Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Henchmen Without Homes

                It’s troubling.
                Too often when a superhero, rogue NYC Cop, or British Superspy finally stops an evil agency, the evil scientist is taken into custody, but what happens to the Henchmen?
                Hello, I’m Bad Shakespeare, and I’m here to talk to you today about something close to my heart. Every year millions of henchmen are left unemployed because they happen to be judo-chopped, gassed, or otherwise fooled by someone sneaking into a secret lair in poorly made disguise. Once their Evil Scientist or Alien/Mutant Overlord is taken into custody, what are they to do?
                I’m here today to endorse a very special charity: Henchmen without Homes. We here at Henchmen without Homes work hard to re-employ Henchmen that no longer have a place to go thanks to the meddling of a do-gooder who has stopped the most recent death ray or plot to steal all the gold in the world an put it on the moon.
                Once these plots are foiled, where is a well-skilled purveyor of the hunching arts to go? How are they skilled to enter the workforce? How do they fill out a resume, making sure to include the fact that they are skilled at hand to hand combat, proper mutant shark care, and are able to type 60 words a minute, all while wearing a mask? These are things that aren’t taken into consideration when Sally Sunshinewoman or Capt. Awesome comes to break up a non-mainstream plot. (That is occasionally called, “an evil plot.”)
                Take for instance Barry. Barry was known as Henchman 57, working for a particularly spirited individual known as Dr. Phantom. It was Dr. Phantom’s dream to build a palace on the moon, but was thwarted by a NYC Cop that accidentally got taken into orbit on a shuttle. Once the Moon Palace was destroyed, Barry drifted. We were able to work with Barry, and use those special skills of Moon-Rock Harvesting to motivate others to work hard, eventually landing him a job motivating youngsters in inner city schools.
                Or take the case of Sally. Sally henched for several years under the Fem-natrix. She had a series of plans, but one of them involved holding the world’s supply of water hostage. After her plans were thwarted by Capt. Sunshine, Sally was able to come to Henchmen without Homes, and get her degree in Marine Biology.
                Lastly, take the case of Henry. Henry was just an ordinary Human Resources Manager when Dr. Armageddonus decided to use his brain switcher ray to put Henry’s brain into the body of a cat. Thanks to Henchmen without Homes, Henry was able to overcome his disability of being a cat, and is now a Human Resources Director for one of the largest local banks in Wisconsin. His fur creates a natural defense against the cold.
                We’re asking you to take these cases into consideration, and the next time you feel as those you’d like to donate money, please… remember the masked workers. For every evil man in a cape with fists of iron, there are the brave men and women in masks helping make sure that everything runs smoothly.

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