevent you from doing this.

    -Thanks to advancements in the new iLife and our partnership with Twitmyfacestrgram, you will be able to share every moment of your life on the brand new social media site, Dave. Miniature cameras ands microphones will clamp onto the inside of your iballs and idrums, thus allowing you share every moment on Dave. Want to show the people on Cloud City how you live in Mega-New York? Did you successfully defend your hometown from another mutant uprising? Or are you just going on a nice cruise on lovely Lake Texas? Share them all on Dave, via Twitmyfacestragam.

    -iMovie has been upgraded as well! Would you like to watch the great American Classic movie American Pie? How about starring Kayne Kardashian-Shore? iMovie will directly beam any movie you’d like, directly into your brain starring whoever you want. Make sure you check out the new releases, like the fourth remake of the Harry Potter movies, or the Ultra-Special-Ultimate Edition of the Original Star Wars, now 100% CGI and with 20% less Wookies.

    -Facetime Carrier Pigeon. That’s right, we’ve upgraded Facetime to it’s natural conclusion. Once you activate Facetime, a carrier pigeon will be released to your location so you can write a note to a loved one. It’s the ultimate way to communicate in New Hipsterton, built on what was once known as Seattle.

    -iPhone Generator. We’ve developed a holographic device that will sit inside your hand and make it appear as if you are talking on any number of old iPhones! It’s another one of our iRetro advancements. Fool your friends to thinking you are actually “reading” a text message like back in the pre-brain download days. This can show any iPhone from the original to the iphone 85, the last time a physical phone was required. Oh, we did leave out the iPhone 50, since the incident.

    -One last thing, and this is a special feature for our friends currently enslaved in Canada, “Find My Robot Overlord.” That’s right, once this is activated, it will lead you right back to your robot overlord. No more taking a beating or a hot oil bath because you missed curfew or because you were “lost” and not trying to escape to the free territory of Idaho. Just one way Applesoft is helping embrace all cultures on Planet Earth.

    Of course, the iPhone 100 comes fully loaded with it’s usually standard features such as iAngrybirds, iUniversaltranslator, iWallet, iDentity, and iGod. Shipping on the brand new iPhone will begin shipping in two weeks. Once it has been confirmed to arrive at your city, the iPhone 99s will self-destruct. Side effects may include a headache, bleeding from the eyes, and a craving for cheese. Please consult a Doctor, if one is available in your town.

    Thank you. Now stay tuned for a concert from the most popular recording artist in the country this week, the Reconstituted DNA of Snookie and John Mayer.

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