It Follows: The Demon Represents Obviousness

There’s a chill in the air. Well, sort of, where I live lately there’s a chill in the air very early in the morning followed by a very hot afternoon, which has made making a comfortable room extremely difficult. But let’s assume, for all intents and purposes, that there’s a chill in the air, because it’s October, and there should be a chill in the air. That means it’s time for everyone to pretend for a few minutes that they’re horror aficionados. 

For those of us that have been paying attention, the critique of horror movies has taken an odd turn over the past couple of years. The best horror movies always tapped into some outstanding fear and gave it a form that was able to scare us even more, whether it be the “Foreign” fears of the 2000’s, or the fear of the stranger we couldn’t protect our kids from in Nightmare on Elm Street. Which, incidentally is why the reboot didn’t work as well, the fear didn’t come from Freddy Kreuger, rather, it came from the very 80’s idea of Stranger Danger. But I digress. That’s a post for another day. 

It’s also why Jason X didn’t work, as we aren’t yet afraid of spaceships or cyborg versions of our favorite classic 80’s villains. Although I do expect the next Die Hard to feature a cybernetic Hans Gruber. 

Lately, a pair of horror movies has come out that have been lauded as the best ever because they handle those fears in an interesting manner. They’re not just horror movies… they’re works of art! Apparently. See, the thing is I watched both of them, and I just didn’t see it. I felt that while the mood was certainly interesting, “horror” was replaced by “we’re going to beat this metaphor with a stick for a little while. Sit back and enjoy.” So, I’m going to use my big comeback post as a way to talk about at least one of them, and it’s going to separate me from a lot of people.

It Follows was probably one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen that was labeled “brilliant” in my entire life. Scary story? Sure. “Brilliant piece of filmmaking”? No.

For those of you who don’t know, It Follows tells the story of a ghost that’s sexually transmitted. You see, the ghost, or demon, or whatever… the movie is never clear in the one or two moments that it’s actually kind of ambiguous, follows someone around until it kills them, or until they have sex and then it goes and tries to kill the person they have sex with. The “it” simply walks, usually taking the form of a person. The only people that can see it are people that are infected, and it’s obvious that “it” is coming after you unless the movie narratively doesn’t want the main characters to know that it is coming after them.

It’s the story of a young woman, named Jay who is dating a boy named Hugh. One day at the movies, Hugh gets freaked out and naturally they go and have sex in a car. Hugh informs Jay that he’s being stalked by the magical sex demon, and now this sex demon… that walks everywhere… is now following Jay and she can simply get rid of it by having sex with someone else. He then dumps Jay, crying and in her underwear, at her house where she’s tended to by her sister Kelly, her friend Yara, (who is constantly reading on a device that looks suspiciously like a birth control container), and her dorky friend Paul that may or may not have a crush on her? What do we think? Think these two kids will get together one day? Who knows. The movie does, and the movie wants to let you know that they’re going to get together and you’re an idiot for thinking otherwise. 

Anyway, after the rape metaphor… I mean, scene where Jay is dumped at the house, they go to find Hugh with the help of bad boy Greg, who’s introduced trying to have sex in the car with his own girlfriend as Jay flees the house from the “it” that is following her. They find him, then discover that he got “it” from a one night stand. You know, the more I describe what happens in this plot, the more I’m wondering just how this movie got the acclaim it did. I’m going to move onto the analysis. 

It Follows is about yes… sexually transmitted infections and of course the stigma that comes with sex in general. You won’t be able to escape that theme. After the “what is she running from” moment that opens the movie that features a random woman running, in heels, for her life, it opens with our first shot of Jay in a pool, clad in all black and ignoring that everyone is going to be wearing jackets for the rest of the movie. And she’s being spied on by a peeping tom, trying to get a glimpse of her in her sexy one piece, all covering bathing suit. There’s already a contrast between the half naked woman that dies… almost in a sense one who deserves to die, because she’s naked and we know nothing about her… and the modest woman who is now in front of us.

But that’s all moot. It’s an intriguing premise that is ruined by the obvious metaphor that runs throughout the movie. 

Let’s take the “it” itself. I don’t know what else to call it, since it’s never given a proper title, but “It” is subject to rules that are never really clear. When we can’t see “it” we know that it’s not moving very quickly as the young woman who’s first running from it practically has time to do her makeup before “it” catches up to her. And despite the fact that literally everyone knows who or what “it” is once they’re infected, the first time we’re really introduced to it… Hugh freaking out in the movie theater… it’s treated with calmness. He doesn’t understand WHY no one else sees the woman in the yellow dress that’s supposedly standing there. 

Then there’s the treatment of sex itself in this movie. Clearly, the message of this movie is: “sex is bad.” A lot of people have been picking up on the idea that the stigma of sex is bad, but the thing is, I don’t see that message. It’s clear that sex, in this movie, is bad. When the characters have sex, they are pretty much clothed or covered the whole time. The only nudity that is scene is in the “it” itself, usually in a grotesque or horrible manner. Further, there are several incidents where sex is equated with parents, despite the fact that this is a world where adults don’t tend to exist. When Greg, the bad boy who spends a good portion of the time lusting after Yara before getting the chance to have sex with Jay (which is another problem… we’ll get into that in a minute) is killed by “it” he’s killed, literally by the image of his mother as she grinds on his crotch. The young woman in the beginning calls her father to apologize before she’s murdered. And in the end, it’s heavily implied that Jay sees the image of her father in the “it” while it is attempting to murder her with appliances despite being relatively invisible for most of the film. Parents are invisible in this film until they are around to explain the consequences of sex, which apparently is just an attempt to get back at them. Starting the film with a woman literally apologizing, to her father, for having sex is an odd choice. 

But that’s all just part of the larger narrative that this movie wants to make sure you get this message of “sex is bad” repeatedly. Greg, the “bad boy” is introduced to us as nothing more than a horn dog, so when Jay passes the “it” onto him, it’s not much of a surprise. Much to the chagrin of geeky Paul… well, movie geeky, which means he’s still pretty awesome. But when Greg is killed by the image of his naked mother in demon form, Jay first sees “it” disguised as him, going into his house. This implies a sort of narcism that comes with wanting to have sex. Greg returns to Jay several times, trying to have more sex, and it’s implied for a little bit that the consider themselves some kind of  couple. The “it” doesn’t really come for Greg until Jay starts to show signs of rejecting him, pointing to the idea that sex is really bad outside of a committed relationship.

I could go on. The extended metaphor of the “it” being “sex is bad” extend throughout the entire movie, and as mentioned, never once lets up on this. I don’t understand how it is being praised when it is really less of a movie and more of a finger wagging lecture wrapped in a demon following people around if they give into their sinful urges. It’s not a subtle movie by any stretch of the imagination. It’s an obvious movie that spends two hours beating you over the head with a metaphor, just to make sure you get it, before the ambiguous type ending, which may only reinforce the metaphor that sex is only ok… in a relationship. The movie itself isn’t just a metaphor for slut shaming, the movie itself IS slut shaming in the worst possible way. 

This Halloween, Have a Piece of Pie... On Shakespeare

As mentioned, it’s that scary time of year, and this is the scariest day in all the scariest times of year: Halloween. Whether you’re planing on going out trick or treating, staying in and eating the candy meant for the trick or treaters, or making sure that everyone on your social media feeds know that this “candy” thing contains sugar, and sugar will eventually destroy all life everywhere, it’s important that you enjoy yourself today. (Seriously, though, if you hand out raisins I fully endorse the egging of your house every day until next Halloween.) Also Happy Halloween to all of you who are going to complain about people’s costumes.

Halloween can be a scary day, not just because of the sheer number of takes you’ll see on the “Wrecking Ball” costume or Miley Cyrus Twerking, but because there is a big push on what to do for this day. Do you go out? Do you stay in? What do you dress up as? (Please.... no more “Wrecking Ball” or Miley Cyrus Twerking Parodies... think of the pictures in about two years.) But what’s most important is: What do you watch?

I have an annual tradition of watching my most favorite of all ghost based Bill Murray movies: Ghostbusters. Of course then in about a month I watch my second favorite ghost based Bill Murray movie of all time: Scrooged. Ah, Bill, is there a holiday you CAN’T make a movie out of? 

But what you you literary types out there? The ones who would like to watch a movie, but still maintain an air of knowing that you’re learning something? Bad Shakespeare is here to help! There are a ton of great movies out their based on literature that are perfect for this time of year. Specifically, movies based on the works of the bard! (I was going to do all literature, but my list was mostly Frankenstein and Edgar Allen Poe. Seriously, read up his stuff. The man was insane.) Presented below is a list of the BEST Shakespearean adaptations for Halloween.

First up is Titus Andronicus. No, not the band that transcends genre but is classified as “Punk.” Here we’re talking about one of the first plays written by William Shakespeare, and definitely one of the first tragedies. It’s about a General who’s caught up in a cycle of revenge and honor with the Queen of the Goths.  (It’s got generals, goths, pies... you’ll love it!) This particular version stars Anthony Hopkins and isn’t really set in any time period, but is one of the most disturbing movies I’ve ever seen. It’s also one of the most violent plays Shakespeare ever wrote, and is probably closer to Saw than it is to what you think of as Shakespeare. This one will give you nightmares.

Next up is the Scottish Play, Macbeth, and I’m including two versions. One is Patrick Stewart’s quite excellent adaptation that moves most of the drama to a war torn country (that’s sort of the standard for William Shakespeare adaptations.) I’m also including an audio version of Alan Cumming one man adaptation, because when he’s not playing Nightcrawler, he can be a disturbing individual. I mean, just listen to it. Anyway, you know what it’s about, blah, blah, blah, witches, blah, blah, blah killing, blah, blah, blah cursed. The whole play itself is cursed. It’s like watching the Ring, only there’s no timeline on when someone is going to drag you down into a well. Or your play flops. I forget what’s supposed to happen here.

Next up: Any version of Othello or Hamlet. Except O. Which was terrible. They actually included a line that said, "I thought Shakespeare wrote movies." Just.... really? And Julie Stiles, you're supposed to be... you know what, I just need a minute. 

       Moving on. You want your horror psychological? How about we drive people mad. Othello is driven mad by his supposed friend, Iago, until he goes on a killing spree that involves killing himself. Iago is one of the rare exceptions to most of Shakespeare’s works in that one of the major villains meets his fate by being arrested, not by meeting the business end of a blade, or poison. He almost gets away with it! Hamlet is driven mad by himself, and possibly ghosts. But mostly himself. I’m throwing the Kenneth Branagh versions of both, because he did a good job. And plus, one of them has Neo in it. Neo, people. Neo.

Finally, Much Ado About Nothing. Why am I including a comedy on this list? Think about how absolutely disturbing this movie is. Yes, there’s the lighthearted romantic comedy between Beatrice and Benedict... oh, young love. They’ll get together, right? Yes, they will, after she asked Benedict to kill his best friend. Why? Because he’s so quick to anger that he throws away his true love once he sees her “cheating”. In a plot that is put together for no real reason or motive. Then when the plot is uncovered, does everyone laugh? No, no they fake Hero’s death. They make the young lover think that the love of his life kills herself. Seriously, people, this is some messed up The Game type stuff going around here. Yes, it ends happy because Shakespeare didn’t feel like having anyone eaten off stage by a bear. People are crazy.

Enjoy your Halloween, everybody!

Horror Movies That Really Scare Us

Once again, we reach the second scariest week of the year: the week of Halloween. (The first, of course, is the week of President’s Day, when we’re bombarded with Mattress Commercials and the horrifying process of finding the perfect President’s Day Present.) This is also the last week before I start working on Nanowrimo, so it’s a little extra scary. At any moment I fear that a manuscript with a hockey mask is going to come and chase me around a lake. This is why for the past week I’ve avoided both paper and water. And hockey masks, for that matter. I’m like the Washington Capitals for most of last season. (Tip your waitresses.) 

However, have you all looked outside lately? Or at a newspaper? Or turned on the TV “News” Channels where everyone is screaming so loudly that you think you accidentally turned on a horror movie? It’s HARD to scare people lately unless you knock out the wi-fi. Then they can’t check their work email for like, minutes, and what if an important document comes in at 5:00 on a Sunday morning then that big business merger thing might be delayed for almost FIVE WHOLE MINUTES ON MONDAY MORNING! (Cue Psycho music here. If you want to take a minute to download it, then read the rest of this post, feel free.)

Yes, this is the week that you’ll read the cynical posts about how all horror movies have to either work harder because they’ve been deconstructed so many times (Cabin in the Woods, Tucker and Dale vs. Evil) or because it’s a scarier time so they have to tap into our fears such as being watched all the time, (Paranormal Activity or any of the movies that pretend to be Paranormal Activity but aren’t even close to Paranormal Activity), or how they’re just getting grosser (Saw, Hostel, or any movie with a black and white picture of a woman creaming on the cover). And of course it’s the same with any movie season where a bunch of people will complain about sequels, remakes, sequels to the remakes, and the gritty reboots to the remakes. In one case, I know we’re getting a sequel to an original that was recently rebooted.

And don’t get me started on the scary fact that we’re getting another Jackass movie. Harold Ramis and Dan Akroyd can’t get their act together for Ghostbuster 3, but the Jackass boys can put a bunch of magnetic letters together on their fridge so we get another movie where they launch themselves off a roof in a shopping cart wearing a chicken costume with their junk hanging out.

Congrats to Bad Shakespeare on it’s first “junk hanging out” reference! With some of Shakespeare’s plays, I’m surprised it took this wrong.

In any event, you know that Bad Shakespeare is here to help with these things. As any horror movie fan will attest, the best horror movies are a reflection of what society is dealing with at the time. Zombies are just fodder for bullets, “torture porn” showed up when we couldn’t understand why people were suffering, the slasher movies of the 80’s were a reflection of our terror at neon clothing, and giant monster movies reflected our fear of Godzilla.

But rather than the latest zombie movie, or zombie movie parody, or shaky-cam style movie where nothing happens for 90 minutes then something inexplicable happens that scares us before the movie ends, I feel it’s necessary that I help out Hollywood by presenting to you: Truly scary movie plots for today’s more sophisticated, less easily scared, audience. Your welcome, Hollywood. Please send your checks directly to me.

*Wi-Fi Bye Bye: A computer virus knocks out the internet... for the entire world! People are forced to interact with each other! The post office is relevant again! Mail takes four... sometimes five days to get to it’s source! Rather than spending Saturday night checking email for Monday, people have to not work all the time.... oooooohhhh!!

*Zombie Rights Massacre (Part Two.): A Zombie virus is spread across the world, and the dead do rise from the grave. After about a half an hour of terror, the vultures of the world realize that they’ve got a pretty good snack thing going, and everyone realizes that shambling corpses don’t traverse very well up hills, in the heat, in the cold, or if anything even knee high is put in their path, so they’re rounded up and put to work in menial jobs. But wait... then someone sensing opportunity sues on the behalf of the zombies, and they all march on Washington, demanding equal rights.

It actually ends pretty quickly when the vultures realize they’re in Washington, and they all get eaten.

*Fact Checker: A serial killer named “the Fact Checker” targets anyone who posts anything on the internet that hasn’t been fact checked. Eventually spawning copycats, at one point the cult of the Fact Checker has over one thousand members, who all retire because it just becomes too much. Way, Way, too much.  

*Nicolas Cage: The Movie: A biopic of Nicolas Cage written and directed by Nicloas Cage, starring Nicolas Cage. In every role. I’m envisioning this one as an animated musical, that reminds the world that Nicolas Cage won an Oscar, and was a well respected actor before he became a world famous internet meme. Also he once played Superman. (I’m 90% sure that this idea might already exist.)

*The Casting: Everyone loves to read their favorite news on their favorite movies. It was a typical day for actor Stephen Everyactor, who was just cast in the Big Summer Blockbuster. But then, the collective Internet, having never seen Stephen Everyactor in that specific role, decides they disapprove of his casting! Petitions are signed! Commenters are outraged that the person in their head wasn’t cast in Big Summer Blockbuster! Eventually the movie is released anyway, and only makes a billion dollars.

*Andrew Jackson: Werewolf Hunter: Piggybacking of the success of Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter, this is the tale of how most Werewolves are notoriously greedy, and can be enticed to leave town by paying them twenty dollars.

*Upgradening: Two days after you buy your new sparkly gadget, they announce a new one. This one is filmed in handheld shaky cam style as you go back tot he store and demand a new one, only to find they won’t sell it to you or accept a return, because you’ve burned it out. Filming the experience. In shaky cam style. The movie will start with a disclaimer that the footage was found in a trash can near a store that sells the shiny new gadget. 

*Giant Monster Attack: Seriously... we really aren’t afraid of this? At any moment a mutated lizard could crush us all, why aren’t we taking this more seriously?

Get on it, Hollywood.

Who Ya Gonna Call?

Ok, party people, as of this moment we are officially one week away from Halloween! Yay! Halloween ranks up there as one of my favorite candy-getting holidays, the first being the Monday after Easter when those Cadbury Eggs are all going on sale.

I love this time of year. The leaves are all changing, people dress up in fancy/funny/slutty costumes, people complain about the fancy/funny/slutty costumes that the person near them is wearing, the movies get scarier, there’s inevitably some scary movie marathon obviously slapped together by people who don’t know what scary is, and there’s a good excuse for Ghostbusters to run on television as much as possible. Really it’s the perfect storm of awesomeness.

But it’s not all fun and games. For some people, this is the scariest part of the year: The week before Halloween and they don’t have a clue who they’re going as. Fortunately, it’s Bad Shakespeare to the rescue with your Bad Shakespeare Guide to Halloween.

-Don’t be the house that gives out toothbrushes, dental floss, trail mix, or anything like that. No one likes it. They may say “thank you” but it’s because their parents are standing behind them, making them. You will be mocked.

-Conversely, don’t be the house that gives out full candy bars. Yes, the kids will love you, but you’re really just making all of the other houses look bad. Unless you want to play mind games, and wait for a group of three. Give one the full bar, and the other two little pieces of candy. Then you’ve just given them something fun to talk about on the way to the next house.

-If you will not be home for the night, just put out a plastic bowl and a sign that says “take one.” Kids will just assume that someone has taken all of the candy.

-Ideally you should have prepped your eggs and mayonnaise for your Halloween Shenanigans this past summer when it was hot out. If you haven’t already, pull these things out of the fridge and leave them somewhere warm. Remember it’s about quality. Take pride in your pranking.

-If you are going to a Halloween Party, remember that you need to have a designated driver AND they need to be wearing a costume that makes it easy for them to operate a car.

-Timely costumes are always the rage, but no one wants to see your take on the current election, be it “Mitt Zombie” or “Ba-Ba-Ba-rock Obama”, Big Bird, Binder Full of Women, or any variation of anything Gangnam Style. “Call Me Maybe” is coming back, slightly, or at least there has been enough time.

-Sparkly Vampire is never ok.

-Yes. We know that chick is dressed like an extremely slutty nurse. No. I wasn’t looking at her.

-Lastly, remember the movies you are going to pick out are probably going to be scary. So while I know you think you’re going to get through at least four of the scariest movies you can find, I would recommend bringing Ghostbusters. Just in case.