Wednesday, May 14, 2014

The Summer of Frasier

The one on the right will be in at least four movies this summer. One with Harrison Ford.

At this point, it has been the Summer Movie Season for two weeks. We’ve been Amazed by Spider Man a second time, and we’ve been further amazed as a Seth Rogen Comedy managed to knock Spider-Man out of the number one spot after only a week, leaving a lot of Spider-Man analysts questioning their careers as Spider-Man Analysts. (Much like the sad culling of the Hulk Analysts a few years ago. Most of them are still hanging out on the street wearing the remnants of their tattered purple pants. )

As nothing has really bombed too hard or not been as great as we are expecting (I was looking at you, A Million Ways to Die in the West… then you had to release that damn trailer showing Doc Brown from Back to the Future. You may end up being TOO good. I’ll look forward to Godzilla disappointing me.) it’s difficult to say if we will truly be blessed by Joss Whedon this Summer Movie Season. I’m still a little baffled by the number of Kelsey Grammar movies coming out. Thus I’m dubbing this the summer of Frasier. 

Many people wonder how it is I can attend so many movies during the summer. I mean, it’s nice out according to them, when what they mean is its hot, so you go inside then get to cold, then you get sick, then you repeat the process until you’re attacked by crippling fall allergies. The best place to spend your summer is the movie theater; climate controlled, all the popcorn you can eat, and if you get there at the right time and see the right movie you only have to fight like, two people for the perfect seat. I just saw Spider-Man 2 in IMAX on a Thursday morning, and had the entire theater to myself.

Thankfully for all of you, I’m putting together my list of the best ways to get the most out of your summer movie season. Ladies and Gentlemen, here’s the best way for you to survive the Summer of Frasier. 

1. Make a comprehensive list of what movies you want to see. In this day and age, it’s super simple for you to set up a list of every movie you want to see in the summer, just go to your computer’s Google machine and type it in. Please note, if you say, “but I have “Bing” then I’m obviously aware you are a liar or it sponsors the show you’re on so you have to use it. It’s ok.

2. Set up your movie times carefully. There’s the temptation to see it on opening night… don’t do it. This will be full of Johnny Come Latelys and Sally Wannabes that won’t appreciate the movie the way you do. No, you want to check it out later at night, or at any advanced screening you can possibly get your hot little hands on. 

3. Some people will tell you not to wear the shirt of the movie you’re seeing to the movie. But how will they understand your dedication? Plus, you should cosplay whenever possible. Break out that Spider-man Mask. Got your Seth Rogen Costume? The fake Ninja Turtle shells? But make sure you’re being somewhat reasonable with this. Cosplaying X-Men: Days of Future Past = Fun and Challenging. Cosplaying The Fault In Our Stars = Less Appropriate.

4. On that note, I’ve often spoken about the group I movie with. Still on the fence with The Fault In Our Stars, what will the whole sobbing uncontrollably at the trailer thing. In the very least I’ll be bringing tissues, and yes, I’m trying to make them uncomfortable a little.

5. Watch your snacks. This is a rookie mistake. The proper popcorn of course, is lightly buttered using a straw to deliver as much butter distribution as possible. Go for a bottle of water, because the soda can keep you in the bathroom longer. Candy is ok in a pinch, but remember the markup on movie theater candy is about 500%, with all of that profit going to the evil candy lobby that doesn’t serve peanut butter M & M’s in movie theaters anymore, thanks to a vast conspiracy that I’ll go into much later. Also, remember the Holy Grail of movie theater snacks is sneaking in a burrito from Chipolte. 

6. Some of you may feel the need to throw in an art film during the Summer Blockbusters to show out arty you can be. Resist this urge. Remember: Only you can fight the lack of CGI Talking monkeys in a movie. Caesar needs you. He needs you to watch his movie.

7. On that note, only you can prevent Adam Sandler as well. Put Drew Barrymore in it all you want, it’s not 50 First Dates. It’s just not.

8. Always make sure you know the layout of the movie theater. Don’t worry about an emergency, if a fire does break out do you want to panic or do you want to watch Kelsey Grammar hang out with Sylvester Stallone and Harrison Ford before his surprise cameo with Professor X? Exactly. No, it’s important that you know how to get to your theater, which seat you’re going to pick, and where the snacks are.

9. There are marathons this movie season. Watch them. All of them. Do it.

I hope this clarifies how I treat my summer movie season. Let the Summer of Frasier continue.

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