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| The Only Captain we need... for Love |
L’amour,
amirite?
Yes, it’s that time of year again in
between the vast wasteland that is Christmas and the Ides of March the greeting
card industry has made a holiday that forces us all to “love” each other, much
like a skunk the second he sees a black cat that accidentally rubbed up against
a freshly painted white fence. It compels us give out paper hearts and other
assorted goodies that usually are candy. So, I can’t fault them for that part.
I do enjoy candy. But what if you find yourself alone on this most sacred of
invented holidays? Why, the best possible way is to settle down with a few
movies.
It’s important to note at this point
that this is pretty much my solution to everything. Bad day at work? Movies.
Best friend stabbed you in the back at the behest of your other best friend so
he could take off with your girl? Movies. Went to go see a bad movie? Movies.
It’s really the only solution.
But which ones? It seems like the
only real romance that America is producing lately is in the form of Nicolas
Sparks latest fill in the blank masterpieces. Who’s going to die? Who’s going
to end up in the hospital? Will you cry? It’s easy to make fun of Mr. Sparks
because he’s gotten away with writing the same book over and over again, but he
presumably has a Scrooge McDuck Style Moneybin in his backyard and whichever
servant isn’t currently flossing his teeth will read him this blog as his
Google Alerts. (Plus, I always kind of liked A Walk To Remember. That one was pretty sweet.) However, what
Nicolas Sparks-free movies are good for you to watch on this Valentine’s Day?
Fortunately,
Bad Shakespeare is here to help with my list of the best Valentine’s Day movies
for any mood.
Best Bromance: The
Emperor’s New Groove
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| This right here. This is Guy Love. |
Let’s start with a movie that
doesn’t get a lot of love the rest of the year, and doesn’t feature a bunch of
kissing with the exception of a little bit of John Goodman on Llama action at
the midway point. The Emperor’s New
Groove, about a spoiled Emperor who is turned in to a llama for hilarious
reasons, is perhaps the goofiest Disney movie since A Goofy Movie, which
legally is the only Disney movie that’s allowed to be called “Goofy.” I’m sure
their lawyers would be on the phone with me in minutes if more than seven
people read this blog. (Hi, mom! There may be swearing later.)
Regardless, this underrated Disney
Masterpiece on the surface is about a rich brat learning his lesson, but
underneath is actually about the power of friendship, both in the characters of
Kuzco and Pacha, the John Goodman-esque llama farmer who seeks to return his
enemy to the throne, but also in the loyalty of Kronk and Izma, the people who
ineptly turned Kuzco into a llama in the first place. At the end of the day,
neither can really achieve their goals without the help of that friend in the
first place, even if they manage to drive them crazy with their wacky antics.
Don’t want love but want the unending power of friendship to guide you through
the heart-shaped Twixts? Throw in the Emperor’s Groove.
(Which is an
abomination. Everyone knows that Twixts should be candy bar shaped, and the
left one tastes better which is why you save it for last.)
Best Tragic Romance: Doctor
Horrible’s Sing Along Blog
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| It's more romantic if you know he's planning on blowing up the world for her. |
Yes, this entry was largely an
excuse to get a Nathan Fillion movie on the list, and his work on Slither just wasn’t going to make it.
No, this movie has all the makings
of a wonderful Joss Whedon production, including catchy songs that are fun and
lighthearted until they hit you with a twinge of longing and romance (“With my
freeze ray I will stop… the pain.”) and a good story where you hope the bad guy
is going to win long enough to get the girl, but in the end, he loses her to
his own ambition. There’s a powerful lesson here about focusing on what’s
important, and probably not being a character in a Joss Whedon anything.
Also, where’s Doctor Horrible 2, Joss? And an Angel
movie? (I like to pretend more than seven people read this. Hello, again, mom!
No, no swearing yet.)
Best Romance, Tom Hanks Style: Joe
Versus the Volcano.
Some of you in the audience are too
young to remember but there was a time when Tom Hanks was just a funny guy,
unless you paid attention to the darkness he could portray in The ‘Burbs and Punchline. You’ve seen the former movie. I feel like I'm the only one who's seen the latter,
but when you’re not binging on the list I’m giving you for Valentine’s Day, you
should check it out. Anyway, he used to do a lot of comedies, especially
romantic comedies, and while I could have thrown a dart at his IMDB page before
2001 and hit one, I chose one of his best, as a young man named Joe Banks who’s
diagnosed with a terminal disease and is given only a few months to live. An
insane billionaire gives him anything he wants, so long as he jumps into a
volcano to appease the inhabitants of a tiny island, and so the billionaire can
keep mining a precious resource he uses to make his special brand of Orange
Soda.
No. Really.
Along the way he falls in love with
Meg Ryan, three times.
No, really… there are three women in
this movie. All of them are Meg Ryan.
This movie gets on the list for it’s
uplifting message that you should live every day like you’re going to jump into
a volcano. That is, Joe leaves his miserable life of hypochondria and
eventually learns to love himself, which opens him up to the possibility of
love with the most fleshed out, least depressing Meg Ryan that is available at
the end of the film. This movie actually warrants a lot of analysis, but that’s
another post where I’m not trying to cheer you up.
Best Romance, Disney Style: Hercules
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| How most people feel about Valentine's Day, summed up in one image. |
I have a confession to make. Hercules
is my favorite movie because it’s the one where the characters come the
furthest from the beginning. Let’s face it: Hercules is a jerk who becomes a
hero not to save all of the people he can save because he’s literally got the
strength of a god, but because he wants to go home and live with the gods. Phil
is a gluttonous, lustful, goat-man who wants to be known for training a hero.
Hades… actually he’s pretty cool, I like him. And Meg just thinks everyone
deserves misery, because she is. She spends a lot of time denying her feelings
for Hercules. And even Hercules, who is in “love” with her to start, is just
trying to reap the hero’s reward.
But, this is actually one of my
favorite Disney movies, because it’s actually about finding yourself to find
love. Meg isn’t a redheaded mermaid who was secretly trying to overthrow the
king. Hercules doesn’t have the aid of a magic carpet or wise-cracking monkey.
And this story isn’t a highly romanticized tale taking from Victor Hugo or the
darkest parts of American History. No, this is tale about real love. Hercules
gets everything he wants in the end: not just learning that self-sacrifice
makes you a hero, but he became an actual god. And he gives it up. Why? To be
with the one he truly loves. Meg. Because she needed him, and the best part is,
he needed her to remind him of what it meant to be an actual hero, not just a
glory-hound because he can do more than the mortals.
It’s a sweet story.
Most
Romantic Shakespeare: Much Ado About
Nothing
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| Denzel and Keanu! Together at last! |
Joss
Whedon. Kenneth Branagh. Either one is pretty great. Shakespeare’s classic tale
about the battle of the sexes is pretty awesome. If you want laugh out loud
funny, I’d recommend Joss Whedon’s black and white version that manages to
firmly place itself in present times, but manages to remain timeless. If you
want to watch Denzel Washington and Keanu Reeves be brothers, I’d recommend
Kenneth Branagh. That has the bonus of having the funnier version of Dogberry,
the tragic hero of the entire play. Both are excellent, and worth your time.
Most Romantic Nicolas Cage: City
of Angels
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| This happened. |
A movie list that doesn’t mention
Nicolas Cage? The man has literally done every genre. Superhero? Indiana Jones
ripoff? Die Hard in a…? Comedy?
Academy Award Winning? (Hi, Leo! One of you seven, forward this to Leonardo
DiCaprio.) Of course he can do drama. In
this case we return to the time when Meg Ryan and Julia Roberts were competing
weekly in underground fight clubs to determine who would be America’s
Sweetheart, and Meg Ryan got the chance to be the romantic lead in this tale of
an angel who falls in love with a human. That angel is Nicolas Cage. Yes, the
ending is tragic (Spoiler for an 18 year old movie) in that she dies, but the
point is you get to see Nicolas Cage at his most romantic. And really, isn’t
that what Valentine’s Day is about?
Fun fact, I once took a date to this movie. It was our first. There was not a second.
Fun fact, I once took a date to this movie. It was our first. There was not a second.
Most Romantic Movie: The
Princess Bride
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| Don't hassle him. He's been mostly dead all day |
Seriously, this movie has literally
everything… sword fighting, revenge, true love, rodents of unusual size, Carey
Elwes, Andre the Giant, fire swamps… If you really know nothing about this
movie, then go watch it now. Not even for Valentine’s Day. Just… go check it
out. I can’t even be funny about it.
Best Valentine’s Day Movie: Scott
Pilgrim vs. The World
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| pictured: True love |
I deliberated for a long time about
what I felt the best movie for this, the holiday with the most love except for
my Birthday. And I really had to settle on one: Scott Pilgrim vs. the World.
It’s a tale as old as time itself: a
young man falls in love with a woman, and together they grow up while dealing
with each other’s baggage. In this case, the baggage happens to be Scott’s
inability to grow up and take responsibility for himself, and in Romana’s case,
her seven evil ex’s who are going to try to kill Scott in hilarious, video-game
style combat. It’s heavier than it sounds.
What makes this movie so spectacular
is its ability to mix a dramatic subject like real love – the type of love that
requires real work, not just a few “I love yous” or “you complete mes” or
[insert Nicolas Sparks plot here] – And present it in a comedy format, one that
is frantic and features a lot of people exploding into coins. Plus, Captain
America fighting Michael Cera. I’m not really sure where else you’re going to
find that.
I could go on with others, but
really, remember at the end of the day that Valentine’s Day… like any other
holiday… was invented for some reason or another. Finding love isn’t the
end-all/be-all of existence, and it’s definitely not worth Roses with a mildly
severe markup for a day because the red heart on the calendar tells you
so. The best thing you can do with this
day is what you do with every day… sit back, relax, and put on a good
movie.
