Monday, April 15, 2013

Pantsless Ducks with Rage Issues

It’s Tax Day! It’s the day when all slackers rush to get their taxes done, all the people who didn’t want to get them done are all smug, and occasionally one of the smug people gets punched by a slacker. I don’t condone any of this, except if you can do it once or twice for my amusement, and I get to sit in a throne and be fed grapes. But then I’m reminded I’m not a Roman Emperor, and this is unlikely to happen.

    Why pay taxes? Well, as Donald Duck might tell you in old World War 2 Propaganda films, it’s to help us fight Nazis. And as Dave Barry might tell you in one of his books, its to pay for some of the best entertainment the planet has to offer, then proceed to show you how the US Government is little more than an episode of Three’s Company, and everything hinges on fooling Mr. Furley. And as I might realize, I should probably learn more about how our government works from more than brilliant formerly syndicated columnists and pantsless ducks with rage issues.

    Now, while I don’t know much about the history of government, I can make plenty of stuff up. Taxes were first invented way back in Biblical Times, probably around the time that Noah realized he was stuck on a giant floating ship with a bunch of freeloading animals who were eating his food (and possibly each other) and decided that enough was enough, and that those slacker unicorns were going to have to pay with something, so they gave away their horns. And that’s how zebras were created.

    Paying taxes can also cause a lot of stress, possibly because the current US Tax code is slightly less complicated than the interweaving plot of A Song of Ice and Fire, although without all the Dragons. (unless you happen to own a dragon, in which case you should see subsection 7, paragraph 12, which coincidentally was written by George R.R. Martin.) The important thing to remember is to take a few minutes to calm yourself before going on a rage, and remember that this isn’t Monopoly. You can’t flip the board over and declare yourself the winner.

    I also realize that taxes are a touchy subject. From what I can tell, one group wants another group to pay less, while another group wants another group to pay less. As I don’t care much about politics, right now I want to support the group that wants the group I’m in to pay less. I’m not sure who that is. Whoever it is, you know you’ve got my support! Go, politics!
   I also know there’s a whole group of people who don’t think they have to pay any taxes. It should be noted that William Shakespeare was one of those people. Yeah, apparently the Bard was a notorious Tax Cheat. The dude had a rap sheet, and was wanted on Tax Evasion charges in Bishopsgate. So when you're being audited, point out that the greatest playwright in the world didn't pay his taxes: Why should you?

    Regardless, as you stand in line at either the tax place getting your taxes done, or as you stand in line at the Post Office, thus justifying their existence until the day before Mother’s Day where you suddenly take an interest in overnight shipping and Saturday Delivery, just remember that you’re paying your taxes because of reasons, and that you won’t have to worry about them again until the morning of April 14, 2014.

1 comment:

  1. I knew taxes were to blame for the lack of unicorns in the world. Stupid taxes.