Bad Shakespeare's Guide to the Best Valentine's Day Movies

The Only Captain we need... for Love

               L’amour, amirite?

            Yes, it’s that time of year again in between the vast wasteland that is Christmas and the Ides of March the greeting card industry has made a holiday that forces us all to “love” each other, much like a skunk the second he sees a black cat that accidentally rubbed up against a freshly painted white fence. It compels us give out paper hearts and other assorted goodies that usually are candy. So, I can’t fault them for that part. I do enjoy candy. But what if you find yourself alone on this most sacred of invented holidays? Why, the best possible way is to settle down with a few movies.

            It’s important to note at this point that this is pretty much my solution to everything. Bad day at work? Movies. Best friend stabbed you in the back at the behest of your other best friend so he could take off with your girl? Movies. Went to go see a bad movie? Movies. It’s really the only solution.

            But which ones? It seems like the only real romance that America is producing lately is in the form of Nicolas Sparks latest fill in the blank masterpieces. Who’s going to die? Who’s going to end up in the hospital? Will you cry? It’s easy to make fun of Mr. Sparks because he’s gotten away with writing the same book over and over again, but he presumably has a Scrooge McDuck Style Moneybin in his backyard and whichever servant isn’t currently flossing his teeth will read him this blog as his Google Alerts. (Plus, I always kind of liked A Walk To Remember. That one was pretty sweet.) However, what Nicolas Sparks-free movies are good for you to watch on this Valentine’s Day?

Fortunately, Bad Shakespeare is here to help with my list of the best Valentine’s Day movies for any mood.

Best Bromance: The Emperor’s New Groove

This right here. This is Guy Love.

 

            Let’s start with a movie that doesn’t get a lot of love the rest of the year, and doesn’t feature a bunch of kissing with the exception of a little bit of John Goodman on Llama action at the midway point. The Emperor’s New Groove, about a spoiled Emperor who is turned in to a llama for hilarious reasons, is perhaps the goofiest Disney movie since A Goofy Movie, which legally is the only Disney movie that’s allowed to be called “Goofy.” I’m sure their lawyers would be on the phone with me in minutes if more than seven people read this blog. (Hi, mom! There may be swearing later.)

            Regardless, this underrated Disney Masterpiece on the surface is about a rich brat learning his lesson, but underneath is actually about the power of friendship, both in the characters of Kuzco and Pacha, the John Goodman-esque llama farmer who seeks to return his enemy to the throne, but also in the loyalty of Kronk and Izma, the people who ineptly turned Kuzco into a llama in the first place. At the end of the day, neither can really achieve their goals without the help of that friend in the first place, even if they manage to drive them crazy with their wacky antics. Don’t want love but want the unending power of friendship to guide you through the heart-shaped Twixts? Throw in the Emperor’s Groove.

(Which is an abomination. Everyone knows that Twixts should be candy bar shaped, and the left one tastes better which is why you save it for last.)

Best Tragic Romance: Doctor Horrible’s Sing Along Blog

It's more romantic if you know he's planning on blowing up the world for her.

            Not really a movie as it first aired on something called “the internet” this is a tragic/fun romance that ends in death and much too soon, like every thing Joss Whedon does. The story of an evil scientist that just wants to get noticed by the Evil League of Evil and the cute girl he so longs to flirt with that he sees doing laundry from time to time. Wouldn’t you know it, though, as one of his evil schemes goes awry and he ends up introducing her to Captain Hammer, sparking up their romance.

            Yes, this entry was largely an excuse to get a Nathan Fillion movie on the list, and his work on Slither just wasn’t going to make it.

            No, this movie has all the makings of a wonderful Joss Whedon production, including catchy songs that are fun and lighthearted until they hit you with a twinge of longing and romance (“With my freeze ray I will stop… the pain.”) and a good story where you hope the bad guy is going to win long enough to get the girl, but in the end, he loses her to his own ambition. There’s a powerful lesson here about focusing on what’s important, and probably not being a character in a Joss Whedon anything.

            Also, where’s Doctor Horrible 2, Joss? And an Angel movie? (I like to pretend more than seven people read this. Hello, again, mom! No, no swearing yet.)

Best Romance, Tom Hanks Style: Joe Versus the Volcano.

            Some of you in the audience are too young to remember but there was a time when Tom Hanks was just a funny guy, unless you paid attention to the darkness he could portray in The ‘Burbs and Punchline. You’ve seen the former movie. I feel like I'm the only one who's seen the latter, but when you’re not binging on the list I’m giving you for Valentine’s Day, you should check it out. Anyway, he used to do a lot of comedies, especially romantic comedies, and while I could have thrown a dart at his IMDB page before 2001 and hit one, I chose one of his best, as a young man named Joe Banks who’s diagnosed with a terminal disease and is given only a few months to live. An insane billionaire gives him anything he wants, so long as he jumps into a volcano to appease the inhabitants of a tiny island, and so the billionaire can keep mining a precious resource he uses to make his special brand of Orange Soda.

            No. Really.

            Along the way he falls in love with Meg Ryan, three times.

            No, really… there are three women in this movie. All of them are Meg Ryan.

            This movie gets on the list for it’s uplifting message that you should live every day like you’re going to jump into a volcano. That is, Joe leaves his miserable life of hypochondria and eventually learns to love himself, which opens him up to the possibility of love with the most fleshed out, least depressing Meg Ryan that is available at the end of the film. This movie actually warrants a lot of analysis, but that’s another post where I’m not trying to cheer you up.

Best Romance, Disney Style: Hercules

How most people feel about Valentine's Day, summed up in one image.

            I have a confession to make.  Hercules is my favorite movie because it’s the one where the characters come the furthest from the beginning. Let’s face it: Hercules is a jerk who becomes a hero not to save all of the people he can save because he’s literally got the strength of a god, but because he wants to go home and live with the gods. Phil is a gluttonous, lustful, goat-man who wants to be known for training a hero. Hades… actually he’s pretty cool, I like him. And Meg just thinks everyone deserves misery, because she is. She spends a lot of time denying her feelings for Hercules. And even Hercules, who is in “love” with her to start, is just trying to reap the hero’s reward.

            But, this is actually one of my favorite Disney movies, because it’s actually about finding yourself to find love. Meg isn’t a redheaded mermaid who was secretly trying to overthrow the king. Hercules doesn’t have the aid of a magic carpet or wise-cracking monkey. And this story isn’t a highly romanticized tale taking from Victor Hugo or the darkest parts of American History. No, this is tale about real love. Hercules gets everything he wants in the end: not just learning that self-sacrifice makes you a hero, but he became an actual god. And he gives it up. Why? To be with the one he truly loves. Meg. Because she needed him, and the best part is, he needed her to remind him of what it meant to be an actual hero, not just a glory-hound because he can do more than the mortals.

            It’s a sweet story.

 Most Romantic Shakespeare: Much Ado About Nothing

Denzel and Keanu! Together at last!

Joss Whedon. Kenneth Branagh. Either one is pretty great. Shakespeare’s classic tale about the battle of the sexes is pretty awesome. If you want laugh out loud funny, I’d recommend Joss Whedon’s black and white version that manages to firmly place itself in present times, but manages to remain timeless. If you want to watch Denzel Washington and Keanu Reeves be brothers, I’d recommend Kenneth Branagh. That has the bonus of having the funnier version of Dogberry, the tragic hero of the entire play. Both are excellent, and worth your time.

Most Romantic Nicolas Cage: City of Angels

This happened.

            A movie list that doesn’t mention Nicolas Cage? The man has literally done every genre. Superhero? Indiana Jones ripoff? Die Hard in a…? Comedy? Academy Award Winning? (Hi, Leo! One of you seven, forward this to Leonardo DiCaprio.)  Of course he can do drama. In this case we return to the time when Meg Ryan and Julia Roberts were competing weekly in underground fight clubs to determine who would be America’s Sweetheart, and Meg Ryan got the chance to be the romantic lead in this tale of an angel who falls in love with a human. That angel is Nicolas Cage. Yes, the ending is tragic (Spoiler for an 18 year old movie) in that she dies, but the point is you get to see Nicolas Cage at his most romantic. And really, isn’t that what Valentine’s Day is about?

         Fun fact, I once took a date to this movie. It was our first. There was not a second. 

Most Romantic Movie: The Princess Bride

Don't hassle him. He's been mostly dead all day

             Seriously, this movie has literally everything… sword fighting, revenge, true love, rodents of unusual size, Carey Elwes, Andre the Giant, fire swamps… If you really know nothing about this movie, then go watch it now. Not even for Valentine’s Day. Just… go check it out. I can’t even be funny about it.

Best Valentine’s Day Movie: Scott Pilgrim vs. The World

pictured: True love

            I deliberated for a long time about what I felt the best movie for this, the holiday with the most love except for my Birthday. And I really had to settle on one: Scott Pilgrim vs. the World.

            It’s a tale as old as time itself: a young man falls in love with a woman, and together they grow up while dealing with each other’s baggage. In this case, the baggage happens to be Scott’s inability to grow up and take responsibility for himself, and in Romana’s case, her seven evil ex’s who are going to try to kill Scott in hilarious, video-game style combat. It’s heavier than it sounds.

            What makes this movie so spectacular is its ability to mix a dramatic subject like real love – the type of love that requires real work, not just a few “I love yous” or “you complete mes” or [insert Nicolas Sparks plot here] – And present it in a comedy format, one that is frantic and features a lot of people exploding into coins. Plus, Captain America fighting Michael Cera. I’m not really sure where else you’re going to find that.

            I could go on with others, but really, remember at the end of the day that Valentine’s Day… like any other holiday… was invented for some reason or another. Finding love isn’t the end-all/be-all of existence, and it’s definitely not worth Roses with a mildly severe markup for a day because the red heart on the calendar tells you so.  The best thing you can do with this day is what you do with every day… sit back, relax, and put on a good movie. 

Movie Analysis: Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

What is about zombies that continues to fascinate us? They don’t have a motivation like a vampire, and even if they’re driven by impulse they’re not agile like a Werewolf. They’re not articulate enemies, so they can’t really monologue before you kill them. They don’t have motivation. They just… are. One isn’t even particularly scary. Even on the Walking Dead we’ve gotten to the point where one or two is a nuisance. 

But they persist. We see them on TV in at least three TV shows, one where a zombie is working as a medical examiner and has the superpower to solve crimes by eating their brains. There’s the zany antics of Z-Nation which most recently killed a bunch of zombies with a block of cheese. And there’s the aforementioned The Walking Dead where the main theme seems to be bad decisions, sweat, not saying the word “zombie”, and trying to make parts of George look like the area around Washington, D.C. (Pro tip, there would be a lot more cars. Like… a lot.) We’ve seen them reinvented, Twilighted (Thanks, Warm Bodies for our requisite Romantic Zombie), hunted by Abraham Lincoln, parodies, and they’ll continue to remake Dawn of the Dead until sometime after the actual zombie apocalypse, in which case it will be a documentary.

Of course, all of this leads up to the most recent zombie film (Which I hope I can say since it came out on Friday, and there very well could have been seven more released between now and then) Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.

That’s right. We don’t just have zombies. We have literary zombies!

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies is pretty much all in the title. It’s Jane Austen’s classic tale, but with more zombies added in for good measure.

Ok, it’s more complicated than that.

It’s the tale of Lizzy Bennet and her sisters, all of whom her mother wishes to have married off at some point because back in that day apparently women were only good for marriage. Oh, and in this case, zombie slaying, because the movie is set in a world where zombie hoards are constantly attacking various places in England, and much of the culture has been changed to reflect that. For instance, Mr. Darcy, the eventual love of Lizzy (spoilers… I guess….) is now Col. Darcy, one of the generals in the war against zombies. He is called “Mr. Darcy” by Lizzy’s constant refusal to acknowledge him in his military rank. The girls are trained in the art of killing zombies, with some interesting moments I’ll mention when I get to the analysis. But the story is the same: Lizzy and her sisters lives are shaken up by the arrival of Col… um, Mr. Darcy and Mr. Bingley. Jane falls for Bingley, they leave, Pastor Collins shows up, tries to marry one of his cousins, Darcy sends his letter. There’s the evil Wickham who is made less of a jerk and more of mustache twirling villain in this particular version. All of this in the backdrop that an minute a hoard of zombies will burst through the gates, destroying them all. 

And that’s what works about the movie. The movie itself is essentially “Pride and Prejudice”. There’s no post apocalyptic vibe to the movie. Lizzy and her family still lives on a lavish estate, and the zombies are more of a nuisance rather than a major threat for most of the movie. The love story: Lizzy, believing she doesn’t need love vs. Darcy, who is too shy to admit he is in love, plays out as usual, with the occasional break in the action for… well, zombie action.

What works about this movie is the world they created, one that honors the original book’s satirical look at aristocracy but adds in this additional threat level. I’d argue that the movie actually takes it to a different level. Early on, it’s mentioned that these aristocrats actually train and are expected to be able to fight off zombies on their own - no damseling for these ladies who, in the original book and this, are essentially hunting for husbands as well as zombie flesh. (They should have let me write the tagline.) But the movie goes a step further, the really rich are trained in special schools in Japan, while rich but not as rich as the others train in China. Lizzy and her family trains in China, and this becomes an actual plot point later, as Lizzy is mocked for her “poor” training, despite the fact that she and her sisters are seen mowing down a hoard of zombies early on.

Another note before I get back to the analysis, this is another part of the idea of zombies that fascinates me: the idea that one isn’t scary (as mentioned before) but a hoard of them is terrifying. But rather than having our methods of taking care of them: The most recent Walking Dead features a gentleman picking up a rocket launcher that better come into play pretty soon, here we have zombies attacking when weapons involved 20 minutes of reloading. That adds another level of terror, quite frankly, as they can’t just jump in their cars and run away. Being thrown off a horse spooked by a zombie is a major point for Jane. (Who does manage to kill the zombie.)

There’s even this level of aristocracy among the zombies as (spoiler again) there is introduced a level of aristocratic zombie, that being those bitten but those who haven’t consumed their first set of brains, so they decay, but they retain some humanity. So, essentially what is crafted is a movie that adds zombies to a classic, but retains much of what Jane Austen set to do in her satiric take on aristocracy and love: make fun of the hell out of it. What’s lost is that this is a largely satiric book to begin with, with most of the characters being parodies of what Jane Austen was observing at the time. This movie heightens that. 

The most pivotal scene to me, is the scene in the ball where Mrs. Bennet is discussing her joy at having Mr. Bingley show interest in Jane. This is the scene that ends up driving Mr. Darcy to tell Bingley to run away from this mess of a family. But during this scene Lizzy tries to stop her mother from talking in this way, and she playfully bites her. The filmmakers here are linking the two satires: in the biting of her daughter she is showing her one track mind of getting them married off, while linking to the humor of having zombies, and their one track mind for consuming flesh, now involved in this revered book. 

I will admit that it falls apart a little bit in the final act as it becomes a standard “rescue” story. Wickham still steals Lydia (essentially) and Darcy makes some questionable decisions under a forced timeline (Will Lizzy and Darcy make it to the bridge before it’s destroyed? Yes. Yes tehy will.) and it’s a little bit of a shame that it loses the brilliance introduced in the first two acts of the film to be a standard zombie film with the faceless hoards now descending upon our heroes. But its a small price to pay to see Matt Smith as Pastor Collins, marrying off the woman for whom he’d been pining for a large portion of the film. 

I do recommend this movie, yes, even for Austen Purists. It’s a fascinating look at Austen and the world she creates through the lens of the undead. 

How Groundhog Day Taught Me The Meaning of Life

It’s obvious at this point, I love movies. They’ve been important to me since my father took me to a little movie called Ghostbusters and I can remember the first images of the lion statues appeared across from some scary music. It changed my life, actually.  And as an extreme lover of movies who regularly plans out what he’ll be seeing sometimes months in advance (Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, this weekend!) I often get asked, “What’s your favorite movie?” 

To me, that’s a very complicated question. 

My go-to is usually The Big Lebowski. How can anyone really not admire a movie so perfectly crafted around a guy who wants his rug back set in a noir world of fake kidnapping, evil Germans (one played by Flea), artists, con artists… the movie really has everything anyone could want in a movie. Endlessly quotable, set in the past when it was made so it never feels dated… just perfect.

It’s more complicated than that. I love that movie, but for terms of movie that is perfectly crafted while still managing to raise questions, I love Birdman. Is it all in his head? Was it real? Is Michael Keaton in love with fame, or is he showing how losing it can literally destroy you? Man. What a great movie. 

I could go on. I love the chemistry in the recent remake of Man from UNCLE. Mad Max: Fury Road is textbook how you make a character driven movie set against the back drop of a giant car chase. Young Frankenstein, Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz, and Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid shows that in order to parody your material, you must first love it. The Man Who Knew Too Little shows us that Bill Murray can elevate any movie, unless it largely features uber-redhead Emma Stone trying to play an asian. I digress.

But to me, there’s one movie that stand out above them all as the movie that explains just how life words. It’s a movie that’s extremely special to me. And that movie, appropriate for today, is Groundhog Day.

If you don’t know what Groundhog Day is about… seriously? You don’t know what one of the greatest movies of all time is about? It’s about life. That’s what it’s about. It’s about a weatherman named Phil Connors, played deftly by THE Bill Murray, who gets stuck in a time loop on Groundhog Day. There he learns to appreciate his life. I promise you if you turn on the television, today, it will be on.

On the surface the movie is pretty simple with a message that’s about as subtle as the monster in It Follows. You have to learn to appreciate your surroundings, you have to learn to be a better person, etc. It’s a loud message, and one I wouldn’t normally appreciate in a movie because the message is so loud and in your face. By the time Phil is bringing pastries to everyone and playing the piano at a random couple’s wedding, it’s pretty obvious that he’s a changed man. And, according to the script, it only took 10,000 years. (The script had a lot that wasn’t in the movie. He was in the loop for 10,000 years, and he was there because of a witch’s curse. Again, this is how you make a movie: You know why it happened, you just don’t tell everything. You don’t, for instance, pan your camera across a bunch of people trying to have sex, then a happy family that’s out of danger, then back to a couple have sex. I apparently still have some issues with It Follows, and how it managed to fool everyone into people thinking it’s good. Another post for another day, I suppose…)

The big message of Groundhog Day is not in the giant flashing billboard at the end: Be a better person. The big message of the classic Groundhog Day is this: It’s ok to get things wrong.

Yes, the movie is about Phil Connor, a weatherman so despicable but just redeemable enough that you like him. It also helps that he’s played by Bill Murray, who’s got a charisma that everyone should love. Now. If you don’t love his charisma, what is wrong with you? But the entire movie is about how he gets it wrong, for so long. When he first realizes he’s stuck in a loop and that “tomorrow doesn't matter”, he ends up in prison. He uses his abilities to rob, to mess with people… at one point to hork all the pastries in a diner like the end of the world was just around the corner. (Again, he had no tomorrow.) He even enters an existential despair and ends up killing himself, repeatedly. Because he keeps getting it wrong.

It’s that wrongness that is at the heart of the movie. Even as he moves into the idea of getting things right - romancing Andi McDowell in a way that doesn’t end in a hilarious slap montage - he’s still stuck in the loop, because it’s not about the one thing in his life that he needs to change. It’s never about accepting love into his heart, it’s about accepting himself. And it’s only through accepting himself and learning to enjoy his life that he’s able to change anything. But he can’t get there if he just learns his lesson, because the movie would be about 20 minutes long. And 20 minutes of Bill Murray is better than 20 minutes of no Bill Murray, it’s not what we’re supposed to focus on. We need to focus on those mistakes. We need to focus on what we’re doing wrong, but mostly…we have to allow ourselves to be wrong. We have to allow ourselves to make those mistakes that end up changing us. It’s not even about focusing on doing things wrong, it’s allowing ourselves to fail.

We live in a world where failure has bigger stakes than ever before. We live in a world where too many people are looking for our failures, and are rooting for them in an effort to destroy us in some way. We live in a world where it’s scarier than ever to fail… it gets broadcast everywhere! But we have to let ourselves fail. That’s the true message to Groundhog Day. The movie. No, the lesson of the day itself is that we listen to rodents who predict the weather because why not. But failure… failure is still the beautiful thing I keep telling everyone. If you want a movie about the real meaning of life, this is the movie to go to. We need to accept our failures, then get up the next day to “I Got You Babe” and keep moving on. It’s ok to be sad. It’s ok to let a setback hurt you for a bit. But at some point you have to put on those slippers, grab that rodent from the hole, and learn to love what’s going on around you. 

For that, we thank Bill Murray. A teacher of all lessons. 

By Grapthar's Hammer, You Will Be Missed

         

           

“I do take my work seriously and the way to do that is not to take yourself too seriously” 

         Did you know that Galaxy Quest was voted the 7^th Best Star Trek movie of all time, which is impressive since it has the handicap of not being a Star Trek movie, and being a parody of the series, fans, and actors? I say parody, but what I mean is a loving tribute to the Star Trek series, by someone who has obviously been a fan for years. It’s about a group of actors who were on a popular science fiction show that was cancelled and developed a cult following. They soon discover that a group of Aliens have been using the show as a guide to build their civilization, and soon get those actors to help save their galaxy.

            One of those actors is their version of Leonard Nimoy, in this movie called Alexander Dane. Alexander is a Shakespearean actor who can’t believe he took ths part as the alien Doctor Lazarus who’s catchphrase is “By Grapthar’s Hammer, you shall be avenged.” He hates this line. He vows to never say it, despite the number of nerds who gleefully say it to him. One of those nerds being one of the aliens who lived his life as Doctor Lazarus, and annoys him by spouting this phrase.

            It’s a funny recurring gag. Alan Rickman sells it with his exasperation each time it’s uttered to him.

            Late in the movie that alien is killed, and lays dying in Alexander Dane’s arms. Alexander looks at the alien and tells him that line. This time it’s with a gravity and emotion that is unlike anything we’ve seen in the movie so far. It’s a devastating scene that could have easily been cheesy or overplayed. It could have been a big laugh line, but instead it’s one of the serious moments in an otherwise light movie.

            That’s how I’m going to remember Alan Rickman.

            I was saddened to hear of his passing on January 14^th. As with any actor I admire, I have to process what it means that he’s gone. This was the man who brought so many great characters to life. This was the man that JK Rowling had in mind when writing the iconic character of Severus Snape, going so far as to tell him how the book series ended to get him to play the part.

            I, like many people, will remember him as one of the only people to actually get close to stopping Bruce Willis in Die Hard. Or as the voice of the depressed robot Marvin in Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Or as the hand-picked voice of God himself in Dogma.

            The thing about Alan Rickman is that he could do high class British Drama, then turn around and hang out with Kevin Smith and his stoner buddies and never once feel like he’s “slumming it”. He was an actor that always did his best, whether he was facing off against Bruce Willis, or if he was trying to get Rowan Atkinson to tie a package faster so his wife can’t see what he’s doing.  He was Alan Rickman. He was a reminder to put your best into everything, even if the actor you’re going up against is playing the world’s most famous English outlaw, and can’t be bothered to speak in an English accent.

            So, today we say goodbye to another great. As the man influenced me and how I watch movies, I felt it appropriate to eulogize him on Bad Shakespeare.  His roles always delighted me, and even if I saw a bad movie starring Alan Rickman, I never saw a bad Alan Rickman performance.  His was a lesson to put your all into every role, and to make your mark.

            Goodbye, Alan Rickman. Your presence will be missed.

Bless Us, Oh Cage for a Wonderful Good Bad Movie Season

           Well, it’s that time of year. The Christmas Decorations are either down or staying up until they become a glorious reminder of Easter. Holiday Sales are slowly morphing into a reminder that Valentine’s Day is the next Holiday you have to look forward to, and that doesn’t come with days off.  Star Wars: The Force Awakens has blessed our screens and will continue to do so up until Episode VIII at this point. And sadly, movies switch from their high profile Oscar bait to… well, let’s just say, “the rest.”

            Yes, it’s time for Good Bad Movie Season, and our Protector over this particular season, St. Nicolas Cage. For who knows better than how to make a bad movie better than the King of all bad movies, Nicolas Cage. And I say that affectionately. He is the King, in so many ways.

            Prestige Season is always a little bittersweet for me. On the one hand, a lot of good movies come out. On the other, I tend to avoid them so I can give you a fresh perspective during the Oscar Movie Marathon coming up in February, and yes, Bad Shakespeare and Crew will be there in all of our glory. So I don’t have a lot of superlatives. Hunger Games was a little disappointing. Star Wars was amazing. So was Creed. Spectre was pretty cool, if you like throwbacks and thought experiments where the movie that was being parodied stole from the parody. Crimson Peak was chock full of Tom Hiddleston and ghostly goodness. And Jessica Chastain totally nailed the fourteen or so movies she was in.

            Anyway, it is time once again for us to bow our heads and say a little prayer to St. Nicolas Cage so he blesses us with a good Good Bad Movie season, and I have to tell you, it looks awesome, between Deadpool, Batman v. Superman, and Kung Fu Panda. But, time will tell, as it holds us over between our last awesome movie, and Captain America: Civil War.

            Let’s begin.

Bless us oh, Cage,

For these they gifts we are about to receive

Including straight from the page

Of Pride and Prejudice… and Zombies

Let us not forget about Pandas so Jolly

That will be hilarious and you

Will help us laugh at his folly

As we enjoy the antics of a Panda doing Kung Fu

After his last movie

In which he was replaced with a fool

Ryan Reynolds will gift us

With the character of Deadpool

One is faster than a speeding bullet

The other is dressed like a bat

But together they’ll fight

Batman v. Superman is where it’s at

We’re also gifted with a few Oscar Holdovers

Leo fights bears in the Revenant

The Finest Hours has us looking for cover

With those Ride Along 2 can join us--- Cage sent

Let us not forget the other movies that have been dumped

Zac Effron and Robert DeNiro

The theater we will jump

And Jane Got a Gun… moved from twenty one zero

There will be movies for Adults Young

With the Allegiant and Fifth Wave

And London will Fall in a sequel to be hung

And with a new city for Gerard Butler to save

There’s also Zootopia

But don’t ask Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

It’s an animated hoopla

The other is with Tina Fey – she’s hot.

Tom Hiddleston will sing with a country twang

The Huntsman will war, without Snow White

The Rings will scare us with tooth and fang

And Melissa McCarthy is the Boss – A comedy out of sight

There are so many others, I can’t fit in here

But Cage bless those with the power you send

As I go off to get more beer

And may this Good Bad Movie Season can wrap up… Amen.

            There you go! Your thrice annual reminder that I’m not really a poet, but I enjoy myself. How many of those movies will I end up getting to? Hopefully a good chunk, so I can report back before… SUMMER MOVIE SEASON gets into full swing! We’re only four months away!

Bad Shakespeare's Favorite Movie of 2015

             

            There have been a lot of good movies this year.

            I know I haven’t seen even half of the movies that have been released, but wow, it seems like there’s a lot. And while that might disqualify me from picking a favorite movie of the year pretty much any other time, this is the internet age, when all you really need to be a movie reviewer is to have a keyboard and have seen a movie. You don’t need much else. And apparently you don’t even need to get the facts right, just pick the part of the movie that outraged you, then go ahead and spew that outrage.

            Whew. Moving on. I should note one of my resolutions is to stop looking at so many manufactured controversies about movies on the internet.

            I do love movies, that that above little outburst is from the trend recently that just about every movie needs to have a hidden message, and the need to dissect a movie ten seconds after viewing. Look, I’m not going to claim to be an expert on them, I’m a guy who loves movies… so I go see as many as possible. And I like to pick my favorite movie of the year as part of… well, my blog. And I try to put in a little bit more analysis so I’m not just reviewing the movie, but trying to point out why I like it a little bit. It’s all for you, the reader, is what I tell myself as I’m sitting through my ninth movie of the day.

            This year was difficult, because there have been so many great movies, stuff I genuinely liked. A few of them are on top ten lists, one of them in particular isn’t on any end of year lists, and it has been rattling around in my brain for a few months now, so, I’m giving this particular movie the edge.  As for my criteria, it has to be a movie I enjoy, something that I thought was kind of unique, and something that I viewed multiple times. Ultimately, I ended up with four movies that really hit me. So, this post is going to be my top FOUR movies of the year.

4. The End of the Tour.

I went back and fourth as to whether or not I enjoyed this movie, or if I found it to be an exploitative cash grab based around a less-successful writer who got to write about a really successful writer. The movie is about the interview of David Foster Wallace (Jason Segel) by David Lipsky (Jesse Eisenberg). It’s based on Lipsky’s best selling memoir, which is a series of interviews Lipsky conducted following the publication of Infinite Jest, a novel so wonderful that early scenes indicate that Lipsky would like to eat it out of sheer jealousy.

            The movie, however, is deeper than I gave it credit for early on. It’s a fascinating look at fame and who we are. Wallace never really wanted that fame, he wanted his words out there, and the scenes where he’s being interviewed or where he has to be “on” are almost uncomfortable to watch. It’s about friendship, and who we consider a friend, and what that means. Wallace is comforted by his dogs. Lipsky, can’t wait to tear open a package from Wallace late in the film. This is a movie made up of so many tiny scenes, it’s like one of those giant LEGO tapestries.

 My best compliment I can give, however, is that about 10 minutes into the movie I no longer felt I was watching actors, but the characters themselves. Eisenberg and Segel fade into their characters so perfectly that the entire movie watches more like a really well done documentary without having to cut away. I enjoyed this movie the more and more I think about it. I just want to keep studying it, see if I can’t find more of a way to approach it. I will be watching this movie for years to come.

It was enough to make me add a fourth slot to my “Film of the Year” post, after all.

3. Mad Max: Fury Road

            Oh, what a lovely day. Of course this had to make the list. Yes, I’ve heard all of the complaints and this is one of the films that makes it difficult to love movies in the internet age, as it’s dissected before it’s on the screen, but it’s movies like this that make me LOVE movies.

            I could go over the plot again, but hell, it’s been discussed a lot. Go read one of those. I love the fact that despite Tom Hardy taking over the role, we still have the basics about Max that make things important: Max wants to survive, and he gets drawn into a larger plot that he really doesn’t care about. But with over the top practical stunts, costumes, and characters in a word that is fully imagined, it’s difficult to not include this movie on my best of list. If the previous movie is an example of what makes characters in movies great, this is an example of what makes a movie great: attention to detail that other movies need. Each scene is crafted lovingly by an artist who knows what he wants to convey.

            There’s also the actors, who don’t treat this like they’re in a “dumb science fiction movie” but treat it with all of the respect that a movie like this deserves. It’s incredible the way the actors treat each scene in a jaded, yet still hopeful manner. In some ways they’ve given up, in others, they’re still fighting as agents for change.

            It’s a fantastic look at what makes movies… well, movies.

2. Star Wars: The Force Awakens.

            Duh. This was going to make the list. It was a late-breaking addition, one that almost… ALMOST supplanted my number one, but I just couldn’t do it. I’ll be completely honest with you. But I have very unique reasons for adding this to the list.

            This is another movie that’s frustrating in the age of Internet critics. I’ve heard it compared to A New Hope, basically saying they’re the same movie. Of course, saying that The Force Awakens is the same as A New Hope is like saying that Harry Potter and Hamlet are the same because they both take place in a castle.

            What makes The Force Awakens work is that is manages to take what we loved about the original movies, and address them in some way. There’s no parting shot of  Dameron Poe and Rey Last Name Probably Skywalker getting their medals as they’ve defeated the First Order’s Death Star Starkiller Base. Instead we get a real serial (You remember when you were happy that these were Space Serials, George Lucas) cliffhanger ending where Rey goes off to find Luke Skywalker. Yes, a young woman with cool Jedi Powers (visible from her first scene, FYI) is found on a desert world, mirroring the introduction of two other Jedi, but her story is very different, as she doesn’t want to leave that world.

            This is very much a story of a young woman not wanting to change her destiny, despite the fact that everything is forcing her in that direction. People love to point out… BB-8 got the plans to find Luke, just like R2 got the plans for the Death Star! But like to forget that not only were the circumstances different, but the outcome was different as well.  BB-8 was given his own journey, not to find a mystical space Wizard. And it shows in his personality, he’s not a lone droid stranded on a planet, he’s part of a larger mission. The best thing this story does: whereas A New Hope is presented as a story that sorta knew a little bit about what maybe happened in the past, The Force Awakens gleefully accepts that every person on their knows the legend of Luke, Han, and Leia, albeit in a twisted manner.

            This is where The Force Awakens succeeds. In taking elements that are familiar to us, but giving a new spin to it. Even Kylo Ren is fighting his natural urge away from the Dark Side of the Force.  The even darker implication is that his part of the story is twisted, as he looks towards Darth Vader for strength, forgetting that he turned his back on the Dark Side for his family. All the similarities are presented as a way to put together a story that is obsessed with legends in a new and unique manner.

            Also, space wizards and light swords.

            So, we’ve come to my final pick for movie of the year. And it very much is movie of the year for me. It’s my favorite movie I’ve seen, and one I quite frankly felt didn’t get the respect it deserved this past year, dumped early in February after changing positions from a more prominent release date last year. But to me, it’s a very well put together movie that is, above all else: Enjoyable. It’s also probably only going to make one person’s list, and that’s mine, so revel in it.

            Bad Shakespeare’s movie of 2015 is…

1         

                         Kingsman: The Secret Service.

For a while, each one of the aforementioned movies were in my top spot for movie of the year. It was also briefly Creed (which barely didn’t make the list but didn’t quite exceed The End of the Tour)  and Avengers: Age of Ultron (Because of the many manufactured controversies around it, I wanted to give it some love) but at the end of the day, I keep going back to this well put together class drama wrapped up in a brilliant spy parody.

For those who don’t remember, this was the one with Samuel L. Jackson as a lisping supervillain who can’t stand the sight of blood, the lady with the bionic legs of death, and Colin Firth in his least Colin Firth role in years as spy Harry Hart, who takes the young “Eggsy” under his wing.

For me, this is one of the best movies I’ve seen in years. With a conspiracy that’s timely (Climate Change) and a villain who’s not just over the top, but reminiscent of the celebrities we worship today. Throw in some cool action sequences, and you have yourself a fantastic movie.

What put this movie over the top for me was the extreme attention to detail the filmmakers put into everything. The fight scene gets a lot of love for it’s five minutes in a single take action, but for me the scene that will be one of the best of 2015 is the Harry Hart/Valentine sit down where they talk about old spy movies. It’s a little on the nose, and I doubt any other actors other than Samuel L. Jackson or Colin Firth could pull it off as well.  But it’s a scene that’s tense and comedic, all at once.

There’s also the aforementioned commentary on class, which has it’s obvious parts, but also it’s extremely subtle moments as well. Eggsy may be from a lower class than these spies that consider themselves high class (who ironically all came from a serving class) but when Michael Caine threatens Eggsy while dying, you get the little reminders that he may not be as high class as he thinks himself. Accents and language are used heavily in this movie to give us a subtle look at class structure. It was really well put together.

Simply put, this is just a well-constructed, well-acted, and sadly overlooked movie, that is worthy of your time. I doubt I’ll get it right like I did last year with Birdman, but hey… I’d rather be happy than right.

Whelp, that’s it for this year’s Movie of the Year. 2016 looks to be an epic year with Ghostbusters, Star Trek Beyond, and of course, Batman v Superman. All declared to be flops by the internet, months before they come out. But hey… I’m going to go enjoy them. Because like I said, my vow this year, and it should be yours, is to avoid manufactured controversies, ignore movies that “are so gonna suck” and just go see them. Enjoy movies, because they’re movies. Because they’re fun. And I’m looking forward to analyzing them with you this year, too.

            Oh, I’m also looking forward to Star Wars: Rogue One and Deadpool. There’s also another Kung Fu Panda. Really I should just get a job where I can watch movies all the time.

My Year in Review

I always find the passing of any sort of time milestone interesting. On the one hand, time is a human invention. Cats don’t really care if it’s 11:03, what they care about is if it’s feeding time, and if it’s not feeding time when why isn’t it yet feeding time. But humans have set up an entire system based on the idea that it’s 11:03, and that it’s perfectly acceptable to each lunch at 11:00, but not 10:59, so yes, cats, 11:03 is technically time to eat.

New Year’s Day is no different, really. At some point, 2016 years ago, someone set up a calendar and said that the year they were in was 0. Now that it was 0, the next year would be 1, and so forth. I’m sure it made the year end recaps sort of interesting, but at the end of the day it was what someone decided. Thus, the concept of time as more than a method to show when it was safer to plant crops or that you’re less likely to encounter a bear was born.

I don’t know too much about this. I’m making things up for dramatic effect. But the bottom line is, eventually the passing of one year to the next became a giant celebration involving hats and standing outside in a cold city WAY longer than our ancestors would have. In fact, they would have taken the cold as a sign that they should probably be inside.

It’s always surreal for me when time changes like this. I do reflect back to when things change like this. Big moments usually denote some kind of chance to think back and wonder… where they hell the time went. Did I waste it? Or did I spend it doing something important, or at least what I consider important? (Doctor Who Marathons aren’t going to watch themselves, people.) And yeah… this year was important.

When I did quit my internship for the many reasons I’ll eventually be brave enough to tell you, my mentor teacher did request that I tell the class why it was that I was quitting when I did. I told them the truth, because at that point what truth wasn’t I going to tell them? I wanted to study abroad, I wanted to do something different, I wanted to write. I wanted to present papers at conferences, and get published.

Other than get published, 2015 is the year that I did all of that. 

I went to England to study theatre. Not just watch a few plays, but immerse myself in it in a way I never thought possible, even going so far as to travel to Stratford Upon Avon… WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE’S HOMETOWN… to watch a play written by the man himself. I was able to walk around the streets of London, Cardiff, Edinburgh… for no other reason than I was a scholar, studying what I wanted to study. I went to Ireland to study great literature, to learn how to hon my craft, and to learn how to pour the perfect pint of Guiness. That last part wasn’t school sponsored, although I went there with my instructor. But I left the country to study twice this year. Seriously, for two whole months out of the 12, I was in Europe, and had access to much getter chocolate. I’m just saying.

I taught. I started my own tutoring business, which got a lot stronger this year. I’m up to four families I’m tutoring, and all of them are making great improvements. But 2015 is also the year that I managed to teach at the college level! I taught my first college level class, and it was strange but pretty amazing. It was also chock full of Firefly and Simpsons references, as one might expect from a class taught by me. 

And, of course, I continued my studies, taking amazing classes in Literature, studying with world known instructors. One of my instructors even managed to help me present a paper at a conference, and the Cultural Conference will forever know more about Green Arrow thanks to me. Whether that’s good or bad, you’ll have to ask them.

My whole point is, at this time of year its easy important to focus on the good. I travelled far this year, metaphorically and literally, logging more hours on an airplane and going forward to reach my goals. And the thing is, I didn’t really realize it while it was happening. I just sort of… went with it, and it made the year that much better. I still have a ways to go, and I have big plans of what I’d like to accomplish as this year starts up… but this past year has proven that I can do it.

This is also the part of the year when people make resolutions. Little things they hope to change in order to make their lives better. Lofty ones, like lose weight or read more, and then without a definition of what they are, they continue to slide until it’s November and they wonder why they haven’t reached that goal. I’m not saying don’t make those resolutions. I’m just saying slow down a little bit, and make smaller ones, one’s that you’ll keep. 

As for me? I know why I want to do, mostly to lose weight and start reading more. Of course I have to narrow it down. But for my resolutions… well, I’m going to be making some changes. That I’ll probably be posting here, on Bad Shakespeare, as they happen.

Looking forward to a wonderful New Year, everyone. Here’s hoping 2016 is just as exciting.