Thanksgiving Survival Guide

         Ah, Thanksgiving. While it’s usually ignored as the little blip on the road from Halloween to that big holiday with all the red and green whose name escapes me, it actually is a pretty significant day. It’s not just a mere holiday where we give thanks for all of our blessings for the past year. It’s not simply a ritual sacrifice in which we char the flesh of an animal that has been sacrificed before we pray around it. (Thanks, Buffy the Vampire Slayer! Still a great joke.) No, this is  the big opportunity to get back together with friends and family that you might not have seen for quite some time.

            For those of you in college, this is your opportunity to go back and see everyone again.  Hit up that bar that you always eyed as a high school student. See some old friends that have definitely changed because of that one class they took in Psychology and now they know where you’ve gone wrong your whole life, or maybe that one nerd finally found themself. No matter what the message will be clear: they’ll be miles ahead of where you are, at least at first glance.

            For the rest of us, it means seeing family we haven’t seen in a year as they make their way to the locations that were hard fought for back in May when balancing that ever so careful precipice between “I don’t want to cook” and “I don’t want to travel.” You’ll see great uncles and aunts that were only spoken about in legend, cousins who have decided they are ultra vegans (and make sure you know they are ultra vegans as you go for that third helping of turkey) and grandparents that just want to see their kids get along one last time.

            But, no matter where you are, by now you’ve realized… that it’s election season.

            Yes, election season. We’ll happily speak with those that have different opinions on movies, books, video games, sports teams, music… but throw politics into the mix, and you might as well be declaring yourself a comic book super villain, ready to cast off all the innocents as you devour kittens.

            The bottom line is, this yet another Thanksgiving controversy that you many encounter when dealing with. And how can you navigate through this minefield of gravy, football games, and politics and still make it through having to see these people again in a month on Christmas? (or whichever December themed holiday you’re planning on celebrating?) Fortunately, Bad Shakespeare is here to help, because I’m great like that.

Politics

            Obviously, as the 2016 election began shortly after the results were announced for the 2012 election, ignoring the four years of local and midterm elections, this is a pretty hot topic. Everyone has their opinions on politics, and your family is to be no different, from the die hard Donald Trump supporter uncle to your cousin finishing his third year of college supporting someone named Bernie Sanders who appeared mysteriously when summoned by the mysterious primary elders. Where did he come from? Nobody knows. Rumor has it he’s not really even a real person, but the figurehead of a secret society I just made up.

            How to make sense of all of this? Basically it’s this: We’re about a year away from the election, give or take a Smarch or so. The Democratic Field didn’t really need to whittle it’s way down too much, and it’s Hillary Clinton vs. they Mysterious Wizard Bernie Sanders, and they’ve had a few debates, but Hillary is probably going to win, just like she was probably going to win about this time in 2007. If anyone asks you about Hillary and emails, best to spill gravy on yourself and go change immediately, changing the subject to that funny time when you accidentally spilled gravy on yourself.

            The Republican Party right now roughly resembles the WWE without all of the order, with debates so large that there’s actually a mid-card division fighting for what I assume is the Intercontinental Title. Leading the pack is Donald Trump, or Ben Carson, or whoever the news is telling us is leading the pack. The truth is, I don’t know really know what’s going on with the Republican Party at this point, and I’m too afraid to ask. If anyone mentions anything about it, simply nod, smile, and talk about that time you spilled gravy on yourself.

Black Friday

            Over the past few years, the concept of stampeding into a store when it opens like wild animals the day after we give thanks for everything we have has become… well, depending on who you ask, either a big problem or something we should push even earlier so we start our Christmas Shopping sometime around January 5^th of the pervious year. I know: it’s amazing: we refer to something as a doorbuster than we’re shocked when people actually bust down the door.

            For those of you who don’t know, Black Friday is the day when stores release their sales in hopes of making a profit for those people who haven’t heard of “the internet” or the fact that you actually get your best deals on December 24^th, when people are trying to dump merchandise.

            If you have a family that will be going out shopping a few minutes after finishing that last helping of pie, send them on their way.  Pack them up a lunch, and hope that the odds are ever in their favor.

            If you have a family member that points out the absurdity of the store opening on Thanksgiving while they’re in a reclining chair, watching Football and forgetting that there are hundreds of people not with their family but cleaning stadiums as they watch their sport, don’t engage. It’s a trap. Smile and nod, smile and nod. Remember, this is football, and it’s their tradition, and since it’s their tradition, it’s great, while everyone other tradition is stupid.

Meat free vs. Meat

            For those of you who don’t know, processed meats have entered the most recent list of things that will kill you immediately upon looking at it, according to the World Health Organization. Your nephew that is currently a level 24 vegan, has read this article and memorized every word. Every. Last. Word. And they will let you know, but just when you’re preparing the turkey, then when you’re cooking the turkey, and later when you’re eating the turkey. There’s no escape from this. I promise you. I’d like to pretend that there’s a way out, but there isn’t.

            The important thing to remember is that you’re with family, and after the third beer or third glass of wine you should be more that suited to listen to whatever report currently says that all meat is going to kill you before digging into that sweet, sweet, bird. Keep it nice and juicy, too. Mmmmmm… Turkey…

The Rest

            There are plenty of other controversies that are probably going to come up. Climate Change. Terrorism. Free Speech. Immigration. Common Core. What you’re going to do with your life once you graduate from college. All hot button issues that are best reserved for when a carving knife is within reach. But the important thing to remember is that you’re spending time with family.  The people you’re so blessed with that you just have to stay away from the most of the year.

            Basically I’m saying it’s one day. You can do this. I believe in you.

            Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Hey... Everyone... I'm doing Something Controversial! Pay Attention to Me!

Pictured above: Beetlejuice with a graduate of the "Hey look at me, i'm Edgy!!" School of Getting People to Notice You.

I’m not sure many of you have heard, but controversy struck the Video Music Awards (For those of you who don’t remember, at one time, MTV played music videos. Now they pick from what they’ve seen on Youtube like the rest of us) when Madonna, clad in a wedding dress, writhed on stage while performing “Like a Virgin” signaling the downfall of humanity itself... what? 1984?

Sorry, sometimes when I try to write something, I get a little mixed up. Do you all mind if I start again?

I’m not sure many of you have heard, but controversy struck the Video Music Awards (MTV used to stand for “Music Television” and it used to show “Music Videos” but that was back before we discovered that there could be drama wrung out of teenagers getting pregnant) when Andrew Dice Clay, a controversial comic, got on the mic and actually started spewing some of his act while... 1989, eh?

Hold on, let me try one more time.

I’m not sure many of you have heard, but controversy struck the Video Music Awards (Videos were like Youtube Clips, but you couldn’t open another window while the commercial was playing) when aging pop star Madonna kissed Britney Spears and Christina... 2003, hmmm? Maybe I’ll just move ahead.

Like anyone over the target age of 25, the little chip in my hand has stopped glowing red and I await the moment I’m harvested for organs so the younger generation can live, so I’m not really MTV’s target audience. I’m ok with that. We grew up together, I got to enjoy some things. So, when MTV held their annual, “What controversies can artists stir up to garner magazine covers", I decided to watch the previous weeks’ Breaking Bad so I could look for clues as to Walt’s fate. Turns out, the episode held nothing, so I opened my laptop to look for good deals on Green Lantern rings only to discover that at 20 year old woman danced sexy while backed up by dancers holding up some teddy bears and a guy who stole his look from a Tim Burton film. 

And the internet exploded.

I wasn’t going to write about anything involving Miley Cyrus, mostly because I don’t care about Miley Cyrus. I don’t mean that in a mean way. I’m sure if you’re a fan you enjoy her singing or the pictures of her wearing next to nothing that come up when you are trying to Google “Miley Cyrus at the VMA’s”. If anyone looks at my browser history, I was just doing research. Also, I was also researching a future Bad Shakespeare if you come across “Sexy Mermaids.” But I just mean that I have no opinion on Miley Cyrus.

But then, I continued to see not just articles about it, or the 50 year old “news” anchors trying to explain “twerking” to a befuddled audience that just wanted the show to end so they could watch “The Wheel.” I still wanted to ignore it, and was able to. But then.. oh, my, then the “Letter to...” articles started. You know the ones. “An Open Letter to Miley Cyrus.” (We love you, you don’t have to be sexy.) “An Open Letter to my Daughter.” (Don’t be like Miley Cyrus.) “An Open Letter to Robin Thicke.” “An Open Letter to my Son.” I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before we see an open letter to Justin Timberlake on why he let this happen.

(Side note: This was supposed to be *NSYNC’s night, people! Stop tearing it away from them!)

These got me so mad because they are doing the exact opposite of what they want to do. That sentence was confusing. I ‘splain. No... that will take too long. I sum up. (Princess Bride references. If we’re going back to the 80’s, I get to make a Princess Bride Reference.) Here’s what happened: Miley Cyrus saw that she was performing with Robin Thicke, who’s got a great song out right now. Miley Cyrus wanted to capitalize on that, and she realized she would have to do something to top the many, many, many other performers that were performing that night, including *NSYNC, who’s... not really a reunion as much as a cameo with the real star... was making headlines back when the idea was being released by some marketing person to see what kind of buzz it would get. Then Miley realized she could just show up in her underwear, twerk, stick her tongue out, then everyone would be doing what they’re doing right now: Freaking the hell out. (I swore, but only to generate controversy and gain more readers.)

Everyone... calm down.

Had everyone taken the “calm” route and allowed this to pass, it’d be over. And don’t blame the media. I hate to hit all of you with this news flash, but the media, which doesn’t report the news out of the good of its heart but rather to make money, will follow the story that gains interest. And when I see someone who’s so insecure that the daughters of the world are getting too much interest because everyone is warning Miley Cyrus to behave so they write an op-ed for their future son about Robin Thicke, who’s one crime really was showing up dressed like Beetlejuice, obviously that was the story that went on to gain interest. (which one had to go home and change... I’m guessing the Michael Keaton character that doesn’t exist) (I obviously had more issues with how he dressed. I mean.. come on. It’s 2013.) 

Look, Miley Cyrus good or bad, Miley Cyrus did it for the publicity. Love it or hate it, these reactions, dissections, and countless articles being blasted all over social media for the past week and a half are exactly what she wants. Yes, I do realize the irony of writing a blog post over the furor that draws more attention, but that’s a whole chicken/egg thing that I don’t want to get into right now.

You want to end all of this? Stop paying attention. Stop feeding the monster. When the next former Disney Starlet dances in her underwear, taking attention from the big One Direction Reunion featuring Prime Minister Harry Styles in 2026, don’t pay attention. You don’t have to teach your kids a lesson by screaming “STOP!” at the top of your lungs and making a big deal out of it. Because here’s what happens, the kids don’t really care about the things DON’T make a big deal of. They care that they’ll see the big reaction and the attention you give to say, a woman wearing a dress out of raw meat. How about you shut it off the television and say, “all done” then walk away. If they ask about it, you laugh it off and say, “yeah... it’s funny what people will do for attention” then go read a book or something. Don’t make a big deal out of it. If you hate it, that’s how you stop it.

At leas let's stop before one of these news anchors decides to get up and try showing us what twerking... oops, no, someone already did. I can't unsee this. I blame you, Beetlejuice!

All About Controversy!

Like many other people, one of my first forays into science fiction was the extremely classic Ender’s Game. For those who haven’t read it, you probably should. It’s about a young boy who is trained to help stop an insect-alien invasion of Earth. (Which is different than Starship Troopers, trust me, but when Earth really meets a race of insects that’s peaceful, they’re going to take one look at our literature and we’re going to be pretty screwed.)

Of course, if you’ve been following anything about this movie, you know that the writer, Orson Scott Card is... well, let’s just say passionate in his defense of a political view that’s opposite of a lot of people’s including mine. Basically Card believes that gay people shouldn’t be allowed to get married. (That’s the nice way of putting it. He believes a lot of things I’m not going to post here.) While personally, I don’t care what anyone does because I’m too busy leading my own life to really focus too much on what someone else who means no harm is doing.

But of course, that has launched the giant debate: should we ignore all of Card’s work because of this belief?

The thing is, I don’t think we should be ignoring his work because of this. I think we need to keep an artist’s work separate from their beliefs.*

Ender’s Game is good science fiction. I read it well before I knew anything about Orson Scott Card. (I read it in the days when Google was not widely available or yet invented, so you couldn’t plunk down the name of someone and learn everything about them in mere seconds.) So, I’ve read the information. I checked the book out of the library (so I guess I screwed him out of the commission... take that, I guess?) and even though I find Orson Scott Card the man a reprehensible, I find the writer very good.

Last year the CEO of Chick-Fil-A said some similar things, and the outrage was huge on both sides. “How dare he say that!” one side said. “He has ever right!” the other said. “Hey, I own a restaurant and I want as many people as possible to shop there so I’m going to keep my mouth shut about things like this!” no one thought of saying. But people attempted to organize a mass boycott of Chick-Fil-A while another group attempted to organize a mass buy of greasy chicken nuggets, just like it says to do in the Bible. (Right after gluttony is a sin, I guess?) But I remember one comment that came down then, and I apologize to the comedian that said it (Google has failed me!) but they said something along the lines of “I drove around for four hours looking for a place that supported my political views for lunch.” 

It’s a movie. It’s a book. It’s not two hours of Orson Scott Card screaming about his political views on gay marriage. Like I said, it exposes some deep anti-Insect Alien propaganda, but he’s hardly the first. (I however, welcome our alien overlords, whether they be insect, lizard, cat, or some other crazy thing. Please don’t be alien robot, though. That crosses the line.) Also, I read the book, what do I do now, get one of those Men in Black flashy brainy thingies to erase my memory? Because I tried after going to see the Last Airbender, and those things are expensive.

Again, I’m not saying that I respect anything this man says. I think what he said was horrible. But he’s one of a billion and a half people that has worked on this movie. Do I boycott Harrison Ford, Han Solo himself who actually spoke out saying that People like Orson Scott Card have lost? Do I boycott Assistant Gaffer Frank Cunningham who just wanted to make a movie? Do I boycott my teenage dream of seeing this movie put up on the screen, albeit starring Chris O’Donnell who was the greatest actor of my generation apparently?

The Orson Scott Card situation is an extreme example, of course. It’s an example of someone that got in front of a camera and said his beliefs (which I can respect, even if I think he has his head up his ass) and they happen to be terrible beliefs. For other examples of extreme “should we boycott” also see Polanski, Roman, who’s The Scottish Play, which again I saw before I knew who he was and had access to his crimes,  (damnit, Google, why weren’t you invented sooner?) was one of the defining moments in my understanding and loving Shakespeare. I can’t imagine a world where I haven’t seen his Macbeth... it came along at the right time, at the right moment for me to hit on Shakespeare. I didn’t know who he was, or what he’d done. What he did was terrible. What he created changed the course of my life.

We have to separate the art from the artist. Do you really want to dig deep into your book/art/movie collection to see what everyone has said and done and boycott them for it? If you dig deep enough, you’re going to find a reason to boycott everything. Ender’s Game is not Orson Scott Card’s anti-gay screed. It’s a violent science fiction book. That looks like a great movie.