Summer Movie Season: A Superhero Movie that's Embarrassed to be a Superhero Movie

I’ve seen a lot of superhero movies in my life. I love superhero movies. The truth is, we all love superhero movies in some way. Sure, they may not dress up in tights or the newest trend of dressing up in cooler looking pleather. They may not all have cool code names, or carry magic hammers. But we admire people that can do extraordinary things, even if we don’t affix the title of “Superhero” to them. Even Generic Buddy Cop Movie 7 would be boring if they spent all their time filling out paperwork. The Fast and the Furious Movies would get old if Dom wasn’t an expert driver or bank robber or whatever wacky situation he gets himself in and then makes himself an expert. So, yeah, I like Superhero movies, just like everyone else. And when it’s billed as a superhero movie, that’s even more incredible, it means we’re going to get a double dose of superhero antics. But what happens when you try to make a superhero movie but then don’t actually allow the superheroes to show up?

The newest version of Fantastic Four is essentially that: a superheroless superhero movie. And it fails. Miserably. 

(Spoilers, I guess? I feel this whole thing has been discussed and super discussed. I’m not going to ruin anything for you.) 

Fantastic Four tells the story that the previous for attempts at making a movie about the Fantastic Four tells: Four scientists build something extraordinary, get zapped with some dubious science sounding stuff, then turn into a superhero team known as the Fantastic Four. The stretchy Reed Richards (Miles Teller); The Invisible Woman Sue Storm (Kata Mara); The Thing Ben Grimm (Jamie Bell); The Human Torch Johnny Storm (Michael B. Jordan). Sometimes Victor Von Doom comes along. In this version he does. 

This version pull from Marvel’s Ultimate line, so instead of going into space and being zapped with cosmic rays (that would just be silly) they go to another dimension and get their powers via magic (I mean sciencey) green ooze.

The movie starts with an extended prologue, because when you’re doing a superhero movie the thing everyone wants is an extended prologue that stops us from getting to the action, where a young Reed Richards is mocked by his teacher and classmates in 2007 for wanting to build a device to teleport himself, because that’s what happened in 2007 when people wanted to dream big and the big news story (that he references) was that transporters were within reach. So naturally, he builds one, because a sixth grader that can do that will fly under the radar. He also makes friends with Ben Grimm, who lives in a junkyard. 

Quick note: this scene also reveals that The Thing’s catchphrase was first said by his “abusive brother who beats him while yelling it.” This is part of this summer’s apparent need to find controversy in everything. Yes. He yells it. No. He’s his brother who beats him up. The mere fact that someone says “this is abuse!” while Vacation featured the running gag of one of his brothers trying to kill the other (hilarious!) makes me wonder about the future of movies in general. 

Anyway, we fast forward another 7 years to another science fair when Ben and Reed are still building the teleporter, and they get it to work. Of course, no one believes them, except… Franklin Storm, and his daughter Sue who wants Reed to work on the real thing. I would say at this point that finally we’re getting there, but we also have to watch as Franklin recruits Victor Von Doom and his shaky accent to help finish the machine, and his son Johnny who was busy drag racing, complete with little Mario Fire plant decoration in his car, which caught on fire during the race, just in case you need to be reminded that one day he will be the Human Torch.

Several extended conversations and montages where they build the machine later (I’m getting bored typing this) it’s time to go into the other dimension. Of course they’re not allowed to go, so Reed concocts a plan for them to sneak into it late at night, along with his best friend who is not a scientist, and use the machine to go into the alternate dimension. Because that’s a great idea, right?

Look, I could get this buildup if this were a science fiction movie exploring the dangers of science and ego, which it does a great job of setting up during this time. But this isn’t a science fiction movie. It’s the Fantastic Four. The only recognizable part we’ve really seen is a dude yelling “It’s clobbering time” while beating up his younger brother, and that’s dubious at best. 

So, yes, Reed, Von Doom, Johnny, and Ben all go into the other world, Von Doom is lost to the green goo, and everyone who went was magically scientifically changed to their respected superpowers with an extended sequence that shows Ben getting hit with rocks, Johnny being set on fire, and Susan, who did not go on the trip, getting hit with the returning portal thingy and getting her powers of forcefield. 

What follows is a horror show of powers: Reed screams as he’s being pulled in all directions, Susan fading in and out, Ben begging for his life, and Johnny… well he’s sort of quite. It’s pretty clear out of cast members, Michael B. Jordan is probably Josh Trank’s favorite. 

To point out: We have had almost an hour and fifteen minutes of exposition, a trip to another world and everything sucks. That’s an hour and fifteen minutes where there’s a setup to a group getting their powers when just about everyone in the theater knows they’re going to get their powers. It’s not a secret or a surprise. It’s in the title, on all the marketing. Why do we have to wait so long to see it?

Then there’s another time jump of a year: Ben’s being used as a weapon by the military, Johnny and Sue are being trained to be weapons, and Reed is in hiding trying to find a cure. You might think that this would lead to some cool action sequences where Ben is fighting, maybe has some moral quandaries about it. Maybe a training montage with Sue and Johnny. Don’t worry, the director spares you from that and just has some grainy footage of Ben fighting and a few minutes of Sue and Johnny doing… stuff… so we can get to the real action: Reed and his deep emotional turmoil while wearing a goofy suit that can expand with him. 

I could keep going. Yes, they eventually fight Von Doom, finding him in the other world, in a mishmash end sequence that features Reed  giving an inspirational speech, and the least convincing “Hey, what should we call ourselves” moment that would be even worse had Avengers 2: Age of Ultron hadn’t pulled the EXACT SAME JOKE earlier this year. 

For all it’s faults, let’s face it: Man of Steel at least got Superman in that costume with as little set up as possible, and let him run out and do stuff. Even lauded superhero show that tried to pretend it wasn’t a superhero show Daredevil still got Matt Murdock into a costume soon, even if it wasn’t the familiar red costume. This movie actively avoids setting these people up as heroes for as long as possible, and even when it does it takes the literal destruction of the Earth to start to get them to try to do anything about it. Even then they’re not a team so much as a group of scientists doing science stuff for science. 

This movie suffers the similar problems of the Hulk movies, (and why he subsequently worked with the Avengers) is because most of the focus is on the curse of being the Hulk. You know that cheering that happened when Mark Ruffalo turned into the Hulk and then smashed the giant lizard thing in the Avengers? Yeah, that’s because we don’t want a tortured Bruce Banner for two hours, we want The Hulk, smashing. We don’t want an hour of setup to a team getting their powers, then all wanting to be rid of them because they’re some kind of curse. Really the only one who should be mad is Ben (and he is, until he isn’t.) But instead everyone (except Johnny) is mopey about it. 

There’s a lot of talk about behind the scenes turmoil, particularly with Josh Trank has disavowed it and blames the studio, the studio blames him… it’s all a mess. I don’t really know who’s telling the truth, and quite frankly, I don’t care. Trank claims “This isn’t his vision.” And? Other than complaining at every step of the process, we haven’t seen his vision. The thing is, this isn’t anyone’s vision of the Fantastic Four. It’s a science fiction movie, and not even a good one at that. It’s a long, slow, slog through a superhero origin story and a vision on how not to make a movie, period.  It’s a superhero movie that’s embarrassed to be a superhero movie. The Fantastic Four deserves better than this. By the second lab montage or the second inexplicable time jump, someone needed to point out that this isn’t a Fantastic Four movie. 

4 out of 10. 

The Only Major Research Paper that Used the Phrase "Boxing Glove Arrow"

           In my most recent regeneration as an English Graduate Student, I’ve had to take a wider variety of classes other than ones with the broad term of “teaching” and “how to make kids listen to you.” They were great classes, but I’ve found the ability to take a class in say, film or Shakespeare, or whatever the hell a novella is, really interesting. It’s a cool thing, really to be able to explore those things I really want to explore and write about them.

            Unfortunately, with Graduate school being Graduate school, there are required classes, and this semester I had to take one on the ever so fascinating subject: Research. How to do it. How to write it up. How to cite it. Yeah. The stuff itself is as exciting as it sounds. Fortunately, for the final project, we were able to write about anything we want, so long as we have a coherent argument and did that research thing the class was about.

            Naturally, I wrote about comic books. (I was going to something about the spiritual representations in The Big Lebowski, but I’m saving that for my Thesis.)

            More specifically, I wrote about Green Arrow, a superhero that started out as a minor character but has gained more and more popularity over the years. And the thing is… he quickly became my favorite Superhero.

            The paper I did specifically focused on his reinvention in the 1970’s from fun loving, quipping, billionaire playboy to social anarchist and hero to the common folk. Let me put it this way: If anyone had tried this Affluenza defense (the defense that some people are too rich to go to jail) they would have found themselves in the business end of an arrow from the Emerald Archer.

            I gained a newfound respect for Green Arrow. He started pretty much as a joke, a hybrid Robin Hood/Happier version of Batman that showed up when they wanted Batman but they didn’t want the darkness involved with him. He’d attack bad guys with his non-lethal array of trick arrows, the most famous being a “Boxing Glove Arrow” that would knock the bad guys out. Yes, at one point firing boxing gloves at people’s faces was deemed an acceptable means to stop crime.

            Around the 1970’s he was changed. Not given a new character with newer origins for the sophisticated 1960’s audience like Green Lantern or the Flash. He wasn’t given a bold new look or an updated background or even new powers. In fact, he was just sort of… changed. One minute he was quippy Green Arrow. The Next he was threatening to beat up Green Lantern for threatening to send a kid to jail.

            That’s interesting to think about. Out of all the comics created in the 1940’s, only a handful of characters survive as we recognize them. Mild Mannered Reporter Clark Kent. Billionaire Playboy Bruce Wayne. Both of which have had multiple TV Shows, comic books, movies, action figures, appearances in other shows, and even breakfast cereals about them. If you show a kid in Africa who doesn’t speak English a Superman “S”, chances are he’ll know what it is. We technically can’t go a few years without naming a reigning actor to play Batman. (Although we’ve depleted enough of this resource to be all the way up to “Ben Affleck.”) So, it’s these guys and Green Arrow, most of people would identify as the latest gritty reboot of Robin Hood if they ever got a real look at them.

            The thing is, this “conscience” version of Green Arrow is the prevalent version of the character. The fact that he’s the moral center of the DC Universe- fighting outside the law, openly defying it if need be to do what is morally right – has been the character presented in modern pop culture. From the TV Show Arrow (which is the best Comic Book show on television now… sorry Daredevil fans.) to his appearances on Justice League Unlimited, where he’s recruited specifically to keep the Justice League in check, he’s more of a moral crusader, doing what is right in the face of an increasingly bitter or corrupt world. I’m starting to respect that more and more as the way a hero thinks.

            I guess I’m just saying I’ve grown to respect this character even more as time has gone on. I’ve grown to really like his story, and I’ve grown to see him as more than just a superhero with a bow and arrow. I’ve even grown to respect the boxing glove a little bit. Maybe more than before, but still not back up to actually try using one. (They seem very impractical. )

            It’s nice when research can come together.

Can he Swing from a Thread?

By adding Bad Shakespeare 52 and Bad Shakespeare Takes England as regular features in my blog, it has made my job a little bit easier because I’m not searching around for what to write about which often takes up most of my blogging time. I mean, I do this as a hobby and as a way to stretch my muscles. And, of course, there’s going to be that sad day that I will stop writing regular blog posts and have to start the inevitable “Hey, guys, it’s been a while, hasn’t it? Here’s what I’ve been up to.” That also makes Mondays a little bit harder, because I’m now using that for just about anything I can think of, and that isn’t always readily available, either. I guess what I’m trying to say is…

OH MY GOD THEY’VE FINALLY ADDED SPIDERMAN TO THE MARVEL CINEMATIC UNIVERSE!

Ok, to the non-nerds in the audience, I feel kind of bad that you will never know the sheer joy there is in seeing Spider-Man team up with Captain America to punch evil in the face. But, I think this requires some explaining.

So, many of you not born before 2000 (who are now 15. Let that sink in for a little bit, America.) may not realize that there was a very dark time in Comic Book Movie History. There was a time when making a comic book movie was a bit of a gamble… see Roger Corman’s Fantastic Four… Oh, yeah, that’s right, that was never supposed to see the light of day. There was also a dark period where Batman was played by George Clooney, and there was an entire movie spun off from Superman that featured Shaquille O’Neal in one of the worst superhero costumes in the world that never once used the word “Superman” in any point. I remember going to see that one in the Theaters, kids. It was the first time I was the only one in the movie theater, and the first time I went to see a movie that didn’t have a movie poster associated with it. I think I asked what time the next showing was and they asked me “What time can you be here?” 

Oh, and for some reason we thought that it would be a good idea to give Judge Dredd a wacky sidekick.

In any event, you know the big two comic book franchises… DC and Marvel… were looking to branch out in exciting new directions for their superheroes. DC had already had some success in re-inventing superheroes for the big screen with Superman 1 and 2. Those were great, but quickly devolved into evil Superman vs. Richard Pryor (no disrespect to Richard Pyror) and Superman vs. a living ball of Nuclear radiation. Even these weren’t perfect, as it featured the most Gene Hackman version of Lex Luthor you’ll see, and brand new Superman powers like amnesia-kiss and cellophane giant S, which had the power to mildly inconvenience the bad guy for a few minutes. 

DC was ambitious, though, and kept finding some mild successes, like Michael Keaton Batman. So the hope was that one day, we’d get some epic superhero movies from DC Comics, featuring Superman, Batman, and even Wonder Woman.

These were hopeful times, kids.

Marvel, by the way, which owned X-Men, Fantastic Four, Iron Man, the Avengers, Spider-Man… they didn’t have it as good. After a… we’ll just call it a “movie” featuring the punisher, they had to go back to the drawing board. You see, Marvel vs. DC in the movies boiled down to this: DC said: “we have a guy in a Bat costume that fights crime. Find a guy who looks good as Bruce Wayne, then find us seven stuntmen to make him look good while he fights off the bad guys.” Even Superman was done in the 1950’s because they could just show a guy jumping out of a window on a set. Making a DC movie isn’t hard.

But Marvel… Marvel’s big draws feature a kid who climbs walls and a guy in a mostly iron suit, and let’s not get started on the Hulk and the “special effects” used to paint a guy green for a few scenes. They aren’t as easy to make, for some reason. Even Captain America’s costume featured rubber ears on the outside of his mask for some reason and well… I hate to tell you this, kids, but Nick Fury was once played by David Hasselhoff. 

So… Marvel sold the rights to a lot of their characters to different studios to keep themselves afloat and to live the dream of one day putting Tobey MacGuire in a Spider-Man Costume. Sony owned some. Fox owned the X-Men. And it was only recently that Marvel started their own studio and said hey… let’s make a bunch of standalone movies, then have them team up, then build ourselves Scrooge McDuck style money bins for us and our mistresses.

That’s why a big frustration for those of us who really love DC Comics Properties has been how the hell we’ve managed to get an Avengers movie… a movie that had to negotiate the use of one of it’s characters because another movie claimed they owned him and shoehorned him into the plot… before a Justice League Movie, which features the slam dunk team of Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, and Aquaman.

Hey…. don’t knock the king of the sea. He’s cool again.

This tirade brings us to the roundabout point I’m making about Spider-Man. Spider-Man has been part of a lot of different team-ups over the years. He was an X-Men, briefly. He was a member of the Fantastic Four. And he was an Avenger. So, the large belief was: We managed to get the Hulk on the screen in a halfway decent fashion, why aren’t we getting Spider-Man teamed up with Iron Man?

And it was studio politics. Sony wanted to make it’s Spider-Man movies, and try to team him up with literally anyone before they got him into the Avengers. I’m surprised we didn’t see Spider-Man vs. Taft before we got him on the Avengers. But they relented, and now… now we’re going to see Spider-Man in the comic version of the Civil War, where he famously revealed his identity to the world, thus joining Iron Man against Captain America. These are icons, folks. ICONS. We never thought we’d see together, on the screen, fighting against each other. Or teaming up. It goes both ways with comic books.

So, join me in welcoming Spider-Man home. Join me in the endless possibilities that arise from the fact that Spider-Man can now team up with the Avengers, like he should be doing. Join me, in celebrating this small victory for nerd-dom. 

Now… about Ghost Rider 3….

Book Report 52 Project: A Once Crowded Sky by Tom King

I love comic books and superheroes.

I know. You’re shocked. Shocked. Unless you don’t read this blog regularly, then it may be a bit of a surprise, I guess. But this love of superheroes has given me an odd quest, and that’s to find a great superhero novel, which seems to be increasingly difficult to do. I thought I’d found it last year with Paul Tobin’s Prepare to Die!, but I found it mostly to be a fantasy of an oversexed superhero rather than the compelling portrait of a superhero that has accepted his mortality and just given up. 

So, when I heard about another superhero novel, A Once Crowded Sky by Tom King I was very intrigued. All of the superheroes in the world, giving up their powers to fight a mysterious calamity, except one! A hero, the Ultimate, sacrificing his life with all of those powers to stop this calamity, creatively named “The Blue.” (Not making that up. The big problem is a color, found readily in nature.) One hero refuses to give up his power, and to make the twist even better, it was PenUltimate, the Ultimate’s sidekick! And, despite the fact that he refuses to give up his powers... he’s retired! What could have caused him to retire? And what of all the super villains? Will they take advantage of this superheroless world? 

Here’s where I talk about another issue that plagues me. You see, unlike most people, I can handle something bad. A bad book? I’ll still slog through it, because even in it’s badness there’s something good, even if it’s enjoying how terrible it is. I remember one particularly bad novel called April and Oliver that was terrible, and yet, I managed to make my way through because I could appreciate it. Bad movie? Hey, there’s a certain fun in calling out just how terrible it actually is. I didn’t enjoy Transformers 4: More Explosions and Inappropriate Glances at a 17 Year Old, but hey, I could appreciate that it’s still giant robots wailing on each other. 

No, what I can’t stand is something that wastes it’s potential. Star Trek: Voyager is my least favorite Star Trek series not because it was bad... I still enjoy the characters and the acting is decent... I hate it because of the wasted potential. They could have done so much more with Captain Janeway and her crew.

This brings me back to A Once Crowded Sky. I didn’t hate it because it was a bad book. I hated it because it wastes every potential to shoehorn a superhero story into a fable about the war on terror. And fails. So miserably. 

As mentioned, the book focuses on a world where all heroes are tasked with giving up their powers to a vaguely described energy burst that is destroying the world called “The Blue.” The Ultimate sacrifices himself, and his sidekick doesn’t give up his powers because reasons that are never fully explored, because he retired for reasons that aren’t fully explored, and people hate for all of these reasons. If you’re worried that the novel will spend too much time on it, don’t, because the novel spends almost no time on it. There’s one former superhero (that only shows up at the beginning in a very awesome scene, and then at the end because oh, crap, she’s barely mentioned in the rest of the novel and we have to wrap up her story somehow) that seems vaguely mad Pen (as he’s known) but we find out in her brief scene that she’s his ex, which brings in many other connotations to the scene.

There is also the Soldier, who knows the secret behind the “virus” that caused all the super villains to kill themselves when the Blue (God, I hate typing that as a real problem for people to solve) struck. (Spoiler: He did it. And he’s wracked... WRACKED with guilt about it for a few scenes. Easily two.) Don’t get me started on his supernatural sidekick that may or may not be the actual devil and despite the constant appearances and so much potential for the nature of evil and what’s right in a better novel, makes no sense here. Just... none.

The other problem that this novel has with trying to tell a superhero story in a novel form is the fact that it’s too clever for itself. Chapter titles are given using Comic Book Titles and numbering... and there’s a character who can see the future and writes it all down in comic book form. Not drawn comic book form, mind you, but as a writer writes the comic book form, lest you forget that this is based on a comic book. He’s also the only one who knows what the Blue actually is, and for a while it appears that the threat is comic book itself, but... yeah.

The other thing that needs to be addressed is the very repetitive nature of this novel. Not just in form... no, paragraphs get repeated to the point that you can skip entire sections without missing a beat. But also scenes. Entire. Scenes. Not even in a way that is satisfying or to make a point. But let’s take the main hero, Ultimate, and his creation. Once again... spoilers... but you find out that he brutally murdered Pen’s parents while under the influence of an evil villain, and he also brutally murdered another kid’s parents who becomes the super-future seeing guy. He brutally murders so many people that this book that by the end you have to wonder what a “hero” is.

Ultimately, that’s what makes this novel not so “Bad” but “Frustrating” because it wastes so many good ideas... a world without heroes... what does it mean to be a hero... hard decisions... in such a glossed over manner. If Pen has retired, then why does it matter if he gives up his powers or not? What about the countless other superheroes who have given up their powers... how are they affected? There’s an entire sub-plot where Pen is being monitored that is removed in five seconds after the Ultimate brutally murders the guy who’s watching him... why is this dropped? What about the villains? Or the nature of evil. Last week I talked about a novel that starts off in the modern world but then invites you into it’s strange world. A Once Crowded Sky is content to remind you every few minutes that you’re reading a novel, and hold you away from the world at arm’s length. And that may be the most frustrating thing of all. 

       The Quest for a Good Superhero Novel Continues...

Shakespeare's Super Soliders

Tomorrow (or tonight for lucky people like me that have a ticket) the world will be amazed/astounded/nitpicking/hating/overanalyzing/generally mehing the newest superhero movie Captain America: The Winter Soldier. a.k.a Captain America: Those of us who read the comics already know who the Winter Soldier totally is, prepare to have your mind blown. 

As much as the armchair commenters that have to write and go on the news a whole bunch because they need content like to constantly complain about how we’re being overrun with this new fangled phenomenon of Superhero movies, the fact is we’ve been interested in Superheroes since we first thought of stories. Wasn’t Hercules just Superman in a toga? Zorro and the Scarlet Pimpernel were early Spanish and English versions of Batman. Our early warriors were all people who could do amazing things, from Beowulf slaying Grendel to King Leondius holding off an army of 10,000 with only 300 soldiers. (And was turned into a superhero comic/movie/action-fest.)  And without the fancy car, I guess. We’ve always been obsessed with people who can do those special things we wish we could do.

What makes Captain America so interesting is that he’s not just a superhero, injected with a Super Serum that makes him super (that’s a little redundant...) but he’s also a solider, which sort of makes him unique amongst the heroes of today. Superman is just a guy who was on the right planet at the right time. The Hulk is someone that needs to learn the importance of using “lead” and “radiation suits” when testing “nuclear bombs.” Even those that chose to take up the mantle of hero, like Batman and Iron man, are driven by some kind of tragedy that causes them to take up the mantle of hero. 

The fact that Captain America is a soldier is important. 

You know who else was obsessed with the idea of the soldier superhero? William Shakespeare. (The name of the series is Shakespeare 450. Where did you think I was going with this?)

William Shakespeare seemed to have a respect for soldiers, even if they ended up with some kind of tragic downfall. Keep in mind the tragic flaw is a pretty big reason a lot of heroes end up falling in tragedies, even today. Walter White was free and clear until his pride stepped in. So giving these superheroes tragic flaws are just part of the job, and not so much a comment on heroes. 

Yesterday I talked about Caius Marius, who went out and won a war, pretty much by himself in Coriolanus. Here was have a prime example of a super-soldier, loyal to a fault, willing to throw himself on the line not even for a cause or his hometown, but because he has a need to fight. (When asked to be domesticated, he runs to the front line to join the enemy!) His mother suggests that he shows off his scars to show how great a warrior he is.

There’s also everyone’s favorite general, Othello. He has almost magical powers. No, really, one of the charges leveled against him is that he managed to bewitch everyone into believing him. (Given the absence of witches, fairies, and wizards in this play, he probably didn’t. Shakespeare never had a problem using those.) Some people lived in fear of these magic powers to the point that they tried to kill him. But remember, before that he was a general loved, despite the fact that he was a Moor, living in Venice, which at that time didn’t go over to well. The fact that he was able to rise to such a power was... super! (I went there. Deal with it.)

Let’s not forget Macbeth, the cursed Scottish King. Again we have an example of a guy who does his best. When he meets the witches, he’s coming home from a successful battle. Let’s face it, he’s not the most heroic of Shakespeare’s characters, what with the murdering children and all, but he managed to work up a plot to kill a king, any of his supporters, and rise to power. Now there is some debate on whether he could have done this without murdering the king, but Macbeth is also a great Frankenstein story... the story of someone who is created, pushed into power, and then everyone wonders why it went south so quickly. But he makes the list because of his ability to lead an army, by force if needed. I’m also putting MacDuff on here, simply because when push came to shove it was MacDuff that commanded an army that destroyed the other guy, because he’s that awesome. 

Lastly, I’m going to put on there Sir John Falstaff, the Fat Knight. Not really “super” at first, until you get to his death in Henry V, and you realize just how much influence the funny dude had on the King. They were estranged at the end, but he is felt so much in a play he’s not even in, it’s uncanny. 

There are many other examples (such as Henry in Henry V.. that’s where we get the famous “St. Crispin’s Day Speech”) but I wanted to highlight these, because I believe them to be the most superheroic of all the soldier’s in Shakespeare’s play. They may not have done anything fancy like throw a shield, but they are pretty important as we look at Super-Soldiers in history.

Casting Doubt

Kids, ask your parents. Or Google. Trust me, this picture is hilarious.

Recently, they announced the new cast for the third reboot of the Fantastic Four movie, hitting movie screens sometime between the sequel to the reboot for the new Superman movie franchise, and the original version of the Avengers that hasn’t yet been rebooted but features a rebooted Hulk. I shouldn’t say “they announced” so much as I probably should have said “they confirmed rumors that were leaked months ago” which is more accurate, probably by people who, if not authorized to leak such information, were probably rebooted themselves into new jobs.

Naturally, since it was announced, everyone on the internet was completely happy with the casting, there was no controversy, and everyone is eagerly awaiting the next big screen adventure of Reed Richards, Ben Grimm, and the Storm siblings, Johnny and Sue. The internet community came together to give the movie a big thumbs up and let them know that they were on the side of the actors, who all proved themselves. 

Naw. I’m kidding. This is the internet. 

I’ll skip most of the casting made up controversies that were extremely minor during this time, and mostly due to lack of research, and cut right to the big one, the casting of Michael B. Jordan as the Human Torch. Because he’s a different skin color than the guy in the comics. Of course, the guy in the comics can also shoot fire out of his hands, hangs out with a guy who can climb on walls, and died recently. (But got better, so it’s ok.) Also, he was once played by Captain America, fully confusing people that can’t tell the difference.

My one and only problem with Michael B. Jordan is that he didn’t think to take a stage name. Michael Keaton’s real name: Michael J. Douglas. He took the last name “Keaton” as a stage name because there already was a Michael Douglas in Hollywood. I wish that Michael B. Jordan had respected this, and changed his last name, too, as to not confuse him with underwear selling legend Michael (No B.) Jordan. End of problems with him.

Michael B. Jordan is actually a really good actor, having been in the Wire, Fruitvale Station, and Chronicle. I liked him in the parts of Chronicle I’ve seen, and I really don’t have a problem with casting him. He’s young, he’s charismatic, he’s pretty much what I might envision the Human Torch as being, had the Human Torch been first written today and not back in 1961, back when Michael B. Jordan wouldn’t have been allowed in certain restaurants, much less in space to be hit with Cosmic Rays. He’s young, he fits the part in most ways, but I would have been a little happier if they had gotten an actor that could also control fire by yelling “Flame on.” But hey... nobody’s perfect, right?

Naturally there are complaints because he doesn’t fit the traditional (re: white) model of the Human Torch. I can understand these complaints a little bit more because the Human Torch comes from a more visual based medium of comics, where he’s drawn and pretty much storyboarded out for the audience. Keep in mind I said I can understand it, doesn’t mean I agree that much. At the end of the day, the Fantastic Four are a fictional group of people that don’t really exist in the real world, so as long as an actor can pull off “FLAME ON!” with a straight face or “It’s Clobbering Time!” without breaking character, that’s really the pre-requisite for being able to play a character.

Thanks to the internet, there have been a lot of made up controversies over casting lately. We talked about Ben Affleck doing his best to not Ben Affleck-up the new Superman movie with is Batman impersonation. There was the brief dust up over people who couldn’t read, being mad about the skin color of Rue in the first Hunger Games movie, forgetting of course that despite the fact that she reminded Katniss of her blonde-haired, blue eyed sister, the character was in fact, black in the book. Back when Glee was first starting to Glee, people were mad that a REAL disabled actor wasn’t cast for the role of the one guy who’s in the wheel chair. And of course trans* people are mad that Jared Leto won his Oscar, and they didn’t cast a real trans* actor in the role.

I’m torn, because there are two points I’d like to make here. First being, all of those people were mad a few years ago back when they cast a certain actor in the role of a villain. Everyone was angry... how could they? How could they cast this actor in this iconic role, how badly will Heath Ledger screw up the next Batman movie in the role of the Joker. We all saw how that turned out.

The second being that people tend to forget that these are actors, playing parts. When you watch the next episode of Supernatural, I’d like to remind you that Mischa Collins, despite being an angel for his charity work, is not actually a fallen angel who has defied heaven. Sandra Bullock is definitely not an astronaut. (Thank God.) Jennifer Lawrence isn’t a shapeshifting, manically depressed dancer, who occasionally fights teenagers in a reality show. They’re actors. Michael B. Jordan’s one job is to look good long enough for the CGI Team to cover him in flames, then he can sip a nice cup of tea while yelling out his action lines. If he pulls that off, it will be a rousing success. Provided they don’t just put another rubber suit on a guy for the Thing. That looked bad.

I understand being protective of fictional characters, I really do. I understand having a certain look in your head for characters, and having that ruined. I understand it even more that this character is already drawn, and thus has a certain look that people already have in their heads. But the Human Torch isn’t real. Which actor would really be good for this role if you took look out of it? Basically, someone who’s a bit of a smartass, is able to look heroic, and is pretty charismatic. I think people tend to forget that Sue and Reed are the scientist, Ben is the working class guy meant to heave stuff around, and Johnny is the cocky pilot, who in the comics butts heads with Spider-man constantly and was so unimportant to the team he’s been replaced by a floating, talking robot, and, well... Spider-man. 

I’m just saying once again, let’s wait and see. I know this post hasn’t talked much about the fact that he’s supposed to be Sue Storm’s brother. I hope they don’t even acknowledge that he’s black and she’s white. It would blow everyone’s mind. The problem is, I really don’t see any of this as that big a deal. As I said, the comic was written in 1961. Of course the guy going into space would have been white. It’s 2014. It’s time to move on from this, and just see how the actor is going to do in the role. 

Amazon Princesses Are Too Far Fetched. Get Me A Talking Raccoon

A few weeks ago, we were treated to a preview for the next next Marvel Universe Movie: Guardians of the Galaxy. (That’s not a typo. The Next Marvel Universe Movie is going to be Captain America: The Winter Soldier.) As readers of Bad Shakespeare know, I’m a sucker for a good superhero movie. I’ve been looking forward to the Captain America movie for a while, and I’ve certainly been looking forward to Guardians of the Galaxy, despite the fact that my knowledge of the comic book is limited to knowing that there’s a genetically engineered raccoon on the crew that can talk and fire a gun along with his plant bodyguard. 

I really typed that. A movie is coming out, aimed at mostly adults, that features the guy from Parks and Recreation teaming up with Uhura, Former WWE Champion Bautista, a talking raccoon voiced by Academy Award nominee Bradley Cooper, and a giant, talking plant who is the muscle of the operation. 

While this looks like a fantastic movie, I wanted to take a moment to point out that this movie is coming out well before a Wonder Woman movie. A talking raccoon. Saving the galaxy. From aliens. This alone points out the big problem with bringing my favorite superheroes, the DC Comics ones, to the big screen.

I’m a huge DC fan. It doesn’t really come from any preference other than that’s what I was exposed to first: Growing up with Superfriends and the classic black and white Superman TV series, reruns of Batman with Adam West, and Wonder Woman with Lynda Carter... this eventually led to me reading the comic books, starting with Superman and moving on to the Flash, and other DC comics heroes. I didn’t have a problem with the X-Men or Avengers, they just didn’t catch my interest the same way.

The problem is that DC Comics had a huge hit with the latest Batman series by introducing a grim and gritty “serious, Oscar nominated” “film” and they forgot somewhere along the way that it’s a story about a rich millionaire in a bat suit. Even the latest Superman movie, which I enjoyed, tried to be serious “film” rather than being a fun story about a guy who can fly. (The other one that tried to be fun Green Lantern, was woefully misunderstood. It was fun. It was enjoyable. Everyone needs to lighten up. He’s a space cop with a magic ring that allows him to make whatever he wants. How did you think it was going to end up?)

DC Comics has been trying to get a Wonder Woman movie off the ground since... a very, very, very long time. I keep pushing for the idea of having a WW movie simply because she’s one of the “big 3” of DC Comics. Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman are considered the three most popular characters in DC comics. And it’s true, show a Batman, Superman, or Wonder Woman symbol to anyone... including people who don’t speak English... and they’ll understand what it is.

So... why are we getting a talking raccoon before we get a movie about one of the most iconic characters of all time?

The truly sad thing is that there was a Wonder Woman movie written... by Joss Whedon... several years ago, and it was rejected. Sadly, this failure forced Joss Whedon to start working on a little indie film that would become The Avengers. I don’t think many people saw it. I’m hoping that one day he’ll get back on his feet. (That’s sarcasm. He’s one of the people responsible for a talking raccoon to beat Wonder Woman to the movie screen. This is what’s called irony, boys and girls.)

So why write about this? Because I care about movies. I care about the comic books that I enjoy reading. I get a thrill from seeing Batman swing across the night sky and knock out the Joker. I love seeing Superman fly. And I’d like, in my lifetime, to see Wonder Woman on the big screen. Yes, I know she was cast in the movie that’s rapidly becoming Superman vs. Batman vs. Wonder Woman vs. Who Else Can We Get On Screen in a misguided attempt to replicate what Marvel did with the Avengers. But she’s playing a bit part in a movie that’s already going to be overstuffed, and probably take itself way too seriously. 

The thing is that there can be a mix of fun vs. seriousness... take a look at Arrow, one of the best shows on television right now that you’re probably not watching. You should go watch it. Now. I can wait. Back? Great, isn’t it? Some of the early goings are a little too serious, but it started to joke around, thats when it started to become fun.

Comic book movies should be fun. We shouldn’t have to wade through so much seriousness to make a fun movie about what should be superheroes... things we’ve been obsessed with since we first invented Beowulf or Hercules... doing superheroic things. I mean... even the latest Iron Man movie, one of the most fun movies to come out in years, decided that they needed to give their main character PTSD in order to make it more realistic, rather than saying “Wow, I just threw a nuclear bomb at a group of aliens!” and dealing with that feeling.

So get it together, DC Comics. Get us some fun movies, including a fun Wonder Woman movie. Sometimes we don’t need everything to make sense. Sometimes, we need a wisecracking raccoon and his tree alien pal. Then, of course, an Amazonian Princess brought to the world of man to fight alongside an alien from a dying planet and a rich boy with daddy issues can’t be too far behind.

I'll Probably Never Really Grow Out of Wanting To Be A Superhero

                I was all set today to do some of my usual advice for graduating college seniors, the first of which being that the real world sucks, and you should probably just stay in college. But then I came across this story from Blastr.com about a school banning “Wrestling, Super Hero Play, and Monster Games”… you know, all those things that made pre-school (and some sections of High School) worth living. And here’s a good lesson for graduating seniors: if you’re passionate about something and you see wrong-doing, then do something to fix it.

                Why the hell would we want to ban children from expressing creativity, passion, and sense of adventure. Let them be superheroes before they're too old to know better.

                Let’s get the academic stuff out of the way first. Let’s not forget that all of the earliest stories are about Superheroes. That’s the first place the mind has gone. The earliest recorded stories are of fantastic men and women doing fantastic things usually against fantastic odds and fantastic creatures. One could even call it “fantastic.” Perhaps four fantastic individuals can form a team one day.

                Moving on.

One of the first heroes, Hercules, was a dude who was half god and had to perform miraculous feats while battling a goddess. (And his evil mother. That also leads to mother-tropes in fantasy and early fiction, but that’s another post. Let’s focus out outrage on this Superhero thing for now.) One of the earliest and boringest things they make you read in school is Beowulf, a dude who fights an evil monster and dragon, a feat that no other hero could perform. It’s almost like it’s “superheroic.” And that’s one of the earliest recorded stories, ever. But I’ve discussed the early origins of Superheroes to death, and why you should love them and bring a Superman comic into class for your next book report.

I get, logically why some school administrators want to ban “Super Hero Play.” (Note how I spell it. I spell it the right way.) I get that ultimately, they want to stop 5 year olds from rough housing, which is sort of like asking the rain not to be wet, or Ben Affleck to stop Ben Afflecking. Kids are going to be kids, and they’re going to rough house. So, why are we stopping them from throwing on a towel, saying, “I’m Superman” and rushing to save the day?

Superheroes are an ingrained part of our culture. Of all cultures. Why can’t we use them to teach kids what Superhero play is all about? (I can’t keep spelling it their way, guys. Sorry.) Why can’t we use superheroes to teach responsible lessons? Superman protects the innocent because he can. He’s stronger than everyone else. Batman, despite the fact that can knock a man down with the wave of two fingers, resorts to violence as a last method. He dresses as a giant bat to scare people into submission. Spider-man is a kid trying to find his way. Green Lantern is an intergalactic space cop with a magic ring that can make anything he wants. (See. Now you know why the movie failed.) The list goes on and on.

Or why not use these lessons to start to get to stories about heroes from the past. Superman is a gateway to the Greek Myths and ancient gods that expected it’s heroes to be larger than life. Batman is a ripoff of countless heroes that came before him, not the least of which being the Scarlet Pimpernel. What about the superheroic team-up of Athos, Porthos, Aremis, and D’Artangan?

I remember when I was little, I created my own superhero. He was invincible. I remember making my mother carry around a cape and a mask that she made for me so I could become him at any time. And while I knew about Superman, Batman, and Spiderman, this was a superhero of my own creation. And that made it all the more special to me. I still remember that hero until this day. (If you’re nice to me, one day I’ll share his name.) And while I like to think I grew out of it, the Green Lantern Ring (or some variation) I wear every day is my little reminder that superheroes are always going to be a part of me. And sometimes, no matter how old I get, it’s just fun to pretend you are one.

I’d hate to think that there’s some kid out there who gets to be denied pretending he’s a superhero because someone is afraid he’ll get hurt. There’s plenty of time to get hurt out there, and putting on a fake cape really is the least of your concerns.

Just remember to teach them that no matter what they’re wearing, they can’t really fly.

Yep. Kal-El Cage. I'm not Making that Up.

It’s April, which means of course it’s Birthday Season for two very important people that influence this blog. The first, of course, is William Shakespeare, who is 449 years young today! And if William Shakespeare were alive today, what would he be most famous for?

                If you answered Hamlet, Romeo and Juliet, or Othello, you’d be wrong. No, if William Shakespeare was alive today, he’d be famous for being the oldest man in the world. Just a little birthday humor. Sorry, blog writing is a lonely place. I find humor in it where I can.

                Of course, we don’t know what day William Shakespeare was actually born, but all records indicate that he was baptized on April 26^th , so most people celebrate the Bard’s birthday on April 23^rd, which was yesterday at this point. And as this blog loves to remind people on his birthday, yes, William Shakespeare existed, and yes, even though he stole the plot of just about every play he ever wrote, he did write his own plays. If he were alive today, other than the whole “being the oldest man” thing, William Shakespeare also probably would have given us several variations on Die Hard, including probably Olympus Has Fallen because he’d like to work with Gerard Butler more than Tatum Channing. But this is all speculation, we only know for a fact that William Shakespeare enjoyed working with Bruce Willis.

                Happy 449^th, Mr. Shakespeare.

                The second birthday I’d like to celebrate has to do with a date that occurred last week on April 18^th. That was the 75 Anniversary of the launch of Action Comics #1. Action Comics #1 featured the first appearance of Superhero Icon, Superman. Red trunks, giant “S” on his chest and all. And I’ve decided that this year, we’re going to celebrate.

                And we’re going to celebrate not just because there’s a new Superman movie, Man of Steel coming out. We’re going to celebrate because it’s important to think about legacies. Now, I just got done thinking about William Shakespeare… a man who’s legacy is pretty much etched in stone until someone discovers, The Tale of William Madison, Fool of Venice and discovers that Adam Sandler was, in fact, a Shakespearean actor. But Superman is different. Whereas William Shakespeare spends much of his time being accused of being fictional, Superman is fictional. But he’s been an inspiration to many, including myself.

                I’ve written in the past about the idea of superheroes and how they can affect us, and how every culture has had its tales of extraordinary people who do extraordinary things and we look up to them, from Hercules to Zeus to Odin to Brad Pitt. So Superman is in a long line of outsiders who simply want to make this adopted world something better.

                Superman was always important to me. He was the outsider who could do anything, but it wasn’t just that he could do anything, it was that he could do anything but chose to help. Superman is a conscious effort to make things better because he can. And yes, the character has been re-interpreted and made sad, and made a bad guy…. But he’s also a guy filled with boundless optimism that things can get better. He keeps throwing Lex Luthor in prison because he genuinely believes that Lex can be a better person and help humanity. He doesn’t spend 24/7 as Superman because he doesn’t think the world needs him the whole time. Look, I may not be able to knock planets out of the sky with my heat vision, but I can hope, and I can hope for the world to be a better place. Superman is an ideal. It’s something we can all aspire to, even if it’s a little thing for a couple of minutes.

                Enough smarm. Let’s keep things light on this Bad Shakespeare celebratory post.

                So, let’s take a minute to say Happy Birthday as well to Superman… a creation that has inspired millions, including one Nicolas Cage to name his son after you. And not after your human name, either. After your Kryptonian Name.