A Modest Proposal for the 2016 Election Season

Apologies to Jonathan Swift.

            Note: If weren’t able to tell from the apology to Jonathan Swift, this is satire. No one really knows what satire is, except that it’s supposed to be funny, but it usually isn’t, but it makes a point. I’m just trying to make my own little point.

            I have a lot of Facebook friends. I don’t say that to boast or brag, and a majority of these friends are actually people that I’ve met, been able to work with, and I know on a personal level. I have a lot of friends with a lot of different opinions, and in these politically charged days, they’re all expressing them on Facebook, a website primarily designed for college students to keep in touch with each other so they didn’t have to pretend that they’d keep in touch, then fall off the face of the Earth like they did back in the old days.

            Hey, I think I realize why it’s called Facebook. (Hey, I warned you satire wasn’t funny.)

            However, with many different people all expressing many different opinions, I get to see all of the arguments. From all of the arguments, I can gather that the Democrats want to gut the Constitution while killing all of the babies, while the Republicans want to gut the constitution while killing everyone else. Like I said, this is just a rounding up of everything I’ve seen, but that’s where we keep moving into all of this hyperbole. Opinions expressed in the form of “you enjoy a different television program than myself” or “my local sports team is way superior to your local sports team by virtue of the fact that I associate myself with them” are perfectly acceptable; encouraged even, but the moment you associate yourself as a “Democrat” or a “Republican” or even “an Independent” suddenly, the friendly rivalry is over, and one man’s name keeps getting brought up.

            Adolf Hitler.

            If we were to listen to all of the hyperbole going on between Democrats and Republicans right now, Adolf Hitler’s policies are more popular today than they were back in 1936. (And, if you’ve picked up a real history book lately, you might realize that his policies were not, in fact, very popular in 1936, it was more along the lines of “things are terrible…  what else should we do?”)

            Yes, Adolf Hitler, the one man that we can really agree on, no matter what your political party, that is a man of pure, unadulterated evil. The one man that when lampooned, no one really has to apologize to anyone for doing so. The one man that is so terrible that once his name is invoked, you know someone has done something epic.

            Or at least that’s the way it used to be. It used to be that Hitler-like comparisons were made to those who actually deserved it. To those who actually suggested detaining people in death camps. But now we throw that term around so much, I’m afraid it’s really starting to lose all meaning. Pass a law you don’t like? They’re like Hitler. Disagree with you politically? Hitler. Once made a pass at you at a party and won’t stop texting you? Hitler. Hitler Hitler Hitler. We’ve turned Hitler into a catch all, to the point that this man’s evil deeds are still horrific, but overshadowed because you didn’t like the President’s new proposed spending cuts.

            While this is satire, I am not kidding. I have seen no less than four articles about how both President Barack Obama and several of the GOP Nominees for President are in fact, Hitler Like. I’m afraid it doesn’t work like that, everyone.  Not everyone is Hitler. I mean, Hitler was Hitler.

            (This is the most I’ve typed Hitler, ever.)

            But you see, we’ve typed out Hitler so many times, the name itself is starting to lose it’s meaning. He’s become a bit of a joke now, while still maintaining to be the standard upon shorthand for evil. So, we need to do something to reconcile this.

            My proposal is that we change this true vision of all evil. To someone more… I don’t’ want to say appropriate. I really hate to think that some of these people might have supporters of their policies, which is why I suggest going way back. I mean all the way back.

            For instance, we could call someone an Elizabeth Bathory. She was a countess who left an impact on history that can only be described as being “The Inspiration for Dracula.” If you’re going to do hyperbole, go big. Your candidate’s policies are so bad, they are literally going to leave young girls in a giant prison, waiting for their blood to be consumed to maintain your candidate’s youth. See? That’s how you do hyperbole.

            Or go a little more international by referring to them as a Maximlien Robespierre!  He was in charge of the French Revolution, which means his favorite pastime involved sticking people’s heads in a machine that was designed for nothing other than removing those heads from the person to which they are attached. Think about it. Swords? Axes? All child’s play compared to a machine that was literally designed for no other purpose than to kill people and ensure they were as frightened as possible during that time. And he loved to put people into it. Young people, old people, children, parents, his friends… didn’t matter. Chop chop as someone making an inappropriate joke about him might say.

            Let’s go even older. Elagabalus. If you want to show… well, not evil, but more whimsically not right, just tell someone that their candidate is like a little Elagabalus. I’ll be real honest, he came up on a list of really evil people, but he was just known for marrying a lot, trading sexual favors for political ones, and using whoopee cushions at parties. I’m not really sure why he showed up on the list. But I guess if you want to show them as ineffective?

            What about Ghengis Khan? He’s an oldie but goodie. Well, oldie but badie. Maybe instead of comparing your least favorite candidate to Hitler, we compare them to the cruel tactics of a guy who tried to take over the world, and punished his enemies swiftly?

            My point being to all of this, in my modest proposal, is that you may not like the candidate that doesn’t represent “your views.” But it seems lately that we don’t even have a buildup before we start comparing them to history’s greatest monster, we simply just throw out there that they’re apparently Hitler. So, if you’re going to do it, then do it right. Throw some culture at people. Compare them to one of history’s other greatest monsters, because when it comes to politics in the U.S. lately, rational talking and research just won’t do, apparently.

Fall Movie Season: The Night Before (Analysis)

           There are many go-to stories that writers seem to like. The Prince and The Pauper is a pretty popular premise for writers to purloin. Zombies seem to be back “in”. But as much as people seem to say “hey… isn’t just the rewrite of X” there’s one story that people like to retell as much as possible.

            A Christmas Carol.

            It’s been remade, revamped, modernized, traditionalized, applied to the Fourth of July for some reason, used in sitcoms, TV Dramas, superhero stories… you name it, three ghosts have shown up at some point and scared some dude into accepting Christmas (or the Fourth of July… seriously, what was up with An American Carol? Did anyone stop and ask what madness that was at any point in the production?)

            While Scrooged, despite being set firmly in the 1980’s, still remains the superior version of A Christmas Carol, there are still attempts at making a new version of it. And in the most recent movie, The Night Before, they seem to succeed in taking the formula and playing with it in a fun way.

            The Night Before is about a young man stuck in the past. Ethan (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) is a man-child who refuses to grow up following the death of his parents at the hands of a drunk driver. His buddies, Chris (Avenger Anthony Mackie) and Isaac (Perpetual Man-Child Seth Rogen) always ensured that he wouldn’t spend Christmas Eve alone with a series of traditions. Traditions that sadly, become endangered, due to his buddies moving on with their lives, Chris becoming a famous athlete and Isaac having a kid. They set out for one last night of sheer epic fun.

            Of course, you could have gotten all of that from the trailer and zero of that has anything to do with A Christmas Carol, so why am I comparing the two? 

            (Spoilers to follow… or as may spoilers that can show up for a movie that’s not really a mystery. You just have one question: Is James Franco in it? Answer to follow as well.)

            What separates out The Night Before from a traditional comedy, and what makes it sort of a remake of A Christmas Carol without the Ghosts or old dude screaming at kids to buy him geese for Christmas Dinner as if that’s something of a resolution, is how it deals with all the same material as Dickens’ classic without copying it word for word.

            This is a movie that’s very rooted in the past, present, and future of these young guys’ lives. Ethan is stuck in the past, dwelling over not really the death of his parents, but the fact that he’s going to lose these guys to what looks like bright, promising futures. For one, Isaac is having a kid, and seems to be calm, cool, and collected… but is freaking out. He’s constantly worried that he’s going to mess up his kid’s life. Chris is making it as an athlete, but not only at the expensive of his friends, but also at the expensive of himself – he’s using steroids and is obsessed with getting in good with the popular members of the team.

            So… Isaac, representing the future, Ethan, representing the past, and Chris, representing the present, all are looking for this giant party where naturally, everything is going to come to a head. The movie covers the ground for everyone: they all have to maintain that past, present and future without losing who they are in the process.

Or maybe they want to lose who they are?

For someone stuck in the past, Ethan is relatively well adjusted. He needs to move on from his fear of settling down. It’s not until he can get past that (with a grand move and guest appearance from Miley Cyrus) that he really can move on from the past, but an epilogue shows us: he manages to still maintain his friendships.

Isaac is afraid of the future, while looking cool. It’s only once that he accepts that future, and that he’s afraid of it, that he’s able to work with his wife. It’s actually one of the better “man child grows up” roles from Seth Rogen, because he never really is a “child” the way he is in some of his more frustrating roles. He starts this very mature, and only devolves when he’s afraid that maturity is eating him up and turning him into someone new.

Then there’s Chris. I found Chris to be an interesting character. Not only because hey, what’s Falcon doing with Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Seth Rogen? But because he is the one that we see in the most pain right away – shooting up while talking to Ethan on the phone. This immediately puts the past and the future in a better position than the present. While the past is messed up, and the future is in peril, they are relatively together for the time being.

In fact, the closest this movie has to a ghost figure is in the enigmatic Mr. Green, (Michael Shannon), a pot dealer who seems pretty mystical. And I’m not being cryptic, he’s mystical in that all of his hits seem to give these guys visions of what’s going on in the past, present, and future. The only thing that really bugged me is when he turned out, quite literally, to be an angel as opposed to just a mysterious figure that dispensed advice.

There’s a lot going on in this movie. A lot more than the trailers would indicate from the few trailers of Seth Rogen freaking out on drugs, and Anthony Mackey being “Home Alone’d” at one point. It was one that really did tackle the idea of growing up, and that loving or hating Christmas may be due to the fact that it is a recognizable milestone. We all have Birthdays or some other event that marks time on a planet that, quite frankly, doesn’t mark time the way we think it does. But Christmas is loud. It’s in your face. It’s a celebration that signifies that the end of the year is very close. It’s difficult to escape. These three men have to face the passing of a new year in a very loud manner.

One of the best things about this movie is the closing shots of all of them together, celebrating Christmas. Although they aren’t running around the city, looking for a mythical party or  adhering to all their old traditions – the idea of their traditions ending holds heavy over most of this movie – they are still enjoying each other, and that doesn’t have to end, no matter what the age.  As long as you have good friends and family to spend the time with, that’s where the importance lies. And that’s really the message of A Christmas Carol (And this movie) – it’s the people that we choose to spend our time with that make things better. You can’t really spend time dwelling on what you’ve lost, or what’s going to happen, you have to make the now that important.

Not bad for a movie that includes Miley Cyrus in a duet with Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

500th Post: Teach Kids Arts and Humanities

Well, that certainly snuck up on me. If I realized how close I was to my 500th post, I probably would have found a way to power through for a few weeks until I at least reach this milestone. it’s kind of hard for me to fathom. 500 posts. I’ve done this whole thing 500 times, each with varying degrees of success. Some posts were long, some posts were short, but I’d average that I’ve done about 1000 words average. That’s over 500,000 words on subjects ranging from evil robots to evil wizards to kittens to even things that aren’t evil. I’ve gone through teacher training, and found myself not teaching.

When I realized that this was the 500th post for Bad Shakespeare, I thought about it for a little bit. Do I come up with something witty and interesting? Do I make this an introspective post, that focuses on the blog? Or do I write something I’m passionate about.

Then I remember one of the things I tried to write about a while ago, and just couldn’t get out. now that I’m in a better place to write, well… I’m going to finally write about it. And it may be too late, unfortunately, but I’m going to get it out there. 

Today, I’m going to talk to you about Arts in Public Schools. 

I know, I know… I’m not a teacher! I abandoned Public Schools when I left the internship and cast off my teaching… well we don’t really get any special clothes while we’re teaching. I had to wear a tie for a bit, but that didn’t mean a whole lot since I’ve gone on to wear ties in almost three other places since then. But here’s the thing, a lot of the reason I left Public Schools was because I didn’t like what was going on inside of it, and I didn’t feel like being jaded for the rest of my life as I fought it, unable to do anything about it.

The concept of Arts in Schools has actually been a pretty hot topic around my tiny little burg of Fairfax County. I use that kind of ironically because for those of you who are unaware, Fairfax County is actually pretty huge, it’s near Washington, D.C. (And the current setting for The Walking Dead… stay safe, Glenn!) and it’s one of the richest areas in the country. Look up “richest counties” and you’ll see Fairfax County and it’s surrounding counties listed, including Loudon, a place so massive and rich yet underfunded that schools are cancelled when someone says the word “snow.” Seriously, typing that in the same sentence as Loudon has set them back about fifteen days. 

About a year ago, the Fairfax County Public School Board released a brand new budget that naturally cut things like drama, after school programs, band… there was some talk of them cutting sports, but we were assured that part was just “alarmist.” After that they went ahead and voted on a pay raise for themselves for doing south a wonderful job. Congratulations on the pay raise after not having enough money to pay teachers and fund these after school activities that make life easier for students. 

There’s two big issues at play here. One is the constant devaluation of teachers and education in general. That’s a pretty big issue that I’m not going to cover here, I’ve got an entirely different post prepared for that where I take on the two scariest words in education ever, and they rhyme with “Common Core.”

The other issue is the constant devaluation of the arts in general, which is the current trend in Education. Even at the college level it’s not just a removal of the arts or music or anything like that, it’s a fear of anything having to do with the Humanities. There are even Presidential Candidates… mainstream ones that get airtime, not the ones who live in their parents’ basements and run for President every four years… that say things like “We need more welders and less Philosophy Majors.” Presumably so there are more people to be out of work when those jobs are sent overseas or replaced by robots. There won’t be any robot philosophers until Skynet takes over, I believe.

(*Quick note: If you want to be a welder, go for it. This isn’t meant to be negative towards welders, simply negative towards the idea that one is more important to the other. In fact, the one that is more important to you, that’s the important one. My point is, be a welder. Be a philosopher. Do what makes you happy. Some rich dude running for President doesn’t get to define you or the importance to your job.) 

My point is that it’s indicative that we’re spending way too much time devaluing the arts, writing, reading, drama in favor of things that people “think” are important because it’s… more practical, I guess? I guess we’ve created all the art we need to create, and so we can be done with making any more? I’ve long said that these things are the Humanities, they’re what causes us to look into ourselves and think about what it means to be human, and that’s just as important as anything else out there. It’s an examination of what it means for us to live on this planet, what it means as we interact with these new technologies and the capability of them. 

My favorite example is Digital storage. Digital Storage devices have been around for a while. Someone eventually said, “hey, what kind of art can I put on them?” The MP3 Player was born. Another artist played with it a little more and showed it to Steve Jobs, and eventually the iPod was created. Now there’s a war over who can create the best, fastest, more powerful devices, all because artists got a hold of things and told us how we can use them to display art, from new television shows, to movies, to music. 

And that’s the big picture, by the way. I got kind of carried away with the welder thing, so I’m going to pull it back in now, and why Art is important to schools. Being a kid sucks. I don’t know if any of you remember that. Oh, it’s great in the sense that you can play with Legos and less people really look at you if you spend time buying action figures (and if you take them out of the box… EVEN COLLECTORS SHOULD TAKE THEM OUT OF THE BOX) but ultimately, being a kid is hard. You spend all this time trying to find yourself. Maybe you’re smart. Maybe you’re not. Maybe you’re good at sports. Maybe you’re more creative. Maybe you’re good at everything. But how are kids supposed to find themselves if we not only take away the opportunity to do so, but tell them it’s not important. 

Kids listen. We think they don’t, but they’re little sponges, picking up everything. This latest little budget cut from FCPS is more than a little bit of “well… let’s cut a few things and hope for the best.” It’s telling kids that some things aren’t important. It’s telling kids that may have a talent in band or art or drama that they’re not important. That they’re expendable when it comes down to it, and only those with that lofty description of “something to contribute to society” are the important ones. By “contribute” they mean scientists and engineers. And by “scientists” they of course only mean their approved sciences. 

There’s a great line in Mr. Holland’s Opus that I love. If you haven’t seen it, the movie is basically Forrest Gump but with a teacher instead of Tom Hanks. But, when faced with the budget cuts for the band, Mr. Holland, played by Richard Dreyfus in one of his best roles when he’s not punching a giant shark, looks at the principal and says, “If you keep cutting the arts soon these kids will have nothing to read or write about.”

Which is the truth. While the arts are viewed as expendable, you’re cutting into the very soul of what it means to be human. While arts are expendable, you’re telling kids that to dream is wrong. While arts are expendable, you’re telling everyone that you don’t want to know what it is to be human. 

Again, i don’t know the status of everything right now. I know I was asked to send a letter talking about how arts saved me, and I turned it into a diatribe similar to this. What I do know was that having a theatre program to go to during and after school taught me a lot of things. Practically, it taught me how to read an analyze texts. Practically, it also taught me how to move my body, how to empathize with others, how to think outside the box, how to be creative in a second, and that anything in life worth having takes hard work. It also taught me to take pride in what I was doing. Take pride in my life and my choices. To not put anything on stage that I wasn’t 100% proud of. 

I know that’s no math, science, or engineering, but it was damn important to me. A weird kid who wanted a place to be weird. 

Fall Movie Season: The Martian

   

         In space, no one can hear you grow potatoes. That’s your only warning that there’s going to be spoilers for the Martian in this post. 

            When I first saw the trailer for the most recent entry into the genre “Hey, Let’s Save Matt Damon From Somewhere Expensive” called The Martian, I had many different emotions. One of them was hungry, because I had just gotten popcorn and I wanted to start eating it but I also wanted to save it for the movie. The other was, “haven’t I seen this somewhere before?”

            No, I don’t mean the whole “Let’s Save Matt Damon From Somewhere Expensive” Genre. That’ s an entire genre, like people getting stuck in buildings and needing to save it from terrorists or burglars. The “Die Hard in a… “Genre. No, I’m talking about the Sandra Bullock scream fest Gravity.

            The situations are similar: one person, stranded alone against the elements. The focus is the same, will this person get rescued, or will they end up in space, with on one hearing them scream. Both are beautifully filmed. And both star people that have more Oscars than Leonardo DiCaprio. (One day… one day he’s going to win one, and these jokes won’t be as funny. Just kidding. They always will be. Nicolas Cage has more than him.)

            I’ve got to say, the Martian handles it a lot better. By “it” I mean an astronaut that’s been trained for terrible things to happen being stranded in the middle of nowhere.

            The Martian, far from being a sequel to John Carter of Mars, is about a group of scientists who are exploring the red planet, having set up a temporary habitat called a “Hab” on the planet. One day, towards the end of the planned 30 day mission, disaster strikes, because somehow a mission exploring another planet isn’t exciting enough, and Commander Melissa Lewis (Jessica Chastain, in one of the many movies starring Jessica Chastain this Fall) must decide whether to leave the planet or stay. While the crew is working their way to the escape ship, Mark Watney  (Matt Damon) is hit by a piece of debris, and the crew thinks he’s dead.

            Since this is called The Martian and it’s about Matt Damon surviving on a planet by himself, you can guess he’s probably not dead.

            It turns out, yes, spoilers everyone, he wasn’t killed, just hurt really badly. He awakens to find that he has no way to communicate, diminishing food and resources, and even if someone knew he was alive they wouldn’t be able to get any supplies to him for about 400 days. He then spends the next hour and a half slowly giving up while screaming and dealing with all the problems he left back on Earth.

            No. I said it was different than Gravity. (Some might call it… Anti-Gravity if they were just making cheap jokes. I’m here to make cheap jokes. You’re welcome.) Mark actually, because he’s a scientist trained for situations like these, “Sciences the shit out this”. Because throwing in casual profanity when you’re on a planet by yourself is allowed. Mark sets up a livable habitat, grows vegetables, and tries to survive long enough to get off the planet successfully.

            Over the summer I gave a positive review to Tomorrowland with the disclaimer that I was fully aware that it wasn’t a good movie, it was just really hopeful and I liked it. The truth is, as much as people complain about things like “Dark Superman” in the Man of Steel or “PTSD Iron Man” in Iron Man 3, we keep going to see those movies. What separates out The Martian from all of that is how upbeat it is.

            The NASA officials attempting to spin Mark’s Death is viewed as evil. And they make it very clear in every scene that Mark knows that his crew had to leave him, there was no way in that world they could have thought he was alive. Yes, the commander has a few moments of being sad, but ultimately there’s not a lot of angst where Mark sulks around the planet, deciding that it’s just his time to die.

            The upbeat message is what really gets to me about this film. Here we have a man who’s literally in the worst case scenario.  He is by himself, and no one is coming for him. They don’t even want to aim their satellites at the location of the Hab for fear of broadcasting a dead astronaut to the world. But what wins out every single time is this idea that things are going to be ok if they just keep working toward the goal of being saved.

            And here’s the thing, Mark doesn’t always think that things are going to be ok. That’s abundantly clear. He thinks that if he just keeps working, maybe it will take his mind off his impending death. Maybe if he keeps working, eventually things will be ok, because why not: they should be ok. Even as he runs out of food, he still manages to work towards his ultimate goal of being rescued or at least leaving a corpse that was working hard while trying to be rescued. That’s what I really like about the film. It’s essentially a long piece of work dedicated to the idea that if things suck, keep moving forward. Even if you die alone on a barren planet, you’ll at least leave a corpse that looked like they were trying to do something.

            I could go on about the special effects, but at this point, special effects are just background noise. I could go on about scientific accuracy but Neil de Grasse Tyson is smarter than me and will probably do a better job. (They got there with rockets, right? We’re no longer using giant balloons leftover from the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade? I didn’t see Garfield up there so I’m assuming it’s pretty accurate.) My point is, that I could go on, but this movie was actually pretty cool.  

            My rating: Four out of Five potatoes.