Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Your Guide to Summer Fashion!

Whelp, ladies and gentlemen, we are officially past Memorial Day, which means despite the fact that those mean scientists keep telling us that Summer won’t hit for another month, it’s unofficially summer! As the weather changes from Disney’s carefully crafted long-term advertisement for Frozen to the warm weather that will make us all wish we were in Frozen (R.I.P. Olaf. I’ll leave a carrot on the curb for you) every news source and website turns its attention from whatever is happening in the news to the age old debate:

What is appropriate to wear in the workplace during the summer months when the fires of Hell itself scorch the Earth?

Yes, places that bill themselves as legitimate news sources dedicate time and energy to telling people that perhaps they shouldn’t be wearing flip-flops to the office, tell the “younger generation” that they should cover up, helpful ways to dress up but not really dress up, or other helpful “tips” that are either outdated, rehashed, or just plain common sense. Yes, careful reader… you probably should leave the “No fat chicks” shirt at home.

Well, thinking about this, I realized: hey… I’m a source of something. And I don’t have an office job. So I can help, because I’m helpful like that. So here we go, ladies and gentlemen… Bad Shakespeare’s tips for proper dressing for the office this summer.

-I kind of feel that the office weirdo gets left out of most of these articles. Office weirdo, you keep wearing those mismatched sweaters and wildly inappropriate-for-the-weather outfits. Ski parka? Absolutely. Aviator googles and a gladiator helmet in case you hit a personalized wormhole and get sent back in time and have to face off against Roman Gladiators? Absolutely. 

In fact, I would recommend everyone do the last part. Just in case.

-Men of course, are expected most of the time to wear a shirt and tie. The summer really shouldn’t be any excuse to dress down. Remember that there are many combinations of fabrics that should make any shirt light, breezy and easy to wear. There are also many different combinations that will not only help with the weather, but help convey a message.

Rolling up your sleeves, while keeping your arms cool will tell everyone you’re ready to get down to work and get into the weeds of the important project.

Undoing your tie signifies that you have been working long hours… longer than your so-called co-worker who is sitting there in his linen shirt, obviously not working at all. 

Untucking your shirt, unbuttoning the bottom and tying it in a knot exposing your stomach signifies that you’ve shed your winter weight, and you are ready for summer mating.

-Superheroes: We appreciate the time you save by wearing your superhero outfits under your suits, but really, we appreciate it. That bank won’t be saved any faster because you had to change completely. Unless you can control ice. Then to hell with you, you’d better be on duty all the time when we get to August and summer just won’t end.

-Now for my advice for what is appropriate for women to wear to the office. Actually, it’s a message to every other person out there giving women advice on what to wear to the office: Don’t. you’re not going to win this one. If you’re a male blogger/writer/fashion advice guy… unless your first name is “Tim” and your last name is “Gunn”, just don’t. 

-When going to a concert after work, there is some debate if it’s ok to wear the shirt of the concert you’re going to. Some people say, “don’t be that guy, wearing it.” However, I feel it’s important for my co-workers to know that the Dave Mathew Band rocks. The best way to show that is the commemorative shirt I bought for way too much money at the last show I went to.

-Footwear is important. I recommend throwing away all of your shoes in May. Just go barefoot. If you’re working hard enough, your feet are under your desk already, right? It’s not like anyone can see it.

-Also, bathing suits should be worn under every outfit. Not only will this get you in the summer mood, see the Superhero comment: you have the ability to change from boring office to summer sun in a few minutes.

-Speaking of which, if you get sunburned, it’s your duty to wear something that shows off the sunburn as much as possible. This will serve two purposes: 1) it sends the message that you did venture outside, mole-like eyes blinking in the light, and you allowed your precious, precious skin to bake in the late afternoon sun for a few moments. And 2) it allows us to give you advice that we’d never take of the most disgusting stuff you can slather on that skin to help avoid a few hours of pain.

Strawberry Jelly. Trust me. Works like a charm.

-Keep in mind that no matter what you wear to the office, you’re going to offend someone. At some point this summer, it will be hot enough that you’ll show up in shorts and a Hawaiian shirt along with a shiny “What are you going to do about it?” look upon your face. You get two. Use them wisely. 

Very, very wisely. 

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