Customer Service Representative, Part 3

Dear Mr. Thomar, the Bringer of Inconceivable Destruction,

            Franklin Family Construction is flattered by your counter offer of 10,000 gold pieces and seventy goats to aid in the construction of your “Castle of Doom atop the Highest Mountain Surrounded by a Moat of Pain”. However, this is clearly well below the estimate we originally sent. Such a fee is not enough to cover our permits to build outside the United States, much less in another dimension. The estimate plainly stated that the Moat of Pain itself was going to cost at least fifty goats.

            In addition, our highly skilled crew would be unable to work under your foreman, Lord Bramer, Fist of Death. We have our own foreman, Jeff, who is quite adept at motivating our crew without whipping or constant threats that they be sent to the Pit of Perpetual Terror. Of course, we understand there are many different ways to motivate a crew. Jeff has just found another way to get his crew working in his own way. Different motivation tactics for different people, as they say.

            Should you choose to accept the original estimate, we will be able to begin work next Tuesday. This will give us plenty of time to finish construction well before the Festival of the Solar Dragon in six months. I believe this was your timetable in ensuring a proper tribute to the Old Ones, and thus allowing you to take your rightful place as leader of your home dimension. Any other delay and I am afraid we will have to cancel this project, and move onto another.

            Thank you very much for your time.

            Respectfully,

            T. Franklin

            Customer Service Representative

            Franklin Family Construction

Customer Service Representative, continued

Dear Mr. Jones,

            Thank you for your interest in our company. Franklin Family Construction does pride itself in taking on new and exciting projects that push us to our creative limit. Projects like the one you describe certainly match our mission statement of finding challenging and creative projects, but we do have a few concerns.

            None of our crew nor subcontractors have experience working in a zero gravity environment. As a result, we do not believe we would be able to have your Moon Base operational in the three week timeframe you are requesting. In addition, we do not have the resources to commute daily from our home office here in Washington DC to your home base on the dark side of the moon.

            While you mention that you do have most of your materials, and we appreciate the sample, but none of us is familiar with this type of metal. You claim it to be the only substance in the universe that will weaken your arch-nemesis, but just don’t have the ability to work with this material.

            Many apologies, but this just will not work. If we knew of someone to refer you In the future, if you choose to build another base closer to the ground with more traditional materials, you will keep us in mind.

            

            Respectfully,

            T. Franklin
           Customer Service Representative

            Franklin Family Construction

Customer Service Representative

Dear Mr. Smith

            We at Franklin Family Construction are pleased that you chose us to assist with the construction of your facility. However, we are not pleased to hear that you were not satisfied with the results.  We sincerely apologize for this, as we strive to provide you with not only the best construction services, but with the best customer service as well. Maybe I can address some of the concerns in your most recent letter.

            1. The ropes above the shark pit were never intended to carry anyone over 200 pounds. This was made explicitly clear when you chose to go with the cheapest model available. If anyone over 200 pounds is tied to those ropes, this overexerts the motor and as you put it, “can allow people to escape” if equipped with a laser in their watch. (Also, an unforeseen circumstance.)

            2. You had chosen a location that was off any electrical grid. I know we attempted to compensate with solar and wind power, but you were warned that there would not be enough to power your Beam of Incomprehensible Destruction.  I know that times are tight, and that there isn’t much call for a man in your business, but had we tapped into the geothermal energy of the volcano you were on top of, perhaps we would have been able to generate enough power to at least reach France.

            3. Perhaps we could have placed the self-destruct button further away from the coffee maker in the break room.

            4. Our construction crew is very talented. We pride ourselves on having the best, hardest working crew. However, it was a little difficult for our Foreman to motivate our crew to work hard after the first few disintegrations. We apologize for the delay in your service because of this.

            5. We had subcontracted out the escape pod. I apologize that did not work as well as we had originally advertised. Due to the aforementioned disintegrations, we were falling behind.

            We apologize again for any inconvenience these problems may have caused. Please accept the enclosed coupon for 30% off our next estimate, and hopefully you can use us when you are no longer incarcerated.

            Thank you again for your business, and for the referral to your colleague, Mr. “Jones.”

            Sincerely,

            T. Franklin

            Customer Service Representative

            Franklin Family Construction

For One Night Only: Robin Goodfellow and the Lords of Misrule!

                As we approach Memorial Day, there are many different topics I could cover in this blog. I mean, after all, it’s a day that we honor the sacrifice of all those who have defended our country. It’s the unofficial start of summer. It’s the first day off many of us are getting in several months. It’s the reminder that you have done nothing to prepare for swimsuit season, and that bright yellow ball in the sky is not God’s anger, but rather the sun. I’m going to use this opportunity to discuss how we can solve the European Debt Crisis.

            Just kidding. I’m actually going to keep this somewhat short… you all want to get to your weekend and don’t want to read something long. (Or are reading this on Monday, and don’t want to be reminded that your weekend is past.) I’m actually going to talk about something that was big in England back in “the day”. (and if you have followed this blog, you know that when I mean back in “the day” I mean way back before there were cars or the internet.)

            Shakespeare wrote several plays that were to be performed around the time of festivals, similar to what we are celebrating this weekend. Two of them were Twelfth Night and A Midsummer Night’s Dream.  They were meant to be performed around two different festivals, mind you, but each one had a character that represented my favorite concept around this time: The Lord of Misrule. The Lord of Misrule, in addition to being the awesomest name for a band in history, was a character that caused mischief throughout the festival, and reminded people not to take things to seriously. In A Midsummer Night’s Dream, the character of Puck, who was this play’s Lord of Misrule, actually addresses the audience and tells them to lighten up at the end.

            I once had a professor give me the ultimate compliment. He told me that I would go far due to my adherence to “the spirit of the law, not necessarily the letter…” That stuck with me. It also reminded me that most of the people who go far in life are the ones willing to cause a little bit of mischief, and don’t take things too seriously.

            Here’s to spreading some mischief wherever you go.

Disclaimer.

           All content in this blog is ©2012 Bad Shakespeare, especially all jokes pertaining to George Clooney and the upcoming human/machine war. These two things are closely related, but I will not tell you how until a future post, hopefully before the human/machine/George Clooney war.  The names have been changed when it amuses me. If you see anyone mentioned in this blog that you believe is you and it offends you then I assure you that it’s someone else. If it flatters you, then enjoy the flattering portrayal. Any other resemblance to people living or dead is coincidental. Any resemblance to giant fighting robots and/or Cloverfield Monsters would be pretty awesome.

            All of the opinions expressed in this blog are 100% the opinions of the writer, and do not reflect the views expressed by Mr. William Shakespeare or the aforementioned cyborg king, George Clooney. The only real interaction I’ve had with George Clooney is that one time I talked to him in a bar and he said, “for the last time, kid, I’m not George Clooney, stop talking to me.” If you are offended, then I’m obviously doing my job. If you are not offended, then please let me know and I will try harder.

            Side effects to reading this blog may include: increased awareness of William Shakespeare, bouts of both laughter and sadness, hair loss, brief spontaneous combustion, and a strong desire to run outside and sing “Tell Her About it” at the top of your lungs at 2 a.m. It is not recommended you do this and Bad Shakespeare is not responsible for any arrests or complaints. Also, you may start setting off metal detectors in airports. Allow for extra time to board your plane. Please do not read while operating heavy machinery. If you do feel the need read while operating heavy machinery, please use extreme caution and wear knee pads and bring an umbrella.

            No part of this blog may be reprinted without the express written consent of the writer, William Shakespeare, or Major League Baseball. I really got screwed in that deal. It may not be copied by any known technology or any technology that has yet to be invented. This includes but is not limited to: direct downloading into the brain, Google Glasses, written on stone tables (after the human/machine/George Clooney war), translated into Canadian Goose Language, or Inception.

            Thank you for taking the time to read Bad Shakespeare. 

William Shakespeare Has Sunketh Mine Battleship

            So, once again, The Avengers dominates the box-office.  Apparently if you take a good story, good actors, and make sure it’s well written in a way that stays true to the source material but even non-fans can understand, people will not only like it but go back and see it as another company attempts to make a two hundred million dollar commercial for a 50 year old board game.

            “But”, you are asking yourselves over a box of your Count Chocolua cereal or perhaps while attempting to stop the Trix Bunny, “We know you like superhero stuff, but what does this have to do with Shakespeare, teaching, or any other general weirdness you usually write about.” My answer is: I’m writing about Shakespeare today, and I’m creating the mood. Please let me get to my point.

            Where was I? Oh, yes, The Avengers and it’s flat out dominance in the box office. As I’ve mentioned before, the box office has always been a huge deal, not just nowadays but as far back as anyone can remember. It wasn’t always called the box office, sometimes it was “Oog’s funny pictures better than Meh’s funny pictures.”  Then Meh would do some quiet indie pictures, and even though Meh won more awards than Oog. Then Meh would die young, knowing that he had more critical acclaim then Oog.

            Moving on.

Back in Shakespeare’s day the box office was called Henslowe’s diary, and it was the reason we still know about Shakespeare: he was popular (As mentioned). People would pirate his work, and some people believe that there is a question as to whether he wrote all of these plays, or if he was someone else. (These people are referred to in the academic community as “needing to get a life”). You don’t achieve real fame until there’s some kind of conspiracy around who you are. (Which is why I started the rumor that I secretly own Canada.)

 We may see him as high art now, and people won’t run that new Coriolanus movie that starred Lord Voldemort in a lot of movie theaters, but back in the day Shakespeare was popular, and played often. Maybe not Avengers popular, but none of his characters were played by Robert Downey Jr.  But he used all of the same tricks: Special effects, stunt casting, even plenty of fart jokes. No, seriously, I joke that he created the Saw franchise early on, but dude was really the Adam Sandler of his day. (That's a post for another day.)

            Which means in another 100 years or so, there may be classes on the great Sandler, and his influence on culture and the deep meaning behind Happy Gilmore. (Bob Barker is the wise old man who helps guide the young upstart into his place in the world. The alligator is just an alligator) And once they move my brain into a robot body, I’ll probably help teach that class.

            There you have it. Now when people are talking about The Avengers today, you have something intelligent to add to the conversation. Impress your friends! Bore your enemies!

All Aboard the Censor-Ship 2: Die Harder

A few weeks ago, I wrote a post that could be described as “thought provoking” and “handsome” by people who describe my posts (me) about censorship and book banning in schools. At the time, I was working on a banned book project. (Which, if tweaked a little bit, could have been an awesome project on band books, but I digress.)

            This is a topic that I really do wish continue to explore. It fascinates me, the idea that we are so afraid of some ideas that we have to flat out ban them because… why? Is there ever a good reason to ban a book?

            I’m still very much in the camp that banning books is a bad idea, and historically, it has never turned out well. Once you ban a book, you give it more power. Then you also run into that problem that you face with kids (and me) where if you tell them NOT to do something, they’re going to run out and do it. (of course in that case, maybe we SHOULD ban all books…) But someone commented on the age appropriateness of books in the classroom… I’ll give you that, but with a bit of a Shyamalanian twist. I think you have to look at the maturity of students before giving out some books, not necessarily the age. There are some fourth graders more mature than 16 year olds out there. There are some 16 year olds more mature than some television news pundits. It’s all relative, and it’s a difficult balance to try and strike. (Like getting a bear to ride a unicycle: If it’s too big, it’s not funny. If it’s too small, it’s not funny enough.)

That fourth grader may not understand the intricate history involved in the killing your enemies and baking them into a pie to serve to their parents that was Titus Andronicus. (Shakespeare was the original author of Saw. Look it up.) Does this mean that we ban this forever? No. I think it means we wait until they are mature enough to handle the material. (Sixth grade, maybe?) I joke and use an extreme example, but there was a book that we read in my class that did divide some of the students.

It was called Perfect and it featured things like date rape, eating disorders, steroid use, and other problems that we would like to pretend that kids don’t have to face today. I will level with you, it is not a happy book, and it does not have a happy ending. It is not an easy read, and I’m… well, let’s just say well over high school age. Should every high schooler be handed this book and told to read it? No. Do I think with the right students, they could get something out of this book and possibly open a dialogue about these issues? I think it could. Will I ask myself questions in every post? I don’t know… maybe. I know this book divided the class on whether or not it should be taught. In the right setting, it could be a powerful, powerful experience. But we have to give our students the opportunity to figure that out. They may read it and think it’s too much. They may read it, devour it, and seek out more books like it.  I could never pull this book so that no student could find it because I was afraid it would offend or because I want to pretend someone isn’t going through this. The “la-la-la-la I can’t hear you” method of going through life rarely works.  

This is your food for thought for today.  And keep in mind, these are just my opinions, not binding arbitration. This is a difficult subject, and there are no easy answers, and a guy wearing a Green Lantern Ring while he types this probably won’t solve all the difficult nuances behind this subject. (But I am willing to solve the problem of the best Green Lantern: Kyle Rayner. You’re welcome, America.)

I still plan do to do more with banned books, doled out thoughtfully over the course of the next few months because it is a heavy subject, and break it up more. Head to the comments section to weigh in, or email me at shakespearebad@gmail.com.