Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Hey... Everyone... I'm doing Something Controversial! Pay Attention to Me!

Pictured above: Beetlejuice with a graduate of the "Hey look at me, i'm Edgy!!" School of Getting People to Notice You.

I’m not sure many of you have heard, but controversy struck the Video Music Awards (For those of you who don’t remember, at one time, MTV played music videos. Now they pick from what they’ve seen on Youtube like the rest of us) when Madonna, clad in a wedding dress, writhed on stage while performing “Like a Virgin” signaling the downfall of humanity itself... what? 1984?

Sorry, sometimes when I try to write something, I get a little mixed up. Do you all mind if I start again?

I’m not sure many of you have heard, but controversy struck the Video Music Awards (MTV used to stand for “Music Television” and it used to show “Music Videos” but that was back before we discovered that there could be drama wrung out of teenagers getting pregnant) when Andrew Dice Clay, a controversial comic, got on the mic and actually started spewing some of his act while... 1989, eh?

Hold on, let me try one more time.

I’m not sure many of you have heard, but controversy struck the Video Music Awards (Videos were like Youtube Clips, but you couldn’t open another window while the commercial was playing) when aging pop star Madonna kissed Britney Spears and Christina... 2003, hmmm? Maybe I’ll just move ahead.

Like anyone over the target age of 25, the little chip in my hand has stopped glowing red and I await the moment I’m harvested for organs so the younger generation can live, so I’m not really MTV’s target audience. I’m ok with that. We grew up together, I got to enjoy some things. So, when MTV held their annual, “What controversies can artists stir up to garner magazine covers", I decided to watch the previous weeks’ Breaking Bad so I could look for clues as to Walt’s fate. Turns out, the episode held nothing, so I opened my laptop to look for good deals on Green Lantern rings only to discover that at 20 year old woman danced sexy while backed up by dancers holding up some teddy bears and a guy who stole his look from a Tim Burton film. 

And the internet exploded.

I wasn’t going to write about anything involving Miley Cyrus, mostly because I don’t care about Miley Cyrus. I don’t mean that in a mean way. I’m sure if you’re a fan you enjoy her singing or the pictures of her wearing next to nothing that come up when you are trying to Google “Miley Cyrus at the VMA’s”. If anyone looks at my browser history, I was just doing research. Also, I was also researching a future Bad Shakespeare if you come across “Sexy Mermaids.” But I just mean that I have no opinion on Miley Cyrus.

But then, I continued to see not just articles about it, or the 50 year old “news” anchors trying to explain “twerking” to a befuddled audience that just wanted the show to end so they could watch “The Wheel.” I still wanted to ignore it, and was able to. But then.. oh, my, then the “Letter to...” articles started. You know the ones. “An Open Letter to Miley Cyrus.” (We love you, you don’t have to be sexy.) “An Open Letter to my Daughter.” (Don’t be like Miley Cyrus.) “An Open Letter to Robin Thicke.” “An Open Letter to my Son.” I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before we see an open letter to Justin Timberlake on why he let this happen.

(Side note: This was supposed to be *NSYNC’s night, people! Stop tearing it away from them!)

These got me so mad because they are doing the exact opposite of what they want to do. That sentence was confusing. I ‘splain. No... that will take too long. I sum up. (Princess Bride references. If we’re going back to the 80’s, I get to make a Princess Bride Reference.) Here’s what happened: Miley Cyrus saw that she was performing with Robin Thicke, who’s got a great song out right now. Miley Cyrus wanted to capitalize on that, and she realized she would have to do something to top the many, many, many other performers that were performing that night, including *NSYNC, who’s... not really a reunion as much as a cameo with the real star... was making headlines back when the idea was being released by some marketing person to see what kind of buzz it would get. Then Miley realized she could just show up in her underwear, twerk, stick her tongue out, then everyone would be doing what they’re doing right now: Freaking the hell out. (I swore, but only to generate controversy and gain more readers.)

Everyone... calm down.

Had everyone taken the “calm” route and allowed this to pass, it’d be over. And don’t blame the media. I hate to hit all of you with this news flash, but the media, which doesn’t report the news out of the good of its heart but rather to make money, will follow the story that gains interest. And when I see someone who’s so insecure that the daughters of the world are getting too much interest because everyone is warning Miley Cyrus to behave so they write an op-ed for their future son about Robin Thicke, who’s one crime really was showing up dressed like Beetlejuice, obviously that was the story that went on to gain interest. (which one had to go home and change... I’m guessing the Michael Keaton character that doesn’t exist) (I obviously had more issues with how he dressed. I mean.. come on. It’s 2013.) 

Look, Miley Cyrus good or bad, Miley Cyrus did it for the publicity. Love it or hate it, these reactions, dissections, and countless articles being blasted all over social media for the past week and a half are exactly what she wants. Yes, I do realize the irony of writing a blog post over the furor that draws more attention, but that’s a whole chicken/egg thing that I don’t want to get into right now.

You want to end all of this? Stop paying attention. Stop feeding the monster. When the next former Disney Starlet dances in her underwear, taking attention from the big One Direction Reunion featuring Prime Minister Harry Styles in 2026, don’t pay attention. You don’t have to teach your kids a lesson by screaming “STOP!” at the top of your lungs and making a big deal out of it. Because here’s what happens, the kids don’t really care about the things DON’T make a big deal of. They care that they’ll see the big reaction and the attention you give to say, a woman wearing a dress out of raw meat. How about you shut it off the television and say, “all done” then walk away. If they ask about it, you laugh it off and say, “yeah... it’s funny what people will do for attention” then go read a book or something. Don’t make a big deal out of it. If you hate it, that’s how you stop it.

At leas let's stop before one of these news anchors decides to get up and try showing us what twerking... oops, no, someone already did. I can't unsee this. I blame you, Beetlejuice!

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