It's Movie Genre Time!

I’ve seen a lot of movies this summer. All types of genres: action, science fiction, drama, comedy... it’s been a plethora of movies. (And remember, you can only call something a plethora if you know what a plethora is. Steve Martin rules.)

However, it was while I was watching the remake of Olympus Has Fallen, the Jamie Foxx-Channing Tatum vehicle we’ve all been clamoring for, White House Down (which I gave a 3 out of 5... not a bad movie. Could have used more cool one liners and explosions), I started to realize that these genres just weren’t doing it for me. I mean, yes, White House Down is an “action comedy movie.” But it’s some much more. It ignores the fact that the movie starts off with a single person fighting against a bunch of bad guys, then teams up with a partner who just happens to be the President. (Unlike Gerard Butler, who didn’t need to team up with anyone to get the job done.)

So, I think it’s important to explore a more specific brand of genre so we can properly discuss movies. I mean, if you’re going to do something, you need to do it right.

Whedonesque: This is a film that’s similar to Joss Whedon’s work, and it’s characterized by making you fall in love with a character just in time to watch them meet a grisly demise. They do all this while making quipping comments. Joss Whedon managed to turn Much Ado About Nothing into something quite Whedonesque. Also, had Gilmore Girls killed off Dean in the fourth season, it probably would have been classified as Whedonesque. (Better than having him con Rory into having sex and cheating on his wife... sorry.. that’s another post.) The Fifth Element is sort of Whedonesque, although no one really dies except the bad guy. But It’s Gary Oldman, so you love him.

Die Hard in A....: This is probably the most prolific of unrecognized genres out there. I mean, we all know that Die Hard, in addition to being the best Christmas movie ever, is also one of the best action movies that was allowed to be blasted into our eyeballs. But a lot of people have tried to copy the formula by sticking one lone man who’s tight t-shirt or tank top makes him impervious to the thousands of bullets whizzing past his face while he makes witty comments and tries to make a catchphrase out of just about anything. Sometimes, they’re successful, like Olympus has Fallen. Sometimes they’re less successful, like White House Down. Sometimes they’re not successful, but time will vindicate them, like Lockout. (It was a prison. In Space. And he had to save the President’s Daughter. In Space. How do people not recognize this as the greatest movie ever?)

The Comeback: This one is great because it can encompass literally any genre, ever. But we know the story. An actor goes off the rails. We all eventually get tired of following the breakdown in US Weekly, so it comes time for them to come back with some spectacular piece of filmmaking that will win them tons of acclaim and we throw Oscars at them, and then they sell their tragic story to People. Then they probably go away for a little bit before having another Comeback. I kind of miss it, because we haven’t seen to many of these lately. I think we’re due, but Lindsay Lohan, the person most likely in need of a Comeback, hasn’t really produce a high profile, good movie in a while. Maybe Charlie Sheen will help us out in Machete Kills. Speaking of which...

The So Bad It’s Good: This is another one that I feel is well known, but at the same time is sort of mixed up with the Liking it Ironically genre. So Bad It’s Good, has a ton of intentional bad acting, bad editing, bad music choices, etc... so we can go in, recognize that a man’s head doesn’t explode when it’s hit like that, but we like it anyway. The Ironic genre is more a bunch of hipsters or “film buffs” deciding that they read a book on filmmaking once, and break apart rules they don’t themselves understand, but the e-book they illegally downloaded to their hipsterpad (that’s so much better than an iPad) told them that it was bad. So Bad it’s Good knows it’s not a good movie walking into it. No one is claiming otherwise, but it can be enjoyed on the merits of its badness. 

I obviously have some issues to work out with hipsters.

The One that the Media Decided What it was going to be Three Months Ago: So, I’m not going to start on a rant of how much the media can manipulate storylines, because everyone has their opinion on it. But sometimes, they’ll pick a movie. For instance, let’s take one from this Summer: Man of Steel. Now, the Superman Shield on my right arm makes me more prone to enjoy this movie, but if you look at some of the news stories, as soon as the writer and the director were picked (Zack Snyder and David Goyer) they said, “ooooh... is it going to be dark, or is going to be bloody like 300?) Then they all threw in the “controversy” that wasn’t for the ending. They ignore all of the facts, and continue to press their genre. It’s noble in a way. Let’s also take Green Lantern. Somewhere along the line the media decided that a movie about a test pilot that became an intergalactic space cop with the help of a magic ring was going to suck. So surprise, when a movie about a test pilot that became an intergalactic space cop with the help of a magic ring came out, it somehow didn’t live up to their expectations despite the fact that is set every single expectation. I hate this genre.

The Nicolas Cage Movie: Any movie starring the man, Nicolas Cage. This also encompasses 3000 Miles to Graceland because Nicolas Cage should have starred in this one. But didn’t for some reason. (It was about Elvis Impersonators that robbed a casino, then double cross each other. The bad guy claims to be Elvis’ son. HOW WAS HE NOT IN THIS MOVIE?)

The Gritty Origin Reboot: I don’t mean the superhero genre of retelling the same origin story but using darker lenses to film it. I mean the Disney Star suddenly starring in a movie where he or she is drinking heavily, swearing, and having sex on film so we can now think of them as adults. 

One Year Later...

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, friends and enemies, Dr. Who fans and people who don’t like cool sci-fi shows about time traveling aliens and thus don’t like fun... welcome to either the last post of Bad Shakespeare’s first year, or the first post of Bad Shakespeare’s second year. It’s all about perspective. Either way, welcome to this post. For those of you just joining us, welcome. For those of you that stuck with it for the year, thank you.

    It’s tempting on birthdays, anniversaries, or just in general anything that we use to mark the passage of time, to look back. I’ve fallen into this trap plenty of times. The thing is, looking back isn’t always healthy, particularly if you’ve had a year like mine. While there has been some good, there has been some bad, and I find myself back closer to square one than I would like. Which sucks, because square one is really the only numbered square we like to talk about. Most setbacks don’t take us back to Park Place, or Reading Railroad, and there’s rarely a chance at the community chest. Plus, I promised all of you that this was not going to be a downer. This is a celebratory post! I’ve stuck with this blog for over a year and over 150 posts! I get more views now in four days than I did the entire first two months that Bad Shakespeare existed. That’s something to celebrate.

    So rather than dwell on what I’ve already talked about, let’s start talking about the future! (That line is so much better if you read it in Doc Brown’s voice. “Marty, we’re talking about the future!”) And I don’t just mean a future filled with evil wizard overlords who pul us all into human zoos and circuses so we can perform our mortal tricks for their amusement. I’m not even talking about the future of me, where I’m planning on being a teacher, and possibly Spider-man, if I could get just one radioactive spider to live long enough to bite me.

    No, ladies and gents... I’m talking about the future of.. Bad Shakespeare.

    For you see, I recently went out to Godaddy.com, which I noticed because it has all the commercials which either exploit women, or feature hot chicks (perspective, people.) and I made a little purchase. You all are reading a post by the man who now owns Badshakespeare.com. No one, not even the people who sold it to me, could believe that it was for sale. But it is. I own it.

    Right now, it’s little more than a collection of screens letting you know that someone has purchased it. The plan is by December, to move badshakespeare.blogspot.com to it’s new home at Badshakespeare.com.

    “But wait,” you’re saying, “a whole website dedicated to nothing more than your blog? You’re mad! MAD I TELL YOU! Isn’t that a lot of money for just someone who wants to blog about being a teacher?”

    I appreciate the compliment in saying that I’m as crazy as Tesla after a few too many cocktails.

    “We didn’t say that, we just said you were crazy.”

    Meh. I take compliments where I can find them. You’re right, I’m not dedicating Badshakespeare.com to just my blog, which while amusing isn’t amusing enough to carry everyone’s attention. My plan is to bring in other aspiring writers, and set up other blogs, and hopefully serialized stories, and other opportunities. You see, this year I’ve also attempted to make the leap into doing more writing, submitting my stuff. It just hasn’t taken. So i want to use Badshakespeare.com as an opportunity for aspiring writers to get their stuff out there. I’m starting with this blog, and a serialized story I’ve been working on for about 10 years now, but never did anything with. I may have some more people on board after some meetings.

    “That sounds groovy. What about me?”

    This is still in it’s early planning stages right now. When I can open it up, people can submit their work, we’ll go over it, and eventually I hope that Bad Shakespeare can be a voice for aspiring writers.

    But again, let me stress, this is being planned right now. We’ll eventually get to it, and you can follow this progress on the blog while I do it. But I’m very excited about this prospect right now.

    “Wow.”

    I know. It’s exciting isn’t it?

    The other, equally as exciting announcement involves my logo. My logo was created a year ago by my talented mother, Maria Hock, who has supported me a lot. And it’s a cool logo. Which is why we’ve been working on getting the logo on a shirt, which should be available on Cafepress.com by the end of the month! Wear your Bad Shakespeare pride on your body, on your mugs, or on your head!

    What else does the future hold? I certainly hope it involves benevolent robot servants and a type of cheeseburger that helps you lose weight. But, who knows? The future is a fickle place. But I do know you can help by sharing the Bad Shakespeare Blog with your friends. You can help by continuing to read.  You can help by liking Bad Shakespeare on Facebook. (And eventually all the other social media Bad Shakespeare is about to be on.) And you can help by commenting, and keep the support coming.

    This post is getting long, but I really wanted to thank each and every one of you for your support this year. Blogging is something new for me. But I enjoy writing. And I’ve enjoyed your feedback. You’ve helped me through the darker times, and I’m glad that you’ve been there to enjoy the happy times. I’m glad you were there to share all the Nicolas Cage and Star Wars references. And of course there’s the fact that I’m a toddler, and if you find something funny I’m going to keep doing it. But thank you. All of you from the bottom of my Shakespeare-like goatee.

    That’s a wrap on year one. Let’s go kick year two in the head.

It's a Metaphorical Martian. Except When It's Not.

                Today marks a milestone in the world of Bad Shakespeare. This is my 50th (That’s five-zeroth) post since I first started this blog back in April. While I don’t intend to celebrate every milestone (maybe my one millionth). I am going to celebrate this one, as it feels that I have accomplished something.

                I have covered a wide range of topics from evil wizards (still a blight on our society!) to school reform (not until I get into one) to why I’m choosing to do this. Well, I haven’t covered the last part a whole lot. Mostly in my first post. So I want to return to that for today.

                I look back on my first post and I discuss that I am dedicated to doing this. I’m dedicated to the idea that I can make lives better by using my natural talent for teaching and humor to make the world a better place. Maybe I can. Part of what I didn’t discuss is the faith involved in all of this. The faith that I’m doing the right thing, and the several leaps of faith that I still have to take. A couple of those leaps are without a net, or a telekinetic Martian to catch me with her mind powers should I fall.

                We all have faith in something, or I like to think we do. Faith in ourselves is the hardest thing to cultivate. I referenced before [title of show] and it’s wonderful song about doubting yourself “Die Vampire Die.” One of the great lines in it is “why is it that if anyone said these things to us on the street, we’d immediately dismiss them as crazy, but when we say it to ourselves, we can’t help but believe it?” I almost want that tattooed across my forehead. Doubt in oneself is easy. It’s easy to think we’re not as great as everyone else.

                What is important is to work through that. Sort of like some of the doubts holding me back right now… I’ve got more than I let on to people. (Which is why I’m sharing it intimately with the many of you that I know read this.) We can’t let self-doubt hold us back. We can’t let lack of faith in ourselves hold us back. You have to know there is a metaphorical telekinetic Martian that will catch you. (I should really not write these while I’m watching Young Justice. There’s a Martian, and Robin was doing something and fell, and she caught him… it was very exciting if you watch it.) And it’s easy to type this. It’s a lot hard to actually do.

                Also, I wanted to take a moment to thank all of you for reading this blog. A lot of you have commented to me that you enjoy it, and I appreciate you reading it more than you will ever know. I hope to continue to entertain you with stories of wizards, teaching, Shakespeare, and my twisted little imagination.

Disclaimer.

           All content in this blog is ©2012 Bad Shakespeare, especially all jokes pertaining to George Clooney and the upcoming human/machine war. These two things are closely related, but I will not tell you how until a future post, hopefully before the human/machine/George Clooney war.  The names have been changed when it amuses me. If you see anyone mentioned in this blog that you believe is you and it offends you then I assure you that it’s someone else. If it flatters you, then enjoy the flattering portrayal. Any other resemblance to people living or dead is coincidental. Any resemblance to giant fighting robots and/or Cloverfield Monsters would be pretty awesome.

            All of the opinions expressed in this blog are 100% the opinions of the writer, and do not reflect the views expressed by Mr. William Shakespeare or the aforementioned cyborg king, George Clooney. The only real interaction I’ve had with George Clooney is that one time I talked to him in a bar and he said, “for the last time, kid, I’m not George Clooney, stop talking to me.” If you are offended, then I’m obviously doing my job. If you are not offended, then please let me know and I will try harder.

            Side effects to reading this blog may include: increased awareness of William Shakespeare, bouts of both laughter and sadness, hair loss, brief spontaneous combustion, and a strong desire to run outside and sing “Tell Her About it” at the top of your lungs at 2 a.m. It is not recommended you do this and Bad Shakespeare is not responsible for any arrests or complaints. Also, you may start setting off metal detectors in airports. Allow for extra time to board your plane. Please do not read while operating heavy machinery. If you do feel the need read while operating heavy machinery, please use extreme caution and wear knee pads and bring an umbrella.

            No part of this blog may be reprinted without the express written consent of the writer, William Shakespeare, or Major League Baseball. I really got screwed in that deal. It may not be copied by any known technology or any technology that has yet to be invented. This includes but is not limited to: direct downloading into the brain, Google Glasses, written on stone tables (after the human/machine/George Clooney war), translated into Canadian Goose Language, or Inception.

            Thank you for taking the time to read Bad Shakespeare. 

Of Man Eating Rabbits and the Bard... My Origin Story

So, naturally, I decided to become an English Teacher.

            That’s actually the middle to a very long tale filled with self-doubt, adventure, bad puns, a trip to a magical kingdom, explosions, and at one point a man eating rabbit named “Carl.” I can assure you that it’s actually a very boring story. Beginnings are boring. It’s much more interesting to start smack dab in the middle.

            This is where we’re at right now. Naturally, I’ve decided to become a teacher. I say “naturally” because I’ve always had an affinity for working with kids. I believe this is a result of my own ability to remain youthful at heart. That’s how I refer to it. Others refer to it as my near encyclopedic* knowledge of all things Superman and the fact that I just love a good cartoon on Saturday Mornings.

*Kids, an encyclopedia is like Wikipedia, but printed on paper. Also, it was regularly updated only by people who knew what the hell they were talking about.[citation needed]

            The response to me wanting to become a teacher has been… we’ll say “mixed.” It’s been split firmly into two camps. One the one hand you have “rah-rah!” which is very encouraging. On the other you have the less than enthusiastic and very sarcastic, “you reach for the stars, man.” (You had to hear the guy say this. It was REALLY sarcastic.) But as I’ve often found that following the crowd generally took me places I didn’t really want to go, so I’m not listening to the haters so much as archiving them and playing their words back in my head when I feel like remotivating myself. I figure if everyone approves of what I’m doing, then I’m not doing something right.

            That brings me to the next question you have rattling around your mind canvases, why start a blog about it? And why name it Bad Shakespeare? It’s simple… why not? I like writing. I always seem to have some story that I like sharing about my daily adventures in learning how to teach, and I enjoy writing… why not share my love with everyone. Plus it gives me a chance to brag about how great I am. That's all we really want at the end of the day, to brag about how wonderful we really are.

            As for your second question... is there anything better than truly Bad Shakespeare? Here is the bard, some might call one of the greatest writers of all time, if not the greatest, than the most well-known with the greatest hairstyle/mustache combination in the history of facial hair (the second being Mark Twain, but “Bad Twain” sounds like a country band.) But to watch, read, or see a truly bad Shakespearian production… you have to enjoy that. You have to savor it. You have to soak it in, and think to yourself, “how? How can someone be doing something so epically terrible with words that were created so beautifully and done so well for so many years?” So basically, I’d like you to all soak in these words as we go on this adventure.

Plus, no one has taken the name. Can you believe it? I really thought that “Bad Shakespeare” would be taken like, five minutes after the Internet was invented. Seriously? How was this name not taken? It is practically BEGGING me to take it.

            I hope you will enjoy this little trip into my thoughts, adventures, and just what it takes to be me. I hope to at least keep you entertained. If not, well, there’s still the man eating rabbit you can go visit.