Bless Us, Oh Cage for a Wonderful Good Bad Movie Season

           Well, it’s that time of year. The Christmas Decorations are either down or staying up until they become a glorious reminder of Easter. Holiday Sales are slowly morphing into a reminder that Valentine’s Day is the next Holiday you have to look forward to, and that doesn’t come with days off.  Star Wars: The Force Awakens has blessed our screens and will continue to do so up until Episode VIII at this point. And sadly, movies switch from their high profile Oscar bait to… well, let’s just say, “the rest.”

            Yes, it’s time for Good Bad Movie Season, and our Protector over this particular season, St. Nicolas Cage. For who knows better than how to make a bad movie better than the King of all bad movies, Nicolas Cage. And I say that affectionately. He is the King, in so many ways.

            Prestige Season is always a little bittersweet for me. On the one hand, a lot of good movies come out. On the other, I tend to avoid them so I can give you a fresh perspective during the Oscar Movie Marathon coming up in February, and yes, Bad Shakespeare and Crew will be there in all of our glory. So I don’t have a lot of superlatives. Hunger Games was a little disappointing. Star Wars was amazing. So was Creed. Spectre was pretty cool, if you like throwbacks and thought experiments where the movie that was being parodied stole from the parody. Crimson Peak was chock full of Tom Hiddleston and ghostly goodness. And Jessica Chastain totally nailed the fourteen or so movies she was in.

            Anyway, it is time once again for us to bow our heads and say a little prayer to St. Nicolas Cage so he blesses us with a good Good Bad Movie season, and I have to tell you, it looks awesome, between Deadpool, Batman v. Superman, and Kung Fu Panda. But, time will tell, as it holds us over between our last awesome movie, and Captain America: Civil War.

            Let’s begin.

Bless us oh, Cage,

For these they gifts we are about to receive

Including straight from the page

Of Pride and Prejudice… and Zombies

Let us not forget about Pandas so Jolly

That will be hilarious and you

Will help us laugh at his folly

As we enjoy the antics of a Panda doing Kung Fu

After his last movie

In which he was replaced with a fool

Ryan Reynolds will gift us

With the character of Deadpool

One is faster than a speeding bullet

The other is dressed like a bat

But together they’ll fight

Batman v. Superman is where it’s at

We’re also gifted with a few Oscar Holdovers

Leo fights bears in the Revenant

The Finest Hours has us looking for cover

With those Ride Along 2 can join us--- Cage sent

Let us not forget the other movies that have been dumped

Zac Effron and Robert DeNiro

The theater we will jump

And Jane Got a Gun… moved from twenty one zero

There will be movies for Adults Young

With the Allegiant and Fifth Wave

And London will Fall in a sequel to be hung

And with a new city for Gerard Butler to save

There’s also Zootopia

But don’t ask Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

It’s an animated hoopla

The other is with Tina Fey – she’s hot.

Tom Hiddleston will sing with a country twang

The Huntsman will war, without Snow White

The Rings will scare us with tooth and fang

And Melissa McCarthy is the Boss – A comedy out of sight

There are so many others, I can’t fit in here

But Cage bless those with the power you send

As I go off to get more beer

And may this Good Bad Movie Season can wrap up… Amen.

            There you go! Your thrice annual reminder that I’m not really a poet, but I enjoy myself. How many of those movies will I end up getting to? Hopefully a good chunk, so I can report back before… SUMMER MOVIE SEASON gets into full swing! We’re only four months away!

Bad Shakespeare's Movie of the Year

Can you smell it in the air, everyone? It’s that magical time of year, when all of the lights are up, everyone puts on their finest outfit, and all of the movies and TV shows start announcing their big awards for the end of the year, somehow three weeks before the actual end of the year. That’s right, go ahead and announce best movie of the year before The Interview comes out. James Franco is the man, and may be an acting god. Just throwing that out there.

Now I’m not a professional film critic. Thank God I haven’t dulled my love of movies to the point that I’m calling out all the flaws in a movie as awesome as Let’s Be Cops. But, as you loyal readers know, I do love me some movies, and I’ve spent a good portion of this year when I’m not busy activating my awesome Grad School Powers in the movies. I love them so much I took a class in Film Theory, which taught me to embrace my love of the bad movie as the very first film we watched was Cat People, and it was just that a 1942 horror film about a woman that turned in to a panther when she was sexually aroused but since it was 1942 they couldn’t say “sexually aroused” but come on we all knew what it meant.

And, yes, there are a few more movies have to see this year, including the aforementioned The Interview, and let’s not forget that there’s a certain movie about a Hobbit learning the very important life lesson to not trust wizards who come knocking smoking a strange pipe. But that being said, I do want to talk about my favorite movie of the year, because despite the fact that I’m going to sit in awe for both The Hobbit: Three More Hours of Dwarf Fighting (They should let me name these things) and The Interview (and Annie if there’s time. There will be time.) I really am ready to announce my movie of the year.

The Movie Gods: Nicolas Cage, Tom Hanks, and Joss Whedon have blessed us with a fantastic year of movies, both the good and the bad. My highlights did include some slackers pretending to be cops and some slacker cops pretending to be slackers. I enjoyed watching the Guardians saving the Galaxy. Spiderman was back in action, and Paul Walker did Parkour. There were Boxtrolls, Dragons, and Bill Murray doing his best St. Vincent impression. Angelina Jolie went evil, Tom Cruise was actually kind of good, and don’t get me started on George Clooney and Matt Damon fighting in World War 2. Or saving stuff. We got inventor dogs and a movie about toys where everything was awesome. However, I have to say, for me, the best film of the year was…

Birdman (or The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance).

I wanted to find some obscure movie, or look back at some unappreciated gem like Wish I Was Here (everyone hop off the Zach Braff hate train. It’s ok to like him) or the November Man or look at something I disliked like Tammy or Snowpiercer and try to find the good in discovering it’s actually awesome. But I have to go with the movie that everyone is talking about. 

For those of you who don’t know, Birdman is about a washed up actor named Riggan Thomson played by Michael Keaton, who once played an iconic superhero named Birdman. After three successful films, he walked away. He wants to relaunch his career by writing, directing, and starring in his own play. 

I wasn’t prepared to like the movie as much as I did. I heard about the gimmick: the movie looks like it’s all shot one one take with the camera following the actors and the cuts hidden (some in pretty obvious ways, such as time lapse footage, etc.) But I don’t know. It just stuck with me in a way that no other movie did this year.

First, there’s the acting, which is flat out incredible from everyone involved, from Michael Keaton slowly unraveling while doing voiceovers not in his voice, but in the rumbly growl of Birdman’s. Edward Norton plays an egotistical actor (ahem, insert the “not much of a stretch” joke here…) and Emma Stone plays his daughter, assistant, and only real advocate as he slowly loses his mind. 

I really liked the casting of Norton and Stone, particularly because of their involvement in other successful Superhero franchises. Norton walked away from his and Emma… well, she was sorta killed off like everyone knew she was going to after she was cast as one of the most famous homicide victims of all time. It was particularly interesting for her to have her blonde hair leftover from her Gwen Stacy role. I’m not sure if that was a directing or acting choice, but it really pointed to her previous role.

Yes, then there’s the ultra meta story about an actor leaving behind a multi-billion dollar franchise to star in a smaller comeback role that is starring a guy who walked away from a multi-billion dollar franchise and is now starring in a smaller comeback role. It also means his only role this year wasn’t in the Robocop remake. Again, another blockbuster that he could have starred in, he was overshadowed by the fact that the movie didn’t do very well, and now he’s in a smaller role. This is punctuated by the big action sequence that goes on in his head that feels jarringly out of place in an otherwise quiet movie, but is totally necessary. 

I also like the darkness of the storyline. At it’s core, it’s about a man who is trying to walk away from something that he loves, but is also unravelling. He’s desperately trying to cling onto what he loves, and not by taking the easy way out, either. In the narrative of the film, he’s turned down the role of Birdman for a fourth time, and this seems to be the first question anyone asks of him. The first time we see him, he appears to be floating in nothing but his underwear, but when the camera returns to him, he’s standing. This is the first instance that this is going to be a movie that messes with you a little bit. 

Everything stands out in this movie, even the gimmicky one shot camera movement. It adds to some of the chaos that is this movie, and even helps add to the confusion. The best sequence is that of Riggan flying over the city after apparently jumping off the building. the camera lands at an angle so we see him walk into the theatre, quickly followed by a cabbie, demanding his money for the ride he was just given. It really helps add to the slow sensation of madness that this movie hopes to invoke. 

I was going to write about this a lot later, but about a million awards shows are coming out and they’re all naming Birdman as one of the best movies of the year, so I pumped up my timeline a little. It needs to win all of these awards. And I’m quite frankly dying to see it again. This is an awesome movie, and one that once you see it, will stay with you for quite a while. I know I talk a lot about movies, some of them good, some of them bad… but this is a must see. 

So, I finally watched Snowpiercer...

Pictured: a man living off bugs for 17 years in a revolt that's supposed to be taking place in a tiny space. 

This past summer, I watched 42 movies. I even ranked them, sorta, talking about which ones I loved, like Let’s Be Cops or 22 Jump Street, or which ones should be burned, ashes buried, and all memory deleted lest aliens one day see them and judge us on them. Tammy. Transformers 4, because I refuse to call it Trans4mers. Heh. I guess that is kind of clever.

Throughout this movie odyssey in the summer, one movie kept coming up. “Hey, I’m glad you enjoyed Fault in Our Stars… have you seen Snowpiercer?” “OMG SNOWPIERCER FTW!” “Hey…. hey…. hey… Snowpiercer…” Even critics were like “Here we go, the BEST movie crafted is now Snowpiercer! Why aren’t you watching it?” Everywhere I turned recommended this movie to me, and told me I should be watching it. I was kind of excited. 

I didn’t actively avoid the movie. It has a lot of elements I really like. Sci-fi stuff. Post-apocalyptic societies. Trains. Captain America, somehow playing a dude who has been starving for 17 years but is somehow gorgeous. John Hurt doing his best Gandalf/Dumbledor/insert name of wise old character here. It was supposedly this awesome class/environmental/religious allegory with some beautifully shot sequences. 

But I didn’t get around to seeing it. To be honest with you, it was only playing at one theater that wasn’t my usual theater, and on in-demand and the whole criteria for me going to see the movie was that it be on the big screen, small screen was cheating just for my purposes. As much as I wanted to see it, I didn’t.

And after finally having had seen it, I’m kind of glad I didn’t, only because my post that had the movies I disliked already had 6 entries, and I would feel bad not being able to include one of those because this was on it. In other words, let Zoidberg tell you how you should feel about this movie.

I hated it. I couldn’t hate it any more. It wasn’t a genre-savvy satire of class structure and religion gone wrong. It was a two hour mess that made no sense, beat the viewer over the head for two hours with half-formed metaphors, and made no damn sense. 

Unfortunately, this puts me in the minority, one that gleefully points out that I enjoyed Damon Wayans, Jr and that other guy from New Girl (Jake Johnson) pretend to be cops in a series of wacky misadventures as if that matters. let me make it a bit clearer for you: Let’s Be Cops was clearly never going to be the best movie of the year. It wasn’t the funniest movie of the year. I don’t really think it was the funniest movie in the theaters that day. Damon Wayans, Jr, as much as I love him, will never be clutching an Oscar for his role as the lovable sidekick in that movie. But it was pretty well put together, and delivered on every promise that the trailer or reviews made. I had fun, and even if I can point out the many flaws, I still enjoyed the movie.

Snowpiercer wasn’t really marketed as “just an action movie” or “just a science fiction movie” or “just a movie about trains.” It was marketed about a mind-bending science fiction movie, then the hype furthered as it was the PERFECT ALLEGORY ABOUT CLASS! THE PERFECT ALLEGORY ABOUT RELIGION! THE PERFECT ALLEGORY ABOUT CORRUPT GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS.

For those of you who haven’t wasted your two hours, it is about a train called Snowpiercer that travels the globe following a catastrophic weather event to counteract global warming that has frozen the Earth. The train has set up a class system that is supposed to be complex but isn’t really: the poor live crammed in the caboose while the rich live in luxury (?) in the front of the train. The passengers in the tail room have decided to revolt, much like some other people revolt a few years ago, and seize the perpetual motion engine that runs the train. 

Spoiler warning: And it turns out that the whole revolt was a plot between John Hurt’s character, Gilliam, (who had some hand in building the train - don’t worry, they won’t explain what) and Ed Harris’ Wilford to thin out the population and thus resources, even though no resources are really being used to keep the tail section alive other than some bugs, and they don’t really provide anything other than kids to keep parts of the train running, although this is a new development. Also they may want Chris Evans’ Curtis character to run the train, but that may have been a ruse or something, and talking to him about it was out of the question for some reason. Did I cover everything? Oh, yes, and there’s a chance that the outside world is livable again. Our only shot about that was a Polar Bear, and there’s a good chance that the new bags of not readily available meat emerging from the broken train at the end were about to become food. 

Let’s start with the plot, which is this revolt that runs from the tail engine to “thin the herd.” The front engine people, who emerge as comic characters - thus negating the entire sense of despair and seriousness the first 10 minutes spend setting up - have such control over the characters in the tail end that they are able to burst in and shove a man’s arm out of an open window long enough for it to break off, because they find the wrong pair of shoes in his room. Again, after setting up this terrible environment, this entire moment is played off as a comedic scene. But they have this control… for what? If the plan is to thin out the herd, why go through every death in the movie when they could just slaughter the tail engine and throw them out the nearest window? Oh, wait… they do that, just after they’ve fought and managed to kill a pregnant woman, among hundreds of faceless thugs, in a moment that doesn’t really understand the way claustrophobic scenes are shot. the battle scenes in Braveheart are more claustrophobic than this.

Then there’s the ALLEGORY… THE TAIL END IS THE POOR PEOPLE, and THE RICH PEOPLE ARE UP FRONT and Willford IS GOD. Don’t worry. Not only will they not spend any time with this, but they’ll also not show you too many other rich people, except for a strange rave scene, and the kids of the rich people who are busy learning things. You’ll spend time with some of the officials, but again, they’re all zany, over the top, clowns. I get that some people did this intentionally, but this completely undercuts everything that was said. 

But with the poor people vs. the rich… that only works if we spend time with the rich people. But we don’t see any of them. We don’t how they live, except they get eggs on New Years… time isn’t really celebrated, as kids are in school AS THE NEW YEAR HITS. They have sushi once a year, in a scene that describes the concept of the movie for anyone who may have missed it when it gets repeated at the end. And a strange rave scene that’s comes back more as a zombie movie than anything else. But we dont’ see any living quarters, or anything else. There’s a kitchen that implies they have lots of food, but no cattle car or anything like that. 

There’s also zero world building in this. Yes, I know, some will argue, but see the point above bout the kids being in school with New Years It’s enough to make everyone stop what they’re doing any pay attention. It’s enough for people to get eggs. People are able to see and recognize their favorite spots, that they see once a year, but this is frustratingly vague. One character comments that he’s seen a spot slowly melting, despite the fact that he was locked in a closet for a good portion of the journey.

This is also a frustrating moment, because in the school we get a harrowing tale about the previous revolt -  the pregnant teacher who treats Wilford like a God points out that seven people tried to leave, and shows us their frozen, visible bodies from the train. Then two minutes later one of the nameless bad guys, having just revealed that all of the guns do in, fact, have bullets (there was a question as to whether all the bullets were used in the last revolt…. don’t worry, they weren’t) Then proceeds to try to shoot the government sanctioned revolt leader (Curtis) through the windows of the train.

The outside is dangerous! Let’s destroy the windows! Especially because we WANT to kill everyone in the revolt already. Never mind that we can just shoot the people we don’t need and dump their bodies out in the cold with no consequence, let’s have cool ninja type fight scenes. 

I could go on. The tone shifts wildly. We don’t get enough time with the allegories to get a real clear message. The ending is just so moronic (everyone dies. Except two people. Also, Curtis loses his arm, because it turns out he wanted to eat a baby, but Gilliam cut off HIS arm to feed Curtis. That baby was his best friend, who ended up dying several scenes earlier.) The movie itself almost plays out like a parody of thought-provoking science fiction dramas. Maybe I would have enjoyed it more had I treated it like that, instead of the great movie it was supposed to be. 

Again, this puts me in the minority, who will point out (and already have) pointed out that I liked other movies, so I guess it disqualifies (?) me from having an opinion on this movie that runs contrary of the pack. But, and I won’t even do the fake “I’m sorry”… I did not enjoy this movie. It was not a good movie. It wasn’t even a good stupid movie, like about half the movies I spend time rewatching. It was a punishing experience, made worse by the fact that it was supposedly this great movie that I was “supposed” to like. 

Summer 2014 Movie Wrap Up: The Not So Good Movies...

Today, as we look back at the Summer Movie Season that was, we need to address those movies that didn’t quite live up to expectations. 

Every year when Summer Movie Season ends, there’s always the doom and gloom articles about how movies didn’t make as much money, or how they weren’t as good as last year’s movies (which the same website/blog/news/critic/whatever said sucked anyway) or how we’re living in an endless loop of reboots, adaptations, and sequels, forgetting that most movies are reboots, adaptations, or sequels, and have been since the dawn of time. For the most part, they do what they’re supposed to do: entertain us. 

I’ve said before, I usually find summer movies the most entertaining, because they aren’t geared for an audience of several stuffy auteurs who pick which films are going to be the “best” based on some criteria we’ll never know. How 90 minutes of Sandra Bullock screaming was one of the best pictures of the year because they managed to film in the same 3-D that Michael Bay has been using for years is beyond me. 

Regardless, with any movie season, you’re going to get the worst. Why are they bad? Maybe things didn’t quite gel when they started putting everything together. Maybe something was lost in the script, or maybe the director’s original version has been hacked to death by studio or actor interference. Or maybe no one did research to see what a turtle actually looked like. Who knows. Here is my list of my six biggest disappointments of Summer 2014.

Note: It was going to be five, but I had a lot of hate to go around this year. I’m starting with the best of he worst, then moving my way down.

6. Tammy. I love Melissa McCarthy. I’ve loved Melissa McCarthy ever since she was Sookie on Gilmore Girls. (Which featured a lot less nudity and a lot less campy vampires than the other Sookie.) I remember seeing the trailers for Tammy and I was laughing, prepared for a lighthearted road trip comedy from Melissa McCarthy. 

Nope. This probably would have been one of the greatest dramas of the year, probably Oscar worthy (without Sandra Bullock screaming for 90 minutes) if it had been left alone, and marketed not on the comedic value of McCarthy, but rather the fact that she can act and she can do drama. Instead we got a jumbled mess of a movie that wasn’t really sure what it wanted to say. It wasn’t really a comedy. It wasn’t really a drama. It wasn’t really one of those in-between things like Gilmore Girls. It just sort of… was. And it was uncomfortable. 

There were some good moments. But they ensured that every dramatic or comedic moment was undercut with some kind of uncomfortable moment where you weren’t sure if you were supposed to laugh or walk out of the theater. 

5. The Purge: Anarchy. The Purge makes for an interesting concept. Once a year, Americans are allowed to get out all of their violent influences by being able to break any law, with the exception of killing certain people. Some people make it into a game. Some people roam the streets. Just about everyone treats it as a new religion. Anarchy takes it to an interesting new level by having a father (I didn’t catch his name, but it matched his personality) decide he was going to avenge his son, who was killed by a drunk driver. He decides to wait patiently until the Purge so it’s nice and legal, because rage can be quelled for that long. 

However, once again we have a jumble of missed opportunities and “We’re doing a sequelitis” which works for Muppets but not so much for horror/drama/thrillers like Anarchy. And I don’t mean, “We’re making a sequel so we have to do this,” I mean “enjoy this one, because we’re going to be making about fifty more of these and we’re not going to explain things.” 

You see, as it’s explained a few times if you can’t pick up on it, the Purge itself is a secretish Government plot to get rid of the poor people which brings down crime and poverty. Even though there’s still a lot of people living in poverty, because we meet two of them when they’re forcefully dragged from their homes and saved by the dude going to avenge his son. He took his time out of revenging to save some people. 

It turns out, they were dragged from their home and were going to be murdered… (spoilers) by the Government! Because the Purge wasn’t killing enough people. You learn this in the last five seconds of the movie, shortly before the siren sounds and everyone puts up their weapons because psychopaths that wish to murder and torture people, would totally do that, and not continue for hours on end and claim not to have heard the closing siren.

Oh, and there’s another couple that’s arguing, and they get caught outside during the Purge. Because some street gangs (also working for the Government! Twist!) sabotaged their car so they can hunt and kill two extra people.

Makes total sense, people.

4. Hercules. As we saw with this summer former WWE Champions can make good actors when given the right material. We even saw it with the Rock countless times. So, then… why is he in such a dull and drab movie?

Oh, yeah, because it’s Hercules: behind the scenes! You see, kids, Hercules, wasn’t the son of a god and great warrior, he was just a great warrior with some fancy stories behind him that wore a lion pelt to strike fear into the hearts of his enemies. And the good guys, I guess?

Because everyone wants to tune into a Hercules movie to NOT see him be Hercules. We just want to see a regular guy, fighting an army with the least convincing crew of warriors, ever. Also, ones that don’t do basic research, based on… well… everything. Also, they didn’t let the Rock be the Rock. He wasn’t his charming self. He was a dude with a permascowl and of course, a “heavy backstory” freshly stolen from God of War. (Yes, I know that this is based on a book that came first. But still… freshen it up a little.) It’s just Hercules without the fun and magic, and we already got that earlier this year.

3. A Million Ways to Die in the West. I like Seth McFarlane. I like his jazz album, I love Family Guy, American Dad, there were even a few minutes of the Cleveland Show that were amusing. I loved Ted, even if people are trying to claim that a foul mouthed teddy bear was such an original idea it was only there’s so they have to sue him. The second I saw the Doc Brown cameo in the trailers, I really, really, really wanted to love this movie. It had Liam Neeson in a comedy role! Charlize Theron! Even Neil Patrick Harris as the owner of a “mustachery”. A professional place for mustaches! How could this not be funny?

Let a Million Ways to Die in the West show you how… 

How can you have a musical number about mustaches in a Western, and let anyone other than Neil Patrick Harris sing it? Also, I don’t mind some gross out humor but let’s pull it back a little. It’s not enough to show sheep urinating on a guy, but he has to hallucinate about it later, with a song and dance number. Also, NPH with the hat… seriously? It’s too gross to even show.

The thing was, it could have been a really funny movie. The cameos were spot on, and kind of hilarious. It did have some good jokes about a guy that really didn’t want to live on the frontier, and about how living there for some would actually kind of suck. But then they had to ruin so many good opportunities. 

Seth McFarlane just needs someone on the set to say, “hey… let’s pull it back just a little bit.” 

For the sheer reason that so many opportunities were missed in what could have been a great comedy movie, perhaps the funnies of the summer, this was going to be my worst movie of the summer. But then… Michael Bay Happened.

2. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Back when this was first being made, there were rumors. Rumblings, if you will. The “Teenage” part was taken out of it. Maybe they were going to be aliens. No, the magic ooze that turned them into Ninja Turtles was going to be alien. 

Any of that would have been better than what we got.

Step one when adapting anything like this that’s been around since the 1980’s and has a rabid fan base is to realize you won’t be able to put your trademark stamp on it. It’s also to realize that maybe you should watch an episode or two of the series… any of the series… or maybe pick up the comic book on which it’s based. Then maybe you won’t half-ass the origin story.

Step two, is to actually look at a turtle. Just take a quick look at them and if the countless other comic books, TV Shows, or movies didn’t show you how a mutated turtle in this universe would look, you can at least have an idea of what you think they should look like and have them not look… well, like what we saw.

Step three is to look at how ninjas act… even 7 foot tall mutated turtles, and then not bog them down with heavy machinery and extra jewelry, which hadn’t been on a ninja turtle since… well, ever, really. How did Donatello even move let alone be ninja-y with all that stuff on his back? I’m not talking about the shell.

Then you can start looking at the minor details of a movie, like the “plot” which makes no sense and pretty much wastes William Fincher, one of the creepiest actors of our time who has the ability to make a bad movie good. But not this. Also, the whole Will Arnett-Megan Fox thing came across as kinda creepy, not adorable. 

Keep in mind, this is all from a lifelong Ninja Turtle fan. But as I said before, bonus points for the Arrested Development reference was was very slickly put into one scene. 

And the worst movie of the summer was…

1. Transformers: Age of Extinction. I was so excited when the cast list didn’t include the words Shia or LeBeouf. I was excited when it looked like actual action stars were getting involved. Then I watched you. Oh. Where to start, where to start, where to start?

Should we start with the creepy obsession with scientist/inventor/junkyard owner/farmer/totally not made up name haver Cade Yeager’s (Mark Wahlberg) 17 year old daughter, complete with scene where her boyfriend actually brings out documentation SHOWING that he can legally have sex with her. And shows it. To her father?

Or maybe we go with the time jump of five years, where the Autobots are hunted.. for reasons… because “we’re doing a sequel.” Just not this one. The next one, where you’ll get answers. Also everyone hates the Autobots now, despite the fact that they saved Chicago from getting further destroyed. So it makes total sense that the secret arm of the Government that is above the President would not only team up with another strange robot alien, but would also be actively selling the means to build an army of Transformers that tests showed they can’t control. Logic!

By the way, the events from the last movie have been raised to a 9/11 type event, and we know this from the number of people who had friends and family killed in Chicago, and hate the Autobots - the robots stopping the invasion - because of it.

I think I might start with my usual complaint with these movies, which is… have you seen a human being stand before? Or act? Here’s a little tip: the Transformers, when talking, don’t have to be constantly moving. They can stand still and have a conversation. Like any other living life form. We get that you want to show off your shiny CGI. 

This movie actually managed to make giant robots wailing on each other boring with another extra-long fight scene at the end of the movie. That didn’t. Ever. End. It also did the same thing by having Optimus Prime missing for a large section of it as he ran off to get the robots that turned into dinosaurs so they could make their 10 minute appearance in the movie, get you to be confused with the other robots, and then leave.

The worst part about this movie, and why it’s my least favorite of the summer… is because of what it’s made me. I sound like an old man, yelling at today’s hip movies with their special effects and their CGI’s. I should love this movie, and I realized that there was a part of me that did. But I can’t look past the fact that a 45 minute CGI fight scene was just sooooo long. This is the type of movie we should be enjoying over the summer. This should be number one on everyone’s list, and it’s popularity should have it running well into Christmas. But instead we get nonsensical plot points, creepy daughter interactions, and nothing we were promised in the trailers. 

That’s my wrap up of Summer Movies that were unfortunate. The only other one that I considered including on this list was Sex Tape, but that was more of a waste of Jack Black than anything else. Tomorrow, I’ll be focusing on the Summer Movies that you should have seen… and if you didn’t, you should go see now!

Whedon Be Praised! Another Successful Movie Season!

Every movie I’ve seen this Summer movie Season, laid end to end, with the exception of one. I’m missing the ticket from my second viewing of Man of Steel. If you find it, please contact me.

Sadly, Summer Movie Season has come to a crashing close with Getaway. I did not see it, (yet) but young Disney Starlet Selena Gomez playing a carjacker as Ethan Hawke, Race Car Driver follows the instructions of a personless voice to save his wife practically screams, “GET TO A MOVIE THEATER NOW”. It also screams that it’s the exact opposite of Iron Man 3 in that it will lack some of the “pew-pew explosion pow” that makes it a true Summer Blockbuster. No, I ended the summer with a spectacular friend (it’s the same friend as Mortal Instruments, so I need to come up with new superlatives each time) accompanying me to Closed Circuit, which was actually a decent movie. That starred Rebecca Hall, same as Iron Man 3! Hey, the loops been closed! (It also starred Eric Bana, and I feel I deserve a prize for never once leaning over to my friend and saying, “oooh.. .he’s getting angry in this scene... you wouldn’t like him when he’s angry.)

Summer Movie Season, the bookends. Considerably less men in Iron Suits in last one, but the first one had WAY less wigs worn by lawyers.

Overall, I went to the movie theater 28 separate times this summer. Of course, the number of movies I’ve seen all depends on your math of it all. While I have 28 tickets, I saw six movies twice: Pacific Rim, Star Trek, Man of Steel, Mortal Instruments, and Iron Man 3. Why see them twice? Because they were awesome. Particularly Pacific Rim, which had the dual appeal of giant fighting robots, Charlie Day playing a scientist, AND Idris Elba yelling cool things about stopping the Apocalypse. I swear, I’d watch a movie that was just him screaming things at people. Which was most of this movie. So I guess I did! Twice! Score!

See how sad the one Man of Steel Ticket is without his brother? Also, the size difference between the two theater tickets for some reason?

The Math is further complicated by this little gem: The Cornetto Trilogy! All three movies: Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz, and The World’s End, three fantastic movies on one glorious ticket. And lanyard. And T-Shirt. Unlike some OTHER people that went to a marathon and didn’t get a ticket. (I’m like 90% sure he doesn’t read this blog, so that line may be for naught. But it made me feel better.) The first two were released years ago, and you’ll remember I watched them in the “Thanks Mum” Marathon over July 4th, but watching them in a theater full of... well, people like me... made it that much more worth it. There was line quoting, there were standing ovations, there was a lot of nerd rage at the casting of Ben Affleck as Batman (more on that next week)... but it was an experience. Honestly, one of the best experiences I had this summer at the movies. 

                                                                        I get a lanyard, I get a lanyard...

So.... I’m sure the question you’re asking yourself right now, other than when is he going to show off that sweet shirt, is why do I do it? Why do I go to the movies this many times... 28 times is more than there weeks in summer meaning I doubled up some weeks (Hell, I doubled up some days... swearing again to generate more controversy. Is it working? Do I have to twerk yet?) and more buttered popcorn than it’s probably safe to smell, much less consume? 

I love movies. I love bad ones. I love good ones. I love ones that make you think. I love that for two hours I get to get lost in the world of someone else. I get to get lost in a world that doesn’t exist here. Plus, I get something out of it. Its weird and cliche, but I do learn a little something out of each one, even if it’s that Tatum Channing is funny. Sometimes, it’s deeper than that, like with The World’s End, which was a hilarious movie in it’s own right, but it also had a deeper meaning that I took away, and I want to go watch again. 

There’s also the shared experience. Some people have told me, “hey... don’t go to the movies with someone. Don’t sit in the dark for two hours, you’ll get nothing out of it!” Do them I say boo! BOO, I say! That was redundant. But movies allow you to share a world with a friend. Indeed, I had three friends that accompanied me to the movies this summer (well... we went TOGETHER... but it’s my blog, so it’s my narrative) and I have fun quoting the movies with them, leaning over and making some joke (I’m still ashamed I didn’t make the Hulk joke at the last movie) or sharing that moment that made the movie worthwhile, even if it was the fact that the movie was terrible and we’ll never mention it again, ever. (It was great that they only made two Hangovers, right?)

Anyway, as a way of wrapping up and appeasing the God of Movies, Joss Whedon, I present to you my Summer Movie Season in a Nutshell. 

In Memoriam: The movies I didn’t get to see because they were gone that quickly. We’ll miss you, RIPD (aka Men in Black with Ghosts.) The Lone Ranger could also be described as the only person in the theater, watching you. And Independence Day 2 is looking a lot better to Will Smith right now. But I’ll catch you all on DVD... I’m sorry I don’t have a movie stub for you.

Biggest Surprise: This one is a twofold... The first was that the Great Gatsby was so good. Look, I’m a literature guy, so I was bound to see it. I was surprised by how much I wanted to KEEP watching it, repeatedly. Honestly, had I not seen the last showing, I’d probably go back right away. 

The second big surprise is how much the Hangover 3 suuuuuuuuuccccckkked. Worst movie of the summer, and this is coming from someone who says that John Goodman makes everything better. But they took a funny premise and it was clear that most of the co-stars were just sort of coasting. 

Worst Use of an Accent: Jodi Foster in Elysium. Still not sure what she was supposed to be, actually. Elysium wins a second award this summer for Worst Allegory, which didn’t even try to hide it’s message in the story or the plot, just sort of... told everyone what it was thinking. Which isn’t bad, it was just... disappointing. (90% sure not reading friend, who loved it would disagree.) 

Held Up Their End of the Bargain: I was looking forward to two movies this summer above all others: Man of Steel and Much Ado About Nothing. You know what I wasn’t disappointed in this summer? Man of Steel and Much Ado About Nothing. Loved’em. Can’t even think of something funny to say. Wuzzle Wuzzle? There. That’s you’re funny saying for this post.

Best “Bad” Movie of the Summer: I was surprised more people didn’t enjoy the Olympus has Fallen 2: Die Harder, but I loved it. It was an excellent cheesy throwback to buddy action movies, just one of the buddies happened to be the President, and the other one happened to look better in a while tank top. But the hostages, the betrayal, the James Woods, the action... I think history will be kinder to it. Of course, the Irishman managed to do the same thing without help from the President, so I’m not sure what message it’s sending to our children.

Favorite Movie of the Summer: This... this is something I always play out in my head. This is the moment I look forward to, thinking back and trying to pick out my favorite movie. The thing is I can’t pick based on the movie itself. I just can’t, because of what I mentioned: I don’t just enjoy the movie, it’s the experience. So with that note, I have to go with...

The World’s End.

Hands down, a great movie. The third part of a loose trilogy, so I was saying goodbye (sorta) friends, but I also managed to share it in a setting that will probably never be replicated. It wasn’t just the best movie of the summer, but it was one of my favorite experiences of the summer.

So, that’s it. Say a closing prayer to Joss Whedon. We’re headed into Prestige Season, which means many of these movies will be part of the Oscar Movie Marathon, which I will be part of next year, and then of course the post-January Movie Dumping Ground Season, which produces some of the finest films worthy of the name Nicolas Cage.

I look forward to doing this again next year, Whedon be Prasied!

An Original Movie...

There’s this really cool new thing that people do when a new movie is announced or a trailer comes out or something. They rush to their Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, MySpace, text, or emerge from their dens, mole-like to announce that the movie they just heard about is just a remake of something or a sequel, then bemoan the total lack of original ideas emerging from Hollywood. It’s a totally original argument, and don’t worry, you’re the first person to have made that observation, and no one has ever made it before.

I’m going to get the most obvious thing out of the way, mostly that the biggest movies of the summer thus far have been sequels, remakes, or in one case a sequel to a remake, while the original movies are buried in arthouses because everyone except the snobbiest of art snobs refuses to see them. Seriously, you’ve got a million people in line to see Fast and the Furious 15: Just the Rock Running from Explosions in Slow Motion, but we’re going to bemoan how everyone is sick of sequels and remakes. Yeah, right.

It’s too bad that remakes have existed since the dawn of time. (There’s a strong theory that I just made up that says the Earth in fact, is just a remake of an earlier Earth that didn’t include any Kardashians. God just put them here to shake things up for a bit. I’m not one to doubt the Almighty, but that was a bad call.) But humans have been remaking things since the first actor broke free from the Greek Chorus, realized he needed something to turn into popular entertainment, and some 40 year old guy in the audience (that’s like, 70 in today’s age) who just said, “meh. The cave paintings were better.”

I like to keep repeating this phrase: Shakespeare stole almost everything he ever wrote. Hamlet, Midsummer Night’s Dream, the unmentionable Scottish Play (which was actually stolen from history to suck up to the new boss, failed miserably), Romeo and Juliet... it’s likely that the only original Shakespeare Play that came just from the Bard’s memory was The Tempest, and that was all about how the world didn’t really need him.

Let’s even look at the latest from Johnny Depp, The Lone Ranger which is currently sinking like a stone tied to a bunch of heavier stones at the box office as I write this. “It’s a remake!” You screech as you hold up your cross and slink towards the light of an indie film that’s a coming of age story that’s been told a billion times but the twist this time is that the young protagonist has a complicated relationship with his mother instead of his father. “They should have left the old TV Show alone!” I’m just curious if you mean that old TV show that was taken from the radio show.

That sound. That sound of your jaw hitting your desk. That’s the sound of me, dropping the mic. I’d walk away if I didn’t have more to say.

Let’s not go back to Shakespeare, but let’s bring the time machine forward to the golden age of Hollywood when scandal meant an actress showed a little too much ankle at her latest film release, and the internet was called “newspapers.” (We’re so much more enlightened. Who was wearing a thong this week? Let me just google and check.) Early film and television (called “Glowing Soul Boxes” back then) needed content, where did they turn? They turned to books, plays, and anywhere else they can get the content needed to turn your eyes to the glowing rectangle in front of you. And what you knew to that point was that Tennessee Williams was getting some buzz in this whole play thing, let’s see how it translated to radio waves. Hey, kids parked themselves in front of the radio to imagine a world of cowboys and indians, how are they going to react when they can see the gunfire RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEIR EYES. It was a brave new world.

Look, I’m not saying the dearth of sequels and remakes isn’t sad-making. Unless that sequel is Serenity 2. There are literally millions of good ideas out there that are getting buried by yet another sequel or remake of the reboot. Like a story about a group of space-cowboys who fly around fighting the establishment. Just sayin’. But the problem is that people continue to complain about a problem that:

1. isn’t really a “problem” per se... if you like the movie, and you want to spend more time with them, then go see the movie again. Apparently a lot of people are doing that.
2. has existed since before the dawn of the medium. We’re constantly remaking or sequeling something so we can try to find a new interpretation. (which is why people complained about Man of Steel being too “dark” despite the fact that Superman believed the best in everyone. It was a reinterpretation.)
3. could easily be solved by going to see original movies, TV shows, etc, but people are too frightened by new things to check out these original things. Why roll the dice on a truly quirky movie like John Dies at the End when you can roll yourself up in a warm comfortable blanket of Generic Action Movie #76.

This debate will continue to rage as long as they’re making movies. It will rage while they’re beaming the stories directly to our brains starring any actor we want. (I’m looking forward to the all Nic Cage version of Much Ado About Nothing.) But if you’re going to continue to complain about remakes or sequels, then go seek out something unique. It’s out there if you can look. I personally don’t mind, I’m looking forward to Die Hard 90: Just Bruce Willis Yelling Catchphrases. Because I know that the reboot and sequel is a rich part of our cultural history.

And Joss, seriously, call me when you want to start up on Serenity 2.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt Stars as a Bike Messenger who... TO THE MULTIPLEX!

     There is a movie coming out that I am certain will blow all of your minds. Joseph Gordon-Levitt (Seen in Inception, Dark Knight Rises, and other movies not directed by Christopher Nolan.) plays a bike messenger that picks up the wrong envelope, and is chased around New York City. Every trailer I have seen demonstrates that this movie has the potential to be my pick for the movie that I am looking forward to more than any other this summer, because it is going to be bad.

    As loyal readers of this blog may have guessed (or non loyal ones. Or people that have casually seen me on the street) I love movies. I can’t get enough of them. I just love the smell of the popcorn, I love the previews, I love the uncomfortable seats. I just love the entire experience of going to the movies. I especially enjoy summer, when it seems like they release roughly two million movies into the theaters. (Three-fourths of those being remakes, sequels or remakes of sequels.)

    But at the end of the summer, there’s a very special week that I look forward to more than anything. It’s the last big weekend of the summer. Not Labor Day. Generally studios save their decent movies for big holidays or the start of the summer. (Or at least try. We all remember Speed Racer.) But the end of August is when movie studios generally release movies that are... let’s say less good.  Every once in a while they end up some surprise sleeper that’s decent, but for the most of the time, we won’t mince words, they suck. But they suck in an awesome way.

    Let’s look at Premium Rush, the movie I mentioned. This movie was clearly filmed several years ago, way before JGL (As they call him in the movie biz... look at me all going Hollywood here! Just like the real Shakespeare) was as famous as he was now. He hadn't been in any of his Nolan movies, and was known for doing Third Rock from the Sun and a few arty flicks. And it’s clearly been held off. Which means it is going to be just awesome. I simply can't wait for this.

    I love movies like this. You need to just shut off your brain and accept it for what it is. I can’t really describe how much I look forward to it or how it makes me feel. I enjoy the other movies, yes. Look at what I wrote for The Avengers back when it came out. But I walked into that one with impossibly high expectations that they easily met. But let’s face it... a movie starring someone that has been getting a lot of buzz over the past few years that is being dumped in August... that’s not The Avengers expectations. That’s barely the first Hulk movie expectations. (The arty one that got us into the mind of a giant green wrecking ball. Hulk Smash. That's what Hulk does.)

    So why am I looking forward to it if I have such low expectations? Because art is all around us. And sometimes the art of a “bad” summer movie is something that is underappreciated. This movie is going to spectacular. It is going to be enjoyable. And sometimes in our quest to find good movies or find art we forget that everything in some level is art.

    No one is going to be clutching an Oscar for Premium Rush. But I also know that I will go into it, and I will shut off my brain and I will enjoy it. So on the most basic level, it will have done its job. And that itself is art.