Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Phineas and Ferb Ain't Got Nothing On Me

All. The. Money.
Summer is upon us! And after the winter we have had, I can honestly say I have never looked forward to a summer so much in my entire life. No more will be faced with the ever-present threat of sub-zero temperatures. No more will we be getting snow that even Mr. Freeze, noted Batman Villain and Arnold one-liner generator, holds up his hands in protest and says, “please… stop.” No more will kids get to experience that wonderful feeling as they see yet another day off from school is upon them. No, actually with that they’re going to have the opposite problem of being in school even longer as a result of the first part. Sorry, gang.

But, as we switch from complaining about the winter’s snow grasp of coldness to summer’s blinding heat and mosquitos, it’s important that we remember that Summer is no picnic either. Unless you’re going on a picnic. But we have to remember that survival is important during these warmer months, even more so than the colder months. Remember, you can put a lot of clothes on to get warmer. However, you can only take so many clothes off before you get arrested. In any event, Bad Shakespeare is as always here to help.

The first step to beating the heat is to go back on Facebook and look at the progression of the snow-related posts everyone has made. It can go from “Wow, look at the peaceful snow, slowly blanketing the Earth!” to “Snowed again last night. Pretty”. Then gaze as it then became, “Wow, more snow, huh? I’m not sure how I’m going to get my car out of the parking lot today”. Followed by, “Again? Did we anger some weather shooting God?” And finally, just a picture of us sobbing as we look up the most reasonably priced Flame Throw on Ebay to send this dastardly cold stuff back to Hell!

Quick note: The best place to get a reasonably priced flamethrower is Flamethrowers, Flamethrowers, Flamethrowers in Canada. Say what you will about Canada, they know how to make a decent Flamethrower. And French Fries… with Gravy!

As the heat starts to roll in, the other thing to remember is that for many of us, our legs haven’t seen the sun since well before we’ve seen any footage of Guardians of the Galaxy, and all objection to it was speculative, rather than the awesome, action packed space adventure Marvel is paying me to say it is. But that’s why the best, most CGI’d movies are saved for the first part of summer. Make sure you wear those shorts to the movies with pride, and cook them gently on the CGI’d heat of Godzilla’s fire, or on whatever is coming through the screen when Wolverine takes the stage in X-Men: Days of Future Past, also being brought to you by Marvel this summer. But in a different timeline, so they won’t meet up with the Avengers, even though that movie would make all the money in Hollywood. Literally all of it. Want to tempt Chris Evans into doing it with a small, indie film? Too bad, no one would have any money left from seeing X-Men vs. the Avengers 900 times in three days. Worried how your Superman movie is going to do? Terrible, everyone is watching X-Men vs. Avengers that at this point has been on the screen continuously for six years and managed to win best film twice, because no one can make another movie because everyone is watching that.

You hear me, Marvel and X-Men makers. I just made you all the money. Ever.

The important thing to remember that 90 degrees in June feels very different than 90 degrees in August. In June, we’re just emerging from the cold, dank winter, having feasted off that damn groundhog who hates us all. We’re learning to feel again, we’re learning to love the heat again. We are worshipping at the teat of the sun, which is now providing us with glorious, glorious heat, a chance to show off our bodies (or not, in some cases) a chance to bask in it’s heavenly rays, and give Netflix an opportunity to get some new shows for us to binge watch since we can only watch American Dad so many times in one sitting. (Or your choice. While we’re on the subject, bring back King of the Hill, Netflix.) 
By August, of course, 90 degrees is the devil’s temperature, a cruel trick played by Mother Nature in an attempt to destroy us all, and drive us back into our subterranean holes where by now, not only is your air conditioning not working, but Dave, the friendly air conditioning fix-it man now charges triple to get that sucker back up and running.

I don’t like you very much, Dave. 

But allowing those Netflix episodes to re-spawn will allow for some great August, “I hate you summer” watching.

It is important to remember as you are going through summer that by August, you should be back on your high-fat, low energy diet plan so that you are storing up enough fat for the winter. Fattening up for winter is what the diet companies WON’T tell you when they’re hawking their various products. Laugh all you want, but my heating bill is almost zero in the winter; Big Macs are my blankets. 

While we’re on that subject, remember that the winters tend to go in different cycles. We just had a “hey, do you remember what grass looks like?” type winter, so that means if this winter dips below 33 and we see half an inch of snow, it will be a lot. (Also, you’re going to hear a lot, “Remember LAST winter? Now that was bad”. Ignore these people as they were sent by bad people to make you remember bad things.) In any event, you’ll need to jump on that bandwagon today for your miracle Sno-B-Gone or new and improved shovel or whatever product you’re going to hawk in order to make it seem like last winter is going to last. 

We were all caught unaware when winter hit like a ton of ice-bricks this year. With a little preparation, we will be able to survive even the mildest of Summers around here. Phineas and Ferb ain’t got nothing on me. Up until my air conditioning breaks.

Damnit, Dave…

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