Wednesday, May 1, 2013

It's the First of May!

I have a problem, but it’s a good problem to have.
                I’ve done this blog for over a year now. (You all remember Anniversaganza!) Which means some of the milestones I celebrated over the first year are now a bit moot, such as Shakespeare’s birthday, which I lumped in with Superman’s this year, and now we’re coming back upon May! Last year I discussed Midsummer Night’s Dream and the Lords of Misrule and how wonderful it would be to be referred to as the Lord of Misrule.
                All of that being said, I still feel we need to celebrate the momentous day that is the First of May. It’s a magical time when we’re still technically in Spring, but Summer is so close that we can practically smell the chlorine on our skin, taste the melted ice cream on our skin, and start complaining about the heat instead of the cold. Of course, if you’re a Jonathan Coulton Fan, you know that the first of May is important for other things, thanks to his wonderful song, “The First of May.” I’ll leave you to Google that one for yourself. However as much as I hate the acronym NSFW, this song is very NSFW. Seriously, if my parents are reading this, don’t Google that song.
                But how can we celebrate the birth of a new summer? I mean, after all, we’ve all been trapped indoorsish during another mild winter. And many of us are still suffering from an allergy season that not only won’t die, but almost seems like the trees are literally trying to kill us, much like a bad M. Night Shyamalan. (Notable for giving Zooey Deschanel her least quirky role to date.)
                But I’m not here to make fun of M. Night Shyamalan for an entire post again. (This time, anyway.) I want to present you with some Bad Shakespeare tips to squeeze the most out of summer. After all, it only comes once a year, and lasts way too long.
                -When you’re baking in the 101 plus degree weather, it’s important to remember that only a few months ago you were scrambling to get as many eggs and milk as possible before the global catastrophe of an inch of snow. Those were the good old days. I’m saying if you have any eggs left, see how long it takes to cook on the sidewalk.
                -This year is the year the cicadas are going to re-descend on Washington DC. It’s not every year we get one of the genuine plagues of Egypt on us. Just to be safe, you may want to make sure you’re not doing anything to annoy Moses.
                -Last year I did discuss the Lords of Misrule. Start a band called “Lords of Misrule”. Break up at the end of summer when one of you gets a girlfriend that wants to change everything you do. Boom. Movie of the week.
                -Stay inside, mole-like so your eyes don’t adjust to the brighter light. Re-emerge again when it’s cold, and there’s far less chance of bear attacks.
                -The days are getting longer, which means it’s light out for a long time. Find that house that you know some parents are making their kids go to bed before it’s dark out, then sit outside, eating ice cream, riding bikes, and talking loudly about how your summer is going. You’re an adult. You can do whatever you want, and bed-times are meaningless.
                -Have a summer romance. Get John Travolta to sing about it with his friends.
                -Take advice from Jonathan Coulton’s song , “First of May.” Also, while you’re at it, go and buy his version of “Baby Got Back” which is not only hilarious, but was stolen in a very special episode of Glee about cyberbullying. All proceeds of that song now go to charity.
                -Remember that it’s SUMMER MOVIE SEASON. You should have said your Our Whedons already, and prepared yourself for the moviephonic experience. I hope you’re reading this on your phone or table as you’re in line already to see Iron Man 3. (Opens Nationwide Friday. You’re welcome for that last bit of advertising, Marvel. You couldn’t have done it without me.)
                Happy May First, everyone!

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