It’s no secret that this winter has been somewhere between “The magical land of Narnia” and “Oh my Nicolas Cage, please make it stop, please, please, make it stop” as you beat the nearest snowcone machine. Even now, on March 17th, the greenest day next to American Idiot, outside my window pure, white snow is gently blanketing the landscape, children are sitting home, sleeping in with a hot cup of warm cocoa, and people are using their futuristic technology to work from home.
I’m going to take this reminder to say hi to all the kids reading this, and asking them how they’re going to spend their first day off of Summer, July 4th.
But it has been a particularly harsh winter, made even harsher by the fact that our weather has more personalities than... well, Nicolas Cage roles. It gives us the hope that things are warming up. The warm kiss of Spring approaches us for a scant few hours, tricking the robins of spring to coming back, ready to feast upon the worms that the rain showers will bring. Then, Mother Nature laughs maniacally as it freezes those robins with a wintery blast as if coming from Mr. Freeze’s ice gun, leaving them frozen in place. In this particular case, I’m mixing metaphors, but you can see what I did there.
Personally, I blame the long winter on the popularity of that “Let it Go” song from Frozen. Everyone’s singing it, empowering Elsa, and she’s just making the snow continue. Let’s get to the heartfelt sister part and bring back summer. Or at least make the clueless, wisecracking snowman.
In the spirit of the wintery blast that is currently blasting us today, in the middle of March, I’m going to present Bad Shakespeare’s tips for dealing with a never ending winter. I do this with the hopes that, of course that this is the last time we have to deal with this white devil ice that keeps being thrown from the sky from a God who’s obviously mad that we cancelled Firefly. Bring it back, people. God is watching.
- During one of the times when the snow is melting rapidly, go buy a sand box. Put it in your room and crank up the heat. Then get someone to slather on way too much sunscreen, get your kids to complain, and then go sit in your car for a few hours on the highway. Boom. Instant summer.
- We embrace the winter with a second Christmas on March 25th. This is particularly beneficial for those of us who have been too lazy to take down our Christmas trees thus far this year.
- What did they do in Narnia? Are we really going to have to kidnap some kids and sacrifice a lion with Liam Neeson’s voice to end this? Because I’m at that point.
- Find the weather changing super villain, and for the love of God just give him what he wants.
- Just think about a few months from now, when we’ll all be complaining about the extreme heat and humidity. Plus, the near constant rain. Yeah. I’m going to miss all of this around then.
- We further embrace it by becoming Eskimos. I call dibs on the big igloo. I can’t wait to get a hold of some delicious penguin eggs. That’s what Eskimos eat, right? Penguin eggs? That’s more research than I’m willing to do with this post.
- Three words: Giant. Magnifying. Glass. Aim it at the sun. Boom. No more snow.
In the mean time, I hope you all enjoy the 70 degree weather that will melt all of this snow, just in time for the next wintery blast to blast us back into another ice age. Happy St. Patrick’s Day, everyone.