Monday, September 16, 2013

The Danger of Pumpkin Overconsumption

Dear Girls Left to Clean the House While Your Wicked Stepsisters Go To the Ball,

We here at Fairy Godmother, Inc. do understand that it’s that time of year - Fancy Ball Time! We also understand that many of you will be left behind with nary a chance to meet the handsome prince that will lead to you a Happy Ever After (TM) (At least for a little while.) However, we have some sad news to report.

Pumpkin spices stuff is everywhere. Literally everywhere, threatening our supply of Things to Turn into Carriages. (TM)

We were not concerned at the beginning. Pumpkin Pie is a staple of fall. A Pumpkin Spice Latte on a cool autumn morning is a nice refreshment. Our Fairy Godmothers would even enjoy a nice pumpkin ale when watching football games after a long night of transforming mice into humans and ensuring you were out of there by midnight. 

But then everything became pumpkin. M & M’s. Oreoes. Toothpaste. If you can put it in your mouth, someone, somewhere has made a pumpkin spice version. It’s causing a shortage that we haven’t seen since mice were declared demons in the fourth century. Little mousy cheese eating demons. People were stupid back then. I digress. 

There were a lot less princes then, so there was a little less impact, but we still had that brief time when we had to dip into rats. They were surly. And one of them bit one of our future princesses. We may have the same situation once the we have to start using apples, squashes, or various other fruits to create our carriages for our future princesses.

How can you assist with the shortage? Well, for starters, you can get those requests in early. No amount of forest animals assisting you in the making of a fancy ball gown is going to let your wicked stepsisters get you to go. In fact, drop the forest animals helping you. That’s just creepy. 

You know they won’t let you keep the dress. You know it.

You can also assist by finding another way to meet your personal Prince Charming. Feel free to prick your finger on a spinning wheel. Make a deal with an imp. Fall asleep in a glass coffin. Turn into a mermaid. Grow out your hair. Find one of those Princes who was trapped in a tower. Keep in mind there are plenty of well proven methods out that don’t include fruit and rodent based travel to an iffy overpriced dance party with questionable footware. 

       Please keep in mind that this is also going to affect the Jack O'Lantern Department as well, but we believe that zucchini will have the same demon-thwarting effects. I guess we will see this year, won't we?

We appreciate your assistance during this difficult time. We are confident the shortage will end as soon as people re-discover apples and start turning things into cider, or once people discover the refreshing taste of butternut squash.

Please direct any questions to the nearest, brightest star, make a wish, and one of our magical wishing consultants will be with you as soon as possible.

Thank you,

The Fairy Godmother, Inc.

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