Friday, May 1, 2015

Summer Movie Season 2015… Bless Us, Oh, Joss

Ladies and Gentlemen... I welcome you to the opening post of the Summer 2015 Movie Season. As regular readers of Bad Shakespeare know, this is a very holy time of the year, when we reflect, and give thanks to the movie gods of summer... those who know that what we crave is action, adventure, stupid comedy, superheroes, and explosions. Those who understand that while there is a place for sad things, they can be tempered with the soul and comedy that John Green or people trying to be John Green can provide. (I’m looking at you, Me, Earl, and the Dying Girl. Convince me otherwise.) 

Some of you have queried: “Should Joss Whedon be the patron saint of Summer Movie Season? He is only directing Avengers: Age of Ultron, and there’s the whole Cabin in the Woods Debacle.” To you, I say: He was tasked with writing and directing the most anticipated movie of the decade, not counting Hudson Hawk 2, since if we’re going to resurrect everything but Firefly why don’t we resurrect that, too [sorry, got off track there. I’m ok. -MH]? No, he put together the Avengers when everyone wasn’t quite sure what the Avengers was going to be, and it’s interesting that the Cabin in the Woods thing is coming out now, when he’s in the news for his latest movie and would possibly want to settle quickly, and not three years ago when the movie came out, or four years ago when the movie was finished and sitting around, waiting to be converted to 3-D. Isn’t that interesting?

Bottom Line: It’s always Joss. 

The Good/Bad movie season was a bit of a mixed bag. We got the very Summer-esque releases of Kingsman and Furious 7, both of which were excellent. We also got Seventh Son, which was certainly a movie that had sets and acting. Then there was Spongebob which was a lot better than a movie about a time traveling sponge with superpowers fighting a deranged pirate played by Antonio Banderas had any business being. Don’t get me started on Focus, which I’ve seen twice now and I want to see again, and not just for Margo Robbie, but because it was a really good movie. Same with Cinderella. I missed out on a few that I wanted to see, including Chappie, because my duties as Bad Shakespeare/Swim Coach/Academic Advisor/Whatever else I’m doing this week managed to take me away from all of that.

But that is behind us. It’s the first of May, and beyond that Jonathan Coulton song [Mom, don’t look up that song. Thanks. MH] it’s also the first Friday in May. That means it’s officially time for the start of Summer Movie Season 2015!

This year is a bit different. If you remember, I partook of over 42 movies last year, and I did a wrap up at the end. This year, I will be seeing as many as I can, including when I’m in Ireland because it’s Summer Movie Season, and I look forward to these four months the rest of the year. I love the magic of this season, when the best of the best is on display, when there are more midnight showings, when going to the movies is an experience, when there’s real hope that what you’re going to see can suck or be wonderful or some strange combination of the two. I just love it.

But, I’m getting ahead of myself. This year I’ll also be looking forward to doing little review-lets of the movies I’ve seen. They won’t be full, more akin to what I’ve done in the past for the Oscar Movie Marathon, but I’ll be giving you my thoughts on each one as I go see them. Which means a lot more Bad Shakespeare Posts this year. 

Anyway, we can’t really kick off this year without our traditional prayer, in which we give thanks to the Patron Saint of Summer Movie Season, Joss Whedon.

Bow your heads.

Our Joss, who art in Hollywood...
Buffy be thy legacy. 
We ask you to bless these movies
And hope that they are all just that good.

We start as the Avengers fight a robotic James Spader
A team up so grand, a villain so evil
Not seen since Darth Vader
We know our heroes will prevail
At least until the many, many, many sequels.

This year Marvel will bless us thrice
As Paul Rudd takes a hero so tiny
And once again rolls the dice
And Ant-Man will shrink, with helmet so shiny.

Our third Marvel property is not three but four
As yet another attempt to get our team together
is skewed younger, and sent out the door
So flame on, young Human Torch

But let us not forget no longer sitting out is Pixar
Inside Out will be our patient reward
And Clooney once again will shine like a star
As Tomorrowland becomes not a ride... but a film

Let’s not forget our action
With a Jason Statham-less Transporter
Another Impossible Mission, with Tom Cruise so... Tom Cruisy
And a Man from U.N.C.L.E, along with a Hitman
All gracing our screens.

Comedy abounds as well
As Adam Sandler stretches a 10 minute Futurama Segment into a movie
With the film Pixels
And we get a bear fighting for rights
With a second helping of Ted
And let’s not forget Spy
Oh, look.. there’s Jason Statham.

John Green also returns to make us cry
With Paper Towns and growing up
But far less cancer
Saving that instead for Me, Earl and the Dying Girl
Look... there’s our answer

And of course, all the rest... Self/Less looking fun
John Cena trading a wrestling ring for a Train Wreck
and Magic Mike XXL letting me use my many puns
(But I still won’t be seeing it.) 
Jurassic World Brings us our Chris Pratt
Terminator Gynesis brings us our... Arnold (Really)
And we could leave it at that
But the Rock is back, saving us from Rock-ing
And Bradley Cooper is charming

So with these in Mind, Joss, please, bless us now
And grant us the movies we deserve
As we speed towards August, and Labor Day
And thank you for no more Transformers


It’s kicked off, people. Look for my review of Avengers, Age of Ultron, posted later today.

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