Friday, June 29, 2012

The More You Know...

    We have a lot of fun on this blog, don’t we? We often talk about robot uprisings, squirrel invasions, the dangers of owning your own construction company that caters exclusively to super villains. Every once in a while, I try to tackle some hot button education or Shakespeare issue, letting kids know some real advice, and what might help them in the future. It’s what I set out to do when I created this blog.

    However, there is one issue I haven’t really tackled, and it’s a problem I feel that we need to discuss in an open and honest forum: Dark Wizards. Some call them Warlocks, some just call them “Barry”, because despite his name change to Mordeci, Summoner of all that is Evil, his name is “Barry.” (A Supercharged Ego is just one of the many problems that is caused by Dark Wizards.)
    Dark Wizards have been slowly infiltrating our society for quite some time. J.K. Rowling recently attempted to warn people of the dangers that Dark Wizards pose with her novels, but I fear the message may have been lost in the midst of the fancy writing, and awesome special effects.

    How do you know you’re dealing with a Dark Wizard? Note the questions you should be asking when dealing with your wizard:

-Do they laugh manically after dealing with you?

-Did you phrase your request specifically so there isn’t an ironic loophole? (i.e, “Make me a Turkey Sandwich” turns you into a turkey sandwich.)

-Do they have a wide assortment of jars with tiny people screaming “Don’t make a deal with him! Don’t make a deal!”?

-Does he offer to sell you magic beans for a low price?

-Are they moody?

-When they do laugh, does lightning strike?

-Is their animal companion a sassy bird or snake?

    These are all signs that you may be dealing with a Dark Wizard.

    What can you do? It is up to all of us to remain vigilant against the Dark Wizard menace. If you see one in your town, make sure you get together a mob with pitchforks and torches, and get them to leave town. Particularly “Barry” Summoner of NOTHING who said that the spell he was selling me would bring me nothing but riches, but instead filled my life with a bunch of guys named “Rich.” And they’re all crashing at my place. Eating my food.

    You’re a Jerk, Barry.

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