Who Ya Gonna Call? (Hint: Not the Internet)

They’re rebooting Ghostbusters. 

I took this news with a certain level of interest, because, as I’ve mentioned before, Ghostbusters was the first movie I remember seeing in the theaters with my father. (Yes… I’m old. We had to ride a dinosaur to get there and then ask a guy swinging his club around to leave.) It introduced me to Bill Murray, which is important - parents, talk to your kids about Bill Murray before they learn about him through Garfield - and it introduced me to the idea that movies don’t have to be serious all the time. Whenever it’s in the theaters because of a special or anniversary, I try to go see it, so, yeah, I love Ghostbusters.

So, I took the news that they were rebooting Ghostbusters with a bit of hesitation. I mean, it’s not only one of my favorites, it’s a classic. I have to admit, they have a pretty good cast, I love Melissa McCarthy (who’s the only one actually signed.. I’ll get to this point in a minute) and I love Kristen Wiig. I have to admit I’m not big on Saturday Night Live so I’m unfamiliar with the other two ladies who have been cast, but as long as they’re funny, I’m willing to give it a shot.

Then I made the biggest mistake in the world. I went online to see what else I could find out about it.

Oops.

Apparently now it’s a hot-button topic. They movie itself is going to ruin childhoods everywhere, it’s stupid, and my personal favorite, if you hate it, then you hate women everywhere because women are starring in it.

So I figured I’d clear a few things up for everyone, because I think I reached my real limit with this particular movie, since I’ve been following the development of Ghostbusters for a while now, way back when it was Ghostbusters 3 and they were going to have to deftly write around Bill Murray being in it or not being in it. 

Let’s start with the “ruining of childhoods”. They’re re-making Ghostbusters, ladies and gentlemen. RE-MAKING. This means that a new set of actors and a new set of writers are going to put on a show, presumably for a certain amount of money. That money is going to cover advertising, the actors salaries, catering…  stuff like that. What it’s not going to cover is buying all the rights to all the Ghostbuster Blu Rays and sending a gestapo-like team to destroy every copy, nor will it fund the conversion of several DeLoreans into Time Machines to go back and replace your precious Dan Akroyd-fueled Ghostbuster memories with that of Melissa McCarthy fueled hijinks. They’ll still exist, but a different version will be out.

It’s really starting to annoy me that the default for these remakes is a “Destroyed childhood” or “destroyed memories.” They’re not taking these memories away, they’re trying to create new ones for new kids… and let’s face it, just because something “new” comes along doesn’t mean what you enjoyed no longer exists. It still does. Bothers you? Don’t go watch it. Stay home. Put in the original Ghostbusters. Or Indiana Jones. Or GI Joe. Or Transformers. Boom. Mind=blown. 

I also want to take a moment to the people out there that were commenting that they already know that this reboot is going to suck. As of right now they have the first draft of a script and really just the one confirmed star: Melissa McCarthy, who quite frankly should be part of any future Ghostbusters. When the announcement broke (those that chose to read the whole thing rather than the headline and burst into a fury of rage, like some nerdy Hulk who’s powers come from no one really knowing who they are.) will know that people are **close** to signing, which means they can change any minute. Hell, even when people are signed up, THAT can change. Colin Firth was the voice of Paddington Bear until six weeks before the movie came out. Things change.

This is another disturbing trend. Before a single frame is shot, people are declaring that once again, something is going to fail despite the fact that time and time again: they’re proven wrong. Right now, not a single piece of footage exists of Ghostbusters: The reboot. Not one special effect is out there. Right now it’s a star, first draft of a script, and a dream. Chill out. To be honest, I was much more worried by the mythical Ghostbusters 3 script that was constantly being changed. Although that one was rumored to have Jack Black attached, and that would have ruled.

Now, the final, more delicate piece of information… the feminist issue. Can we not turn everything into a culture war issue? I wrote all above about how people need to calm down about the upcoming movie that doesn’t exist yet, but people are turning this into a feminist issue and trying to say how everyone who dislikes the idea must somehow hate women. Let’s break it down for a second.

“I don’t want to see the new Ghostbusters because I loved the original and I don’t think this will be as good.” Probably means that they don’t want to see the new Ghostbusters because they loved the original, and they don’t think this one will be as good. Maybe they’re Ernie Hudson fans. Maybe they get confused with the new technology that makes ghosts look real. Who knows? Life is hard. Why read more into things than there needs to be? Don’t get mad at this guy.

“Women Ghostbusters? What if their boobs get in the way when they’re fighting ghosts? How will they hold the trap with them long fingernails” The person saying this probably doesn’t like women very much. Get mad at this person.

But no matter what, everyone needs to chill out about yet another Hollywood remake. I would have liked to have seen the original guys… as many as who were left… put on the packs one more time to bust some ghosts and possibly make up a little for Ghostbusters 2. Everyone remember Ghostbusters 2? Yeah… let’s be grateful we’re not getting that again. That being said, I’m kind of looking forward to what the next one has in store. Could be great. But then, if it’s not, I’m going pop in my copy of the old version, and hum along to the theme song for the 900th time. 

Everyone… just relax. 

An Original Movie...

There’s this really cool new thing that people do when a new movie is announced or a trailer comes out or something. They rush to their Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, MySpace, text, or emerge from their dens, mole-like to announce that the movie they just heard about is just a remake of something or a sequel, then bemoan the total lack of original ideas emerging from Hollywood. It’s a totally original argument, and don’t worry, you’re the first person to have made that observation, and no one has ever made it before.

I’m going to get the most obvious thing out of the way, mostly that the biggest movies of the summer thus far have been sequels, remakes, or in one case a sequel to a remake, while the original movies are buried in arthouses because everyone except the snobbiest of art snobs refuses to see them. Seriously, you’ve got a million people in line to see Fast and the Furious 15: Just the Rock Running from Explosions in Slow Motion, but we’re going to bemoan how everyone is sick of sequels and remakes. Yeah, right.

It’s too bad that remakes have existed since the dawn of time. (There’s a strong theory that I just made up that says the Earth in fact, is just a remake of an earlier Earth that didn’t include any Kardashians. God just put them here to shake things up for a bit. I’m not one to doubt the Almighty, but that was a bad call.) But humans have been remaking things since the first actor broke free from the Greek Chorus, realized he needed something to turn into popular entertainment, and some 40 year old guy in the audience (that’s like, 70 in today’s age) who just said, “meh. The cave paintings were better.”

I like to keep repeating this phrase: Shakespeare stole almost everything he ever wrote. Hamlet, Midsummer Night’s Dream, the unmentionable Scottish Play (which was actually stolen from history to suck up to the new boss, failed miserably), Romeo and Juliet... it’s likely that the only original Shakespeare Play that came just from the Bard’s memory was The Tempest, and that was all about how the world didn’t really need him.

Let’s even look at the latest from Johnny Depp, The Lone Ranger which is currently sinking like a stone tied to a bunch of heavier stones at the box office as I write this. “It’s a remake!” You screech as you hold up your cross and slink towards the light of an indie film that’s a coming of age story that’s been told a billion times but the twist this time is that the young protagonist has a complicated relationship with his mother instead of his father. “They should have left the old TV Show alone!” I’m just curious if you mean that old TV show that was taken from the radio show.

That sound. That sound of your jaw hitting your desk. That’s the sound of me, dropping the mic. I’d walk away if I didn’t have more to say.

Let’s not go back to Shakespeare, but let’s bring the time machine forward to the golden age of Hollywood when scandal meant an actress showed a little too much ankle at her latest film release, and the internet was called “newspapers.” (We’re so much more enlightened. Who was wearing a thong this week? Let me just google and check.) Early film and television (called “Glowing Soul Boxes” back then) needed content, where did they turn? They turned to books, plays, and anywhere else they can get the content needed to turn your eyes to the glowing rectangle in front of you. And what you knew to that point was that Tennessee Williams was getting some buzz in this whole play thing, let’s see how it translated to radio waves. Hey, kids parked themselves in front of the radio to imagine a world of cowboys and indians, how are they going to react when they can see the gunfire RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEIR EYES. It was a brave new world.

Look, I’m not saying the dearth of sequels and remakes isn’t sad-making. Unless that sequel is Serenity 2. There are literally millions of good ideas out there that are getting buried by yet another sequel or remake of the reboot. Like a story about a group of space-cowboys who fly around fighting the establishment. Just sayin’. But the problem is that people continue to complain about a problem that:

1. isn’t really a “problem” per se... if you like the movie, and you want to spend more time with them, then go see the movie again. Apparently a lot of people are doing that.
2. has existed since before the dawn of the medium. We’re constantly remaking or sequeling something so we can try to find a new interpretation. (which is why people complained about Man of Steel being too “dark” despite the fact that Superman believed the best in everyone. It was a reinterpretation.)
3. could easily be solved by going to see original movies, TV shows, etc, but people are too frightened by new things to check out these original things. Why roll the dice on a truly quirky movie like John Dies at the End when you can roll yourself up in a warm comfortable blanket of Generic Action Movie #76.

This debate will continue to rage as long as they’re making movies. It will rage while they’re beaming the stories directly to our brains starring any actor we want. (I’m looking forward to the all Nic Cage version of Much Ado About Nothing.) But if you’re going to continue to complain about remakes or sequels, then go seek out something unique. It’s out there if you can look. I personally don’t mind, I’m looking forward to Die Hard 90: Just Bruce Willis Yelling Catchphrases. Because I know that the reboot and sequel is a rich part of our cultural history.

And Joss, seriously, call me when you want to start up on Serenity 2.