Friday, March 15, 2013

Beware the Ides of March. And Clowns.

Hey boys and girls, it's that time again, apparently. I personally didn't get the memo, but evidentially it is time once again for all of us to post our political conspiracy theories without a shred of research and care about the public forum in which we're doing it. At first, I was all like, "why can't people just do some research before they post their craziness?" and "why are people posting something so insane here?" but then I realized that I was thinking too hard.

It’s important to think about conspiracy theories as today are the Ides of March. For those of you who aren’t hip to Shakespeare, the Ides of March were the day that Julius Caesar was told to watch out for because people were plotting against him. This particular conspiracy theory turned out to be true, because he was stabbed many, many times, and Brutus, the honorable man was betrayed after betraying his friend.

So today, in honor of the Ides of March, I have the best conspiracy theories that haven't yet hit the internet. Feel free to take any of them, as I have not done a shred of research. After all, if conspiracies worked for Brutus, Julius Caesar, and Mark Anthony, they’re good enough for everyone!

        -Those CAPTCHA tests aren't there to ensure you are a human; they're there to find out who is a robot. Once they've proven that you are a machine, you'll be shown into the secret underground fight club where they make humans fight and bet on them. And the CAPTCHA tests are really more to ensure you can bet. Humans aren't allowed to handle robot money. It's a little racist, but ultimately the robots have the power, so there's not much we can do about it.

        -Secret Government Laboratories (tm) are currently working on cloning technology. If you've ever handled a penny, there's a clone of you right now being trained to step into your life should a second you be killed by the work being done by a Second Rival Secret Government Laboratory (tm) which is working on creating human/animal hybrids. If you've ever handled a nickel, then there's currently an animal/human hybrid of you running around.

        -Solyent Green is people! It's people! It's... wait, what? Never mind.

        -Back in 1973, God did return to Earth. He briefly looked around, shrugged His Heavenly Shoulders and said, "good enough" and headed back to heaven. This was recorded by a group of plucky teenagers on a Super 8 camera, but was taken by the Government and locked it away in the secret underground bunker that also contains the first evidence of time travel, the real dinosaur bones, and the first draft of Justin Bieber.

        -The MLB was first started as part of a secret program of missile defense. The original plan was to simply hit any nuclear weapons back to their country of origin using wooden bats. This was later replaced with the plan to simply dunk them back using NBA players, but the standing around on a field in the middle of August remains.

-There is no Lincoln Memorial.

-Google was invented by robots to figure out what we have questions about to help them in their domination of Earth. The first thing they’re going to strike down are Brad and Angelina. I know this is the second robot-related event I put on here, but those robots... you have to watch out for them.

-While we’re on the subject, I’m not too trustful of clowns, either. I don’t know enough to say something obnoxious about them, but you know... I’m keeping my eye on them. All of them. Your biggest fear should be a big-shoed, red-nosed, green-haired angel of death.

I hope everyone enjoys the Ides of March with their own, spectacular conspiracy theory, and not by being tricked into stabbing their friends 23 times.

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