Monday, January 28, 2013

Not Featured: The Real Princes of Disney Castle

This weekend, I treated myself to a movie. I decided to go see the delightful new romp, Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters which imagines the pair after they’ve grown up and developed their bloodlust for witch. (And it is very anti-eating a candy house you find in the woods.) Me being me, I decided that this can’t be the only story worth telling that continues a popular fairy tale. So here are a few more.

Jack The Giant Security Consultant. After breaking into the Giant’s castle and stealing the magic harp and the goose that lays golden eggs, Jack decides to sell his services in showing other Giants just how he was able to sneak in, and how they can defend from other home invasions. 

Humpty’s Revenge. Horses and men, dying one by one. A scrambled egg, rising from the grave. Sheer terror.

Belle the Beast Whisperer. Having trouble training your beast? Belle decides that having tamed the Beast that was her prince, she can use this power to help other beauties that were mercilessly sold by their fathers to horrible beasts. She’s able to tame them, and if possible, break any curses associated with them. Comes to it’s natural conclusion in Belle: Brother Husbands when they all live together in one giant castle.

Red Riding Hood: Animal Rights Activist. Feeling guilty that a wolf was murdered to save her life, Little Red Riding Hood makes her Grandmother’s house a base of operations for the Storybook Land chapter of PETA. She’s driven insane when she’s forced to choose between the Big Bad Wolf and the Three Little Pigs.

Cindy Boo-Boo. Not wanting her children to grow up with the same life that she had, Cinderella decides to enter them into every children’s beauty pageant she can possibly find. Luck strikes when they hit a reality show contract.

Fairy Godmother: Agent of M.E.R.L.I.N. Following her successes in bringing Cinderella to the ball on time and turning Pinocchio into a real boy, the Fairy Godmother is drafted into a super secret magical spy agency. She’s eventually teamed up with an older wizard who’s only days away from retirement. Can they get along?

Pinocchio, My Life as a Puppet. Stirring drama in which Pinocchio doesn’t just live his life saddened as he no longer has anyone pulling the strings, but he makes a special trip to find Kermit the Frog and liberate him from his life of puppet-dom as well. Watch the emotional journey as a love triangle forms between them and Ms. Piggy. Gonzo and the Swedish Chef also star.

Prince Charming is going to Die Hard. After coming home from a hunting trip, Prince Charming finds that Show White’s has been kidnapped by Hans Grueber, and locked in their castle. Can he get the castle guards attention? Who will help him? And why did he take off his boots to relax?

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