The Best of Summer 2014, As Voted by Me.

  


     Best of lists are hard. 

Oh, worst of lists are easy. Basically I just think about the movies that made me want to get up and leave the theater, or bored me to the point that I didn’t want to watch a movie anymore.

It’s really easy to say what I liked. It’s even easier to say what I hated. But Best of lists… they’re really difficult to put together. Especially because, looking at my best of list, it really doesn’t match a lot of what the critics say. Not that I care much about critics, I’m going to like what I’m going to like, but when you start think about what makes something “best” how do you narrow it down? Do you look for actors you like? Do you look for great moments in cinema history? Or do you just think back to the movies you enjoyed. I’m not famous enough yet to be bribed into writing good reviews. 

I can remember one of my favorite websites, the AV Club, once gave a great review to A Very Harold and Kumar 3-D Christmas. Some people went nuts, but the guy who wrote it said that it delivered on all it’s promises, and he liked it. So with that in mind, I’m presenting my favorite movies… not because they matched some scale of “goodness” but because I liked them. They were my favorite movies this summer.

But first… 

There’s always a “but first” with me. That’s just how I roll. First, let’s talk about the ones that were just below what I decided my top five of the summer were going to be.  These didn’t make the list of my favorites, but they’re worth checking out.

Wish I Was Here. As I’ve mentioned, we’re all supposed to hate Zach Braff. I understand that, and I don’t care. But I didn’t see another movie this summer that managed to speak to me the same way as this one. It wasn’t the overlong music video, but it was about a man reconnecting with his family, his past, and his imagination, while following his dream. There were just a few things that made it hang just below my list, thought.

If I Stay/The Fault In Our Stars. I’m lumping these together. These show that you don’t have to add in a bunch of scenes or try to insult the intelligence of people who didn’t read the book… you present the story as it was written. A few things were changed, and Fault isn’t on my best of list because it managed to cut my favorite line from the book, and the scene in the Anne Frank house was a little too long and a little too… something. I can’t quite put my finger on it. However they were both pretty good movies that are good for a nice cry. I was particularly happy with the endings, which could have been changed for movie goers, but the filmmakers stuck to their guns. Especially Stay, which really could have been changed to bring more closure.

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes. Perhaps one of the best stories about war and the people who want it that I’ve ever seen, but with apes. This one stuck with me for a little bit, because it was a great story about a leader who just wanted to save his people. When Oscar time comes, they’ll overlook this, and they’ll overlook Andy Serkis’ performance, and that’s a shame. 

Those are the four that are hanging out just below my top five, in no particular order. They’re ones you should check out if you enjoy movies. 

So, without further ado or gilding the lily, here are my top five movies of Summer 2014, starting with number five.

5. Sin City: A Dame to Kill For. One of the things I measure in a movie is whether or not I wanted  it to end. As much as I wanted Transformers: Age of Extinction to end with the  fifteenth giant robot fight, I was actually a little sad when the credits came up on this one. Shot just as the first one in black and white with some coloring and the same noir feel, I just couldn’t leave the world that Frank Miller put into this. 

I never thought I’d enjoy spending so much time in a crime ridden city. I enjoyed all of the extra touches, I enjoyed the voice overs, and yes, I even enjoyed the cheesy dialogue.  This was an amazing film that I think will get overlooked because it did manage to bomb in the box office, and that’s sad. It really captured the look and the feel of the comics.

The performances were amazing. Noir acting takes a special kind of ability. Oh, you can do bad acting (Nicolas Cage) or do fantastic acting (Nicolas Cage, when he’s trying) but to get the noir acting down… to be bad but make it sound good… that’s tough. That’s some extra special Nicolas Cage acting right there. The tough thing about casting The titular Dame to kill for, Ava, is that you need someone who is believable enough, even in the noir setting, to pull off a character that people will… well, kill for. I wish I could say it more elegantly than that. But Eva Green manages to vamp it up in a way that spoke to old school black and white noir but still modern. 

Just… fantastic. I don’t know there’s another word for it. 

4. Let’s Be Cops. Enjoy this, Let’s Be Cops. I have a feeling that you’re going to be on exactly one best of list this year, but I’m honored that it’s mine.

So, why is Let’s Be Cops on here when I just went through a list of four perfectly good movies. Because it’s fun. Every summer there’s a comedy that comes out that everyone overlooks. Maybe because it doesn’t have the biggest names. Maybe it’s dumped later in August. Maybe It just doesn’t have the biggest advertising budget. Maybe it was pushed back from January and everyone assumes it’s going to be bad. Who knows. But that comedy holds a special place, because it’s just fun. 

Let’s Be Cops is on here because it wasn’t a big vehicle/comeback for Adam Sandler in his comedy days. It wasn’t sponsored by Apple and tried to reteam Jason Segal with Cameron Diaz. It didn’t spend it’s entire movie with one message, then pull back to another message that they thought you should know. It was fun. It was a buddy action comedy about two nothings that decide to masquerade as cops. They made stupid jokes. They realized they were doing something illegal. 

It was a fun movie. And sometimes, we’re so serious in our “fun” that we tend to forget that movies should be fun. I admire Let’s Be Cops and it’s makers for just coming up with a dumb premise and going with it, big time. Also, it had some fun action sequences, and a pretty decent story that got mixed up in the previews that just wanted to show the dumb fun they were going to be. The sad part is, this will be forgotten, when what we really need are more movies like this. Movies where the actors, writers, directors… all just have fun.

Plus, it probably has the best use of the song “Wrecking Ball” that I’ve ever seen. Almost one of the funniest movies of the summer, but sadly, lost out to my next pick.

                                         

3. 22 Jump Street. Reboots had no business being as good as 21 Jump Street. Sequels have no business being as good as 22 Jump Street, which isn’t so much a movie sequel about the two cops that supposedly look young, but a movie about sequels.

“Just do what you did last time” is the mantra for most of the movie. And the characters follow it, for the most part. But the real fun comes when they start to realize that they’re just doing everything they did last time, and start to do things differently. 

Plus, the fact that they went ahead and spoofed all of the other sequels at the end, complete with a “contract dispute” replacement from Seth Rogen made it all the funnier.

And, to be honest, I never had a harder time catching my breath in a theater because I was laughing so hard. The actors just seemed to nail every line, even if they thought it was stupid (or it was stupid), but they sold it. 

I also particularly enjoyed the roommate from hell. Jillan Bell stole the show from the leads, which isn’t an easy task when a scene features Channing Tatum high fiving a room full of police officers because Jonah Hill just had sex with Ice Cube’s daughter. He does so with gusto. A little too much gusto. 

I was afraid this movie wouldn’t be as good. Now I’m afraid because they spoofed sequels already, they may not make another.

                                       

2. Begin Again. This was a quiet movie. Quieter than I’d expect for a summer full of big releases, but I remember not really noticing when this came out. Even the movie itself is quiet at first, featuring an open mic night where no one really cares that Kiera Knightly is sining a heartfelt song about heartbreak, getting ready to go home.

Of course, it leads to the best scene of the summer, where we get to see the whole thing again through the eyes of a washed up producer who arranges the song in his head, adding drums, piano, and a lot of other instruments. 

This was another wow movie for me, thinking I could go in and see how Adam Levine could act, and how Kiera Knightly could sing. Turns out, both do pretty well, although they never do explain how Adam Levine doesn’t have a British accent despite meeting Kiera Knightly and James Corday in England. 

Moving on…

The best part about this movie is that it’s a love story. Not really between Mark Ruffalo and Kiera Knightly, but it’s a love story about music, and passion, and not giving up on what really matters. So many good performances. This was one of two movies that, had I not seen it’s last showing, I probably would have turned around and walked right back into the theater to watch it.

I also enjoyed the fact that despite the heavy themes, they managed to keep things funny, mostly with James Corday as the wacky sidekick, and Cee-Lo as… well, Cee-Lo. But they were never overused, and the main relationship: Mark Ruffalo and music, is never overshadowed at any point.

Plus, like my top movie this summer, it has a really good soundtrack. The premise of the movie is that they’re recording an album on the Streets of New York, and the soundtrack really plays into that. 

My number one pick of the summer is…

                                            

1.  Guardians of the Galaxy. If you can remember way back in the day, Disney came out with a movie called The Emperor’s New Groove. Originally it was called Empire of the Sun, a Prince and the Pauper type tale about a spoiled prince who learns to love with the help of several Sting Songs. It was supposed to be a sweeping epic, filled with drama, love, and all the Disney stuff we’ve come to know.

Then a bunch of animated movies like that flopped, so the writers, actors, and animators went back to the drawing board and said, “forget this. Let’s just do whatever we want.” They replaced Sting with Tom Jones, made the whole thing a wacky buddy comedy, and came up with what I think is one of the best Disney movies of all time. 

I imagine the writer’s room of Guardians of the Galaxy was a lot like that. After watching Iron Man 3 (Tony Stark with PTSD… somehow still less dark than Man of Steel, according to critics) and the thriller that was Captain America: Winter Soldier, they decided that… hey, let’s embrace the weirdness of the Marvel Universe that is Guardians of the Galaxy. 

The movie features, among other things, the half human half whatever Peter Quill, played by noted Parks and Recreation slacker, Chris Pratt. A raccoon that’s been genetically altered and despite the comedy shows more pathos in four seconds than in the entirety of Hercules. A giant tree, who’s death (Oh, you’ve all seen the Dancing Baby Groot clip. Don’t pretend you didn’t know this) actually brings sadness despite the fact that he technically only has the one line. A genetically engineered killer that… oh, forget it, she’s actually kind of cool. And a massive maniac played by a former WWE Champion.

Quick show of hands… how many people ever thought that three academy award nominees and one academy award winner would be in a movie with a talking space raccoon and a former WWE Champion? There should be zero, by the way. I should point out, a former WWE Champion that stole every scene he was in, and was one of the best things in the movie.

Guardians of the Galaxy was just fun. The first few moments that established it… Peter Quill being space abducted just after his mother dies of cancer was a little traumatic, but the movie quickly recovers by having Chris Pratt sing into a lizard microphone while he’s stealing this movie’s particular Macguffin. Yes, I know it’s an infinity stone that’s going to be very important to the next next Avengers movie (not the one coming up. That’s all Ultron.) 

Nothing ever seemed cheesy or forced. It held up well to the comic book, which as undergone a lot of changes. It was endlessly quotable, and had a million and a half easter eggs that brought me back to the theater twice. 

Plus, it was just good. You didn’t need to know a thing about the Guardians of the Galaxy, or any other Marvel movie for that matter, to simply enjoy the craziness. It was just different. I didn’t feel like I was watching the same blockbuster. Even with Captain America: Winter Soldier, which was a great movie, I still felt I was watching a superhero movie. Not a bad thing. But this is just so different. 

Plus… how could you not love dancing baby Groot?

                           

That about wraps up this Best of edition of Bad Shakespeare, and our Summer 2014 movie coverage. Barring a robot uprising, I’ll be covering The Summer 2015 season, which is already shaping up quite nicely. 

If you enjoyed it, make sure you include your dancing baby Groot moments in the comments, or share us on Facebook. Tomorrow, we offer up our prayer to Tom Hanks for the Prestige/Horror movie season. 

Summer 2014 Movie Wrap Up: The Not So Good Movies...

Today, as we look back at the Summer Movie Season that was, we need to address those movies that didn’t quite live up to expectations. 

Every year when Summer Movie Season ends, there’s always the doom and gloom articles about how movies didn’t make as much money, or how they weren’t as good as last year’s movies (which the same website/blog/news/critic/whatever said sucked anyway) or how we’re living in an endless loop of reboots, adaptations, and sequels, forgetting that most movies are reboots, adaptations, or sequels, and have been since the dawn of time. For the most part, they do what they’re supposed to do: entertain us. 

I’ve said before, I usually find summer movies the most entertaining, because they aren’t geared for an audience of several stuffy auteurs who pick which films are going to be the “best” based on some criteria we’ll never know. How 90 minutes of Sandra Bullock screaming was one of the best pictures of the year because they managed to film in the same 3-D that Michael Bay has been using for years is beyond me. 

Regardless, with any movie season, you’re going to get the worst. Why are they bad? Maybe things didn’t quite gel when they started putting everything together. Maybe something was lost in the script, or maybe the director’s original version has been hacked to death by studio or actor interference. Or maybe no one did research to see what a turtle actually looked like. Who knows. Here is my list of my six biggest disappointments of Summer 2014.

Note: It was going to be five, but I had a lot of hate to go around this year. I’m starting with the best of he worst, then moving my way down.

6. Tammy. I love Melissa McCarthy. I’ve loved Melissa McCarthy ever since she was Sookie on Gilmore Girls. (Which featured a lot less nudity and a lot less campy vampires than the other Sookie.) I remember seeing the trailers for Tammy and I was laughing, prepared for a lighthearted road trip comedy from Melissa McCarthy. 

Nope. This probably would have been one of the greatest dramas of the year, probably Oscar worthy (without Sandra Bullock screaming for 90 minutes) if it had been left alone, and marketed not on the comedic value of McCarthy, but rather the fact that she can act and she can do drama. Instead we got a jumbled mess of a movie that wasn’t really sure what it wanted to say. It wasn’t really a comedy. It wasn’t really a drama. It wasn’t really one of those in-between things like Gilmore Girls. It just sort of… was. And it was uncomfortable. 

There were some good moments. But they ensured that every dramatic or comedic moment was undercut with some kind of uncomfortable moment where you weren’t sure if you were supposed to laugh or walk out of the theater. 

5. The Purge: Anarchy. The Purge makes for an interesting concept. Once a year, Americans are allowed to get out all of their violent influences by being able to break any law, with the exception of killing certain people. Some people make it into a game. Some people roam the streets. Just about everyone treats it as a new religion. Anarchy takes it to an interesting new level by having a father (I didn’t catch his name, but it matched his personality) decide he was going to avenge his son, who was killed by a drunk driver. He decides to wait patiently until the Purge so it’s nice and legal, because rage can be quelled for that long. 

However, once again we have a jumble of missed opportunities and “We’re doing a sequelitis” which works for Muppets but not so much for horror/drama/thrillers like Anarchy. And I don’t mean, “We’re making a sequel so we have to do this,” I mean “enjoy this one, because we’re going to be making about fifty more of these and we’re not going to explain things.” 

You see, as it’s explained a few times if you can’t pick up on it, the Purge itself is a secretish Government plot to get rid of the poor people which brings down crime and poverty. Even though there’s still a lot of people living in poverty, because we meet two of them when they’re forcefully dragged from their homes and saved by the dude going to avenge his son. He took his time out of revenging to save some people. 

It turns out, they were dragged from their home and were going to be murdered… (spoilers) by the Government! Because the Purge wasn’t killing enough people. You learn this in the last five seconds of the movie, shortly before the siren sounds and everyone puts up their weapons because psychopaths that wish to murder and torture people, would totally do that, and not continue for hours on end and claim not to have heard the closing siren.

Oh, and there’s another couple that’s arguing, and they get caught outside during the Purge. Because some street gangs (also working for the Government! Twist!) sabotaged their car so they can hunt and kill two extra people.

Makes total sense, people.

4. Hercules. As we saw with this summer former WWE Champions can make good actors when given the right material. We even saw it with the Rock countless times. So, then… why is he in such a dull and drab movie?

Oh, yeah, because it’s Hercules: behind the scenes! You see, kids, Hercules, wasn’t the son of a god and great warrior, he was just a great warrior with some fancy stories behind him that wore a lion pelt to strike fear into the hearts of his enemies. And the good guys, I guess?

Because everyone wants to tune into a Hercules movie to NOT see him be Hercules. We just want to see a regular guy, fighting an army with the least convincing crew of warriors, ever. Also, ones that don’t do basic research, based on… well… everything. Also, they didn’t let the Rock be the Rock. He wasn’t his charming self. He was a dude with a permascowl and of course, a “heavy backstory” freshly stolen from God of War. (Yes, I know that this is based on a book that came first. But still… freshen it up a little.) It’s just Hercules without the fun and magic, and we already got that earlier this year.

3. A Million Ways to Die in the West. I like Seth McFarlane. I like his jazz album, I love Family Guy, American Dad, there were even a few minutes of the Cleveland Show that were amusing. I loved Ted, even if people are trying to claim that a foul mouthed teddy bear was such an original idea it was only there’s so they have to sue him. The second I saw the Doc Brown cameo in the trailers, I really, really, really wanted to love this movie. It had Liam Neeson in a comedy role! Charlize Theron! Even Neil Patrick Harris as the owner of a “mustachery”. A professional place for mustaches! How could this not be funny?

Let a Million Ways to Die in the West show you how… 

How can you have a musical number about mustaches in a Western, and let anyone other than Neil Patrick Harris sing it? Also, I don’t mind some gross out humor but let’s pull it back a little. It’s not enough to show sheep urinating on a guy, but he has to hallucinate about it later, with a song and dance number. Also, NPH with the hat… seriously? It’s too gross to even show.

The thing was, it could have been a really funny movie. The cameos were spot on, and kind of hilarious. It did have some good jokes about a guy that really didn’t want to live on the frontier, and about how living there for some would actually kind of suck. But then they had to ruin so many good opportunities. 

Seth McFarlane just needs someone on the set to say, “hey… let’s pull it back just a little bit.” 

For the sheer reason that so many opportunities were missed in what could have been a great comedy movie, perhaps the funnies of the summer, this was going to be my worst movie of the summer. But then… Michael Bay Happened.

2. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Back when this was first being made, there were rumors. Rumblings, if you will. The “Teenage” part was taken out of it. Maybe they were going to be aliens. No, the magic ooze that turned them into Ninja Turtles was going to be alien. 

Any of that would have been better than what we got.

Step one when adapting anything like this that’s been around since the 1980’s and has a rabid fan base is to realize you won’t be able to put your trademark stamp on it. It’s also to realize that maybe you should watch an episode or two of the series… any of the series… or maybe pick up the comic book on which it’s based. Then maybe you won’t half-ass the origin story.

Step two, is to actually look at a turtle. Just take a quick look at them and if the countless other comic books, TV Shows, or movies didn’t show you how a mutated turtle in this universe would look, you can at least have an idea of what you think they should look like and have them not look… well, like what we saw.

Step three is to look at how ninjas act… even 7 foot tall mutated turtles, and then not bog them down with heavy machinery and extra jewelry, which hadn’t been on a ninja turtle since… well, ever, really. How did Donatello even move let alone be ninja-y with all that stuff on his back? I’m not talking about the shell.

Then you can start looking at the minor details of a movie, like the “plot” which makes no sense and pretty much wastes William Fincher, one of the creepiest actors of our time who has the ability to make a bad movie good. But not this. Also, the whole Will Arnett-Megan Fox thing came across as kinda creepy, not adorable. 

Keep in mind, this is all from a lifelong Ninja Turtle fan. But as I said before, bonus points for the Arrested Development reference was was very slickly put into one scene. 

And the worst movie of the summer was…

1. Transformers: Age of Extinction. I was so excited when the cast list didn’t include the words Shia or LeBeouf. I was excited when it looked like actual action stars were getting involved. Then I watched you. Oh. Where to start, where to start, where to start?

Should we start with the creepy obsession with scientist/inventor/junkyard owner/farmer/totally not made up name haver Cade Yeager’s (Mark Wahlberg) 17 year old daughter, complete with scene where her boyfriend actually brings out documentation SHOWING that he can legally have sex with her. And shows it. To her father?

Or maybe we go with the time jump of five years, where the Autobots are hunted.. for reasons… because “we’re doing a sequel.” Just not this one. The next one, where you’ll get answers. Also everyone hates the Autobots now, despite the fact that they saved Chicago from getting further destroyed. So it makes total sense that the secret arm of the Government that is above the President would not only team up with another strange robot alien, but would also be actively selling the means to build an army of Transformers that tests showed they can’t control. Logic!

By the way, the events from the last movie have been raised to a 9/11 type event, and we know this from the number of people who had friends and family killed in Chicago, and hate the Autobots - the robots stopping the invasion - because of it.

I think I might start with my usual complaint with these movies, which is… have you seen a human being stand before? Or act? Here’s a little tip: the Transformers, when talking, don’t have to be constantly moving. They can stand still and have a conversation. Like any other living life form. We get that you want to show off your shiny CGI. 

This movie actually managed to make giant robots wailing on each other boring with another extra-long fight scene at the end of the movie. That didn’t. Ever. End. It also did the same thing by having Optimus Prime missing for a large section of it as he ran off to get the robots that turned into dinosaurs so they could make their 10 minute appearance in the movie, get you to be confused with the other robots, and then leave.

The worst part about this movie, and why it’s my least favorite of the summer… is because of what it’s made me. I sound like an old man, yelling at today’s hip movies with their special effects and their CGI’s. I should love this movie, and I realized that there was a part of me that did. But I can’t look past the fact that a 45 minute CGI fight scene was just sooooo long. This is the type of movie we should be enjoying over the summer. This should be number one on everyone’s list, and it’s popularity should have it running well into Christmas. But instead we get nonsensical plot points, creepy daughter interactions, and nothing we were promised in the trailers. 

That’s my wrap up of Summer Movies that were unfortunate. The only other one that I considered including on this list was Sex Tape, but that was more of a waste of Jack Black than anything else. Tomorrow, I’ll be focusing on the Summer Movies that you should have seen… and if you didn’t, you should go see now!

Summer Movies: The Critic

The week after Summer Movie Season is the hardest. All of the really good movies have come out, and Labor Day is pretty much a dumping ground for whatever couldn’t really fit into any other weekend. This week we have the movie equivalent of those spy thrillers you used to pick up at airports (before Kindles were invented) and a horror movie being released in August. I want you all to keep that  in mind. A horror movie. Released at the end of August. They couldn’t wait even four more weeks to put it out in October. Just throwing that out there.

As I mentioned yesterday, I did pretty well on my Summer of movies, totaling 34 unique movies, One episode of Doctor Who in Theaters, and 2 repeat movies. That totals 37 times I visited the movie theater, and I’ll include all of those movies in this review. I did get to most of the movies I wanted to see, but still missed out on a few, sadly.

But, this isn’t about the movies I didn’t see, this is about the movies I went to go see. I know that we have professional critics out there who are paid to get cynical about movies and get disappointed when the latest blockbuster isn’t actually some indie movie about people coming to terms with stuff. I’m just a regular guy (at least until the end of the semester when I’m done with my class in Cinema) who likes to go to the movies. But while I talk about these movies, and I’ll be going more in depth on to what I hated and what I loved tomorrow and Thursday, I haven’t really reviewed too many of them. Except for the Fault In Our Stars, which was a special case. Regardless, I am presenting for you reviews of all the movies I’ve seen this summer, in three sentences or less! Enjoy.

Brick Mansions: Parkour: The Movie.

Amazing Spider-Man 2: I know The Sinister Six and Venom spinoffs have release dates. How about we focus on the one story before we try jamming in all the ridiculous backstory and extra bad guys. Cool spider-effects, though.

Neighbors: Seth Rogen vs. Zac Effron in what could have been a great battle of the generations. Still funny until the very end, when the main characters forget everything they just learned and tell you what you think you should learn.

Godzilla: This is how you make a great Godzilla movie, by making him the hero and having Bryan Cranston explain everything you need to know, then getting out of the way and having giant monsters wail on each other in IMAX.

Million Dollar Arm: It’s a sports story, so you’re allowed to cry a little, right? Right? They were manly tears.

X-Men: Days of Future Past: It’s good to know that in a movie full of people with mutant powers, you can still put too much focus on Wolverine. Seriously, great use of all characters, great way to reboot everything without recasting everyone and starting from scratch. Plus, Jennifer Lawrence!

Maleficent: Dark. Way darker than I thought. So good I had to see it twice. Plus, this movie stuck with me long after the credits rolled. 

A Million Ways to Die in the West: Should be called a Million Ways to waste Charlize Theron, Liam Neeson, and Neil Patrick Harris. Should have been the funniest movie of the summer. 

Edge of Tomorrow: A movie that is essentially Halo meets Groundhog Day starring Tom Cruise’s favorite actor, Tom Cruise, should not have been this good. 

Fault in Our Stars: I’m not crying, I just got something in my eye!

How to Train Your Dragon 2: Dragonriffic!

22 Jump Street: HIl. Ar. I. Ous. That’s four sentences right there, so I guess I liked. But sequels aren’t supposed to be this good.

Chef: Delicious. 

Tammy: Great example of how NOT to market a movie. Deep road trip drama about a grandmother and granddaughter connecting, but we’ll market it as “Fatty fall down… funny!” Deserved better than it got. 

Transformers: Age of Extinction: How does Michael Bay do it? How does it make a movie that has a hot chick, cars that turn into giant fighting robots, robots that turn into dinosaurs, explosions, action, and manage to turn it into a muddled mess that you just want to end? Seriously, the movie sells itself. 

Deliver Us from Evil: Ok, maybe not all horror movies have to be released in October to be good. Not great. But effectively creepy enough.

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes: Interesting movie about the nature of war wrapped up in a film about CGI Apes. Plus: 90% less James Franco than the first one. 

The Purge: Anarchy: If you don’t get the political message in the first 10 minutes don’t worry, they’ll remind you in the next 10 minutes, and every 10 minutes after that. The most interesting part comes at the end. Wonder if their will be a sequel. 

Wish I Was Here: Look, I know all serious movie people are supposed to hate Zach Braff based on his Zach Braffiness, but this really was a good movie. And maybe because of where I am in my life, it spoke to me. The bleep blooping robot was a bit much.

Begin Again: Most romantic movie you’ll see that doesn’t involve two people falling in love. 

Sex Tape: Brought to you by Apple and bad decisions.

Lucy: It’s important to remember that River Tam was killing people with her brain before it was cool. Will someone just make a Black Widow Movie already?

Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail: Classic Series. Just as funny as I remember. 

Guardians of the Galaxy: Marvel makes an excellent movie featuring a talking raccoon and his giant tree friend, featuring WWE Champion Bautista. Meanwhile, DC Comics is still trying to crack that code that will bring us a good Wonder Woman movie, what with her origin as a Greek Goddess being too difficult for us to understand. Makes perfect sense.

Hercules: Speaking of WWE Champions, The Rock gives us a gritty reboot of a realistic hero, because we all tune in to Hercules NOT to see him slay giant lions and lift mountains with his pinky. 

The Big Lebowski: The Dude Abides, even after all these years. 

Let’s Be Cops: The best episode of New Girl they could have done. I’m glad they didn’t pull back on a lot of things they could have, because it was still funny. 

The Giver: Let’s take a classic book and adapt pretty much the first half in a stunning, unique way that emphasizes most of what the book is about, but change the end to a generic action finale. So close…

What If…: A romantic comedy for the hipster set. A lot better than that sentence made it sound. 

If I Stay: Another YA adaption that didn’t feel a need to change a whole lot from the book, but still managed to be surprising in a few places. 

Sin City: A Dame to Kill For: Just as violent and faithful to the books as the original. Gritty, noir, black and white… not much to say about this one. Just a great movie. 

Expendables 3: I think they should probably take a page from Danny Glover’s book, and realize that in fact they may be too old for this. Except Jason Statham. 

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: People are so preoccupied with what they can do with CGI, they never stop to think if this is something they should do with CGI. The only great thing about this movie was an Arrested Development joke about 99% of their target audience won’t get.

Doctor Who: Deep Breath: Peter Capaldi rocks. 

The November Man: How can we make a James Bond movie without actually making a James Bond movie? I’ve got it! Just make him a little more violent. 

Ghostbusters 30th Anniverary: Who you gonna call?

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

Labor Day. It’s one of those days that you can actually feel in the air, like Christmas or a Friday or the day that big paper is due at 11:59 and you have a hyperawareness that it’s only 11:57 and you can somehow get four more pages in during those two minutes… It’s the unofficial end of summer. Even though the weather still calls for you having your “guns out” as a popular shirt might say, the pools have closed down, schools have opened, and everyone gets back on the road and forgets that how to drive during rush hour.

And, as you know for me and this blog, it’s a very special day in that we say goodbye to Summer Movie Season, watched over by Saint Joss, who will be stuffing something extra special up our stockings next year in the terms of a certain superhero fighting team. Truly something for us to look forward to.

So, it’s time for us to look back on the summer that was, and look forward to the Fall Prestige Season, which is a completely different animal than Summer movie season. Partly because I want to be surprised for the Oscar Movie Marathon in March. Mostly because I’m back in school, so having to do homework cuts down on my movie time. Except maybe my movie class where I have to watch movies. But that’s a different story.

I want to start out this entry with a quick story. One of the final movies I saw this summer was the 30th Anniversary run of Ghostbusters. It was a bigger theater so I rather than take my usual space in the front, I sat near the back so I could see the whole thing. I also got there early so I got to see the people come in.. and I was amazed at the number of parents bringing their kids to come see the movie. It made me smile. Ghostbusters was the first movie I remember seeing with my dad in the movie theater. So it always holds a special place in my heart, and I’ll go see it whenever it’s out. I’m a the point now where I can quote most of the movie, but I’ll still laugh at all the appropriate parts. 

But that’s just the one movie. Despite the annual “This Summer was terrible for movies! Are Blockbusters doomed?” that are used to fill a slow Labor Day Weekend, I managed to enjoy this movie season, with a few missteps here and there. Tomorrow I will be reviewing all of the movies I saw, Wednesday I will be discussing the five movies that managed to disappoint me, and Thursday we’ll the five that exceeded my expectations. The funny thing is, looking back on what I was really looking forward to this year, Kiera Knightly and Mark Ruffalo making music wasn’t one of them, but somehow managed to crack the top five. Spoilers, I guess.

It was a great summer, one filled with romance… from the expected of dying teenagers falling in love to the unexpected of two Expendables finally cutting through the sexual tension. It was filled with cops trying to be funny, dragons being trained, and WWE Wrestlers teaming up with Glenn Close. It was a summer where anything could happen… literally… from apes starting to take their place at the top of the food chain, to a little plant dancing that stole the show. Also a raccoon somehow being the action star of the summer. We got bad guys as good guys, Spider-man doing… whatever it is he does, and more young adult adaptions than you can shake a stick at.

Anyway, here we go with the wrap up!

Best One Liner of the Summer: “We’re just like Kevin Bacon!” - Gamora, Guardians of the Galaxy. (Runner up is also Gamora, referring to Star-Lord’s “Pelvic Sorcery.”)

Best Cameo: Doc Brown in A Million Ways to Die in the West. Great Scott! Now if you could put that comedic magic into the rest of the movie!

Worst Cameo: Anyone from the Avengers in Guardians of the Galaxy. Wait… you mean there weren’t any mention of the Avengers in Guardians of the Galaxy? Despite two characters dealing with the fallout of actions from The Avengers in two separate movies? Stop trying to pretend these characters only exist together in your big event movie, Marvel. It’s what made you popular, now you’re bending over backwards to not say the “A” word in any of your standalone movies. 

Best scene: The music in Mark Ruffalo’s head in Begin Again. Probably one of the best shot scenes of the summer, starting with a small bar where no one cared about the open mic night, and ending with a great musical scene.

Worst Scene: There’s a scene in a Million Ways to Die in the West with Neil Patrick Harris, and a hat… you know I’m going to stop there. Just… right there. Take my word for it, it was pretty horrible.

Best Use of Music: I’ll forever associate “Wrecking Ball” with a fat dude, high, plowing through a store trying to escape the cops. Thank you for that scene, Let’s Be Cops.

Best use of Kelsey Grammer: X-Men, of course. He should have spent more time showing that other beast that it’s cool to be blue. 

Best Tom Cruise: I was ready to make fun of Edge of Tomorrow as being Halo meets Groundhog Day meets Tom Cruise’s ego. Damn you for defying all expectations and being good. You had no business exceeding all expectations. 

Worst Marketing, Ever: Tammy was a great drama about a woman who didn’t understand her problems and her grandmother on a road trip. Why it had to be marketed as a zany road trip comedy for fourth of July Weekend was beyond me. 

Best Use of the Dude: The Big Lebowski. I went to go see it in the classic series. That should tell you all you really need to know about the Giver.

Favorite Dying Teenager That Learns Important Life Lessons: I’m amazed that there’s more than one to pick from. But I’m going to say Hazel Grace in Fault in Our Stars. 

Funniest Movie of the Summer: 22 Jump Street. You had no business being that funny. I missed half the lines because I was laughing so hard.

Best former WWE Champion turned actor: Dave Bautista in Guardians of the Galaxy. Sorry Mr. The Rock. He just pulled it off a lot better. Also, let’s talk for a minute… Dave Bautista and Glenn Close. Their resumes don’t intersect very often, do they?

Biggest Surprise(s): Let me say a hearty wow to Edge of Tomorrow, Begin Again, Let’s Be Cops, and Maleficient. It’s not that I thought Maleficient was going to be be bad, I just didn’t think it was going to be that GOOD. Ditto for Let’s Be Cops. 

Best Couple: Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jet Li in the Expendables 3. It’s nice to see a couple who can do things together. Also that comes out of left field, but still feels kinda natural when you think about it. 

Movie that Should have been Solved in Five Seconds: Sex Tape. Yes, you’re a computer expert, Jason Segal. You invented a special syncing system. We know because you mentioned it fifty times. But instead of fixing it, you subject us to 2 long hours of an Apple iPad commercial. 

Best Scrubs Reunion: Which I Was Here. Zach Braff and Donald Faison should just make movies together and stop trying to sell us on the newest indie band.

Movie I Could See Getting Myself Accidentally Getting Into:  Let’s Be Cops. It’s got a stupid premise that anyone would half a brain would stay away from, but seriously… It was better than advertised. 

Best Dame To Kill For: Eva Green in Sin City, A Dame To Kill For. If it feels like I’m wedging this one in, I am, because I enjoyed the movie. 

That’s about it for superlatives or other things that stood out from the Summer Movie Season. I should point out that I managed to see most of the movies I wanted to see, however, I missed a big one: Snowpiercer. I plan on catching  up on it today, but I can’t include it in the total because I didn’t see it in the theaters. By the way, including the Doctor Who Season 8 Premier, the three old movies back on the big screen, and the two movies I saw twice, I went to the movies 37 times this past summer. That’s for a total of 35 unique experiences, for those counting at home.

Tomorrow: I review all the movies! 

Thus Begins Chapter 94, or Something Like That...

I use this space for a lot of things. Sometimes it’s my silly thoughts on movies. Sometimes I just feel like writing something funky about James Franco and Nicolas Cage fighting over the soul of the world. And sometimes, I look back and try to figure out just how I got to this point in my life. 

Today marks my first day as an English Graduate Student. It’s not my first day as a graduate student. No, I did that for a while for Education, as I’ve mentioned many times before. In fact, this blog was supposed to chronicle my adventures in becoming an English Teacher, back before I realized I could get some laughs writing about movies and James Franco and Nicolas Cage fighting over the soul of he world. 

I guess this post is going to be a little more reflective than what I normally do. That being said, if you’re more into James Franco and Nicolas Cage fighting over the soul of the world type posts, I promise they won’t ALL be this reflective from here on out. But it’s what I need today. And I am the writer of Bad Shakespeare, the Blog. 

Last Saturday was an anniversary for me. It’s the anniversary of when things really started to change. Saturday marked one year since my contract was up with my previous office… which meant it’s now been one year since I put on a tie every day and went into an office and did office worker things: sitting at a computer, answering phones, and finding new and creative ways to pass the time by hiding pictures of Paula Deen in one person’s desk, or suran wrapping another person’s desk and putting up a biohazard sign over it. Good times. I’ll also have to tell you about the hand sanitizer at one point. That was one of my prouder moments.

Everything has changed so much since then. I had quit that job previously, then re-taken a position to hold me over up until I started my internship. Because of the pesky Praxis 2, which I also railed against during this time, I didn’t start it until January, but my contract was up in August, so there wasn’t much they could do. The people i worked for were already nice enough to not only hire me back, but extend my work an extra few months because they were that awesome. 

So yeah, no typical office job… I actually found another job that doing something I absolutely love part time. Also, I moved from a big house to a smaller apartment in a location I like. I decided I didn’t want to teach high school and moved on to English abruptly. Oh, and I found a pretty cool set of Supernatural Action figures, so I got that going for me too. Lil’ Cas is pretty awesome.

It’s just odd to think how much has changed. By this point I thought I’d be readying my own classroom, making lesson plans, getting tests ready, and welcoming a new crop of students. Instead, I’m putting on a swimsuit almost daily. I’m not worrying about the lawn. My ties have been sitting in a garbage bag on the bottom of my closet for the past few months because i haven’t needed them, except rare occasions where I have interviewed for the random job that looked interesting, but I apparently didn’t wow them. I’m also sitting waiting to take more Graduate Level classes, still unsure what to expect.

I’ve mentioned before that Secondary Education is more guided. Some of it is State Mandated, some of it is school mandated because it was for a Masters Degree. And with English, I can take a wide variety of classes as long as i take the two main classes. But sometimes I wonder if I’m smart enough, you know? Like maybe they made some kind of cosmic mistake letting me in. Maybe somewhere there’s a guy with a similar name to mine that got a rejection letter meant for me. It’s jut that little bit of fear that always creeps into your head once you get the reading list and you wonder if you’re going to understand all of it. 

Of course, Doc Sparky Sweets covered one of the books over at Thug Notes, so I’ll rely heavily on that for a little bit. 

I’ll get over it. It’s called an irrational fear, that being that it’s not a rational and can’t be wished away by saying “I’m smart and my name is unique enough that they couldn’t have messed it up completely.”It’s just tough for those first few days.

Some of it is all of the change in general hitting me in the face like so many fish at a Seattle Market. It’s just been a lot to process. 

Again, this is all reflection. I’m not trying to make any sense of it, just trying to process it. I’m not even sure where I’m going with all of this right now. I’m interested to see how the semester goes from this point on. Of course, I’ll keep you updated in between movie reviews and stories about James Franco and Nicolas Cage fighting for the soul of the world. 

But… let’s start my life. Chapter 94, or whatever we’re up to…