Friday, December 21, 2012

It's the End of the World as We Know it!

It’s 12/21/12, and you know what that means. Happy End of The World, everyone! I hope you all are feeling fine, and you’ve all yelled “Leonard Bernstein” at the top of your lungs at least once today. In the event that this is the end of the world, I’m really happy that you decided to spend it with Bad Shakespeare, looking for my words of wisdom as we face what’s next. Now, the Mayans never really told us what to expect from the end of the world, just that the world itself was ending. That could mean a whole slew of things, from rivers of lava, to zombies, to meteors, space aliens. Thankfully, you can count on your good drinking buddy and blogger Bad Shakespeare to help guide you to the end of the world. Hopefully, these tips will help you.

  1. No matter what the type of the end of the world, you probably won’t be expected to go into work on Monday. But remember, in the off chance that the Mayans were wrong, you probably don’t want to burn too many bridges on Friday afternoon. Finish what you can, clock out like regular, and remember sometimes the best revenge is preparation while your jerk co-workers suffer in a lake of fire or rabid squirrel attack
  2. Stock up on non-technological supplies like can openers and stuff, just in case the apocalypse is technology based. You don’t want to be “that guy.” You know that one. All of your kitchen appliances are trying to kill you, and just when you’ve escaped there’s that one guy who brought an electric can opener, or ipod, or some other technology based doohickey that seems innocent but rises up and tries to strangle you. No one invites “that guy” to roast the bird they caught on one of the cars that has suddenly caught fire.
  3. As cool as you may think it is, black leather is not the best thing to move in. I know that all the post-apocalyptic movies or TV shows always have everyone putting on the coolest black leather jacket. You can look cool, or you can escape the mutants. It’s up to you.
  4. f it turns out the Mayans were talking about robots coming back from the future and enslaving humanity, that might actually be kind of cool.
  5. Kind of the contrast to the technology, but there’s a slight chance that nature itself might rise up and take back the planet that day. If that happens, well, then I hope you made friends with nature. Personally I’m going to take a few plants hostage and use them to negotiate my way to power in the new world order. It’s ok, I’ll send for you once your weed whackers are deemed useless against the growing Rose Hoards that are coming to enslave you and work in the Squirrels’ underground acorn mines.
  6. Zombies and vampires are kind of played out. I don’t think the Mayans are so unoriginal that they would end the world that way. If that happens, remember your training: Zombies can be killed with a shot or blow to the head, don’t split up, if you hear something go in pairs, and if your young daughter falls in love with a vampire it will result in five mediocre movies and someone stealing the characters to write a semi-pornographic novel. 
  7. here’s a really good chance that no matter what, you will find yourself stuck in a bad Syfy Channel movie. It’s important to remember that we listen to our scientists that tell us about the giant Gatorsharktapusrana that is causing a radioactive tornadotidalwaveicestorm, we take them seriously, and that we stick close to the aging actor or actress clinging to fame by starring in those movies. Remember, they may be stuck with bad dialogue, but they are usually the survivors, or at least the last to go.
  8. I haven’t even addressed natural disasters yet, like meteors, comets, earthquakes, or tidal waves. In those cases, we’d better hope Superman is real and has just been hiding all these years. Because if dinosaurs, some of the most badass creatures God ever put on this Earth couldn’t survive a meteor, there is no WAY humans will. Cats will probably be ok, because they’re survivors, and they’ probably feast on our charred corpses. 

But there’s also the chance that none of this will happen, in which case it’s an excuse to put on one of the most epic parties that you have ever seen. I mean, finals should be over, a lot of people are starting their holidays... it’s really the perfect time to party down.

Of course, if the world does end, Natalie Portman, give me a call.

1 comment:

  1. What if the scientist is a former 80s teen singing star (Debbie Gibson or Tiffany)? Do we still have to believe them? Because Debbie Gibson told us all that we were "electric youth" and Tiffany was pretty adamant that covering a Beatles song was a good idea.