Friday, September 19, 2014

Evil Menu Options... Press 1 to continue

Hello, and thank you for calling Evil Minion, Inc, the leading provider in Henchmen and Minions. We are proud to be your one stop shop for all your Minioning needs. We understand your time is valuable, and your call is very important to us. Threatening world leaders with various doomsday devices takes teamwork, and we’re happy to be able to provide you with that specialized team that can provide you with top quality service

Please pay close attention to our menu options, for they may have changed.

If you wish to continue this call using a language that has not been invented yet, a language of the Old Ones, or you are not from this planet, please press 1. We would like to say that we have translators of every type available 7 days a week, but if your language is from beyond the Milky Way or Older than the Old Ones, we may not be able to assist you.

If one of your minions and/or henchmen have accidentally pressed the self destruct button to your latest Death Ray, Giant Laser, or other Doomsday Device, please press 2. Please remember that Evil Minion, Inc is not responsible for the actions of our Minions once they are cloned, consumed and sent you you.

If you have accidentally unleashed a monster, either from this dimension or another, please press 3. Please have the weakness of said monster or the spell, chemical code, or programming code available before speaking to our customer service representative.

If the damsel you have kidnapped is no longer in distress, please press 4.

If you have found yourself trapped in another timeline, era, or dimension, please press 5.  Please remember we are unable to retrieve anyone that has gone beyond 54 A.D., due to liability issues.

If an attempt to destroy your enemy has resulted in the death of a loved one and caused them to come after you with vengeance, please press 6 from an undisclosed safe room. Please note that we will not be held liable for your mistake.

If this is in regards to the recent passing of the Henchmen Union, please press 7. Most Henchmen Unions have been squashed under the Iron Fist of our management. Please note that this is not a metaphor.

If the robot you have designed has gained emotions and is trying to take over the planet, please press 8. Note that we will disconnect you at the first sign that they will attempt to take over our computer system.

If your floating fortress has suddenly experienced a loss in cabin pressure, please press 9. You may also use this option if your undersea fortress has sprung a leak, or if your moon base has lost the ability to maintain gravity.

For all other emergencies, please stay on the line and one of our customer service representatives will be with you as soon as possible. Please keep in mind that we will not offer refunds on any Minion or Henchman that is incapacitated with a Judo Chop, drop on the head, or ironically timed ricochet. We will also not offer any protection against changes to the timeline, or due to loss of continent because your nuclear powered device was suddenly destroyed. Keep in mind that all sales are final. If this is a major emergency, please hang up and pray to the deity of your choosing.

Thank you for choosing Evil Minion, Inc. The only Evil Minion Supply company that has your back.

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