Friday, July 27, 2012

The Only Guide to the Summer Olympics You'll Need

               Tonight, we get to witness the magic and the spectacle of all the nations in the world getting together for a brief period and competing in the Olympics. Yes, the Olympics. It’s that special time when we all put aside our differences, and try to beat each other out on the sports field instead of the battlefield, and while we lightly mock what the other teams are wearing. (We can’t all have our outfits designed by Lenny Kravitz in that one movie.)

                The Olympics is an ancient tradition first started by the Vikings or something to compete over who could jump the highest?  I don't really know the whole story of the Olympics. I'm not really what you would call a "history guy."  But the Olympics only happen once every two years, and the summer Olympics only happen once every four years! (Which means when I recycle this column in two years, remind me to change all the references for “summer” to “winter.”) So you should make the most out of it. Here are Bad Shakespeare’s ways to enjoy the Summer Olympics.

                -Remember that every sprinter should walk away with a medal. While only three will be the fastest in the world, they are certainly faster than anyone else winning a medal, so it’s only a matter of grabbing it when they’re on those podiums.

                -It doesn’t matter who wins or loses, but if you’re in North Korea chances are that the news will report that you’ve won every event. In fact, you probably won’t even read this. Hi, North Korea!

                -Because the games are in London this year, it’s important that we throw in as many British references as possible. Maybe the high jump is won by a Time Lord? Maybe we refer to the British fencers as “wielding Excalibur?” I don’t know.  There are a lot of places to go with this.

                -Remember that each Olympian is going to have a backstory presented on television. Make a drinking game out of it. Take a shot every time someone has had to overcome something. Take another every time it’s obvious that the news is trying to oversell something. (ex. “And this swimmer overcame their fear of forks, and now is able to eat with the rest of the Olympic village.”)

                -George Mason University, my alma mater/current mater/employer has several Olympians competing this year. Root for them! (That’s a very GMU-centric thing. I know people all over the country read this blog. Root for them anyway. Your good buddy Bad Shakespeare is asking you to.)

                -There’s no official Ultimate Frisbee exhibition this year, so put on your own Ultimate Frisbee World Championship. Or if you’re there, turn another event into Ultimate Frisbee Competition. Hurdles, for example.

                -Yes, there will be controversy coming out about something, because this is the big news event and the news media will want to milk it for all it’s worth. I blame the media blamers. But, make the most of it, and get pre-outraged at something. I think the Russian Judge might have something against that gymnast from Finland. Just throwing that out there.

                -Lastly, remember that there’s no way that the opening ceremony will be as great as the opening ceremony that your country would have put on had you been hosting the Olympics this year.

                Now that we have that down, I hope everyone can enjoy. I personally can’t wait until they have the Queen throw out the first pitch later tonight. Play ball!

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