Bless Us, Oh Cage for a Wonderful Good Bad Movie Season

           Well, it’s that time of year. The Christmas Decorations are either down or staying up until they become a glorious reminder of Easter. Holiday Sales are slowly morphing into a reminder that Valentine’s Day is the next Holiday you have to look forward to, and that doesn’t come with days off.  Star Wars: The Force Awakens has blessed our screens and will continue to do so up until Episode VIII at this point. And sadly, movies switch from their high profile Oscar bait to… well, let’s just say, “the rest.”

            Yes, it’s time for Good Bad Movie Season, and our Protector over this particular season, St. Nicolas Cage. For who knows better than how to make a bad movie better than the King of all bad movies, Nicolas Cage. And I say that affectionately. He is the King, in so many ways.

            Prestige Season is always a little bittersweet for me. On the one hand, a lot of good movies come out. On the other, I tend to avoid them so I can give you a fresh perspective during the Oscar Movie Marathon coming up in February, and yes, Bad Shakespeare and Crew will be there in all of our glory. So I don’t have a lot of superlatives. Hunger Games was a little disappointing. Star Wars was amazing. So was Creed. Spectre was pretty cool, if you like throwbacks and thought experiments where the movie that was being parodied stole from the parody. Crimson Peak was chock full of Tom Hiddleston and ghostly goodness. And Jessica Chastain totally nailed the fourteen or so movies she was in.

            Anyway, it is time once again for us to bow our heads and say a little prayer to St. Nicolas Cage so he blesses us with a good Good Bad Movie season, and I have to tell you, it looks awesome, between Deadpool, Batman v. Superman, and Kung Fu Panda. But, time will tell, as it holds us over between our last awesome movie, and Captain America: Civil War.

            Let’s begin.

Bless us oh, Cage,

For these they gifts we are about to receive

Including straight from the page

Of Pride and Prejudice… and Zombies

Let us not forget about Pandas so Jolly

That will be hilarious and you

Will help us laugh at his folly

As we enjoy the antics of a Panda doing Kung Fu

After his last movie

In which he was replaced with a fool

Ryan Reynolds will gift us

With the character of Deadpool

One is faster than a speeding bullet

The other is dressed like a bat

But together they’ll fight

Batman v. Superman is where it’s at

We’re also gifted with a few Oscar Holdovers

Leo fights bears in the Revenant

The Finest Hours has us looking for cover

With those Ride Along 2 can join us--- Cage sent

Let us not forget the other movies that have been dumped

Zac Effron and Robert DeNiro

The theater we will jump

And Jane Got a Gun… moved from twenty one zero

There will be movies for Adults Young

With the Allegiant and Fifth Wave

And London will Fall in a sequel to be hung

And with a new city for Gerard Butler to save

There’s also Zootopia

But don’t ask Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

It’s an animated hoopla

The other is with Tina Fey – she’s hot.

Tom Hiddleston will sing with a country twang

The Huntsman will war, without Snow White

The Rings will scare us with tooth and fang

And Melissa McCarthy is the Boss – A comedy out of sight

There are so many others, I can’t fit in here

But Cage bless those with the power you send

As I go off to get more beer

And may this Good Bad Movie Season can wrap up… Amen.

            There you go! Your thrice annual reminder that I’m not really a poet, but I enjoy myself. How many of those movies will I end up getting to? Hopefully a good chunk, so I can report back before… SUMMER MOVIE SEASON gets into full swing! We’re only four months away!

Happy Third Birthday, Bad Shakespeare!

Exactly three years ago, I did my first post. It was about bunnies, gritty origin reboots, and a host of various other things you’d expect this blog to be about. Looking back, it was about my decision to just go for broke and go be a High School English Teacher, a quest once derided by someone who sarcastically told me to “reach for the stars.”

The blog has evolved a lot since then, originally wanting to focus on only teaching and education issues. It’s grown to be pretty much whatever I want it to be (which is probably why I don’t have a very large audience. Even my family members have admitted they don’t read it anymore.) But a lot has happened in those three years since I first sat down and said, hey... why don’t I start a blog?

I really debated about WHAT I should make this post about. Should I make it a mad-cap recap of everything that’s happened to me in three years. (Which is a lot.) Should I make it a solemn occasion, one in which I reflect about the past and what it means for the future? Or should I simply write a few words, and then move to Wednesday’s post, which is all about that Shakespeare?

It’s been three years. I’ve decided that I’m going to do the madcap recap. It’s more fun that way.

So, the road so far (imagine “Carry On My Wayward Son” playing while you read this. It will make you think that I’m in Supernatural. I don’t talk about it much, but I’m a big fan of the show Supernatural. Dean rules. And Jared Padelecki really messed with my mind being in a second show where there’s a “Dean” and he doesn’t play “Dean” but he did in Gilmore Girls. Jerk.)

Anyway... so back in 2010 I decided I was going to be a teacher, mostly born out of the fact that I was the world’s most okayest Government Contractor, and I was must more interested in literature, Shakespeare, and less interested in form 11B that needs to be filled out in accordance with regulation D, subsection Q in the official handbook. That I helped put together. Badly, but I helped put together.

Around 2012, I decided to start a blog about my adventures in teachering! Or becoming a teacher. I had been accepted to George Mason University, which originally accepted me on the basis that I wanted to be a teacher, and then somewhere along the line I strayed a little bit from that first path because, well, I get easily distracted. But there I met some cool instructors, including Professors Pellegrino, Zenkov, and Burtons-Peters, whom I still speak with today. Also who’s names I don’t really discuss names on here a lot, but I really wanted to point them out, because they’re three totally awesome people who continue to help me, even if they don’t have to. (Two of them wrote letters of recommendations; which put me into English Graduate School.)

Around 2013 I started to move the focus of my blog to be “whatever the hell I felt like writing that day” because education issues are important, but it’s a lot to take in, and as I learned, way more political than it needs to be. Seriously, folks, want to improve education? Let the experts deal with it.

One of the better changes was the focus on something that I love which are movies, and I started focusing on the AMC Best Picture Showcase, and of course, my dividing of the Three Movie Seasons and their Patron Saints... Joss Whedon for Summer Movie Season; Nicolas Cage for Good Bad Movie Season; Tom Hanks for Prestige Season. Good times.

Around 2013 I started having problems with the Praxis 2, which is this big test that once you pass, it means you’re going to be a great teacher and be able to solve all the world’s problems in one hug. Of course I’m kidding, it’s a standardized test that everyone who wants to teach in their field needs to take because the teaching classes focus on how to teach rather than the content in the field you’re teaching, and oh, good there’s a test you can take that will prove that you know everything. If you have trouble passing, fortunately, the company that makes the test and sells it to the local Government has classes you can take and materials you can buy for a small severe markup. How lucky. 

I continued to take the test, going so far as to get yet another job back as the world’s okayest Government Contractor (I want to point out that the problem was with me, not where I worked. I still loved everyone I worked with... well, most of them... but the problem was that I wasn’t very good at my job, it requiring very little need to interpret Shakespearean plays. So... you’re awesome, guys. I wasn’t.) while I continued to use those materials to take and re-take the test, eventually falling back on a source that taught me how to game the test and eventually pass. 

I passed. That officially meant I was ready for my internship. 

From last class to internship, I made roughly 999 Nicolas Cage references on the blog. This is number 1000! Yay! Also, during this break, I took the time to write a novel for National Novel Writing Month, focusing on a slacker and his buddies trying to take out an evil Nicolas Cage with the help of James Franco. It was pretty awesome. I’m looking forward to expanding it later.

Anyway, I started my internship, bright eyed and ready to take on the world, knowing I’d be the best teacher ever. Then, I started to realize that I wasn’t enjoying it as much as I thought I would. As someone pointed out, this is the honeymoon time, and if you’re not enjoying the honeymoon, then why are you doing it. I got low. Got dark. And eventually, started seeing a therapist because I really wasn’t myself. It was bad, people. Very bad. Eventually, I realized that I wasn’t following what I wanted to do, which was a lot more Shakespeare interpretation, so I quit my internship in a not so dramatic manner, but still applying to be an English Major.

That’s where we are now. I’ve been to England, I’m getting ready to go take Ireland in what promises to be an awesome program involving writing and hopefully Lucky Charms, and I’m still watching movies at a professional level.

3 years, four jobs, two graduate programs, a house, an apartment, three countries, (four if Scotland had voted for independence), three Spidermen, more movies than I can count, and one dream later... here I am. It’s been a long road. It’s been a weird road. But it’s been an interesting road.

So without further ado and no more gilding the lily, I raise a glass (metaphorical if you’re reading this really early in the morning. Or do. I’m not here to judge) to you, Bad Shakespeare. The Blog I’m using to chronicle all of my various adventures. 

       Also, I mentioned three names up top, but I also want to thank all of you who have helped me through this time. My parents who keep letting me dream and as Tina Fey put it "Gave me a confidence that far outshines my abilities".  My wife, Marissa, who puts up with "I'm a teacher, no I'm a swim coach, no I'm a [insert crazy idea of the week]…" To my very good friends, Jake, Melissa, Jerome, Kimothy, Beppe, Jeffrey, Emma, Kati… you all rock, and thanks for hanging out with me and making sure I don't go do things on my own I probably would be doing. Particularly Jerome and Kim, who go see all the stupid movies with me, and yes, putting up with "BUT IT'S NICOLAS CAGE". Thanks to Rick Davis and EVERYONE who went to London for making the "old, English Major Graduate Student" felt welcome and didn't have a single meal alone. (Except in Stratford, but that was by design.) Thanks to Kumutha and Beej, who understand my complex Doctor Who fan-ness, and ensure I get my daily dose of it, even though we've met in person maybe once. Or twice. Thanks to Sharon, Leslie, and Laura for helping me with jobs on countless occasions. My successes are possible because of all of you, and I'm aware of that.

      And also, a special, heartfelt thanks to ALL of you who read this blog. I wouldn't be doing this without you.

      With all that I’ve done in three years, it’s incredible to think about where I’ll be in three more. 

Back To America: Land of the Free, and Home of the Whopper

Citizens of the Internet and Beyond… Bad Shakespeare is back!

That’s right, after a month of being Bad Shakespeare-less, all new posts return… well next week, really. I suppose there’s a bit of cruelty that comes with teasing you all about the return of Bad Shakespeare, but hey, that’s what comedy is all about. But hey, regular updates will continue starting Monday of Next Week!

No, this is more of a housekeeping post, to give you all a sneak preview of what is going to be coming up over on the blog over the next couple of weeks. As you all know, or maybe you’re just finding out because you’ve just decided to start reading this blog based on your adventures with me, I have been in England over the past month, studying the inner workings of the theatre scene over there, touring the great venues, looking at the Actual Shakespeare’s house (and hoping he doesn’t mind how I borrowed his name for my blog. His ghost didn’t attack me, that’s as good as a “yes” as far as I’m concerned), drinking my way through Scotland’s fine alcohol dispensaries, and stalking former cast members of Doctor Who. Turns out, I saw two. Didn’t realize it, but I did. 

I had quite the adventure while over there, studying under the tutelage of the wonderful and talented Rick Davis, who I might add in addition to being handsome hasn’t put the final grades in the book in just yet. Just sayin’. And I look forward to telling you all about them, which is why (as I announced on Facebook… and if you don’t like Bad Shakespeare on Facebook, what’s wrong with you?) I’m announcing Bad Shakespeare Takes London, which will run on the blog Wednesdays for the foreseeable future. Marvel as I talk about:

Visiting Shakespeare’s Birthplace, and the secret of Bubbles, the Shakespearean Cat.

I review the eleven (yes… eleven) plays that I witnessed, including Treasure Island at the National Theatre, which certain was a play as it was taking place on a stage, and featured one of the more uncomfortable kisses I’ve ever seen, ever. And I’ve seen people kiss Nicolas Cage.

Our class gets a visit from the cast members of the Scottsboro Boys!

Tours! So many tours.

The experience of visiting a laundromat in London. I’ll make that one more exciting than it sounds. 

Cardiff, Doctor Who, and Paddington Station… all in one day! (The Doctor Who Experience is in Cardiff, and I had to leave from Paddington Station. But it sounds more impressive this way.)

The totally true adventures of an American in a London Movie Theater. When commercials run for 45 minutes, you wonder why you’re the only one there for a little bit. Also, no butter.

My quest for a decent cheeseburger.

The Universal appeal of Zoidberg! You all have Zoidberg.

Kilt Buying for dummies. 

And much, much more. 

And that’s not all in the way of announcements. As you’ve all seen, the Oscars were announced, and you can bet your sweet bippy that Bad Shakespeare and Friends will be at the 2015 AMC Oscar Movie Showcase to enjoy all the showcase happenings, including guest appearances by Jerome the Steelers Dude and Cookie Queen Kim. (She’d better have cookies this year… she’d better.) Stay tuned for that as well!

And, of course, your usual assortment of general wackiness, including movie reviews, Book Reports, coverage of the Movie Dumping Ground Season, and of course, this whole Graduate School thing. I should probably work on that a little bit as I have two classes coming up.

My trip to England changed me in so many ways. I wasn’t prepared for the ways in which this particular trip was going to change me. I’m really looking forward to sharing that will all of you. I’m looking forward to recapping my adventures, and looking forward to the new year and all of the new adventures I have ahead of me. 

Thus Begins Chapter 94, or Something Like That...

I use this space for a lot of things. Sometimes it’s my silly thoughts on movies. Sometimes I just feel like writing something funky about James Franco and Nicolas Cage fighting over the soul of the world. And sometimes, I look back and try to figure out just how I got to this point in my life. 

Today marks my first day as an English Graduate Student. It’s not my first day as a graduate student. No, I did that for a while for Education, as I’ve mentioned many times before. In fact, this blog was supposed to chronicle my adventures in becoming an English Teacher, back before I realized I could get some laughs writing about movies and James Franco and Nicolas Cage fighting over the soul of he world. 

I guess this post is going to be a little more reflective than what I normally do. That being said, if you’re more into James Franco and Nicolas Cage fighting over the soul of the world type posts, I promise they won’t ALL be this reflective from here on out. But it’s what I need today. And I am the writer of Bad Shakespeare, the Blog. 

Last Saturday was an anniversary for me. It’s the anniversary of when things really started to change. Saturday marked one year since my contract was up with my previous office… which meant it’s now been one year since I put on a tie every day and went into an office and did office worker things: sitting at a computer, answering phones, and finding new and creative ways to pass the time by hiding pictures of Paula Deen in one person’s desk, or suran wrapping another person’s desk and putting up a biohazard sign over it. Good times. I’ll also have to tell you about the hand sanitizer at one point. That was one of my prouder moments.

Everything has changed so much since then. I had quit that job previously, then re-taken a position to hold me over up until I started my internship. Because of the pesky Praxis 2, which I also railed against during this time, I didn’t start it until January, but my contract was up in August, so there wasn’t much they could do. The people i worked for were already nice enough to not only hire me back, but extend my work an extra few months because they were that awesome. 

So yeah, no typical office job… I actually found another job that doing something I absolutely love part time. Also, I moved from a big house to a smaller apartment in a location I like. I decided I didn’t want to teach high school and moved on to English abruptly. Oh, and I found a pretty cool set of Supernatural Action figures, so I got that going for me too. Lil’ Cas is pretty awesome.

It’s just odd to think how much has changed. By this point I thought I’d be readying my own classroom, making lesson plans, getting tests ready, and welcoming a new crop of students. Instead, I’m putting on a swimsuit almost daily. I’m not worrying about the lawn. My ties have been sitting in a garbage bag on the bottom of my closet for the past few months because i haven’t needed them, except rare occasions where I have interviewed for the random job that looked interesting, but I apparently didn’t wow them. I’m also sitting waiting to take more Graduate Level classes, still unsure what to expect.

I’ve mentioned before that Secondary Education is more guided. Some of it is State Mandated, some of it is school mandated because it was for a Masters Degree. And with English, I can take a wide variety of classes as long as i take the two main classes. But sometimes I wonder if I’m smart enough, you know? Like maybe they made some kind of cosmic mistake letting me in. Maybe somewhere there’s a guy with a similar name to mine that got a rejection letter meant for me. It’s jut that little bit of fear that always creeps into your head once you get the reading list and you wonder if you’re going to understand all of it. 

Of course, Doc Sparky Sweets covered one of the books over at Thug Notes, so I’ll rely heavily on that for a little bit. 

I’ll get over it. It’s called an irrational fear, that being that it’s not a rational and can’t be wished away by saying “I’m smart and my name is unique enough that they couldn’t have messed it up completely.”It’s just tough for those first few days.

Some of it is all of the change in general hitting me in the face like so many fish at a Seattle Market. It’s just been a lot to process. 

Again, this is all reflection. I’m not trying to make any sense of it, just trying to process it. I’m not even sure where I’m going with all of this right now. I’m interested to see how the semester goes from this point on. Of course, I’ll keep you updated in between movie reviews and stories about James Franco and Nicolas Cage fighting for the soul of the world. 

But… let’s start my life. Chapter 94, or whatever we’re up to…

Bad Shakespeare in LaLa Land!

Leonardo DiCaprio cries himself to sleep each night while gazing at this image.

It’s that magical time of year, faithful readers of this blog, and anyone who found it by Googling “Breaking Bad Spoilers” despite the fact that the show has been over for a good four months. (It ends by listing the names of everyone who worked on that episode.) It’s that magical time of year when parts of America are covered in cold, you long to be complaining about the heat of summer, and Hollywood dumps it’s most unlovable crap into movie theaters with the hopes of tricking you into seeing it. We’re going to be there for you, I, Frankenstein. I generally hoped you’d be better, Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit, despite the words “Kevin” and “Costner” appearing around you. And if you’re one of 20 found footage horror movies being released in January... oh, man. I feel bad for you. I’ll catch you on Netflix in a few weeks.

But while Hollywood is throwing the leftovers that were deemed “not as good as R.I.P.D” into the theaters with the hopes that you’ll be too cold to go, they also don’t care. Why? Because it’s awards season! That’s right, whether it’s a People’s Choice, a Golden Globe, or a Netflix Coca-Cola Award brought to you by Chipolte, it’s important to remember that some rich people are going to get up in fancy dresses that cost more than your car, some people who haven’t been famous in 20 years will critique those outfits, and the same 8 movies will get awarded something, and Leonardo DiCaprio will win everything except for what’s considered the highest award. Of which Nicolas Cage has two. 

Let that sink in for a few minutes.

The only one we care about here at Bad Shakespeare central are the Oscars. And the AMC 24 Hour Best Picture Showcase, this year coming to you in March! And once again, Bad Shakespeare will be there to cover the entire thing, in it’s entire 24 hour glory. 

If you remember back to the 2013 AMC BPS, it was quite the grab bag. From the sheer, “When will this be over” of Amour to the breathtaking “Dear God, make it stop!” of Beasts of the Southern Wild, we covered all the nominees with gusto, making jokes about Abe Lincoln, pigeons, and avoiding the easy ones about Leonardo DiCaprio despite the fact that he played against type and still couldn’t get one of those Golden wrapped Chocolate covered statues. (That’s what it’s made of, right?)

Well, let’s take a look at what we’ve got going on this year, and what we’ll be watching. Keep in mind, as of this writing the AMC Best Picture Showcase 2014 has been announced, but is not open for ticketing just yet, so I don’t know the order, just that it’s going to occur. the order I’m picking is the order that’s on it’s website so it could be random, alphabetical, or it could be the secret code to the Academy Voters that it’s time to mount the army and attack England. No one knows. It’s an enigma. 

-American Hustle. Now, I have to be honest, I’ve seen this one, and I have to say, it’s got some impressive actors with some impressive hair. I was going to make a joke about the whole thing being Batman and Lois lane squaring off against Mystique and the future voice of Rocket Raccoon for the soul of Hawkeye, but that’s all too confusing. let’s just focus on the well-coifed members of the team, and the fact that the one person not really forced to alter her hair too much was the ginger cast member, most likely because they were scared of her. I know I’d be. Between her and Christian Bale, that set was most likely a powder keg. Either way, I’m looking forward to watching this one again, this time with people who can appreciate me making fun of the four minutes that start this film that’s just Christian Bale combing his hair, and then us trying to take everything else seriously. 

-Captain Philips, a.k.a Johnny Depp lied to us. I’ve not seen this one, and I don’t know how much I’m looking forward to it, to be honest with you. I’ve seen based on harrowing life events in the past, and this one does look interesting. I mean, based on events as much as possible, as once it came out we got the obligatory twelve stories from Slate about how this bent the truth, then the article about how the other bent the truth, etc. It must have been nice, the writers from that site were able to take almost a full month off based on this. Regardless of what happens, the outcome is the same: Someone please, please, please just give Tom Hanks another Oscar. 

-Dallas Buyer’s Club. The first in our look at 2014 Academy Award movies featuring Matthew McConaughey is another semi-true picture that looks at the selling of AIDs drugs during the worst parts of the AIDs crisis. I don’t know I’m going to make too many jokes about this, other than the weight that McConaughey had to lose to get the part and the fact that it endangered his abs. Really, they’re a national treasure, people. 

-Gravity. I’m calling it now, this one is going to be our midnight, “ain’t we clever for putting this on at midnight?” movie. It’s 3-D and features mostly Sandra Bullock floating around after she’s abandoned by George Clooney. It’s a good look at an existential thought process that goes through people’s heads as they decide just what they’re going to have to do in order to survive. Also, fear. Worst fear. I’d rather face off against the alien from Alien than deal with drifting through space, slowly waiting for my oxygen to run out. Fortunately, most of the movie has been debunked by Neil DeGrasse Tyson, who pointed out clearly that the giant robots in Pacific Rim couldn’t exist. 

-Her. Finally the movie that Stanley Kubrick was trying to make when he had HAL  get rid of those pesky astronauts for not returning his love. We know this one, some dude falls in love with Scarlett Johansson just by voice because he’s lonely and hey, Scarlett Johansson. The only cruelty, of course, is casting Scarlett Johansson in a movie that doesn’t feature any images of Scarlett Johansson, making it the cruelest use of Scarlett Johansson since Michael Bay convinced us that there could be believable clones of Scarlett Johansson. Jerk. But yeah, cautionary tale of technology or something. 

-Nebraska. The Oscar voter’s token black and white movie after the uproar last year that all of the other black and white movies had been overlooked. They were shot in black and white for a reason, everyone: To get nominations! Fortunately, this was corrected this year without having to resort to finding an old Leonardo DiCaprio movie, putting it in black and white, and assuring him that he isn’t going to win again.

-Philomena. A wacky road trip adventure with Steve Coogan and former Vin Diesel co-star Dame Judi Dench set in Ireland where they try to find the child she gave up when she was younger. I should also point out that this is ANOTHER fact based story, which makes me wonder why other fact based stories, like the Croods, weren’t nominated this year. It’s just another example of the Oscar’s biases. I do have to point out after hearing all of the stories behind this one, I do really want to see it. It looks interesting, and I generally like Steve Coogan when he’s playing Steve Coogan. And hey, Dame Judi Dench. If she were in Amour, I’d probably be sadder by the end, and not rooting for that pigeon to steal her soul. (That’s what happened in the movie, right?)

-12 Years a Slave. I’m not even going to ATTEMPT to spell the main character’s name, just refer to him as the bad guy from Serenity, and hope that his newfound fame will allow him to come back in the inevitable Serenity sequel that he will personally fund. Looks like another tough movie, but one that will be interesting at least, and thanks to that overseas poster I know features Brad Pitt. Which is good, because I was getting scared by the lack of Brad Pitt on this year’s list, and was kind of hoping they’d replace Bradley Cooper with Brad Pitt digitally in American Hustle. Oh, don’t feel bad for Cooper, he’s going to have Rocket Raccoon money soon.

-The Wolf of Wall Street. Scorsese. DiCaprio. Hill. With powerhouse names like these, it’s no wonder that this film was nominated for an Oscar. However, Nicolas Cage has more Oscars than all these men. Combined. Just a reminder. In any event, I’m looking forward to this one, despite all the “controversies” surrounding it that allowed the writers of Slate to once again write about it, then take a month off. It looked hilarious, and I actually avoided this one because I believed it would be nominated. Good luck, this year, to all of you... wait... DiCaprio wasn’t even nominated? Ooof. That’s going to hit into my jokes this year. I’ll work around it. 

So there you have it... all 9 nominated films that I’ll be sitting through with my faithful group of co-writers, friends, and people who are bringing cookies. Seriously. I was promised cookies. And I’m looking forward to sharing the experience with all of you!

Also, to those who were just Googling Breaking Bad Spoilers: Walt dies after a fight with a Dragon voiced by Benedict Cumberbatch. 

Unicorns, Nicolas Cage, and Novels… Oh, My!

At this point, it’s been about two weeks since I finished the first draft of my Nanowrimo Novel, Mars and Kaplan Save the World. Which is being changed to The Third String. I’ll probably go back and forth on it. It’s also been about six weeks since I’ve done a regular Bad Shakespeare post. I know I promised to restart last week, but I was sort of in a major groove in my editing, and then it was suddenly Wednesday, and I figured I’d give myself an extra week of creating new creates.

I’ve been a busy little bee, editing some of the parts I didn’t like (and, unfortunately, some of the parts I did like) to make it a better novel. The goal has always been to post the first, mad-cap, make-no-sense “proto-novel” (Thanks for the term, Chris) to my blog as a way to hold myself accountable to actually writing the thing. Now I need to finish it up, with the hopes of having it sent to publishers by the Summer. 

However, it’s lesson time, because I learned a lot about myself, the writing process, and other people during the whole month of November while I was putting this together. Also while I was active on the Nanowrimo forums, talking to other people and learning things about the other writers out there participating in this event.

-Sadly, the first thing I learned is that a lot of people really want to kill other people’s fun. I mean, I always knew this, but unless some people were really deluded into thinking that their silly first draft written in a month suddenly constituted something that could be sent to publishers (more on that in a moment) this is really harmless fun. I made a few comments on it over on the ol’Facebook page, and here’s a quick clarification:

“Wow, Nanowrimo is stupid” not directed to anyone in particular just ensuring that you want to make sure everyone knows you’re apparently above all this: I can shake off. You’re being a jerk, but I saw plenty of comments on that, and I don’t really care. I mean, I was a little surprised at how much hate was out there, but hey... everyone is welcome to whatever they want to say, really.

“Hey, your protagonist is really week” or other constructive criticism directed towards me: Great. I want to know that stuff. Tell me.

“Wow, Nanowrimo is stupid and your novel is stupid and why are you focusing on demons instead of the glory of Christ you’re going to hell.” That’s a condensed version of an email directed to me by a now thankfully former friend. That’s the stuff that is a little difficult to ignore. Like I said, the first one, directed at all potential writers is just a little immature. The second one is helpful. This one shows a special brand of hatred. Someone  I once considered a friend took the time to sit down at a computer, read part of Mars and Kaplan (or the Third String... Holla!) dissect it, and then offer nothing other than I, personally was an idiot for doing this and that I, personally was going to H-E-Double Hockey Sticks for writing about demons... fake demons, mind you, and Nicolas Cage. I know I’m going to have to deal with this forever, especially as I put my writing more and more out there, but seriously? From a “friend?” Good riddance. 

So, to those wondering what had me all riled up that one day, it was that hurtful email, from a very former “friend.” 

-I learned that my characters want to tell a different story than I do sometimes. There were plenty of points in my writing where I really wanted things to go one way, but then one of the characters would pop up, say, “nu-unh!” and then make me go off in the other direction, blissfully aware that they decided to change the course of everything. For example, Tyler was just going to be a throw away character that was going to get Mars to the bar. I was surprised when he came along, and more importantly I was more surprised when he was killed! None of that was in my original outline.

-Not everyone is a crazy, “DECEMBER IS PUBLISHING MONTH READ MY 50,001 WORDS ON UNICORNS.” Oh, there are plenty like that, and generally they’re corrected by people. I’d say about 50% of people doing this do it just because at some point they had a dream to be a writer, and somewhere along the line that dream went away, so they use this month just to have fun. Their novel may never see the light of day. They just had a good time writing, and they’ll file their novel under some folder to look back on some day. Even those that fall into the “hey we’re going to publish something at some point” are cool people who are realistic about getting their stuff out there on day.

-The “DECEMBER WILL SEE MY BOOK PUBLISHED ON UNICORNS” people really are crazy. And scary. And people to avoid. Big time. 

-It was a lot of fun. Yep. I had a really good time doing it, creating a little world and getting to play in it. And a lot of what I did: Making one of the main characters Nicolas Cage, throwing in the real life Hamlet the Wondercat, etc... some of that was fun, just for me. I don’t know how much of that will survive the editing process. So far it’s all still around, but the first draft not caring about editing or making sure everything lined up perfectly... that was just a good time.

Ultimately, National Novel Writing Month served it’s purpose for me: It fulfilled the promise I made to myself a long time ago to actually complete some type of writing. It allowed me to stretch and get out of my comfort zone. It allowed me to just enjoy myself, more than anything.

I hope you all enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Hopefully, I’ll have a second draft to play with very, very soon.

Eplilogue

Epilogue

Nicolas Cage sat in his room overlooking Bourbon Street. He smiled as the revelers danced beneath him, feeling kingly in his own way. He had just signed on to play Kaplan in the movie version of the events that just happened. His Cult was still around to do his various biddings. Alice quit, of course, as she was no longer set to be his sacrifice. There was some chatter that she went to work for Ben Affleck, but at this point he didn’t really care. He simply put his hands on his hips and stared out the window.

Then he heard it. The little jingling of a bell on a cat collar. He turned to see Hamlet sitting in one of the chairs across his desk.

“Now, what are you doing here, little guy,” Nicolas Cage said.

“He’s with me,” James Franco said, entering the room, “We decided to pay you a little visit.”

Nicolas Cage walked over to his little bar and poured two drinks. He quickly downed them both, “I’m not sure what you’re doing here, Franco.”

“I’m here to make sure that you don’t have any more ambitions for world domination, Cage.”

Nicolas Cage smiled. “You know, Franco, you never were much of the trusting type. That surprises me.” 

“What makes you say that?” 

“You just seem like the trusting type. So young... it’s a shame.”

“Well, I have you to thank for that,” James Franco replied, squinting.

“Don’t do that flashback thing. I don’t have the time for that.”

James Franco’s eyes unsquinted as he decided not to visit the past.

“So, now what’s next for the mighty Nicolas Cage?” 

The truth was, other than making movies, Nicolas Cage hadn’t decided. He indicated as much as he poured himself another drink.

“Just remember: I’m watching you,” James Franco said, pointing at his eyes. Hamlet bounced off the chair and the two of them started to exit the room. He turned around one more time to point at his eyes, then pointed back at Nicolas Cage.

Nicolas Cage just smiled. Then he reached under the bar and pulled out a book he had acquired a few months ago, “Wizarding 101.”

“Until next time, Franco.”

Chapter 28

Chapter 28

“Ladies, Gentlemen, and other... I’m so glad that you could make it here to witness this momentous event,” Nicolas Cage stood on top of a fake rock outcropping with his arms spread wide.

A lot had happened from the time Kaplan, Evie, Hamlet, and Nathara burst into the bar that turned out to be a front for the ritual. For starters, Nicolas Cage joined them with a reporter and a cameraman who was their to chronicle the filming of Nicolas Cage’s latest movie. Several other cult members, including Elizabeth, joined them as well and started taking their places for the ritual. And the police were barred from the location, and were confused as to what else was going on. 

That was more than enough time for the larger members of the cult to grab the trio and ensure they weren’t going to interfere. They even grabbed Kaplan’s sword, which he felt was kind of rude, and someone else picked up Hamlet by the scruff of his neck which he would soon find out was a big mistake.

What they didn’t know was that Mars, Gabe, and Raph were on their way, amulet in hand, to come attempt to save them. 

The really important thing that none of them knew was that Jacob Whelan, annoyed but recovered from his head injury, was following all of them, and was going to be there shortly as well. 

Kaplan, Evie, and Nathara were going to be a lot happier to see Mars, Gabe, and Raph rather than Jacob Whelan. Hamlet wasn’t going to care, he just wanted the loud noises to stop, and for events to stop ruining his various naps.

“The dawn of a new day is upon us!” Nicolas Cage continued. Alice really wished he hadn’t used just a cliched line. That wasn’t what she wrote. It didn’t matter, she was about to enter this history books as the greatest sacrifice in the world.

“This event is a long time coming! I welcome you all... to Nicolas Cage’s World!” 

Poe, now in the role of the Man... the Woman in the Dark Hood, grabbed the ceremonial torch as everyone looked on: Evie, Kaplan, and Nathara feeling an extreme sense of failure, the members of the Cult now chanting “Cage” rhythmically, and many confused partiers, who didn’t understand why drink service had stopped an Nicolas Cage was giving a speech. But they soon joined in the chanting, thinking it was part of the show.

Bennet had Marty set up a great shot, and was narrating events from off to the side, again thinking that she was just catching the exclusive story about the filming of a new movie. At that point, Marty was starting to suspect that he was trying to catch something even better.

Alice, bound in the ceremonial ropes wearing a very special black and red robe, was hoisted over the fire. The fire had been purified for the third time the way that Jacob Whelan had specified.

Despite the chanting, for the trio sent in to stop everything there was an unearthly silence.

“What do we do?” Evie asked.

“I really don’t know,” Kaplan replied.

It frightened Evie a lot more that Kaplan didn’t have a smart-ass response to her. 

“Well, team, I think we’ve failed,” Nathara responded dryly. “We need a plan, now.”

“We need a miracle,” Kaplan said. He’d even stopped struggling.

“And that’s why I’ve decided not to go through with it,” Nicolas Cage finished. The chanting stopped. Alice let out a muffled profanity through her sacred gag, that was supposed to usher her voice into the new era. Poe, Elizabeth, and the rest of the Cult turned their eyes towards him. The drunk party goers were just sad the chanting stopped.

“Is that your miracle?” Evie asked.

“I’ll take it,” Kaplan responded.

“I’ve been at this taking over the world thing for almost twenty years! I’ve fought Angels, summoned demons, and personally crossed swords with James Franco on several occasions,” Nicolas Cage continued, “Go home. Cut Alice down. I’m disbanding the cult. There’s no point in continuing this.” He sat down on the rock and looked out into the crowd. 

“I’m waiting for the punchline,” Nathara said.

“Worst. Ending to a movie. Ever,” Bennet said under her breath as Marty continued to role. Of course, Marty had noted a while ago that there were no other cameras, and they were very close to living in a Nicolas Cage ruled world with whatever wacky ritual this was.

Unfortunately for Nicolas Cage, who just had a change of heart, there was one who didn’t. Not being bound by things like, “police” or “crowds” or “being hit with a ceramic Santa Claus” Jacob Whelan had made his way in some time ago to watch his crowning moment... a world to take over... take place. After being stabbed, hit in the head, and losing his two Angelic enemies, he was less than happy to come this close only to fail because the person who said he was going to usher in a new era, was going to wuss out this close to the finish line.

“I don’t think so,” he replied. He appeared next to Alice, “We are doing this... NOW”. 

Jacob Whelan extended his arm. Then one single finger. The nail on the finger grew until it was a razor sharp claw. With it, he cut the rope holding Alice.

She plummeted down to the purified fire. 

Chapter 27

Chapter 27

“The what does what now?” Mars asked as he and the pair of still shackled Angels worked their way through the crowd of Bourbon Street.

After finding the amulet and giving it to Mars, the trio weighed their options. According to Gabe, they had to get that amulet to the location where the ritual was taking place. Unfortunately, as Mars explained, they didn’t know where the ritual was taking place, so they might as well be running through New Orleans randomly asking people if they knew where an actor might be trying to raise an army of demons to take over the world. 

That was about five seconds before Kaplan cut a hole through the roof of his car, and they ran into the Cage Spot, the newest bar on on Bourbon street that they just discovered had a Cave theme. That was when they decided to fight their way through the crowd: Mars and two Angels, still completely shackled. With the excitement of a car passing through, followed by another car with a bunch of people in robes, followed by the police, followed by Nicolas Cage on an Action Action News Van, no one really seemed to mind that now a guy was walking through the crowd holding what looked like a crushed can spraypainted red on the end of what looked like a string. 

Following his reunion with the Angels that named him one half of the team that was supposed to be saving the world right now, they managed to get out of Nicolas Cage’s not so secret lair which was remarkably easy, as most security guards had gone to the Cage Spot for the ritual. The ones that were left were to stupid to figure out what was going, and were left behind for that reason.

There was some debate about what to do about the Demon Jacob Whelan, who was nursing a head wound thanks to a ceramic dead eyed Santa, but was currently not a threat. As they realized there was no way for Gabe or Raph to affect him because of the official rules, and Mars was woefully unprepared to deal with fighting a demon on his own, they would take their chances heading towards the car chase. In the very least, they’d be back together with Kaplan, Evie, and that other person who was in the car, and they might have a chance to fight Jacob Whelan together.

“I’m not going to explain this again,” Gabe shouted, “That’s the amulet Nicolas Cage originally used to summon the demon to our world.”

A young man wearing no shirt and a hat off to the side got right in Gabe’s face, “WOOO! NICOLAS CAGE DEMON!” 

She pushed him back with her shackle.

“So if we can figure out a way to destroy it, possibly by throwing it in the purified fire that they’re going to use to sacrifice Alice, Jacob Whelan will go back to his own home dimension, and Nicolas Cage will be powerless.”

The same well muscled young man got in Gabe’s face again, “AW, MAN! POWERLESS!”

She pushed him back again.

“But will still make the movies he makes,” Raph finished, “I don’t believe that was part of the original deal.”

Mars didn’t like the word “possibly” thrown in there. Also, he didn’t understand why the amulet was literally  a crushed can of soda spraypainted red.

“Look, magic isn’t pretty,” Gabe said, “he probably didn’t have anything else more valuable.”

The truth was, Nicolas had a proper amulet when he was in the process of attempting to summon the demon. The night before he took some cast members out for a few drinks, and when they awoke he found himself an hour before the peak summoning hour and without an amulet. Being resourceful, he crafted the world’s worst amulet out of a piece of string and yes, a can of Pepsi he managed to find and flatten. The red paint came later, when Jacob Whelan decided that he didn’t want to endorse one brand of soda over another.

“I’m still not digging the word ‘possibly’,” Mars repeated, noting that the Angel didn’t answer his question.

“Well, we can’t be sure about anything right now,” Gabe said.

The same young man stuck his head in her face again, “WOOO! LET’S BE SURE, BABY!” 

“WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?” She shouted back.

“Sorry, I just thought you were kind of cute,” he said, looking sincere.

Gabe blushed, “Well, I got this whole world saving thing going on, but maybe afterwards...”

“Enough, Romeo,” Raph replied, “She’s a little bit older than you. Let it go.”

Rejected, the young man started to walk away. Gabe was about to say something when they realized where they were. They were standing outside of the Cage Spot, and the situation didn’t look pretty.

Two cars were haphazardly parked out front, one with the roof cut out, one with the windows broken. The Action Action News Van had also joined them at some point, and was now also awkwardly blocking the street. The difference was that seeing sensitive equipment on the van as opposed to the regularness of the two cars meant that there were already a bunch of people climbing on top, trying to break off a piece of the Action Action News for themselves.

The problem came with the Police, who weren’t very pleased that there had just been a car chase through a group of drunken partiers. They were surrounding the cars, trying to find their way into the now locked building. This was even more difficult as the large man wearing all black was now standing in front of the locked door, insisting that they were not on the list. At which point a police officer would show them a badge, then the large man in black would indicate that he had seen this somewhere before. Mars, Gabe, and Raph watched this loop for a good five minutes before one of them finally spoke up.

“How the hell are we getting in?” Gabe asked.

“I have an idea,” Mars said, turning to the two Angels.