Dear Captain Victorious,
Thank you for your recent interest in the position of Nemesis for Dr. Armageddonus. I am pleased to announce, thanks to some particularly industrious henchmen and a laser-clawed bear, that the position has been opened.
Attached you will find the standard “Superhero vs. Supervillain” Contract that I ask everyone to sign. It’s a mere formality, but as I spend much of my time working on death rays, mutated animals, giant robots, and CBS Sitcoms, it is important that we work together to ensure that we will have the best Nemesising experience possible.
Keep in mind that Nemesis hours are 8 a.m.- 7 p.m Monday through Wednesday and 12:00 p.m. - 12:00 a.m. on Thursdays and Fridays. No real weekend work is required as I have to give those days off to the Henchmen. They had a really good team negotiator this year, even after vaporizing the first one and sending the second one into the past to experience the horrors of being burned at the stake for eternity, the third one was still able to negotiate weekends off with a duck for a head. Henchmen these days.
You will not be expected to work on any Federal Holidays including the ones that were destroyed by reckless Time Travelers, like “World Peace Day”, “Free Puppy and Kitten Day” and of course “Pauly Shore Day”, which honored the world’s greatest humanitarian before.... well you know. I go on.
You’ll want to review the generous benefits package, which includes a generous life insurance policy in the event that you befall one of the terrors that removed your predecessors: Time travel that negates your existence, dropping in boiling acid, the rabid Tom Cruise pit, the aforementioned Laser-Bear death, and one of my henchmen stepping on your cape while the other pushes you down the stairs. Not Invincible-Man’s greatest moment.
We do offer a family plan, so please feel free to include the names of your loved ones on the attached document as well, including all secret identities. Of course, Invincible-Man was the only one stupid enough to fall for that.
Also, there’s a standard clause in here about getting to choose the actor who will play you should the movie rights to our soon to be epic battles get turned into a movie. Remember, I’ve already kidnapped Hugh Jackman and Jack Black, so they may wish to play themselves.
Oh, on that note, you’ll probably want to come rescue Hugh Jackman and Jack Black before I unleash my latest plan: The Greatest Movie Ever, which will lull the masses into a false sense of security. Jack Black plays quite the unconventional Barista, and Hugh Jackman... well, you’ll just have to see it.
Unfortunately, there’s a clause in here that you have to listen to my monologues before you stop me.
Once we receive the signed contract, it will go to the Legal Department of Doom, then off to Evil Human Resources, and you can start stopping my nefariousness in about three business days.
I mean... YOU’LL NEVER STOP ME, CAPTAIN VICTORIOUS!
P.S. - Enclosed is the invitation to the Doom Society’s Annual Summer Picnic. Please indicate if you are coming, and if you’ll be bringing a sidekick. Thanks!