Monday, January 21, 2013

A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The National Mall

Today is a very special day... it’s Inauguration Day! Now, while I speak about politics from time to time, it has to do with education and politics, so no, I’m not going to speak about Inauguration politics. I don’t really care about that. To be honest with you, some dude won, and now he gets a big party. It gives me a day off, so I’m happy about that. However, it’s the side effect of the big party... the influx of tourists... that I’m not so happy about.

Now, there are two ways I can deal with it. Silently seethe behind my book as I fight my way though the mob, or I can publish the Bad Shakespeare Inauguration Tourist Guide! If you’re reading this... well, spoiler alert, it’s the latter. (What did you think I was going to do? NOT put together a Bad Shakespeare Inauguration Guide? It’s like you don’t know me.) Here are some helpful tips for those newbies coming to Washington DC for the first time.

-Those moving stairs at the Metro are called “Escalators.” May God have mercy on your soul if you dare stand on the left. This assumes that you are fortunate enough to find one that is actually working.

-Yes. The Metro will leave without you, and it will not leave with a full train. (I’d like to say this is just a joke, but this is based on something I actually saw. Those two people were REALLY mad that it left without them. And the station manager didn’t care. Ah, the cycle of transportation in Washington DC.)

-It’s called “The National Mall” but there’s not one JC Penny, Macy’s, or any other store. That joke isn’t funny. It’s never funny. We’ve heard it too many times. You’re not being funny by saying it. Please don’t say it.

-While I’ve been focusing on the Metro a lot, there are a many different ways to get to the National Mall. If any of them involve “driving” or “taking the bus” then you may be “out of luck.” 

-There are roughly eighty kabillion people that are about the cram themselves on the National Mall today. You’ll want to get there early, probably pack a snack. Also, shower. Please, for everyone’s sake  - shower.

-If you stay past Monday to take in the sights, please remember that we all have to go back to work. This means you’ll get to view Rush Hour. This is not a light fun action comedy starring Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker, this is actually a horrible nightmare of an experience that we have to deal with twice a day, every weekday. It’s akin to salmon swimming upstream except we pray for a bear eating us. If you see us during this time, do not attempt to engage us in eye contact or friendly banter.

-There will be plenty of knock off shirts and merchandise for you to purchase. I’m sad I didn’t think to make more things sooner. Next time, my friends. Next time.


  1. I'd like to add to this list specific to the ceremony today:
    -You shouldn't have had anything to drink after 9 pm last night. If you did, prepare to be in line on the Mall during the ceremony (if you can get to the bathrooms).
    -Leave early or stay late today. The Metro will be so crowded you won't even be able to get into the station and more than likely, you don't know the route to walk to where you going. And most of the streets are closed anyway.
    -Be nice to people. Remember to be a good citizen and not be a jerk.

  2. I'd like to point out that we would have gotten the day off anyway, we've actually been robbed of a day off by this holiday consolidation.