It Follows: The Demon Represents Obviousness

There’s a chill in the air. Well, sort of, where I live lately there’s a chill in the air very early in the morning followed by a very hot afternoon, which has made making a comfortable room extremely difficult. But let’s assume, for all intents and purposes, that there’s a chill in the air, because it’s October, and there should be a chill in the air. That means it’s time for everyone to pretend for a few minutes that they’re horror aficionados. 

For those of us that have been paying attention, the critique of horror movies has taken an odd turn over the past couple of years. The best horror movies always tapped into some outstanding fear and gave it a form that was able to scare us even more, whether it be the “Foreign” fears of the 2000’s, or the fear of the stranger we couldn’t protect our kids from in Nightmare on Elm Street. Which, incidentally is why the reboot didn’t work as well, the fear didn’t come from Freddy Kreuger, rather, it came from the very 80’s idea of Stranger Danger. But I digress. That’s a post for another day. 

It’s also why Jason X didn’t work, as we aren’t yet afraid of spaceships or cyborg versions of our favorite classic 80’s villains. Although I do expect the next Die Hard to feature a cybernetic Hans Gruber. 

Lately, a pair of horror movies has come out that have been lauded as the best ever because they handle those fears in an interesting manner. They’re not just horror movies… they’re works of art! Apparently. See, the thing is I watched both of them, and I just didn’t see it. I felt that while the mood was certainly interesting, “horror” was replaced by “we’re going to beat this metaphor with a stick for a little while. Sit back and enjoy.” So, I’m going to use my big comeback post as a way to talk about at least one of them, and it’s going to separate me from a lot of people.

It Follows was probably one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen that was labeled “brilliant” in my entire life. Scary story? Sure. “Brilliant piece of filmmaking”? No.

For those of you who don’t know, It Follows tells the story of a ghost that’s sexually transmitted. You see, the ghost, or demon, or whatever… the movie is never clear in the one or two moments that it’s actually kind of ambiguous, follows someone around until it kills them, or until they have sex and then it goes and tries to kill the person they have sex with. The “it” simply walks, usually taking the form of a person. The only people that can see it are people that are infected, and it’s obvious that “it” is coming after you unless the movie narratively doesn’t want the main characters to know that it is coming after them.

It’s the story of a young woman, named Jay who is dating a boy named Hugh. One day at the movies, Hugh gets freaked out and naturally they go and have sex in a car. Hugh informs Jay that he’s being stalked by the magical sex demon, and now this sex demon… that walks everywhere… is now following Jay and she can simply get rid of it by having sex with someone else. He then dumps Jay, crying and in her underwear, at her house where she’s tended to by her sister Kelly, her friend Yara, (who is constantly reading on a device that looks suspiciously like a birth control container), and her dorky friend Paul that may or may not have a crush on her? What do we think? Think these two kids will get together one day? Who knows. The movie does, and the movie wants to let you know that they’re going to get together and you’re an idiot for thinking otherwise. 

Anyway, after the rape metaphor… I mean, scene where Jay is dumped at the house, they go to find Hugh with the help of bad boy Greg, who’s introduced trying to have sex in the car with his own girlfriend as Jay flees the house from the “it” that is following her. They find him, then discover that he got “it” from a one night stand. You know, the more I describe what happens in this plot, the more I’m wondering just how this movie got the acclaim it did. I’m going to move onto the analysis. 

It Follows is about yes… sexually transmitted infections and of course the stigma that comes with sex in general. You won’t be able to escape that theme. After the “what is she running from” moment that opens the movie that features a random woman running, in heels, for her life, it opens with our first shot of Jay in a pool, clad in all black and ignoring that everyone is going to be wearing jackets for the rest of the movie. And she’s being spied on by a peeping tom, trying to get a glimpse of her in her sexy one piece, all covering bathing suit. There’s already a contrast between the half naked woman that dies… almost in a sense one who deserves to die, because she’s naked and we know nothing about her… and the modest woman who is now in front of us.

But that’s all moot. It’s an intriguing premise that is ruined by the obvious metaphor that runs throughout the movie. 

Let’s take the “it” itself. I don’t know what else to call it, since it’s never given a proper title, but “It” is subject to rules that are never really clear. When we can’t see “it” we know that it’s not moving very quickly as the young woman who’s first running from it practically has time to do her makeup before “it” catches up to her. And despite the fact that literally everyone knows who or what “it” is once they’re infected, the first time we’re really introduced to it… Hugh freaking out in the movie theater… it’s treated with calmness. He doesn’t understand WHY no one else sees the woman in the yellow dress that’s supposedly standing there. 

Then there’s the treatment of sex itself in this movie. Clearly, the message of this movie is: “sex is bad.” A lot of people have been picking up on the idea that the stigma of sex is bad, but the thing is, I don’t see that message. It’s clear that sex, in this movie, is bad. When the characters have sex, they are pretty much clothed or covered the whole time. The only nudity that is scene is in the “it” itself, usually in a grotesque or horrible manner. Further, there are several incidents where sex is equated with parents, despite the fact that this is a world where adults don’t tend to exist. When Greg, the bad boy who spends a good portion of the time lusting after Yara before getting the chance to have sex with Jay (which is another problem… we’ll get into that in a minute) is killed by “it” he’s killed, literally by the image of his mother as she grinds on his crotch. The young woman in the beginning calls her father to apologize before she’s murdered. And in the end, it’s heavily implied that Jay sees the image of her father in the “it” while it is attempting to murder her with appliances despite being relatively invisible for most of the film. Parents are invisible in this film until they are around to explain the consequences of sex, which apparently is just an attempt to get back at them. Starting the film with a woman literally apologizing, to her father, for having sex is an odd choice. 

But that’s all just part of the larger narrative that this movie wants to make sure you get this message of “sex is bad” repeatedly. Greg, the “bad boy” is introduced to us as nothing more than a horn dog, so when Jay passes the “it” onto him, it’s not much of a surprise. Much to the chagrin of geeky Paul… well, movie geeky, which means he’s still pretty awesome. But when Greg is killed by the image of his naked mother in demon form, Jay first sees “it” disguised as him, going into his house. This implies a sort of narcism that comes with wanting to have sex. Greg returns to Jay several times, trying to have more sex, and it’s implied for a little bit that the consider themselves some kind of  couple. The “it” doesn’t really come for Greg until Jay starts to show signs of rejecting him, pointing to the idea that sex is really bad outside of a committed relationship.

I could go on. The extended metaphor of the “it” being “sex is bad” extend throughout the entire movie, and as mentioned, never once lets up on this. I don’t understand how it is being praised when it is really less of a movie and more of a finger wagging lecture wrapped in a demon following people around if they give into their sinful urges. It’s not a subtle movie by any stretch of the imagination. It’s an obvious movie that spends two hours beating you over the head with a metaphor, just to make sure you get it, before the ambiguous type ending, which may only reinforce the metaphor that sex is only ok… in a relationship. The movie itself isn’t just a metaphor for slut shaming, the movie itself IS slut shaming in the worst possible way. 

Summer Movie Season... the ReCap, Praise Joss!

The air has taken on a slight chill. Football fans start arguing over who is better: Cowboys or whoever plays the Cowboys. The Walking Dead comes back to make us fall in love with characters and then kill them off completely. Television starts it’s traditional model of starting it’s shows despite the fact that we’ve long evolved past that model. That can only mean one thing…  Summer Movie Season is over. 

This has certainly been an interesting Summer Movie Season. I’ve hit upon some wonderful surprises (Hello, LeBron James in Trainwreck). And I’ve hit on some disappointments that really made me sad. (Hello, Fantastic Four, you were a Trainwreck.) Some movies were big flops. We had one weekend that set two records: one for biggest flop and one that grew beyond expectations. There were controversies, a lot of them manufactured. But the bottom line is… I saw a whole bunch of movies. It was fantastic. 

Basically, it was everything that I’d come to love in Summer Movie Season. Joss Whedon hath blessed us. (No, I’m not changing that next year.) It was quite the bounty. Despite the fact that we took a little break from Summer Movie Season to pop on over to Ireland for a month, we still managed to hit up 36 movies counting those I saw twice, one holdover from good/bad movie season (Paul Blart 2: Why the Hell Are they Making a Sequel to This and Not Firefly?) and one past tense movie. 

I did try to review as many of the movies as I possible, but I know I didn’t hit them all. But I love this particular post each year, the one where I recap what I’ve seen, and, through the magic of time, I get to re-think my grade for each one. So, without further ado… here’s what I’ve seen this summer, complete with a few lines of summary and rating.

Also a quick shoutout to Judy Greer. If you don’t know who she is, check the background of most of the movies and look for the mother who dies or divorces. That’s her. It was the unofficial Summer of Judy Greer. You go, girl.

All movies in the order I saw them.

Avengers 2: Age of Ultron: Iron Man, Captain America, Black Widow, Thor, and everyone else is back to fight off an evil A.I. and do whatever it takes to hold off putting Thanos in a movie and tries to address the fact that the one dude in Man of Steel couldn’t save everyone but they can with an army of about 10. Great way to start off the summer. (9/10)

Hot Pursuit: Obviously no one thought anything could beat Avengers 2 as two women take a cross country road trip. One of them’s a bumbling cop. The other one is the large-chested wife of a criminal, because they address it 50 times. Will they ever get along? Does anyone care? (5/10)

Mad Max: Fury Road: Mad Max is back making a few cameos in a few scenes in a movie about a woman with one arm named Furuosa tries to save a bunch of other women from being breeding stock. Gave us Immortan Joe and people who spray silver frosting on themselves. Beautifully shot, acted, directed, and not a lot of use of CGI. Only the gratuitous late death of a character kept this from being a perfect movie. (9/10)

Tomorrowland: George Clooney teams up with a young girl to save Tomorrowland (The magic land, not the Disney Ride) and the world. I’ll fully admit that it wasn’t the perfect movie. I just enjoyed the optimism of the movie a lot more than everyone else. It was oddly sincere in a climate that prefers things bleak sometimes. That’s the reason it’s rated so high. (9/10)

Mr. Holmes: Sherlock Holmes, aging and keeping bees, must solve the mystery of his failing memory. More Character Study and Less Mystery, it kept me entertained as it looked deeply into the world of a man is losing his purpose. (8/10)

Spy: Melissa McCarthy teams up with Jason Statham to fight an evil Rose Byrne. Jude Law was in it, too. Really, what else do you need to know? (8/10)

Inside Out: A girl is held hostage by an evil dictator that lives inside her head; telling her that everything is fine and she doesn’t need to worry about anything. Also the pre-movie was about a singing Volcano. Damn you Pixar. Damn you and your ability to play with my emotions. (9/10)

Jurassic World: Chris Pratt fights dinosaurs. Why are we debating anything? TO THE MULTIPLEX! But seriously, what was up with that divorce plot that went nowhere, and the creepy kid that wanted to break up with his girlfriend. Why are you interfering with Chris Pratt riding into battle surrounded by Velociraptors? (8/10 because of the STUPID DIVORCE SUB PLOT.)

Me, Earl, and the Dying Girl: A kid befriends a girl who is dying. Also Earl. Rare example of being better than the book. (9/10)

San Andreas: The Rock fights an Earthquake while Paul Giamatti gives us exposition. Or something. I was unclear on everything, I just know that we had another family drama when I wanted to see the Rock body slamming stuff. (7/10)

Ted 2: Let’s make another movie about a talking, foul mouthed Teddy Bear and not a sequel to Firefly. Makes perfect sense to me. Hey, when they go to the Sperm Bank, do you think they knock over a shelf? What do you think? (7/10)

Aloha: How dare you. How dare you waste Bill Murray in such a fashion. That man is a national treasure. (5/10)

Terminator: Genysis: Arnold is back in his wackiest role as an evil computer/father figure to the young girl in Game of Thrones. Plus, Doctor Who was in it, and everyone rewrote time. Now let’s go back to pretending there haven’t been any other Terminator Movies since Terminator 2. (5/10)

Minions: Banana! (8/10)

Self/less: The Thriller you forgot existed where Ryan Reynolds switched bodies with Ben Kingsly. And it was certainly that. A movie where Ryan Reynolds switched bodies with Ben Kingsly. Like a sexier Freaky Friday with more angst. (6/10)

Spaceballs: I got to see Spaceballs in theaters again! I’ll have the soup. (Ridiculous Speed out of 10)

Ant-Man: Paul Rudd gets all the powers of an Ant. Also: Michael Douglas makes a tank into a keychain, and Marvel Movies stop being so afraid of talking about other Marvel Movies. (10/10)

Trainwreck: Come for the Amy Schumer. Stay for the LeBron James. (8/10)

Southpaw: What happens when you need an underdog but you also kinda want to start him off on top? You throw in a few gunfights and some drunk driving. (8/10)

Pixels: Damnit, Adam Sandler. You aren’t supposed to make movies that hit me with the nostalgia quite so hard. Or make it genuinely entertaining. I’m supposed to make fun of you. (9/10)

Vacation: Hey, you know what really needs to be rebooted? National Lampoon Vacation series. Said no one. Ever. (2/10)

Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation: Bunh bunh… bunh bun… buhn bunh… buhn buhn buhn…  (9/10)

Paper Towns: Another example of toning down some of the more outrageous elements from the book, and keeping a pretty decent story. (8/10)

(un)Fantastic Four: Three days before the release the director and studio started their temper tantrums. That’s all I needed to know. And yet i saw it anyway, because I hate myself. (1/10)

Man from UNCLE: Probably the coolest movie of the summer. I’ll have a lot more to say about this one later. (10/10)

End of the Tour: Interesting look at a one man’s rise to fame. A fame he may not have wanted. (Still not sure/10)

American Ultra: So close to being the Bourne Lebowski, but tonally, not sure what it wanted to be. (7/10)

Hitman: Agent 47: Stop trying to make Hitman happen. (2/10)

We Are Your Friends: Surprising. I know it got bad reviews, but really not worth the negative hype it got. If you didn’t see it, you missed out on a little gem. (8/10)

Transporter: Refueled: You know what worked in the first three Transporters? Jason Statham. You know what we’re going to do with this one? Take him out of it. (5/10)

There you have it: a quick refresher of the summer. Some movies may have changed as a result of me thinking about them a little more. 

Also, a programming note: If you follow me on Facebook, you know that I have Lil’George Clooney coming with me to the movies and taking pictures. Sadly, I’m going to retire him for the winter. He needs time to rest. Say hello to Lil’Misha Collins, who will start following me around for Prestige Movie Season!

Tomorrow: Your Movie is Bad and you Should Feel Bad.

Summer Movie Season: A Superhero Movie that's Embarrassed to be a Superhero Movie

I’ve seen a lot of superhero movies in my life. I love superhero movies. The truth is, we all love superhero movies in some way. Sure, they may not dress up in tights or the newest trend of dressing up in cooler looking pleather. They may not all have cool code names, or carry magic hammers. But we admire people that can do extraordinary things, even if we don’t affix the title of “Superhero” to them. Even Generic Buddy Cop Movie 7 would be boring if they spent all their time filling out paperwork. The Fast and the Furious Movies would get old if Dom wasn’t an expert driver or bank robber or whatever wacky situation he gets himself in and then makes himself an expert. So, yeah, I like Superhero movies, just like everyone else. And when it’s billed as a superhero movie, that’s even more incredible, it means we’re going to get a double dose of superhero antics. But what happens when you try to make a superhero movie but then don’t actually allow the superheroes to show up?

The newest version of Fantastic Four is essentially that: a superheroless superhero movie. And it fails. Miserably. 

(Spoilers, I guess? I feel this whole thing has been discussed and super discussed. I’m not going to ruin anything for you.) 

Fantastic Four tells the story that the previous for attempts at making a movie about the Fantastic Four tells: Four scientists build something extraordinary, get zapped with some dubious science sounding stuff, then turn into a superhero team known as the Fantastic Four. The stretchy Reed Richards (Miles Teller); The Invisible Woman Sue Storm (Kata Mara); The Thing Ben Grimm (Jamie Bell); The Human Torch Johnny Storm (Michael B. Jordan). Sometimes Victor Von Doom comes along. In this version he does. 

This version pull from Marvel’s Ultimate line, so instead of going into space and being zapped with cosmic rays (that would just be silly) they go to another dimension and get their powers via magic (I mean sciencey) green ooze.

The movie starts with an extended prologue, because when you’re doing a superhero movie the thing everyone wants is an extended prologue that stops us from getting to the action, where a young Reed Richards is mocked by his teacher and classmates in 2007 for wanting to build a device to teleport himself, because that’s what happened in 2007 when people wanted to dream big and the big news story (that he references) was that transporters were within reach. So naturally, he builds one, because a sixth grader that can do that will fly under the radar. He also makes friends with Ben Grimm, who lives in a junkyard. 

Quick note: this scene also reveals that The Thing’s catchphrase was first said by his “abusive brother who beats him while yelling it.” This is part of this summer’s apparent need to find controversy in everything. Yes. He yells it. No. He’s his brother who beats him up. The mere fact that someone says “this is abuse!” while Vacation featured the running gag of one of his brothers trying to kill the other (hilarious!) makes me wonder about the future of movies in general. 

Anyway, we fast forward another 7 years to another science fair when Ben and Reed are still building the teleporter, and they get it to work. Of course, no one believes them, except… Franklin Storm, and his daughter Sue who wants Reed to work on the real thing. I would say at this point that finally we’re getting there, but we also have to watch as Franklin recruits Victor Von Doom and his shaky accent to help finish the machine, and his son Johnny who was busy drag racing, complete with little Mario Fire plant decoration in his car, which caught on fire during the race, just in case you need to be reminded that one day he will be the Human Torch.

Several extended conversations and montages where they build the machine later (I’m getting bored typing this) it’s time to go into the other dimension. Of course they’re not allowed to go, so Reed concocts a plan for them to sneak into it late at night, along with his best friend who is not a scientist, and use the machine to go into the alternate dimension. Because that’s a great idea, right?

Look, I could get this buildup if this were a science fiction movie exploring the dangers of science and ego, which it does a great job of setting up during this time. But this isn’t a science fiction movie. It’s the Fantastic Four. The only recognizable part we’ve really seen is a dude yelling “It’s clobbering time” while beating up his younger brother, and that’s dubious at best. 

So, yes, Reed, Von Doom, Johnny, and Ben all go into the other world, Von Doom is lost to the green goo, and everyone who went was magically scientifically changed to their respected superpowers with an extended sequence that shows Ben getting hit with rocks, Johnny being set on fire, and Susan, who did not go on the trip, getting hit with the returning portal thingy and getting her powers of forcefield. 

What follows is a horror show of powers: Reed screams as he’s being pulled in all directions, Susan fading in and out, Ben begging for his life, and Johnny… well he’s sort of quite. It’s pretty clear out of cast members, Michael B. Jordan is probably Josh Trank’s favorite. 

To point out: We have had almost an hour and fifteen minutes of exposition, a trip to another world and everything sucks. That’s an hour and fifteen minutes where there’s a setup to a group getting their powers when just about everyone in the theater knows they’re going to get their powers. It’s not a secret or a surprise. It’s in the title, on all the marketing. Why do we have to wait so long to see it?

Then there’s another time jump of a year: Ben’s being used as a weapon by the military, Johnny and Sue are being trained to be weapons, and Reed is in hiding trying to find a cure. You might think that this would lead to some cool action sequences where Ben is fighting, maybe has some moral quandaries about it. Maybe a training montage with Sue and Johnny. Don’t worry, the director spares you from that and just has some grainy footage of Ben fighting and a few minutes of Sue and Johnny doing… stuff… so we can get to the real action: Reed and his deep emotional turmoil while wearing a goofy suit that can expand with him. 

I could keep going. Yes, they eventually fight Von Doom, finding him in the other world, in a mishmash end sequence that features Reed  giving an inspirational speech, and the least convincing “Hey, what should we call ourselves” moment that would be even worse had Avengers 2: Age of Ultron hadn’t pulled the EXACT SAME JOKE earlier this year. 

For all it’s faults, let’s face it: Man of Steel at least got Superman in that costume with as little set up as possible, and let him run out and do stuff. Even lauded superhero show that tried to pretend it wasn’t a superhero show Daredevil still got Matt Murdock into a costume soon, even if it wasn’t the familiar red costume. This movie actively avoids setting these people up as heroes for as long as possible, and even when it does it takes the literal destruction of the Earth to start to get them to try to do anything about it. Even then they’re not a team so much as a group of scientists doing science stuff for science. 

This movie suffers the similar problems of the Hulk movies, (and why he subsequently worked with the Avengers) is because most of the focus is on the curse of being the Hulk. You know that cheering that happened when Mark Ruffalo turned into the Hulk and then smashed the giant lizard thing in the Avengers? Yeah, that’s because we don’t want a tortured Bruce Banner for two hours, we want The Hulk, smashing. We don’t want an hour of setup to a team getting their powers, then all wanting to be rid of them because they’re some kind of curse. Really the only one who should be mad is Ben (and he is, until he isn’t.) But instead everyone (except Johnny) is mopey about it. 

There’s a lot of talk about behind the scenes turmoil, particularly with Josh Trank has disavowed it and blames the studio, the studio blames him… it’s all a mess. I don’t really know who’s telling the truth, and quite frankly, I don’t care. Trank claims “This isn’t his vision.” And? Other than complaining at every step of the process, we haven’t seen his vision. The thing is, this isn’t anyone’s vision of the Fantastic Four. It’s a science fiction movie, and not even a good one at that. It’s a long, slow, slog through a superhero origin story and a vision on how not to make a movie, period.  It’s a superhero movie that’s embarrassed to be a superhero movie. The Fantastic Four deserves better than this. By the second lab montage or the second inexplicable time jump, someone needed to point out that this isn’t a Fantastic Four movie. 

4 out of 10. 

Summer Movie Season: Bad Vacation

Exactly how I felt about halfway through this movie

I thought of many different ways to start this review/experience/view of the new Vacation movie, the latest attempt to revive the National Lampoon’s [insert descriptor here] Vacation movie. But there’s only one thing you need to know: The movie starts with a shot of a random dude’s buttcrack. Then it manages to go downhill from there. 

Warning, this could contain spoilers, or this could contain the fact that I’ve watched this so you don’t have to. That part is up to you.

Vacation stars Ed Helms, taking over the Rusty Griswold role from... well, the many different people who’ve played the role. (Including Anthony Michael Hall, who’s presence would have made for a funnier movie.) He’s a pilot for a small, local airline, and we’re treated to the sheer comedy of him groping a woman and little boy accidentally for a few minutes before we get to the comedy gold that he’s not very assertive. As we see with one scene with Ron Livingston as a rival pilot. Don’t worry, the movie won’t comment on this until the very end.

Realizing his family is in a rut, after a very uncomfortable dinner scene that wastes Michael Keegan-Key and Regina Hall, Rusty decides to take his family to Wally World! We’re assured that this is not a re-do of his original vacation in a very meta scene that was spoiled by all the trailers. (And you know how I feel about spoilers.) His wife, Debbie (Christina Applegate) and his two kids don’t really seem up for the idea, but they’re just excited not to take the same trip that they had taken their entire lives to some cabin in a moment that’s thrown off pretty quickly, but hints at... problems to come! 

So they’re off on their cross country road trip in their rented car that... doesn’t make quite any sense, but it’s foreign and they don’t get it so that’s the joke. They stop at Debbie’s old college and learn about her wild college days with plenty of booze and vomit. There’s more gross understandings. Yes, Chevy Chase and Beverly D’Angelo make cameos to pass the torch to the new generation. And they get to Wally World, and they all learn a little bit more about each other .

Ok, so where to start.

Let’s start with Rusty’s Kids, played by Skyler Gisondo and Steele Stebbins. Skyler plays James, the sensitive older brother, and Steele plays Kevin, the younger brother that’s meant to be mischievous, but plays more like a psychopath than an “aw, shucks isn’t he cute” younger brother. Maybe you can be treated to one of the many scenes where he actively attempts to kill his brother. I don’t mean in a fun way, he has a recurring joke where he puts a bag over his brother’s head. I get part of that is to show off how clueless his parents are, but really? And by the third time, it’s obnoxious. 

Then there’s the subplot that’s hinted at heavily, but never discussed but it’s ok it’s handwaved away in the one scene. Basically, Debbie spends the movie reading “The Help.” If you guessed that the jacket cover hinted that their marriage was falling apart, well, then, you’re right. Debbie is thinking about leaving Rusty. It’s never mentioned, and there is the recurring motif (I can’t believe I used that word here) where her ring keeps falling off, but it’s never really addressed until Rusty finds the book, and they realize “hey let’s just work it all out, right now.” And they do. And it’s never mentioned again. 

The ring falling off leads to a funny cameo by The Walking Dead resident badass Norman Reedus. That was kind of funny, I guess.

I get that the original Vacation movies won’t win awards for subtlety, but they knew when to back off sometimes. When Debbie vomits for the third time after chugging a beer to do a beer run, it just seems excessive. The car exists for the sheer purpose of throwing around a few “wow this car is weird” jokes, which get tired. Same with the sensitive brother, which shows so many moments of being brilliant only to fail, Miserably. 

And I haven’t even touched the Chris Hemmsworth scenes. He’s in a loveless marriage with Aubrey, also now played by Leslie Mann, in a scene where Rusty of course has to go visit in his sister because let’s bring everyone in.  He’s basically a ripped cattle rancher/weatherman/perfect guy who is sent to threaten Rusty and his marriage with Debbie. (After they go swimming in toxic waste.) 

I’m surprised we didn’t get a few scenes in Randy Quaid’s jail cell. But yeah, the scenes with Chris Hemmsworth exist as they were filmed, and now we can at least say that Red Dawn isn’t the worst remake he’s appeared in.

As for Vacation, it did serve an extremely important function: It made me appreciate Hot Pursuit more as a summer movie. 

Three out of Ten. 

Book Report 52 Project: I Was The Cat by Paul Tobin and Benjamin Dewey

Think about the different between a cat and a dog for a moment. Dogs are fun loving bundles of energy that are happy to see you, and pretty much just want love. Cats, on the other hand, want you to bring them food and if do not bring them food fast enough, you probably will become their food. And yet, we’ve invited them both into our homes. We classify them both as “pets.” But one loves you unconditionally, and one puts up with your presence long enough to be fed, maybe scratched behind the ears, and sleeps 20 hours a day.

So the idea of a megalomaniacal cat as seen in Paul Tobin and Benjamin Dewey’s Graphic Novel, I Was The Cat is far fetched only insofar as it seems unlikely that a cat would be awake long enough to attempt to take over the world. 

I Was The Cat is the story about Allison Breaking, a blogger with problems. (Well beyond the stupid name, I’m guessing.) She is almost broke, and her blog “Breaking News” (Oh, NOW I get it) isn’t doing so well. So when she receives a phone call from a mysterious Burma asking her to write his memoirs, she can’t really refuse. Here’s the kicker: Burma is a cat. A cat on his ninth life, and he wants to chronicle how he, a simple house cat, has been wrapped up in many historical events, including romancing Audrey Hepburn and his stint running messages for the British in World War 1. He’s been a busy little animal.

Some of you may remember that I crossed paths with a book of Paul Tobin’s before… the sexually obsessed wasted premise Superhero novel Prepare to Die! I have to admit, I did a terrible English Major thing, and I judged a book by it’s cover. I walked into a brand new comic book store that apparently had been in a location in a mall (remember those, kids?) for a few months but for some reason I didn’t notice it. Upon my entrance, I was drawn to the graphic novel section and a book with a cat on the front. In the vague recesses of my mind, I remember hearing about this book, so I quickly purchased it. It was when I got home that I realized it was another Paul Tobin book. But, in fairness, I didn’t have a problem with the concept or writing of Prepare to Die! so I was willing to give this another chance.

Unfortunately, a lot of the problems of that book were here, too. (Not the sex part, thankfully. I don’t know I could have handled a sex-obsessed cat.) 

Let’s start with the good: this is a pretty fun book. It’s hard to go wrong when you’ve got what amounts to a James Bond type book but the focus is on the cat the villain is stroking as opposed to the man himself. It was interesting to see all of different lives of Burma, and how he was weaved within history. Plus, the characterization of Burma is awesome, he’s very aware of the ridiculousness of the situation. In fact, there’s an air of ridiculousness in the whole book, which I think is important. It’s when something takes itself too seriously that it becomes impossible to really enjoy. 

The art is pretty good, too. Dewey manages to work in his depiction of London as something that’s actually alive. There is always something go on in the background, people are talking, lives are being lived. It feels like the busy city that it actually is. He gets little details right that make the story worth reading. 

However… we need to talk about the ending. I’d say spoilers follow, but, well.. nothing happens.

The entire graphic novel feels like a prelude to something else. Or rather, it WOULD feel like a prelude to something else, if it was actually building towards something. In the story, it turns out Burma IS still trying to take over the world, having some complex scheme with food additives. Or something. There’s a spy trying to stop him, he doesn’t. And then the whole thing ends with Allison saying, ‘I’ll write your story” and, that’s it. Of course, she’s been with him the entire time, learning the story, so it’s not so much as a revelation as I felt the publisher messed up and put a page in the back that needed to be towards the front. This is not a revelation, it’s the plot of the freaking book. Or lack thereof. 

It’s unfortunate, but this lack of a climax completely brings the book down. It’s fun learning about Burma’s previous lives. I mentioned the Audrey Hepburn thing earlier, because it’s actually a really fun sequence. But like the rest of the book… it doesn’t really go anywhere. What could have been an interesting story about a cat and the world is just sort of… meh. 

Tobin has shown once again that he’s brilliant when coming up with some GREAT concepts with books, but in the end, he doesn’t know how to execute them. Maybe if we had more spy scenes. Or maybe it could have been focused more on Allison’s dilemma of whether or not to work for him. To me, this is the worst kind of book, because it wastes potential. I can handle a bad book. What I can’t handle is a book that manages to waste a great premise and spend more time trying to be mysterious rather than tell a great story, or hit upon some of the better jokes. 

So, should you read this book? I don’t know. Ultimately it’s an interesting book. Yes, there’s the “Breaking News” pun that is so difficult to get through. I can’t really recommend it too much, though. There’s a joke from the Simpsons that I frequently use when describing movies. It’s a hot day and they want to go to the movies. So, they pull up to the theater and see a sign that says “FREE AIRCONDITIONING WITH MOVIE!” I sue that to talk about movies that aren’t terrible enough to be called awful but not good enough for you to run out and see now. That’s pretty much of which this book is the equivalent. I guess I just expected more from a book about our kitten overlords.

Book Report 52 Project: A Once Crowded Sky by Tom King

I love comic books and superheroes.

I know. You’re shocked. Shocked. Unless you don’t read this blog regularly, then it may be a bit of a surprise, I guess. But this love of superheroes has given me an odd quest, and that’s to find a great superhero novel, which seems to be increasingly difficult to do. I thought I’d found it last year with Paul Tobin’s Prepare to Die!, but I found it mostly to be a fantasy of an oversexed superhero rather than the compelling portrait of a superhero that has accepted his mortality and just given up. 

So, when I heard about another superhero novel, A Once Crowded Sky by Tom King I was very intrigued. All of the superheroes in the world, giving up their powers to fight a mysterious calamity, except one! A hero, the Ultimate, sacrificing his life with all of those powers to stop this calamity, creatively named “The Blue.” (Not making that up. The big problem is a color, found readily in nature.) One hero refuses to give up his power, and to make the twist even better, it was PenUltimate, the Ultimate’s sidekick! And, despite the fact that he refuses to give up his powers... he’s retired! What could have caused him to retire? And what of all the super villains? Will they take advantage of this superheroless world? 

Here’s where I talk about another issue that plagues me. You see, unlike most people, I can handle something bad. A bad book? I’ll still slog through it, because even in it’s badness there’s something good, even if it’s enjoying how terrible it is. I remember one particularly bad novel called April and Oliver that was terrible, and yet, I managed to make my way through because I could appreciate it. Bad movie? Hey, there’s a certain fun in calling out just how terrible it actually is. I didn’t enjoy Transformers 4: More Explosions and Inappropriate Glances at a 17 Year Old, but hey, I could appreciate that it’s still giant robots wailing on each other. 

No, what I can’t stand is something that wastes it’s potential. Star Trek: Voyager is my least favorite Star Trek series not because it was bad... I still enjoy the characters and the acting is decent... I hate it because of the wasted potential. They could have done so much more with Captain Janeway and her crew.

This brings me back to A Once Crowded Sky. I didn’t hate it because it was a bad book. I hated it because it wastes every potential to shoehorn a superhero story into a fable about the war on terror. And fails. So miserably. 

As mentioned, the book focuses on a world where all heroes are tasked with giving up their powers to a vaguely described energy burst that is destroying the world called “The Blue.” The Ultimate sacrifices himself, and his sidekick doesn’t give up his powers because reasons that are never fully explored, because he retired for reasons that aren’t fully explored, and people hate for all of these reasons. If you’re worried that the novel will spend too much time on it, don’t, because the novel spends almost no time on it. There’s one former superhero (that only shows up at the beginning in a very awesome scene, and then at the end because oh, crap, she’s barely mentioned in the rest of the novel and we have to wrap up her story somehow) that seems vaguely mad Pen (as he’s known) but we find out in her brief scene that she’s his ex, which brings in many other connotations to the scene.

There is also the Soldier, who knows the secret behind the “virus” that caused all the super villains to kill themselves when the Blue (God, I hate typing that as a real problem for people to solve) struck. (Spoiler: He did it. And he’s wracked... WRACKED with guilt about it for a few scenes. Easily two.) Don’t get me started on his supernatural sidekick that may or may not be the actual devil and despite the constant appearances and so much potential for the nature of evil and what’s right in a better novel, makes no sense here. Just... none.

The other problem that this novel has with trying to tell a superhero story in a novel form is the fact that it’s too clever for itself. Chapter titles are given using Comic Book Titles and numbering... and there’s a character who can see the future and writes it all down in comic book form. Not drawn comic book form, mind you, but as a writer writes the comic book form, lest you forget that this is based on a comic book. He’s also the only one who knows what the Blue actually is, and for a while it appears that the threat is comic book itself, but... yeah.

The other thing that needs to be addressed is the very repetitive nature of this novel. Not just in form... no, paragraphs get repeated to the point that you can skip entire sections without missing a beat. But also scenes. Entire. Scenes. Not even in a way that is satisfying or to make a point. But let’s take the main hero, Ultimate, and his creation. Once again... spoilers... but you find out that he brutally murdered Pen’s parents while under the influence of an evil villain, and he also brutally murdered another kid’s parents who becomes the super-future seeing guy. He brutally murders so many people that this book that by the end you have to wonder what a “hero” is.

Ultimately, that’s what makes this novel not so “Bad” but “Frustrating” because it wastes so many good ideas... a world without heroes... what does it mean to be a hero... hard decisions... in such a glossed over manner. If Pen has retired, then why does it matter if he gives up his powers or not? What about the countless other superheroes who have given up their powers... how are they affected? There’s an entire sub-plot where Pen is being monitored that is removed in five seconds after the Ultimate brutally murders the guy who’s watching him... why is this dropped? What about the villains? Or the nature of evil. Last week I talked about a novel that starts off in the modern world but then invites you into it’s strange world. A Once Crowded Sky is content to remind you every few minutes that you’re reading a novel, and hold you away from the world at arm’s length. And that may be the most frustrating thing of all. 

       The Quest for a Good Superhero Novel Continues...