Monday, July 22, 2013

Remember: Cownado Really Started it All.

Whelp, I finally did it... I’m a little late to the party, but I finally immersed myself in the awesomeness that is Syfy’s original movie Sharknado. Not to be confused with Sharktopus, or Giant Shark vs. 80’s Star Desperately Clinging to Fame, this is a different type of Shark-based disaster movie that features literally thousands of sharks attacking a beach and aging but good look leads that somehow feel that they’re responsible for stopping the attack despite the fact that none of them are scientists or work for emergency services. (Most of the “we’ll help people” scenes involve them running back towards the danger and telling people to run to the safe spot they just were at.) Yes, it’s a movie that defies Darwin’s theory of survival of the fittest in the most awesome way possible because sharks. And tornados. All done through some of the worst CGI since Sharknado

That’s not to say it’s not an awesome disaster movie. I mean, this ups the ante considerably. The closest thing we got to a Sharknado before this movie was the Cownado featured in Twister, and who wants to watch that anymore? (Also, that featured just one cow, and was only mildly threatening.) But there are thousands of places that Syfy can go following this disaster movie. Fortunately, Bad Shakespeare is here to help. So for your Monday morning I present to you... Bad Shakespeare’s suggestions for future Syfy disaster movies.

-Ratning Storm: This could be their Period Disaster Drama. Benjamin Franklin re-creates his famous experiment by tying a key to a kite during a lightning storm, but wait... rats are on the kite! Can George Washington team up with the British to save the day?

-Squirrelmaggedon: Following a freak acorn shortage, these furry-tailed monsters take to the road, causing people to swerve dangerously into oncoming traffic, causing a tanker of toxic waste to spill. Once it gets on them, they mutate into hideous, giant squirrels who attack Chicago leaving a trail of acorny death in their wake.

-Partly Dolphin with a Chance of Doom: Solar powered suits that allow dolphins to walk on land. What could possibly go wrong?

-Sheep Wave: When the sun intensifies, the wooly end up suffering the most. How will these once calm and peace loving animals react when they realize that their most valuable asset... their precious, precious wool, will now be their downfall?

-Whalezzard: How can America survive when the Ocean’s Largest mammals get swept up in a giant Blizzard? 

-Catnado: A local shelter becomes overrun with cats. Unfortunately, a twister comes by and sucks them all up, unleashing them on an unsuspecting small town in Idaho. Will the local bar owner who could have solved everything by evacuating save you from getting hit in the face by a cat who’s probably still asleep? Can they prevent it from colliding with the Tuna Factory mere miles away?

-Bearnami: It’s just a tidal wave of bears. Those that don’t drown are pretty threatening I guess. The ones that do I guess could sink a few ships.

-Tara Reid’s Acting School: Because nothing says disaster like when Tara Reid tries to act, which is one of the greatest lessons that Sharknado could have taught us.

      You're welcome, Syfy.

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