Monday, August 26, 2013

Hamlet the Wondercat vs. The Salamander

It was the morning when the invader found his way into my house. A normal morning, like any other. The door was opened for any number of reasons... maybe I was checking the temperature. Perhaps it was time to get the newspaper, or even the mail I neglected to get the night before because I’m incredibly lazy. Maybe I was running late for work and threw caution to the wind as I tossed the door open with reckless abandon (sidenote: this was probably the reason.) But as the door was open and the house was a new place, the Salamander decided it was time to relocate to better surroundings.

He was an ordinary Salamander. He presumably led a normal salamander life before venturing forth into the cool recesses of my house. Maybe he had explored other houses and decided he liked laminate flooring, grey walls, and a vast collection of Star Trek toys. But he took those first few fateful steps into the house, and the Salamander’s fate was sealed. 

Almost immediately, Hamlet the Wondercat sensed an imbalance in his household. It’s a little known fact that cats, Hamlet in particular, are finely tuned to pick up disturbances in the force. That’s why there are so many mentions of Kitten-Jedi’s in the original Star Wars Trilogy. (Think about it: the Death Star is shaped just like a ball of yarn.) His white little ears perked up, and his differently colored eyes grew more focused. No longer just an animal sitting around, sleeping or wanting to play, not he had a mission: to destroy the intruder.

The first battle took place in the living room. Fortunately not the home of the aforementioned Star Trek collectables. Salamander deftly avoided his great white attacker beast, dipping and dodging underneath the couch, then over to the dining room table. Did he have the ability to climb the walls? Yes. Yes he did, as Hamlet the Wondercat discovered, as he leapt futilely towards the lizard. After an unfortunate experience with his head an the wall, Hamlet shook his head, and began round two of the great battle. 

The second battle took place in the kitchen. Hamlet let out a might roar as he pounced towards the tiny lizard. Of course, Hamlet was no match for the combined speed of the Salamander and those laminate floors that first attracted the lizard to his non-native habitat. Hamlet slid out of control, slamming into the kitchen table with such force that it knocked over an errant glass of water that had been left out because I was rushing off to work. 

Sensing an opportunity and a vast size difference, the Salamander dashed back into the living room, then under the nearest couch. However, unknown to the crafty lizard, Hamlet was well versed in hiding under the couch, being the youngest of three cats. He was still able to squeeze under it, although just barely. What he didn’t realize was the fact that this was just where the Salamander wanted him... under the couch, unable to quickly maneuver! Salamander was off, heading back to the portal that was going to take him away... but it was sealed! His escape was cut off? What to do next?

But it was too late. Hamlet the Wondercat had broken free from the couch, and was letting out yet another mighty roar has he pounced, this time catching the Salamander by the tail. Of course, it broke free, as Salamanders tails were built to do, but it still wasn’t enough... Hamlet the Wondercat had the hunting lust. With one mighty swipe of his white paw, the struggle was over, and the intruder had been neutralized. 

Feeling satisfied with is kill, Hamlet laid down on his favorite part of the couch for a mid-morning, pre-lunch nap, confident that he not only defended his house, but the beast who brings him his food would dispose of the body. 

Then there was the slight buzzing of a fly...

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